WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-29-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "trio" as in "Here a trio of quick thoughts."

1) Yes, I get it, Miss Teen USA South Carolina sounds dumb, what with the "the Iraq" and "U.S. Americans" and such. Ha-ha-ha, good, I'm glad you're getting your daily dose of schadenfreude. But all that laughing at a teen's stumbling answer obscures the real point. That 1/5 of Americans can't find America on a map. That's 60 million people who can't find their own home on a map. That's 60 million people who can't pick their own continent out 7. And I'd like to point out that one of those 7 continents is a giant hunk of ice at the very bottom of the map and another is a giant island.

2) Speaking of Americans, today is the two year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Katrina was the reason I started donating blood again. Hey! Got an hour? Why don't you go donate some blood. The Red Cross could always use more of it. Can't give blood? Most grocery stores have pre-packaged food parcels that you can buy from them that they will then donate to food kitchens. Don't go grocery shopping? How about throwing Fisher House a Finski there, Abe Froman? But Matt, what good is $5 going to do? Well, if every American that can't identify Florida or Mexico on a map donated $5, that's $3 million right there. Basically, what I'm saying, is do Something next month, anything, to help someone else.

3) My fiancee watched the rated R trailer (NSFW) for Shoot 'em Up. She then asked me what the plot was supposed to be. I tried to explain that people shooting each other while falling out of a plane IS a plot, but I don't think she bought it.

PUMP UP THE JAMS

War, starring Jet Li and Jason Statham just came out this weekend. Personally, I would go see those two in a movie where all they did was bake pies for 85 minutes. But they were nice enough to make a trailer for the movie anyway.

Also in the "I would watch you make pies" category is Clive Owen. In two weeks his new movie Shoot 'em Up will open. It features Clive Owen shooting guns. It features Paul Giamatti shooting guns. It features Clive Owen potentially having sex with Monica Bellucci. And it features, I kid you not, a gun fight in mid-frickin'-air. Cast ye eyes upon my wonders, O Babylon!

And I still need to see The Bourne Ultimatum.
Man... I'm going to have to start using my dad's blood pressure medication after this month.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-22-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "real" as in "It's always important to 'keep it real'."

"Keeping it real" means to act in a way that shows others that you have not forgotten where you come from. For example:

-Paying for the pizza when you all order in
-Hanging out on the front porch with the gang like you used to
-Coming back to the old neighborhood to visit
-Taking care of your parents

Michael Vick, aka Ron Mexico aka Ookie aka The Defendant, decided that a good way to be "keeping it real" was to become involved in dog fighting. Raising dogs, training dogs, hosting dog fights, if it involved dogs and fighting, Vick was "allegedly" a part of it. Why? Because he is a very talented, very rich person and apparently he felt it was desperately necessary to be "keeping it real" lest his friends think he had changed.

Thanks to his need to be seen as cool in the eyes of people that watch dogs kill each other for "sport", Michael Vick is now facing up to five years in prison. And not white collar prison.

Bravo Vick! You'll be the coolest guy in a jumpsuit!

Should have listened to Dave Chappelle, man. Should have listened.

BABY'S FIRST LAWSUIT

Mattel recently recalled a number of their toys after reports that some of the parts made in China may contain harmful amounts of lead. China, you might remember, also tried to kill this woman, months ago.

Well, that certainly sucks for Mattel as well as China's plans to pick Americans off through their toys, but no real harm done, right?

WRONG.

I heard about this on the news coming into work a few days back. A couple is suing Mattel for money to see if their children have been damaged by being exposed to the recalled toys. Mind you, the children haven't actually yet been damaged. But they might be and By God, Mattel should be the ones to pay to see if they are. Or aren't. Which they don't appear to be. But who can tell, really?

I think this is a genius idea. And I'd like to jump on the bandwagon. Here's some lawsuits I'm sending in to my lawyer
to file before the end of the week.

1) Colt. Just in case I ever get shot by one of their guns.

2) Victoria Secret. They make those bra commercials that they show on television. If my fiancee catches me staring at one of those while she's trying to talk to me, she's only going to get mad. And then I'm going to have suffering.

3) Corn Farmers. Corn can be made into ethanol. Ethanol reduces the price of gasoline. With cheaper gasoline I can drive more often. If I drive more often the odds are good that I'll get into a car accident. Then I have a new car to pay for, along with hospital bills and possibly structural damage. I hope you have deep pockets Iowa.

