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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

DID YOU KNOW?

People often say to me, "Matt, you must know a lot about Halloween seeing as your birthday is one day later. Can you share some of your knowledge with me?" To which I usually respond "How did you get in my house?"

Breaking and entering notwithstanding, here are some of the facts and trivia I have learned over the years about Halloween.

-Like all of the greatest inventions(1), Halloween was created in America in the early 1600's by the Pilgrims during their first year in the country. Halloween is not, as it is believed now, a celebration of the day before All Saint's Day. It was originally a stand-alone holiday called The Hollowing, where settlers would gather around and hollow out gourds for hours on end.

-There was not much to do in pilgrim times.

-In 1670 the holiday expanded from just gourd hollowing to include the filling of the gourds with candy and simple toys. This was done in response to town elders who complained that in their day they didn't just waste gourds "for shaverings."

-"For shaverings" means "for fun". No one uses this term any more.

-In 1777 the worst Halloween incident of its time occurred when 20 school children, dressed as British soldiers, were surrounded and attacked by Continental soldiers. Every child, to a man, were killed(2).

-Ironically, Abe Lincoln, inventor of the penny, preferred to give away apples to children on Halloween. He claimed giving away bags of pennies was "totally gay."(3)

-John Brown did not lead his attack at Harper's Ferry because of slavery, but because he had been given nothing but boxes of raisins in his Halloween gourd as a child.

-Raisins are a great Halloween treat, if you are willing to take the chance one of the children may lead a slave revolt at your local ferry harbor because of it.

-Halloween has only been suspended twice in American history. Once during the Great Depression and once during the Prohibition, when nothing fun was allowed.

-The first Halloween to have an apple with a razor hidden in it was in 1952, in Spokane, Washington. The culprit, a Mr. Marc Bederman, claims he was only trying to invent a shaving razor you could eat.(4)

-The greatest Halloween tragedy of the 20th century happened in 1969 in the town of South Hill, Illinois. John Dooley, 7, had dressed up as the moon and was attending the town costume pageant when the Apollo 11 shuttle landed on him. The size of the ship crushed everyone in the town square to death, except little John Dooley, who died after Neil Armstrong stabbed him with a flag.

-In 1997 the most popular costume was the "Scream" movie mask. The second most popular costume was Barney, followed closely by "Slutty Barney".

-Medical science shows that anyone who has ever thrown eggs at a house on Halloween has died a long, lonely death.(5)

1) except bacon(6)

2) At the time of their death, the children had succeeded in taking control of Trenton, New Jersey.

3) Despite being The Great Emancipator(7), Lincoln was not considered very P.C., even for his time

4) That would be awesome.

5) As a virgin(8)

6) the food, not Francis

7) The Great Emancipator would be a great name for a wrestler, why the WWE hasn't snatched it up yet is beyond me

8) So don't even think about it(9)

9) Seriously

Friday, October 27, 2006

GOING TO THE CHAPEL AND WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED?

Here in Wisconsin we get to vote on Tuesday on whether or not the state should allow gay marriage. Here's a list I was passed by a friend called "10 Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage is 'Wrong'". I did not write it, but I think it's good. Since I did not write it, I will preface it with a joke I just made up today which I also think is good.

The Joke:
Did you hear about the Jewish trucker that was kicked out of the temple?
They found out he was using a Ham radio.

The List:
10 REASONS AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage would be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

TAG! YOUR SELF-ESTEEM IS IT!

Willett Elementary School, in Attleboro, Massachusetts, put a ban on playing tag, as well as other chase games (like touch football), last week citing fears that children may get hurt playing and that the school will be sued by the parents. According to the parents, another factor is their concern that, according to Time magazine, "such games could hurt self-esteem if... one kid were always 'it'."

*sigh* Where to start?

Currently 30.3 of children ages 6 to 11 are overweight and 15.3 percent are obese. 30.4 percent of children 12 to 19 are overweight and 15.5 percent are obese. Since we've apparently made a collective goal to make America the fattest country in the world, it's best we limit the amount of exercise our young people get during the day. McDonalds prints pro-exercise ideas on their wrappers and schools are banning running around. Mc"We Invited Super Sizing"Donalds is doing more to have fit children than our SCHOOLS. Recess was invented for the kids to run around and burn off steam, and now we're telling them they shouldn't be running around? Yeah, I don't know why Jimmy won't sit still and pay attention in Math class. Oh wait, I've got it, lets pump him full of mood altering drugs. That'll solve everything.

