WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 12-12-07

Worzala's Wednesday Word has come out of hiatus to bring you the word "kid", as in "I kid you not, the Merriam-Webster Word of the year is 'w00t'."

Yes, that's right. A word created by on-line gamers as part of their "elite speak", which they in turn truncate to "leet" which in turn is then mangled into "l33t" or *sigh* "l337". Look at that, that is an actual word to them and it's 75% numbers. And now they have the word of the year, even though it's got ZEROES in it!

According to Merriam-Webster's president, John Morse, "w00t" was an ideal choice because it blends whimsy and new technology.

Said Morse, "d00ds, 2day star7s a nu day 4 language!!1 inglish got pwned hard!! suxxor it n00bs, teh future iz ourz nowz!!eleven"

Morse, known as WurdDok on X-box Live, then slammed, like, an entire bottle of Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel and proceeded to beat Halo 3 on Epic.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-29-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "trio" as in "Here a trio of quick thoughts."

1) Yes, I get it, Miss Teen USA South Carolina sounds dumb, what with the "the Iraq" and "U.S. Americans" and such. Ha-ha-ha, good, I'm glad you're getting your daily dose of schadenfreude. But all that laughing at a teen's stumbling answer obscures the real point. That 1/5 of Americans can't find America on a map. That's 60 million people who can't find their own home on a map. That's 60 million people who can't pick their own continent out 7. And I'd like to point out that one of those 7 continents is a giant hunk of ice at the very bottom of the map and another is a giant island.

2) Speaking of Americans, today is the two year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Katrina was the reason I started donating blood again. Hey! Got an hour? Why don't you go donate some blood. The Red Cross could always use more of it. Can't give blood? Most grocery stores have pre-packaged food parcels that you can buy from them that they will then donate to food kitchens. Don't go grocery shopping? How about throwing Fisher House a Finski there, Abe Froman? But Matt, what good is $5 going to do? Well, if every American that can't identify Florida or Mexico on a map donated $5, that's $3 million right there. Basically, what I'm saying, is do Something next month, anything, to help someone else.

3) My fiancee watched the rated R trailer (NSFW) for Shoot 'em Up. She then asked me what the plot was supposed to be. I tried to explain that people shooting each other while falling out of a plane IS a plot, but I don't think she bought it.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-22-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "real" as in "It's always important to 'keep it real'."

"Keeping it real" means to act in a way that shows others that you have not forgotten where you come from. For example:

-Paying for the pizza when you all order in
-Hanging out on the front porch with the gang like you used to
-Coming back to the old neighborhood to visit
-Taking care of your parents

Michael Vick, aka Ron Mexico aka Ookie aka The Defendant, decided that a good way to be "keeping it real" was to become involved in dog fighting. Raising dogs, training dogs, hosting dog fights, if it involved dogs and fighting, Vick was "allegedly" a part of it. Why? Because he is a very talented, very rich person and apparently he felt it was desperately necessary to be "keeping it real" lest his friends think he had changed.

Thanks to his need to be seen as cool in the eyes of people that watch dogs kill each other for "sport", Michael Vick is now facing up to five years in prison. And not white collar prison.

Bravo Vick! You'll be the coolest guy in a jumpsuit!

Should have listened to Dave Chappelle, man. Should have listened.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-8-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "over" as in "I'll set the over/under for 'The Return of Jezebel James' at 6 episodes."

Here's the trailer.

I ... I don't know what else to say.

Though I do have some questions.

1) Why would parents name one child after, most likely, a relative and the other after, most likely, their favorite hot chocolate drink?

2) As it seems most sitcom characters with "unique" names are doomed to Bohemian/Gypsy lives with few job prospects and the specter of poverty constantly looming over their heads, can their parents be sued for child abuse?

3) Why are the skinny, successful brunettes always OCD about cleaning?

4) Is Parker Posey's inability to conceive God's punishment for being in You've Got Mail?