4) Pabst Blue Ribbon. It's the Blue Ribbon of beers, how can you not drink to excess? And if I come in to work hungover from drinking Pabst until bar close the night before, not only am I facing undue pain and suffering, but if I am fired for sleeping on the job, then I'm unemployed as well. And who's fault is that? Certainly not mine.

5) NASA. So far Earth has not yet been invaded and enslaved by space aliens. But if it ever is, it will be 110% NASA's fault. No wonder their astronauts are always getting drunk.

SPECIAL K

Daisuke "Dice-K" Matsuzaka was the big pitching prospect being negotiated for between The New York Yankees (Motto: Maybe 5 Kabillion Dollars will buy us a championship) and The Boston Red Sox (Motto: I'm going to name my first born NOMAR! I SWEAR IT!) last off season. Famous in Japan as a pitcher with truly Herculean numbers and stamina, he was eventually signed by the Boston Red Sox. In 25 starts he is currently 13-9, with a 3.79 ERA and 164 strike outs (averaging a strike out per inning pitched).

With the Boston Red Sox poised to be in the playoffs this year, here are some fast facts about "Dice-K".

-His nickname "Dice-K" is actually a tribute to his all-time favorite comedian Andrew Dice Clay. However, Matsuzaka has trouble pronouncing the letter "l", not because of some Asian stereotype, but rather because he was born without a tongue.

-No tongue? Then how does he taste? Terrible.

-Badump-bump.

-Dice-K once pitched a record 107 inning game in Japan. It took the entire weekend. He pitched innings 36-47 in his sleep.

-Dice-K has a stunning arsenal of 14 different pitches, they are:
--Fastball
--Curveball
--Slider
--Slurveball
--Cutter Fastball
--Emo Fastball
--Change-up
--Circle Change
--Square Change
--Fistball
--Death Ball (not legal in MLB)
--Butterball
--Knuckle Puck
--Groin ball

-Dice-K was so used to pitching a complete 9 innings in Japan that the first time he was pulled during a Red Sox's game he refused to leave the mound. After 20 minutes of discussion, he was allowed to stay on the mound while the relief pitchers worked.

-Dice-K communicates through a translator. The Translator, by most accounts, was not as much of a "political thriller" as advertised. Especially Nicole Kidman, who just seemed to phone it in.

-During spring training Dice-K was visited by Super Bowl Champion Peyton Manning. Manning challenged Dice-K to a "Throw Off" to see who had a stronger arm. As I write this post the two men are still tied, as neither of their throws have landed yet.

-In June Alex Rodriguez was harshly criticized for yelling "CHING CHONG CHONG CHANG!" every time Dice-K pitched. When questioned by the media Rodriguez was quoted as replying "CHONG POW CHANG CHOW!" A CAT scan three days later would show that Rodriguez had been suffering from a concussion for the last week and had lost the ability to speak English.

-Dice-K actually possesses the ability to throw a 15th pitch. Called "The Face Of God" ball, Dice-K actually transforms the ball into a beam of pure energy, destroying all in it's path. He only throws this ball he is fatigued. In other words, never.

-A renegotiation of Dice-K's contract is already in the works, which would allow him to start 161 games next year, as well as pitch for both leagues in the All-Star game. The one day off would be September 13th, his birthday.

-At Dice-K's party there will be a pinata. It will be a life sized replica of himself filled with delicious candy, except for his pitching arm which, true to the man, will be made of pure, unbreakable titanium.

FORE!

"There's my ball," I said.

"Matt," said Sarah, as I pulled the cart to a stop three feet from the ball. "You're too close to the ball. You're going to hit the cart."

"Sarah," I replied, trying not to roll my eyes. "Look at where I am, look at where the cart is. We're parallel, how am I going to hit the cart? I'm not THAT bad."

Pulling back my 5 iron I took a mighty SWING!

THUNK! went the club against the ball and the dirt.

KLANG!!! went the ball as it shot perpendicularly off of my club and into the hubcap of the golf cart.

WIIIIISH! went the ball as it rebounded off, sailing up and over my head.

THUD! went the hubcap as it fell off of the cart from the impact.

"Uh," went Sarah.

"Uh," I said.

"DRIVE!!!" yelled Sarah.

Thwacking my ball another 15 yards down the field, I quickly shoved the hubcap back onto the cart and we drove off hoping no one had seen us.