And why? Because kids might get hurt? I've got a newsflash for you, kids get hurt. Most kids spend the age of 6 months-20 physically hurting themselves, then from 21-35 hurting themselves emotionally. That's how they learn things. You learn not to play on ladders by falling off one. You learn not to run on ice by slipping and falling. I broke my pinkie when I tried to put my bare hand in my glove before the ball got there. I never made that mistake a second time.

Kids get hurt. That's what they do. They have a magical ability to do it. You could wrap the entire playground in Nerf and put all the kids in oversized plastic gerbil balls and they would still come home covered in dirt and scrapes. You got hurt when you were a kid, right? Do you think you're so much tougher than your own children that they can't handle falling down and scrapping their knee? Cause you weren't. Trust me, we have the pictures on record.

Lastly, the self-esteem issue. Ahhh, self-esteem. We need all of our children to feel like winners. If we don't let all of our children feel like winners then they'll be crushed beyond all repair. On the inside. So let's make sure everyone does well. Look, I even brought an EXTRA chair for musical chairs.

It must be awesome in the fantasy world these people live in. I mean absolutely awesome. Where every baby is loved and candy is better for you than salad or exercise. Where Osama Bin Laden is serving a life sentence in a glass prison inside the Washington Monument and politicians make less than ball players who make less than teachers and doctors.

Here in the real world though, life is not fair, and everyone doesn't win. Wait till these elementary kids get to high school. Wait till they apply for a college. Or better yet, a job. For every person in the world there is someone better looking, smarter, funnier and/or richer. Just be glad we live in a civilized world. If we were gazelle those 30% I mentioned earlier would be lion chow by now. At what point do we tell someone "okay, now you're ready to fail, we're not going to protect you anymore"? Just like you have to learn how to read or tie your shoes at an early age, you have to learn how to fail early on. How can you be expected to lose gracefully as an adult if you were never allowed to lose as a kid?

Keeping kids in a world where they're told they shouldn't be active, they shouldn't be hurt and they should always at least tie is cruel and unusual. It's not realistic and it doesn't help prepare them for the outside world, which is one of the main functions of our educational system.

So please, let your kids be kids. And encourage them to suck.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 10-25-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "wow" as in "Just listen to this, and once you pick your jaw up off the floor, you'll say 'Wow.'."

In case you're living in a cave at the bottom of the ocean... on the Moon, you know that elections are fast approaching. (exception: Not living in America. Which has gotta sorta be like living on the Moon. I mean, do you even get The Office over there? What about Lost?) And as is the case with most elections in the last 40 years or so, there are ads for politicians on television. And as is the case with some of these ads, there are famous celebrities promoting candidates that support platforms they champion. One of these celebrities is Michael J. Fox, who you might remember as Alex P. Keaton from the show "Family Ties". As a character on television, Fox was an uber-Republican, but in these commercials he is supporting Democratic candidates who favor stem cell research, a cause near and dear to Fox as he has been suffering from Parkinson's disease for the last 15 years.

Or so HE claims. Apparently
Rush Limbaugh isn't that convinced. Limbaugh has critizied Fox for OVER PLAYING HIS DISEASE. He claimed that Fox's trembling and shaking in the ads was over the top and much more than he had ever seen from the actor before. Gee, Mr. Limbaugh, is it possible a degenerative disease could get worse over time? Is it possible Fox was having an especially bad day? Is it possible that you are one of the most thoughtless blowhards that has ever been given a podium?

Needless to say the outpouring of outrage was fast and furious towards Limbaugh who quickly back tracked. He now allows for the possibility that Fox was NOT faking (gee, thanks ever so much) but he should still be ashamed of himself for having the nerve to back a non-Republican candidate. How dare he speak his mind? Doesn't he know there's a war going on?

I shouldn't have to tell you to be outraged, so I won't. But personally, my jaw is still sore from when it hit the table.