5) Who's the genius in the editing bay that let the laugh track trickle over into Posey's confession that she's barren?

6) Is there a more inappropriate thing to say to your boss than "I want [your sister] to have my baby"? Other than maybe "I want [your sister] to have my baby, and I want you to tape us making it"?

7) Even with her sister agreeing to be her "incubator" doesn't Parker Posey still need a man? Or is she just going to get a donor?

8) If she does get a donor, does that then make this the most impersonal pregnancy not involving Michael Jackson?

9) After the sister is done being pregnant in season one, what will they do then? Unless they plan on doing it "24" style in which case they can do about 270 seasons. ... at which point Parker Posey will probably be dead.

10) They got rid of "Firefly" and "Arrested Development" to give us this??

(thanks to The Onion's "The Hater" for pointing out this show exists.)

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-1-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "theory" as in "Things are getting better for our troops in Iraq, in theory. In theory Communism works, in theory."

Ahhhh Simpsons, is there any situation you can't be quoted in?

Anyway. Heard on the news yesterday that the American soldier death toll for July was 73. That's bad.

But it's the lowest for 2007. That's good.

That also means we've lost more than 73 soldiers each month for the last 5 months, including 122 in May. That's bad.

But you get your choice of frozen yogurt. Which I call Fro-gurt. That's good.

The number makes me sad because we are now more than 4 years and 4 months removed from the start of the Iraq War (March 19, 2003). We are 4 years and 3 months removed from the "Mission Accomplished" banner (May 1, 2003). We are more than 3 years and 7 months removed from the capture of Saddam Hussein (December 14, 2003). And we are now just over 2 years and 2 months removed from Vice President Dick Cheney telling us that "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency" (May 31, 2005). And yet 73 brave Americans died this last month. 122 died in May. Around 100 died in both April and June. We have not seen a month where fewer than 50 American soldiers have died since July '06. And that doesn't even factor in Allies killed, civilians killed and those who have been injured. And then there's the cost.

This is the reality we face. It is the reality that The President needs to face. And if history has shown us anything, it is the reality that the next President (and if they're a one-term wonder, the President after them) will have to face as well.

The one minor bright spot is that Vice President Cheney has finally let reality into his bubble world, admitting this week that he was wrong about his "last throes" comment.

The man has a lesbian daughter, yet stands with a party that works to make them second class citizens. He has created his own secret document classification. He stands fast in his support for Guantanamo Bay and his dual-branch position as Vice President. He shot a man in the face and got the man to apologize for it. He doesn't care if you like him or not.

But he is willing to admit he was wrong about his statement.

Sometimes you have to take the little victories.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 7-25-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "Doll" as in "The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the next Doll."

Why Doll?
Because apparently you still can't use the word "Whore" in your show title.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 7-18-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "muttering" as in, "If you go to see Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix with someone who has read the book, expect them to do a lot of muttering."

My girlfriend LOVES the Harry Potter series of books. So she was super pumped for the latest movie. As luck would have it, several of the people we know also LOVE Harry Potter, so we went as a big group on Saturday. Before it started she turned to Ken and said "Just so you know, I may be yelling in joy a lot." Then the movie started.

As the camera was panning in on the first shot I heard her softly say "This should really start...", then "that's out of order...", and then "that's not how this scene even...". And that was the first 10 minutes. At one point it became a constant stream of "Why did you even base the movie on the ****ing book if you're going to change everything??"

She knew that the movie might be trouble, she said as much as we left the house to go to the theater. "This is the shortest Harry Potter movie and it's based on the longest book, so it might not be good," is what she said. Turns out she was right.