...
And that's why I only go golfing once a year.

A-MUSING

I was driving home on Sunday when I was passed by a truck and I saw something really interesting. On the back of the truck were two stickers. One was a silver image of Jesus. The other, at least twice as large, was the Nike swoosh.

I almost wound up in their truck bed trying to get close enough to confirm this, but I am willing to swear on a stack of Bibles AND a stack of Air Jordans that those were the two images on the back window. Which leads me to wonder some things.

For starters, which order were the stickers put on? It seems highly unlikely they were bought on the same day, so one of them, much like the chicken, must have come first. But which? And what was the conversation like?

Was it:
"You know what would really go well with this Nike swoosh? The image of The Christ."
or
"I've always believed the 11th Commandment should be 'Just Do It'. What? I'm keeping Jesus ABOVE it."

Or, is this an intentional thing? Has some sort of cross-eyed reading of the Bible lead the driver to believe that Jesus' sneaker of choice is manufactured by Nike? Is endorsing any other shoe the same as aligning yourself against God? "And the Beast did rise out of the pit, and it did have 7 horns and 11 heads and its feet bore Chuck Taylor All Stars. And Canvas was the material of the Beast"?

I guess I should consider myself lucky. If the driver had spotted my New Balances through the window he might have run me off the road.

Me? I'm more religiously tolerant. My future wife wears Reeboks.

BEARISHLY BULLISHLY BEARABLE

Dear People Investing in the Stock market-

If you could stop freaking out all the time I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

I mean, it's no big deal for me, I plan on working until I'm 67 and not touching my retirement funds until that point, so I've got almost 40 years of interest gaining to do. None the less, a little more chilling out on your part would be appreciated.

Seriously. It's the stock market. It goes up, it goes down. But guess what? It always, historically, trends upward. Don't believe me? Compare the prices just before The Great Depression with the numbers today. Compare the prices just before Black Monday with the numbers today. Compare the prices before 2002 with the numbers today. Notice a trend? That the numbers before those trading disasters are still lower than the numbers we see today. And each one is lower than the one after it. Because historically the market trends upward.

So stop flipping out like a tween losing a game of Starcraft. "ZOMG!! WTFH?!? Cthulhu!1!!eleven!" Hear that? That's what you sound like. It's unbecoming.

Sooner or later the market had to pull back, you freaking out about it isn't going to help. It's like you standing on a hive of bees. You may get stung by a bee. Ow! That sucks. But if you over react, swinging wildly and flailing around like you've got a nerve disorder, you're only going to get stung more. WORSE, you're going to rile up so many bees that I'M going to get stung. And I didn't do anything. I'm just sitting over here with my low return-low risk picnic, not attracting bees.

So knock it off.

Sincerely,
Matt
p.s. Speaking of bees. Enjoy Nicholas Cage's The Wicker Man (spoiler: WOMEN ARE EVIL AND WILL KILL YOU FOR HAVING A PENIS!!!!) re-cut as a comedy.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-8-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "over" as in "I'll set the over/under for 'The Return of Jezebel James' at 6 episodes."

Here's the trailer.

I ... I don't know what else to say.

Though I do have some questions.

1) Why would parents name one child after, most likely, a relative and the other after, most likely, their favorite hot chocolate drink?

2) As it seems most sitcom characters with "unique" names are doomed to Bohemian/Gypsy lives with few job prospects and the specter of poverty constantly looming over their heads, can their parents be sued for child abuse?

3) Why are the skinny, successful brunettes always OCD about cleaning?

4) Is Parker Posey's inability to conceive God's punishment for being in You've Got Mail?

5) Who's the genius in the editing bay that let the laugh track trickle over into Posey's confession that she's barren?

6) Is there a more inappropriate thing to say to your boss than "I want [your sister] to have my baby"? Other than maybe "I want [your sister] to have my baby, and I want you to tape us making it"?

7) Even with her sister agreeing to be her "incubator" doesn't Parker Posey still need a man? Or is she just going to get a donor?

8) If she does get a donor, does that then make this the most impersonal pregnancy not involving Michael Jackson?

9) After the sister is done being pregnant in season one, what will they do then? Unless they plan on doing it "24" style in which case they can do about 270 seasons. ... at which point Parker Posey will probably be dead.

10) They got rid of "Firefly" and "Arrested Development" to give us this??