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Monday, October 23, 2006

ALOHA FROM THE ISLANDS

My friend, and fellow blogger, Tani was in Hawaii this last weekend. While she was gone, I filled in on her blog, posting more odd personal ads. As a thank you, Tani did a small write-up about the Ironman competition she watched while on vacation. Oddly enough, there's no mention of Tony Stark...

Saw the Ironman in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii this weekend. Beth and I sat out for at a finish line for three hours and cheered her brother on as he staggered in after running 26.2 miles… just after biking 114 miles (yes, read that again) and SWIMMING two miles in the ocean. In the
time it took him to do that Ironman, I snorkeled two laps around a lagoon, rinsed sand off my feet, drank 2 mai-tais, yelled at a waitress who tried to sneak a gratuity past me on my bill, bought souvenirs, took a shower, shaved my legs, dried my hair and styled it, and took a lot of pictures of Hawaii. Obviously I was more productive because in the time it took him to do three things, I did about 12 things.

We were there at the finish line at dusk, sitting on a seawall watching a sunset, surrounded by thousands of people there to cheer on their loved ones. This was a big event. As each person ran the red carpet, everyone cheered, music blasted, and lots of the athletes had their spouse and/or kids run that last little dash with them. I was a bit concerned for a few of these. The mothers who did a handoff – handing their husband an INFANT to run to the finish line with – they worried me the most. Because if I had just run 26.2 miles, on top of everything else, there is a good chance I would not have a lot of strength left to carry a child. But you could tell some of these kids were old pros at this. Dad would take the kid, get a fresh burst of energy, and bolt down the red carpet. The kid would obligingly not cry as he turned into daddy's little bobblehead for a moment.

One guy proposed to his woman at the finish line after she had just finished the ironman. Talk about getting her when the defenses are down!

The most interesting one, though, had to be the BLIND MAN who ran the Ironman. He was pulled along by his "seeing eye" companion, and I had been drinking and found this whole thing hilarious. So I am going to be a little un-PC here, but I want to discuss this. Hey, it's not like I have to worry he is going to read this or anything.

First off, I want to know whose idea this was. Because if his companion was his nurse/seeing eye friend, he must have really been regretting this one.

Blind man: Hey – I want to show the world seeing-impaired people can accomplish anything, too.
Companion: Good idea! How about writing a book? I can type it out for you…
Blind man: no. I KNOW! I want to do an ironman – 2 miles of swimming, 114 miles on a bike, 26.2 miles of running.
Companion: ….uh. Okay?
Blind man: And I need you to do it too so you can lead me.
Companion: Oh, F%#*!
Blind man: come on, it won't be that hard!
Companion: YEAH RIGHT! Can't you come up with anything else?
Blind man: Well, there's Nascar, I guess…
Companion: …I'll get some sneakers.

Alternately, maybe the COMPANION wanted to do the ironman and just didn't want to lose his job by stowing his patient somewhere.
Companion: let's go for a swim.
Blind man: who are all these people? Why is there an announcer?
Companion: Don't sweat it. Let's go. OH! SWIM FAST! SHARK!
Later…
Blind man: HOW FAR DID WE SWIM! DID WE ESCAPE THE SHARK?
Companion: Don't worry about it. Here. Get on this hatchet-seat bike and follow me closely. HURRY! There's a pit bull behind you! GO! GO! GO!

Sorry… it's terrible… I just don't know how this came about.

And on the way back, Beth and I discussed the whole "seeing-eye" theory. WHY do they call them Seeing Eye dogs? Isn't that redundant? It's not like there are any "seeing Butt" dogs out there… Or "hearing eye" dogs…

I found it most apt that he did not have a dog. Do you know WHY he did not do the Ironman with a dog? Easy. Dogs are too smart. My dog, Shiloh, was a very energetic beagle. And he would have absolutely refused the swimming and biking parts… because he would NEVER have gotten on a bike. (ba-dump-bump) But seriously, to get Shiloh to run the marathon, we would have needed a seeing-eye SQUIRREL to run ahead just to keep the dog focused and running…and even then, Shiloh would have crapped out after a mile or so, because Shiloh was not a very motivated squirrel hunter.

In any case, I highly respect and admire what this man was able to do. Lord knows I will never be out there running and biking and swimming my way through a race like that… but I still think he should try a day in MY life in Hawaii… balancing a Mai-Tai while snorkeling is NO easy feat.