One of the things that upset her the most, and I agree with this wholeheartedly, is that several times they took out parts of the story and replaced them with parts that the writer just made up. If you have to cut something for time, then cut it. Don't cut it out so you have time to stick in your own stuff. If you want to write about a boy wizard, or whatever, write your own book. My own personal story: I saw Episode II: Attack Of The Clones in the theater and spent the last 15 minutes or so pissed off because Anakin had had the "wrong" hand cut off. "In the BOOKS," I remember saying, "Mara Jade specifically told Luke that Vader had lost his hand as punishment for the first Death Star being destroyed. And those books are supposed to be CONICAL!"

It took 3 years before someone could talk me down from that. And I'm STILL irked by it.

Yet another reason I hope Watchmen never sees the light of day.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 7-11-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "buzzing" as in "I'd like to know why you were buzzing those swimmers."

Well, here's why.

It was my first time ever on a jet ski. Which is just like driving a motorcycle. Which is great, because I've never driven a motorcycle either. Unless you count the old arcade game which had a motorcycle handle for the controls. I usually ran into a rock at least 3 times every game. So, you know, I wasn't exactly prepared for the power in my hands.

It was also choppy out. Have you looked out towards the water today? Obviously you have, because you saw me out there, the waves are nuts. Apparently, if you get out past the waves jet skiing is awesome. Kind of like, if you survive being repeatedly kicked in the balls, being able to breath again is pretty awesome.

Have I mentioned I'm not a strong swimmer? I realize I'm wearing a life jacket, but that won't save me when I'm dumped into Lake Michigan by an airborne jet ski. The wide eyed look of panic should have been the indicator there.

So yes, I "drove" within 50 feet of some swimmers, did you think I did it on purpose? Did you think I did it for kicks? My constant refrain of "I don't know what I'm doing!" and "I think I'm done now!" should have been evidence to the contrary. Sorry I drifted towards your precious swimmers, Poseidon was trying to murder me and the rocket between my legs was doing it's best to help him out. I was buzzing those people on purpose the same way an abandoned fighter jet slams into the ground on purpose. Sorry for the inconvenience.

And yes, I'd be happy to move it further down the beach. Just as soon as my knuckles turn pink again.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 6-13

Today's Wednesday Word is "stereo" as in "If someone will murder your boyfriend for a used stereo, they're probably not that reliable."

Kathryn Smith and her son Nick Taylor learned that one the hard way when the man they hired to kill Smith's boyfriend went to the police. Smith and Taylor have both accepted plea deals and now face 6 to 12 years in prison. Now I'm no murderologist, but maybe, just maybe if they had offered the man more than $50 and a used stereo, he might not have narced them out. Seriously, $50? Are you paying him to kill someone or rake your leaves?

Better yet, if they wanted to kill the boyfriend they could have taken matters into their own hands. They wouldn't even need a gun. They could have used a swordfish snout like the two gentlemen in Australia.

Not into seafood? How about a cotton mouth water moccasin, "the most venomous snake out there", in the middle of Shuckers Grill and Bar? One bite to Smith's boyfriend and, while the South might rise again, he certainly wouldn't.

Maybe Smith and Taylor would be moments from committing the murder and have a sudden change of heart. No problem. That's why the Pentagon considered building a "gay bomb" back in 1994. One blast and you wouldn't have to worry about having him as a boyfriend any more. Well, Smith wouldn't. Taylor might have some new problems on his hands.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 6-6-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "bits" as in "Here's some bits of wisdom, dummy."

1) There are somethings you can buy off brand, like oatmeal. Somethings, like bathroom cleanser, you can not. Those couple extra cents? They spend that on thinning the bleach to a non-lethal level.

2) Don't play around with guns. Even as a joke. Even if you're sure it's unloaded. Screwing around with anything other than a squirt gun could get you killed.

3) Snow blowers always have an extra rotation left in them after you shut them off. Even if they're jammed. Do you like having hooks for hands? Then use a stick.

4) The Universe has better things to do with Its time than curse you for not passing on a chain e-mail. Same goes for God.

5) If you've put it on the internet, someone will find it. Yes, people outside of college and high school have heard of MySpace and Facebook. Yes, they will ask why you're shotgunning a beer with a bong in your other hand. No, they will not be impressed with your answer.

