SPECIAL K

Daisuke "Dice-K" Matsuzaka was the big pitching prospect being negotiated for between The New York Yankees (Motto: Maybe 5 Kabillion Dollars will buy us a championship) and The Boston Red Sox (Motto: I'm going to name my first born NOMAR! I SWEAR IT!) last off season. Famous in Japan as a pitcher with truly Herculean numbers and stamina, he was eventually signed by the Boston Red Sox. In 25 starts he is currently 13-9, with a 3.79 ERA and 164 strike outs (averaging a strike out per inning pitched).

With the Boston Red Sox poised to be in the playoffs this year, here are some fast facts about "Dice-K".

-His nickname "Dice-K" is actually a tribute to his all-time favorite comedian Andrew Dice Clay. However, Matsuzaka has trouble pronouncing the letter "l", not because of some Asian stereotype, but rather because he was born without a tongue.

-No tongue? Then how does he taste? Terrible.

-Badump-bump.

-Dice-K once pitched a record 107 inning game in Japan. It took the entire weekend. He pitched innings 36-47 in his sleep.

-Dice-K has a stunning arsenal of 14 different pitches, they are:
--Fastball
--Curveball
--Slider
--Slurveball
--Cutter Fastball
--Emo Fastball
--Change-up
--Circle Change
--Square Change
--Fistball
--Death Ball (not legal in MLB)
--Butterball
--Knuckle Puck
--Groin ball

-Dice-K was so used to pitching a complete 9 innings in Japan that the first time he was pulled during a Red Sox's game he refused to leave the mound. After 20 minutes of discussion, he was allowed to stay on the mound while the relief pitchers worked.

-Dice-K communicates through a translator. The Translator, by most accounts, was not as much of a "political thriller" as advertised. Especially Nicole Kidman, who just seemed to phone it in.

-During spring training Dice-K was visited by Super Bowl Champion Peyton Manning. Manning challenged Dice-K to a "Throw Off" to see who had a stronger arm. As I write this post the two men are still tied, as neither of their throws have landed yet.

-In June Alex Rodriguez was harshly criticized for yelling "CHING CHONG CHONG CHANG!" every time Dice-K pitched. When questioned by the media Rodriguez was quoted as replying "CHONG POW CHANG CHOW!" A CAT scan three days later would show that Rodriguez had been suffering from a concussion for the last week and had lost the ability to speak English.

-Dice-K actually possesses the ability to throw a 15th pitch. Called "The Face Of God" ball, Dice-K actually transforms the ball into a beam of pure energy, destroying all in it's path. He only throws this ball he is fatigued. In other words, never.

-A renegotiation of Dice-K's contract is already in the works, which would allow him to start 161 games next year, as well as pitch for both leagues in the All-Star game. The one day off would be September 13th, his birthday.

-At Dice-K's party there will be a pinata. It will be a life sized replica of himself filled with delicious candy, except for his pitching arm which, true to the man, will be made of pure, unbreakable titanium.