Friday, October 20, 2006

TOO GOOD NOT TO BE TRUE

This week a 26 year old woman was arrested after police discovered 11 grams of crack hidden in her 2 year old daughter's jacket pocket. This happened in Beloit, Wisconsin, which is, amusingly, located in Rock County.

Did the woman think she was going to get away with this? What was that conversation like?

Woman- Here they come honey, now you just stand still and be a good girl.
Cop- Miss, we've gotten reports of some suspicious activity in the area. Drugs and such. Do you mind if we search you?
Woman- Go right ahead officer.
Girl- Mommy, I got-
Woman- Shhhhh. You be quiet in front of the police officer.
Cop- Okay, everything seems to be in order here.
Girl- Look! Look what I got!
Woman- I'm sure the officer doesn't want to see that dear.
Girl- I got a bag!
Cop- You do? Can I see it?
Woman- No!
Girl- Sure!
Cop- mmmmhmmm... Miss, do you know what this is?
Woman- I most certainly do not.
Cop- Really? You don't know crack rocks when you see them?
Woman- I am insulted you would even suggest such a thing!
Girl- What's crack rocks?
Woman- Isn't she precious?
Cop- Certainly is. Miss, you're going to have to come with me.
Woman- For what?
Cop- Well, possion of ... feels like 15 grams of crack.
Woman- It's only 11.
Cop- Uh-huh. Now if you could just step over here to the car-
Woman- But it's not mine.
Cop- Not your's?
Woman- No.
Cop- It just... what, fell into your daughter's pocket?
Woman- If it's in my daughter's pocket it must be her's.
Cop- Must be her's.
Woman- Possession is 9/10's of the law.
Cop- Right. How old are you sweetie?
Girl- This many.
Cop- Two years old. And she's packing crack in a baggie?
Woman- Shame what's happening to our youth these days.
Cop- Oooookay. Looks like I have to take you to jail now little girl.
Girl- What's jail?
Cop- It's a terrible, smelly place with big bars and you'll never get to see your friends or eat ice cream again.
Girl- Oh no!
Cop- Yup. Well, guess I have to take you there. No use in crying....
Woman- .....
Cop- Miss?
Woman- Yes?
Cop- This would be the time where you confess, throw yourself at my feet and beg me not to take your baby off to jail.
Woman- Officer, I understand and respect the law, you have to do what you have to do.
Cop- Little girl, is this your bag?
Girl- Yes.
Woman- See? I tell you, I'd take her home and spank her but I don't believe in hitting a child. Baby, momma will visit you in prison every chance I get.
Cop- And where did you get this bag?
Girl- From my mommy.
Woman- *gasp* Why you little narc!
Cop- Miss, you are a terrible human being and I pray to God that you never have another child. Little girl, why don't you go off with the other officer and get some ice cream. Your mother and I need to have a talk in my car.
Woman- I can not believe this! I've been framed by a two year old! What is this world coming to?!?
Cop- Yeah, sometimes I wonder that myself.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 10-18-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "back" as in "Let's bring back the duel!"

It's election time in the good old U.S of A (national motto: No, it's YOUR fault) and if you're in this country and not living in a lead lined vault at the bottom of a lake, you're probably all ready being inundated with political campaign commercials. (if you are living in a lead lined vault at the bottom of a lake, maybe you'll think twice next time you decide to cross Joey "Body Dumper" Calazone)

My favorite campaign ad series so far is being run against a Democratic Congressional candidate here. His name is Steve Kagen, or as the campaigns call him DR. MILLIONAIRE
. Oooooh, isn't that scary? Let's try it again. DR. MILLIONAIRE. Gives me chills just thinking about him being elected. Did you know he sued someone for not paying a doctor's bill? How DARE he! Expecting to be paid for a service he performed. That's just like DR. MILLIONAIRE. (who IS a doctor, though he's technically an alergist) The worst part of the whole thing? He used... a LAWYER!! I know, I gasped when I heard it as well. How dare that man ask to be compensated for his job, and when that failed to happen, utilize the American legal system. It makes me so sick to my stomach I want to spit red, white and blue. Certainly, DR. MILLIONAIRE is a cancer this country can't afford to have in Washington.