6) Before you do something do not ever say "Hey! Watch this!", you are only asking for trouble. Especially if you are playing around with a gun while snowblowing.

And the event yesterday that inspired this post...

7) If it's raining out, and your car won't start, don't hook up one half of your jumper cables and leave the other half just laying in the increasingly wet road. That's not good for anybody.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-30-07

Today's word is "rub" as in "What the rub-a-dub-dub, someone's stolen our tub!"

Japan, the country that brought you schoolgirl underwear vending machines and "ladies only" subway cars, has recently had a $987,000 18-karat gold tub stolen from a resort hotel.

The tub, which weighs 176 pounds, was in a chained off room on the tenth floor of the hotel. Now, I don't know what my tub costs, but I'm willing to guess it is not almost a million dollars. None the less, my tub is sealed into the wall. And again, my tub does not cost a million dollars. It probably doesn't even cost $500,000, unless you include the shower curtains. ... and the rest of the house. ... and the neighbor's house. If my tub was made of solid gold, however, you can bet I would have it nailed to the ground, and you'd need a key card and a retinal scan to even enter the bathroom. The hotel didn't have the tub riveted down nor did it even have security cameras in place. I don't know if a sign saying "Hey, just steal this already" was still coming back from the printers or not.

At the same time, I'd like to know how the thieves got the tub off the 10th floor. Did they try to squeeze it in the elevator? It's 176 pounds, did they have to use the stairs? I would have hated to be on the short end of that deal.

Thief 1: Step. Step. Step.
Thief 2: Not so fast! I'm getting crushed here!
Thief 3: Might I remind you we are STEALING this tub?
Thief 1: Step. Step. Step.
Thief 4: Hold on a sec, I gotta get a better grip.
Thief 2: Yeah, I need a break.
Thief 4: We are stealing a solid gold bathtub!! Suck it up! What floor are we on?
Thief 2: The 8th.
Thief 1: *bleep*
Thief 1: Step. Step. Step.

I just hope that bath is worth it. Do you think they already have the diamond encrusted rubber duckies?

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-23-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "blood" as in "That's a lot of first blood right there."

Watching the preview trailer for Rambo IV: John Rambo I found myself with some thoughts.

1) Wow. John Rambo has gotten fat. Burma Papa Johns must deliver.

2) Nice hair. You're 60 years old John Rambo. I know you're living in the jungle and all, but either cut the hair or grow a mullet. Please, you look silly John Rambo, and you're spending a fortune getting those herbal shampoos you like shipped up to you.

3) If you want to prove a man is tough, you have them fish. Using a bow to get fish is the third toughest way to do it. Number two is with your bare hands. Number one is whistling them into your boat.

4) Missionaries. When are you ever going to learn that peace is for p******?

5) Burma? I'm sorry, did you mean Myanmar?

6) Seriously though, it's set in Burma? How about Dafur? Or, I don't know, Iraq? You could even go back to Afghanistan, John Rambo, and say hey to the guys and girls from Rambo III

7) There is no better way to follow up a message about Christian Love than John Rambo lopping an Asian man's head clean off.

8) Wow. Point blank range will really spatter a guy all over a jee- was that his head?? They're not getting any of that out of the jeep's upholstery.

9) This trailer is A LOT more violent than I remember the first three trailers being. A LOT.

10) 25 years ago John Rambo just wanted something to eat and to be welcomed home. Now he's ripping throats out with his bare hands. Again, because peace is for p******.

11) I will give them credit for not putting "Bodies Hit The Floor" or "Break Stuff" in the trailer.

12) Rocky Balboa, John Rambo do you think they had to name the movies after the character so Stallone would remember who he's playing? Or was First Blood part 4 John Rambo just too long for the posters?

and
13) Exploding arrows are cool, but he's certainly not building any Hurting Bombs.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-16-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "karaoke" as in "This Wednesday Word is not really about karaoke."