(thanks to The Onion's "The Hater" for pointing out this show exists.)

MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE

My friend Jen, who runs Quarter Life Crisis has always wanted to guest host a blog. Since I'm a swell guy, and since I thought all five of my readers might get a kick out of it, today you are treated to a little taste of what Jen serves up on her own site.

ENJOY!

"Six degrees of Matt Worzala"


When Matt said I could be a guest poster on his blog (after I coerced him to be a guest poster on my blog first, to which I'm still waiting for a post, tick tock), I think I might've squealed in delight. Not that he would've heard such a sound, because we've only exclusively communicated with each other via instant message on those days at work when one, or both of us, is so bored that we resort to talking in lines from Seinfeld without skipping a beat. I'm sure he could sense my giddiness, because he's a very perceptive guy.


He's also a very funny guy, and truth be told, that scares the bejezzus out of me. Naturally, whatever I write for his blog needs to be funny. Or at least, mildly amusing. I've often chuckled out loud from his stories. Like the time he was disappointed by a continental breakfast and thus presented his readers with the 4-Tiered Continental Breakfast Pyramid. Or when he feared he'd be left for the dead in the woods if his girlfriend got mad at him while they visited her parent's place out in the boonies. Hilarious!


I'm not sure I can be as funny as Matt, but all I can do is try. And really, will his four or five readers, including my dad (which I realize is weird - he just so happens to have a blog, too), really care if I bomb here? I'm kidding, of course. He's probably got like seven readers.


Well, here goes.


When I think of Matt Worzala, I think of Star Wors, which is the name of his blog. Duh. But really, I think of Star WARS, which is one of my favorite movies. Thinking about Star Wars leads me to think about Han Solo, or more accurately, Harrison Ford, who also played Indiana Jones. I love the Indiana Jones movies, especially Raiders and Last Crusade, probably more than I love the Star Wars movies. Besides having a massive crush on Indiana Jones (yes, the fictional character, not really the elderly actor), I also really LOVE the sound effects in the Indiana Jones movies, specifically the sound of Indy's punches.


So really, when I think of Matt Worzala, I think I want to punch someone in the face and have it make that sound. That totally unrealistic comic book-like THWAP. Not that this blog makes me want to invoke violence on anything (though, I once beat the crap out of a wayward washing machine, just saying). Really, it just makes me think of sound effects, and how it's a scientifically proven fact that girls absolutely cannot make their own sound effects for shit.


I'm always really impressed by my husband's sound effects. Like, his exploding bomb is, for lack of something better, da bomb. And his machine gun? Second to none! Then he'll tell me to try to make the same sound. So I try, and what comes out of my mouth sounds more like someone hocking a loogie, and not an awesome explosion.


Boy: "No, no. It's more guttural, less spit. Try it again."

Girl: "I'm trying! It's physically impossible for me to make that sound." *makes sound akin to cat chocking on a hairball*

Boy: *shakes head in utter disappointment*


If you don’t believe me, here’s videographic proof.


A boy attempts to make his own sound effects:




A girl attempts to make her own sound effects:




(I SWEAR I do not have man hands, aka the hands of a man, like a creature out of Greek mythology, part woman, part horrible beast, as it appears I do in the video. It's just the angle of the camera. My hands are actually quite petite and feminine, if you must know.)

See? That's case-closed, hard proof right there, that in at least the category of mouth-made sound effects, girls are far less superior to boys. It's a sad state of affairs, but it's true. If there were one talent I’d bestow upon myself, it’s be that. To be able to emulate the sound of a machine gun at will. I think that would come in handy in many situations.


Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Matt Worzala seems like a pretty cool guy who I bet makes awesome sound effects. I’ll have to take his word on it, though. Remember, the whole instant message communication thing?

I'M SORRY

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that your son lost three of his best friends. But I will not give you money for your "fund raiser".

The three men died in a single car crash at almost 2 a.m.. They were leaving a bar after midnight on Sunday evening. They were driving with cases of beer in their trunk on their way to an after-bar.

Their car bounced off one tree hard enough to sheer the bark off of it, then flipped through the air before hitting the second tree. The impact was so forceful that when I saw the picture I honestly couldn't tell what part of the car I was looking at.

It is estimated by the reconstruction unit that the car was traveling at an excess of 70 miles an hour. The posted speed limit for the residential street they were driving down, after midnight on a Sunday, after leaving a bar, was 25 miles per hour.