Oh wait, I forgot that his opponent is a CAREER POLITICIAN
who, through his own maliciousness, is the reason that brave American troops are without proper armor in Iraq. That's right, more than 2,000 American troops have been killed because the CAREER POLITICIAN wanted it that way!

I say the heck with all of it. What I've never understood is why more time is spent on running the other guy down as opposed to building yourself up. Tell me what YOU'RE going to do for me, not what THEY'RE going to do to me. Well, I understand why they don't, because that's not what gets people's dander up. People don't rally around "increased budget allocations for education" the way they do for "He's going to Hand the Country Over To Mexico!"

So my solution is simple. Run all the trash ads you want. However, if you besmirch the other candidate's character, they are legally allowed to challenge you to a duel. You both go off with your seconds and an official into a nice spot in the woods, take 20 paces each, turn and shoot each other with old flintlock pistols. You don't even have to fight to the death if it makes you squeamish. But I'm willing to bet that getting shot at once will be enough to convince a candidate to stick to the issues. Heck, can't make things any worse.

And I know
Zell Miller's for it.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

NORTH KOREA ANNOUNCES NEW WEAPONS PROGRAM

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, flying in the face of recent UN sanctions, announced a new weapons program this week.

"The capitalist, militaristic countries of this world had best reconsider further aggression towards the country of North Korea. We have taken the next step to protect our sovereignty, and we will use it against anyone that would attempt to exert their will upon us, be it Japan, the United States or the United Nations."

Jong-il then revealed his new weapon, which, according to eye witnesses, appeared to be an artists rendition of a dragon.

A U.S. military officer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said the announcement sent shockwaves through the Pentagon.

"First we thought [Kim Jong-il] had said 'dragoon', so we spent three hours looking that up on-line. Then the intelligence department double checked the transcript and we found out he said 'dragon'. ...We didn't really know how to react to that."

According to sources familiar with the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il is not only serious, he is poised to act if his demands for decreased U.N. sanctions are not approved.

"As a child I swam the Pacific Ocean from Korea to Canada and back. As a young man I fought an army of bears armed only with a belt. As a man I invented the microwave. And as the ruler of this country, I have traveled beyond the mountains to the dark lands and I have returned with a dragon's egg," said Jong-il. He continued to say that if provoked he himself would ride the dragon into battle.

Ban Ki Moon, leading candidate for U.N. Secretary-General, said the United Nations would proceed with negotiations with North Korea using the utmost caution. "While it is true that North Korea's nuclear weapons test earlier this month turned out to be nothing more than a hoax perpetrated in a narcissistic grab for attention, that does not mean we can simply scoff at North Korea's claim of dragon possession. After all, who would make that up?"

If North Korea does possess a dragon, it is too soon to say how this may tip the ever delicate balance in Asia. Would conventional weapons be useless against it's diamond hard hide of scales? Would a dragon's terrible leathery wings allow it to outmanuever even the most advanced of aircraft. Could it's fiery breath recall scenes of Dresden, Germany during World War II?

Shortly after the announcement British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that if North Korea should make any dragon based attacks the British Isles would not hesitate to retaliate by deploying King Arthur and his magical sword, Excalibur.

Friday, October 13, 2006

TO LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM

I have a friend, his name is Kevin, he runs a website incompetech.com that specializes in, besides other things, graph paper. It's a hugely popular site. Seriously, go to Google, type in "graphing paper" and hit search. It'll probably be the number two site listed. That's how popular it is. Kevin's site also had ads on it. The ads generate enough money that Kevin has been able to leave his other job and live soley on his internet income.

Speaking of Google, they recently spent over $1 billion to buy
www.youtube.com. One. Billion. Dollars. For a site who's content is 45% poorly lit home movies and 50% music videos made entirely from anime/Final Fantasy clips.

Meanwhile
Tani just hit 100,000 visitors to her blog this week. While no one is handing her a billion dollars, she makes enough money off of it to keep her in booze. And if you know Tani, you know that's a good amount of money.