I greatly enjoy singing Karaoke. I'm not saying I'm good at singing, I just enjoy doing it. I was out of town this weekend with my girlfriend and her family for her brother's college graduation and as we were wondering the bar lined streets looking for somewhere to spend Saturday night, my eyes caught a Karaoke teleprompter through the windows of a bar. Since everyone but the grad likes karaoke (or at least doesn't hate it) we stopped in for a drink and a song or two.

There was a gentleman, name of Jersey John, who sang half a dozen songs while we were there. He did a pretty decent "Shot In The Dark", but I hear if you screw up an Ozzie song the Prince of Darkness will rise out of the shadows and give you the "Alamo" treatment. Later in the night Jersey John sang Neil Diamond's classic "America", a song of immigration and hope for our great nation. Jersey John decided to take advantage of a pause in the song to shout into the microphone "If you don't speak English, get out!" And he said it more than once, so I'm sure that's what he said.

*ahem*

First, let me say the last person I want giving me advice about speaking English is someone from Jersey.

Second, my mother's ancestors came over on the Mayflower. My ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence. Josiah Bartlet, that's my blood. My father's ancestors, on the other hand, were kicking around Poland and Italy until the early 1900's. My great-grandmother, at the time of her death, still spoke the most bare of bones of English.

My point is this. I speak flawless English. My father speaks flawless English. My grandmother and her three sisters all spoke flawless English. They also spoke Italian, but they realized that if they wished to advanced in this country, they were going to have to learn to speak the English. People are not dumb, no matter where they are from or how they got here. People come to this country for the chance at a better life than they can have in their own country, and every parent wants better for their children than they themselves had. If you want to succeed in this country you have to learn to speak English. Not because we'll deport you if you don't, but because those are the rules of the game.

I don't know what has some people all in a bind over immigrants to a foreign country not being able to speak the language. I can think of three countries that speak English as a first language outside of ours, four if South Africa does, and I'm not sure about that. English is not an easy language to learn. Don't believe me? Look at; they're, their, there, to, two, too, bow, bow, beau, bough, cough and through just as an example.

I come from a state where entire towns taught school in German and had German only newspapers up until Ferdinand was killed and it was no longer cool to be down with The Fatherland. China Towns and Little Italys are considered quaint, but Mexican immigrants speaking Spanish is a threat to our way of life?

We'll use Spanish as the example as I head to the end. We have a large Mexican population in my town, because they come north to work in our meatpacking plants. If they can get a job putting a rail through a cow's brain and turning her into t-bones speaking only Spanish, more power to them. If they want to mop floors for a living speaking only Spanish, hey, here's your mop and bucket. But is that what you want for your kids? Ankle deep in sudsy water or cow blood? If you want to succeed in this country, if you want to move forward from where your parents started, you will have to learn English. If not you, then your children. And their children. Teach them a love for your language, teach them fluency in it, but just know that when they leave the house they're going to need to speak English if they want to succeed. There's no need for the Jersey Johns of this country to threaten "Learn our language or leave", because there's no need for the stick when the carrot is the American Dream. And the Dream comes in English.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-9-07

Sorry for the delay, Jacob told me to wait on the post. Today's word is "Harmon" as in "Dan Harmon of Acceptable.tv had an interview with the AV Club this week and so is probably Googling his name and I just wanted to pop up on Dan Harmon's search for Dan Harmon."

For those of you who haven't checked it out yet, Acceptable.tv is a program created by Harmon, Jack Black (yes, that Jack Black), and Rob Schrab. It's a half hour program that each week features 5 short "television pilots". The audience then gets the weekend to vote for their two favorite shorts either on the website or via text messaging (side note: is there anything you can't accomplish by text messaging these days? Fifteen years from now the priest is going to be saying "If anyone objects to this union, text 'no' to 45990"). The top two shows stick around for another episode, the other three are replaced by three completely new pilots.