I am sorry for your loss, but I will not give you money for your "fund raiser".

You can say all you want about "everyone drinks and drives", I will not argue that point. I will argue that if you choose to drink and drive you are knowingly taking a risk. If you choose to drink and drive, even though the bar you are leaving has a taxi service, and you choose to do close to three times the posted speed limit you are taking a much greater risk. Because they were stupid, I should give money for your "fund raiser"? I will not do that.

I am sorry that their friends are shocked at these sudden deaths. I am sorry that one of them lost both of parents before the age of 25. I am sorry that the cost to bury the three men is more than $6,000. $6,000 that they did not have when they died. But it is not my responsibility to help bury them because they killed themselves.

I do not know much about the three men. I know that two were 26, and one was 24. That's basically my age. If I remember correctly, they leave behind at least 3 children, some in other states, with two more on the way for the same man. An ex-girlfriend is 8 1/2 months pregnant, the new girlfriend is 5 months. I know that "[they] were crazy, especially when [they] got together,” that "[they] were just awesome to be around,” and "the life of the party during social gatherings." I do not mean to be rude, but those statements strike me as code for "they drank to excess a lot. Especially when together." And two children with two different women in less than 4 months strikes me as meaning at least one of them didn't always make the wisest of choices. This was another unwise choice. And I will not help you pay for it.

I am sorry for your loss. But these men knew what they were doing. They did not think for even a moment, I am certain, that they would be hurt. But they were. I can only thank God that it was only them. My father drives to work every morning between 3:30 and 4 a.m. He works two blocks from the bar these three men had left from. Other people's fathers drive to work at just before 2 a.m. on Monday morning. People's mothers, sons, daughters. They are not drunk, driving to an after-bar with cases of beer in their trunk, or going three times the posted speed limit. But if they had been hit by your son's friends' car, they would have been dead despite these facts. I would have helped paid for their "fund raiser". I would have helped pay to lay my father in the ground. I am thankful that they alone, who decided to take their lives into their own hands and then throw it away, were forced to pay the ultimate price.

I have been informed that at your "fund raiser", which I will not help pay for, that there will be alcohol served. Two wheel barrows full. A half-keg. I will bet money that at least one person will leave the event drunk and will still drive home. I will bet they will not see the irony in their decision.

I know these men are now in heaven. I know you grieve for your loss. I know they were young men with lives that still had promise to them. But I know that they were drunk and they were speeding and they were unlucky. And I will not pay for your "fund raiser".

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-1-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "theory" as in "Things are getting better for our troops in Iraq, in theory. In theory Communism works, in theory."

Ahhhh Simpsons, is there any situation you can't be quoted in?

Anyway. Heard on the news yesterday that the American soldier death toll for July was 73. That's bad.

But it's the lowest for 2007. That's good.

That also means we've lost more than 73 soldiers each month for the last 5 months, including 122 in May. That's bad.

But you get your choice of frozen yogurt. Which I call Fro-gurt. That's good.

The number makes me sad because we are now more than 4 years and 4 months removed from the start of the Iraq War (March 19, 2003). We are 4 years and 3 months removed from the "Mission Accomplished" banner (May 1, 2003). We are more than 3 years and 7 months removed from the capture of Saddam Hussein (December 14, 2003). And we are now just over 2 years and 2 months removed from Vice President Dick Cheney telling us that "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency" (May 31, 2005). And yet 73 brave Americans died this last month. 122 died in May. Around 100 died in both April and June. We have not seen a month where fewer than 50 American soldiers have died since July '06. And that doesn't even factor in Allies killed, civilians killed and those who have been injured. And then there's the cost.

This is the reality we face. It is the reality that The President needs to face. And if history has shown us anything, it is the reality that the next President (and if they're a one-term wonder, the President after them) will have to face as well.

The one minor bright spot is that Vice President Cheney has finally let reality into his bubble world, admitting this week that he was wrong about his "last throes" comment.

The man has a lesbian daughter, yet stands with a party that works to make them second class citizens. He has created his own secret document classification. He stands fast in his support for Guantanamo Bay and his dual-branch position as Vice President. He shot a man in the face and got the man to apologize for it. He doesn't care if you like him or not.

But he is willing to admit he was wrong about his statement.

Sometimes you have to take the little victories.