So this week, while walking with my girlfriend, I crafted my American dream. She and I are going to team up to create a one-two punch of blogs. Star Worz and... I don't know, something with a catchy title. Her website will be chock full of pictures and homemade videos while Star Worz will continue to bring you the hard hitting journalistic activism (or journavism) that you've come to know and love. Once the cash starts rolling in we're going to travel. Oregon for a while, Vermont for a bit more. Six month rents that are easy to grab due to spotless credit reports. Wire fraud doesn't follow you from state to state does it? (Note to self: Watch episode of Matlock about wire fraud) During our travels we'll set up a third blog, a Travel Blog, full of pictures and amusing anecdotes about our travels.

After a couple of years we'll return home. We'll turn the travel blog into a book and sell it for, I don't know, is $15.99 USA $18.99 Canadian a price? If it is, that's what we'll sell the book for. See that? We're going to make money off a book based on a blog that we were making money off of in the first place. That's what economists call "dual profitability" and Sir Mix-a-lot calls "Unh! Double up, Unhhh! Unhhh!"

With the money rolling in and our economic future secured she's finally going to be able to follow her passion of washing dogs full time. In her spare time she'll paint and make little movies out of clay. I'll continue to write plays that are "New, original, local, adventuresome, thought-out, fun" and in my spare time help build scenery for theatres. We'll celebrate the anniversary of our first year of financial independence by backpacking through Europe, which we'll again chronicle in a new Travel Blog. And a video documentary. Which will become a DVD. And a book deal. And a DVD-two-book Holiday package at all Barnes and Noble/Borders retailers.

That is my new American dream. I would have been skeptical about it all happening, but this week I received a package from
Jenifer as part of a deal we had regarding my blog. I figure, if I can use this space to get myself free dinosaur models, then there's no limit to what I can achieve.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to assemble a Stegosaurus. Did you know they were bigger than a limo? Cause they were.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 10-11-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "band" as in "Why is Chancellor Wiley trying to destroy the UW Marching Band?"

Chancellor Wiley has put the University of Wisconsin Marching Band under, in the band's words, "double secret probation" after recent complaints following the band's trip to Michigan with the football team earlier this fall. While neither Wiley nor his special assistant Casey Nagy would comment on what exactly the complaints were in regard to, the band has been informed they will be attending a workshop on behavioral standards. They have also been warned that if there are more violations, individuals, entire sections and even the band itself may be removed. Can you imagine a marching band without trumpets? Can you imagine a college football game without a marching band?

What are these violations? From what I've heard some of it stems from complaints by Michigan alumni who were seated behind the band at the football game. They felt the band did not conduct themselves in the manner that a college band should. To that I say B-o-o. H-o-o. I guess the University of Wisconsin won't be getting any donations this year from the University of Michigan alumni. They're a band! They're supposed to be rowdy, they're supposed to be fired up, and since they're the opposing team's band, no you're not supposed to like them.

Other complaints include allegations that neither hotels nor bus companies are willing to host or transport the band members due to their continual rowdy behavior. That, according to members of the band, is strictly not true. And any hotel that isn't willing to take in a couple of rowdy college guests on a football weekend should really get out of the hotel business.

This is all garbage if you ask me, and since you're here on my page and you're reading this blog, you obviously are asking me. The band is not a bad thing, the band is not a bad ambassador for the college, the band is a great institution that should be cherished and celebrated.

I was in the band my freshman year of college. I was not in the marching band, though I was required to try out for it in order to become part of the Varsity Band. However, most of the people in that band were then part of the Varsity Band, so I can speak from experience. These kids work hard. They work extremely hard. Try outs were three days of straight marching in the summer sun for about 6 hours a day, carrying around your instrument and playing music at the same time. And Wisconsin marching is not a simple shuffle step or walking. It's a toe-out knee-lift march that leaves your entire leg sore the next morning. Once you make tryouts you spend the rest of the fall semester practicing every day for that Saturday's game. Kiss your weekends good-bye until after the Bowl Season because when you're not playing a home game you're traveling to road college games, or up to Green Bay to play for the Packers game. Come the winter you don't get back any more free time just because football is done. Every weekend is college basketball, or hockey, or women's basketball, or women's hockey or volleyball, or traveling for shows. I remember ever Monday getting on a bus at 3 p.m. and not arriving back at campus until midnight. That's not counting the three hour rehearsal every Wednesday.