Do yourself a favor and check it out because the pilots are, more often than not, very funny. The only real shame of the program at the moment is that the "Mr. Sprinkles" juggernaut allows for only one other program to be voted back each week. "Law and Order", "High Fiver", "Gayliens" and "Shady Acres" are just some of the pilots that have unfortunately been sacrificed before "Mr. Sprinkles" animated altar. I've heard mutterings on other discussion boards that perhaps next year they'd allow 3 pilots to come back each week and while I recognize I have no say in the decision, if Dan Harmon is reading this post that's only sort of about Dan Harmon, I'd like to say that that sounds like a good idea.

I don't know if Dan Harmon really does Google himself, but if he does, then I'd just like to say Hi. I've been reading your myspace blog now for probably a year. I like it a lot, though I wish you had free time to update it more. Dan Harmon is a very good writer, which is not surprising since he's paid to do it. Did you know that Dan Harmon and Rob Schrab co-wrote Monster House? Cause they did. Though if you read Dan's blog, as I have, you'll realize that he doesn't take a lot of credit for it. Apparently a lot of what you see on the screen was actually written by a third party that came along much later. Putting walls up on the frame that they gave her, if you will. So Dan doesn't like to take a lot of the credit, at least from his blog, but he'll take a lot of the criticism. That's the kind of guy he is. I'd like to tell him to buck up, but I think he's happy the way he is. And he seems to get irked when people he doesn't know tell him to "buck up".

After you lurk on someone's blog for long enough, especially if you don't know the person, it becomes harder and harder to reply to what they've written. Jen can attest to that. So Dan will probably never know that I've been following his life's adventures for some time now. Unless he reads this blog. You know, when Dan Harmon Googles Dan Harmon to see if Dan Harmon's interview about Acceptable.tv has popped up anywhere else.

So, hi Dan. And hello to anyone that's been coming here and lurking. You never have to say hello if you don't want to, that's fine by me. Just know that you're welcome to hang around as long as you like. Bring your friends if you'd like. Tell them to visit VentureScripts.

What? Like I wasn't going to plug that?

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-2-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "baby" as in "Stop the ride, there's a baby under there!"

One summer day ages ago, when I still worked at Bay Beach Amusement Park, James was running the Tilt-a-whirl. He was zoning out slightly, as is the case of most of the ride operators. It's 90 degrees, you're sitting directly in the sun surrounded by hot metal, you're wearing a polo shirt tucked into your shorts and you're only 4 hours into your 12 hour double shift. The Tilt-a-whirl is especially hypnotic. Release cart brake, move throttle to halfway, allow for a rotation, move throttle to full, wait three minutes, throttle down, engage cart brake. Repeat, repeat, *sigh* repeat.

James was, I'm sure, deep in some thought about how some day he'd have a real job, or else how drunk he was going to get that night. It was always a toss-up with most of the staff there. Suddenly a man starts yelling at him, "Stop the ride, there's a baby under there! Stop the ride!" James bolts out of his seat and immediately throws the throttle back into neutral and slams on the electronic brake which sends ride goers slamming into each other in their carts as the ride grinds to a halt.

A baby under the ride, while difficult to imagine, was not impossible to believe. The bottom of the Tilt-a-whirl, which covered all of the gears and belts that made the ride move, did not reach all the way to the ground. It would be, in theory, possible for someone to get under there. It was also possible that someone's child had gotten away from them. Not only are children notoriously slippery, but a lot of the people that came to Bay Beach Amusement Park were idiots. Case in point, people would climb over giants rocks and walk past rotting fish corpses in order to splash around in the bay, fulling ignoring the fact that there was no swimming in the Bay due to the giant floating landfill 100 yards off of the shore.

This was all in James' mind as he vaulted the exit line bars and landed next to the Good Samaritan. Dropping to his knees on the hot concrete, James scanned the darkness looking and listening for the child.

"I don't see a baby," said James.

"Oh, it's not down there," replied the man.

"What?"

"But it could have been," said the man who cried baby. "And if one did," he continued, as his Special Olympics medal gleamed in the sun, "I could go and get him because I'm wearing special shoes."

"Oh..." said James, as he searched for an appropriate response. "Okay. I'll remember that."

We never did get the name of that well intentioned man and James never did have need of his special, injury proof shoes but that day did become the day the Tilt-a-whirl came to be known by its new, unofficial name: The Baby Killer.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 4-18-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "religious" as in "I'm not really religious, but I am spiritual. ...wait, what? Oh, that's what it means? Oh, okay, yeah, I'm religious not spiritual."

Religion is not a bad thing. It never has been. Religion, like Government and Girl Scout cookies, exists to help people. In a perfect world Religion exists to inspire people, to make their lives better and to worship a loving creator. Of course, this isn't a perfect world and things that are perfect in their abstract form quickly become tainted when mixed with reality. That's why we have zealots, graft and those Lemon cookies.

Less than 48 hours after the tragedy at Virgina Tech, some people are already blaming the separation of church and state for what happened. Oh, and abortion, can't forget abortion. If we all just believed the world was 6,000 years old and that dinosaurs existed at the same time as man in the Garden of Eden, these sort of things wouldn't happen. But because God didn't smite Charles Darwin and John Scopes when He had the chance, the world has been going to hell ever since. This is not over exaggeration on my part, I wish it was. Watch Jesus Camp sometime soon. These people exist, and they're having a lot of kids who they're teaching at home, far away from nasty science and question-asking peers.

Of course, a zealot's life is not all rainbow covenants and mana from heaven. There are disadvantages as well. 1) It makes you bit of a bore and a smidgen of a jerk that no one outside of your fellow zealot circle will want to associate with. 2) God might give you rabies.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 4-4-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "American" as in "Just because you're from Spain doesn't mean you can't be a True American."

America is known for it's "can-do attitude". We are the first country to successfully secede from it's mother country. We built a railroad that spanned the entire country. We were the first to take flight and the first to walk on the moon. If it's possible to achieve, we as Americans will do it. Even if it looks impossible, we will find a way.

That's why we here at Star Worz salute this man for his can-do spirit that can only be defined as American-esque.

This man was confronted by the police in Lisbon for failing to have his dog muzzled and leashed. What did he do? He had his dog attack the policemen. But when his dog, an obvious NON-American, turned tail and fled, what did he do? Did he surrender? No. He used American ingenuity and decided if his dog wasn't going to bit the police officers, He Would.

Crazy, police biting man, we at Star Worz salute you. Because if that ain't American, Star Worz-iors, I don't know what is.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 3-28-07

Today's word is "people" as in, "Please, try and remember that your pets are not little people."

A Canadian woman learned this the hard way this week while trying to convince her dog "Missy" to try her new dog food.

Now, I'm not a dogologist, so maybe I do not know of what I speak. But my family has had dogs my entire life, so I feel that I have a good working background. Therefore, it is with confidence that I say this: Dogs will eat anything.

And I mean annnnnything.

We had a dog, "Sam", that would gobble down basically anything you put in front of him, and several things you did not. Meat, vegetables, bread, wood, plastic, grass, whatever, whenever, where ever. Why? Because he was a dog, and that's what dogs do.

Remember, animals are not people. Your Poopsie-woopsie will only eat broiled pork chops? No. You're just a sucker. Give Poopsie a bowl of dog food and a few days to mull it over and they'll go back to eating Kibble.

That being said, whatever you do decide to feed your dog, remember, again, it is not people. It does not need to be convinced that food is good. So do not, like the woman in the article, eat dog food to sway your dog.