What do they do all this for? There's no scholarships, and there's no wealthy alumni kicking back to the woodwind section. They do it for one credit a semester. And in exchange they get a uniform that's too warm, a sweater that they have to provide their own black pants and white shirt for, and a silver plated instrument they have to return at the end of the year.

But band members are proud to be in the band. They are proud of it. I knew kids in my class that had come to Wisconsin specifically to be a part of the band. People who had learned new instruments so they would have a better shot of making it through try outs. I was in the band for one semester and it is one of the things I am most proud of during my college career.

These are good kids. They do volunteer work, they tutor, they form Bible study groups, they hang out together. Do they drink as Chancellor Wiley claims? Yes. I can vouch for that. They drink a lot. Quick, someone call the police, someone in college was drinking. Do they swear? A swear word might slip out now and again, they're human. Has Chancellor Wiley ever watched a football coach's mouth all game? Has he ever come to a game at Madison? This is a school where the student section yells "F*** You!" "Eat ****" back and forth at each other as Affectionate Terms. To be outraged that college students drink when they're not in uniform or accidentally let a swear word slip out is to subscribe to a Puritanical mindset that, quite frankly, is unrealistic in this day and age.

Lastly there's the allegation of hazing. I don't know anything about that, and I'm not saying that because my Trombone Brethren have sworn me to secrecy. I'm saying that because I never saw any hazing. My "initiation" into the band? I had to clean the buses after trips and I had to spend a night serving beer to people at a party. That was It. No nude dashes across the stadium, no Power Hours, not even any light cross dressing. I'm not saying there isn't any hazing, we all know how stupid the Tuba section is, but I am saying that I never saw any.

I think Chancellor Wiley is doing a bad thing in a big way. I think I'm not the only one who's going to be outraged if the band, or sections of the band, are removed from the college atmosphere. The Wisconsin Marching Band is the "Best Band In The Land" and they have earned that title through hard work and dedication. They are fine representatives of both the school and the state. I was proud to be part of the band, I am proud of the band today, and I hope to be able to say I am proud of the band in the future.

ON WISCONSIN.

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Monday, October 09, 2006

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

Stop.

Just stop.

This has gone on for far too long. You used "Fortunate Son" to sell clothing, editing it, nay neutering it, so the song went from angry protest to pro-American jingoism. Why? So you could move some more over priced shirts.

Then you pulled "Just What I Needed" out of your sleeve to shill for Circuit City. My hat was actually off to you that time. Good job of digging that old chestnut out, polishing it back up and putting it once again in the public eye. Who cares if it's potential about a controlling, even borderline abusive relationship, its made the ink cartridges fly off the shelves.

But this weekend I was at Kohl's getting my watch battery changed, and as I waited in line I suddenly heard a familar tune. It was Big Country's "In A Big Country." ...but it wasn't Big Country singing it. In fact, I'm not even sure it was a man singing it. No, wait, take that back, I AM sure it was a man, but he was one of those quasi-British Coldplay/Snow Patrol men. And he was raping my ears with his "song".

"In a Big Country" is one of the greatest pop tunes of the 80's. I'd go as far as to say The Greatest. It's certainly my favorite. It also features one of the best
videos of all time. What just happened there? I have no idea. Why are they rapelling down a cliff? Beats the heck out of me. That's what makes it so great.

Do you know why Stuart Adamson committed suicide in 2001? It was because he saw the future and the future was his legacy being emasculated by a man named Jimmy F. Gnecco and his band Ours. What the heck is that??? That's not even a band name! It's pronoun for crying out loud!

Stop using old songs to sell your products. There's 9 million ad agencies out there, have one of them compose a jingle for you. I know a guy, he'd probably do it if you just asked him to. Stop murdering my childhood, I don't even like your product in the first place.

Friday, October 06, 2006

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Hello there!
Some of you may be stumbling upon this blog for the first time. Maybe you're here because Jenifer of
"Quarter Life Crisis" pointed you this way. Or because you were reading Tani's "funny because it's true" collection of bad personals responses at "I'll Get You My Pretty...". Maybe you even linked over here from my other on-line venture www.tubapants.com... which would be a neat trick since I don't think I've put up a link there. (Note to self: Put up a link at www.tubapants.com)

Well I'm glad to have you here, both first timers and long time fans of Star Worz and it's two fisted style of internet journalism. Or "interalism" as I read this week in Time magazine. Or maybe it was Highlights. I don't remember, I was in the dentist office. Feel free to look around, enjoy your time here *cough*clickonthead*cough* and hey, here's an handy quiz you can take!