Apparently the Universe was trying to teach her this lesson as well, as the brand of dog food she chose to dine on was one of the many recently recalled brands from Iams. Turns out, some of the wheat used in the food had come from China where they had been spraying the crop with rodent killing poisons. Funny thing about rodent poison, they don't just hurt rodents. The other funny thing, this woman didn't know about the recall that had been all over the national news. So she wound being visited by the double-team of projectile vomiting and foaming at the mouth. Now she's thinking of suing Iams. For what? I don't know. For not personally telling her about the recall? About not warning her to not eat Dog Food? For making the Dog Food so darn delectable looking that it was hard to resist?? I don't know. I'm not a lawyer.

There is a lesson to be learned here good Star Worz-iors, and that lesson is that humans are humans and pets are pets, and never the two should meet when it comes to dining. Not even Milk Bones, which are quite delectable.

Oh yeah, and don't trust the Chinese. Or at least their wheat.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 3-21-07

Today's Wednesday word is "bored" as in, "If you're so bored, why don't you read a book? Or else you might get punched in the face."

Imagine you're Dean Heinrich. Imagine you're laying in your bed, sleeping the night away, when things begin to get weird.

Weird: You wake up at 5:45 a.m. on a Sunday.

Weirder: You're woken up by someone else in your bedroom.

Weirder Still: It's a burglar.

So what do you do? If you're Dean "Two-Fisted Justice" Heinrich, you bolt out of bed and punch the burglar in the face. Then you slam them into the ground and hog tie them with what ever you can find handy. Then things get weird again.

More Weird: Your burglar is only 17.

More Weirder: Your burglar is a girl.

More Weirder Still: She did it because she was bored.

*sigh* And these are the kids that will be running things when I hit retirement age? Looks like I better go over those Rocket Ship schematics again.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 3-14-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "see" as in "Do you see what I see? They've discovered seas on Saturn's moon, Titan. Si? Si!"

So, just as a heads up, this will be the last Star Worz column ever. You can keep coming back to click the ads, I'd appreciate it if you do, but I'm out of here. I'm going to Titan to become a fisherman, and I'm never coming back.

Ever?

Never.

Forget this planet with it's race wars and suicide bombers and homophobes and flip phones and pre-teens in low rise jeans and Fox New's "1/2 Hour News Hour". You can all keep each other, clicking away on my ad for eternity, I'm catching the first rocket to outer space and I'm setting up shop.

Julie can come along. Tani too, to run the bait shop. And Skip, cause I'll need someone to operate a radio station so I have something to listen to while I fish. You don't even need to operate a two hour "hot hit" rotation Skip, I promise. It's going to be mostly Gin Blossoms anyway.

I'm going to get a boat and a rod with 120 pound test line and a cooler full of beers and I'm going to go. I'm going to catch Methane fueled moon fish, and I'm going to cook them up over an open fire and it's going to rock my socks. And on Friday's I'm going to mix in a little lemon butter. My taste buds are going to explode.

I'm going to get there first, and when all you Johnny YouTube Come Latelys get there, guess who's going to have all the good spots staked out? I'll give you a hint: He's got two thumbs and wrote this article. That's right, this guy. You want to cast for Titan Trout by the sunken log next to the reed patch? Good luck with that pal, I got up at 3 a.m. Jupiter time to get that spot. Why don't you try Cassini. Ha-ha-ha-ha. If you can find any fish in those methane puddles Cassini calls lakes.

This is going to be awesome. Good-bye job, good-bye rent payments, just me, a boat and liquid methane as far as the eye can see. I am so pumped right now I might leave work early and start working on my rocket ship. I should be able to build one, right? If Billy Bob Thornton can do it, I can do it.

In conclusion, I want to thank all of you for supporting me for the past 13 months. Maybe, if I have time and can get someone to hook up a modem line to my space shanty, I'll post updates and "catch of the day" pictures. But I'll probably be too busy catching huge trophy bass to write.

Take care, be excellent to each other and watch out for those man eating cows. Now that I'm leaving someone else is going to have to keep an eye on them. My money's on Gary.