1) You are a 46 year old man living in Florida. You meet a nice woman around your age. You two hit it off pretty quickly. There's only one small snag, she has a drinking problem.
a) Break it off with her immediately. This can only lead to trouble.
b) Agree to go out again, on the condition that she begin some sort of alcohol treatment program.
c) Ahhhh, so she drinks a bit. Who doesn't? Life's too short to nitpick. C'mon back to my place, baby.

2) Time has passed, the two of you are now living together in an apartment with five cats. Things are great, except she still hasn't stopped drinking. In fact, she's probably drinking right now.
a) Pack your bags and hit the door chief, some people just can't change.
b) Surprise her with an intervention. She'll be mad at first, but you're only doing it because you care.
c) Only thing I like better than picking my nose is picking a fight. I'll scream some sense into her

3) Master debater that you are, the argument is still escalating. You've both said some things about each other that you probably shouldn't have. Something needs to be done and quick.
a) Storm out, hop in my car and just drive until I cool off.
b) Storm out, hop in my car and sit in a bar drinking until she calls begging me to come home
c) I'd never hit a woman. But I will choke one.

4) Well, she's certainly kicked her alcohol habit now. As well as that nasty oxygen addiction she had all her life. You better do something quick genius.
a) Call 911 for an ambulance. They may still be able to revive her.
b) Call 911 for the police. I may be able to make it look like she attacked me.
c) Change her clothes and put her to bed.

5) The old "Strangled Herself To Death In Her Sleep" excuse? That's never going to fly.
a) You're right. What have I done? Call the police and confess now.
b) You're right. What have I done? I should leave town as quick as I can.
c) You're right. What have I done? I better put this plant next to her. NOW it looks natural.

6) All this arguing and murder and plant moving has made you awfully tired. You can barely keep your eyes open. What now?
a) How can I sleep? I can still hear her heart pounding, like it was coming from beneath the floor boards!
b) I better get out of here. Get a couple of hours on the highway before I crash at a hotel.
c) I paid for the bed too, I'm sleeping here! At least she won't hog the covers.

7) Good morning! What's on your agenda for today?
a) Maybe it was all a bad dream. Nuts. Time to confess.
b) You know, that leaving town is looking better all the time.
c) Gather up the kittens.

8) Wh-wh-what you gonna do with those kittens?
a) The ex had an appointment scheduled for them today. I should probably keep it.
b) I can't raise kittens, look how I treat people. I'm putting them up for adoption.
c) Euthanize them so that they can be with my girlfriend in heaven.

9) *blink* *blink* You're a real piece of work, psycho.
a) Yeah, I know.
b) Yeah, I know.
c) YEAH, I Knoooooow.

Scoring: 1 point for A, 2 points for B, 3 points for C.

Scores:
1-10: Hey, we all make mistakes. You tried your best. You're leaving this situation a little wiser, a little more mature.
11-18: Okay, you screwed up, you know this. But you're not doing anything to make it better. If this were a movie at the end you'd come to terms with your guilt, which would be good. But then you'd probably fall to your death and/or get hit by a train. Which would be bad.
19-23: Is Bad Decision your middle name? Cause it should have been. Of course, now it's going to be "Correctional Facility Inmate #24601".
24-27: You are a wonderful person. None of this is your fault. You were just trying to live your life the best you could, but things never seem to go your way do they? Buck up lil' buckaroo, tomorrow is a new day. (What? Like I was going to tell a kitten murdering nutball anything bad? Get out of here)

Thursday, October 05, 2006

J.K. ROWLING ADMITS TO WITCHCRAFT AGENDA

-ENGLAND
In an announcement that surprised millions of readers, J.K. Rowling, author of the hugely successful "Harry Potter" book series, has finally admitted that she is, as long suspected, a witch.

"I have grown tired of living a lie amongst good, normal human beings," a visibly upset Rowling read from a prepared statement on Monday. "Yes, I am a witch. Yes, I was spawned from the blackness as the result of congress between my mother and Satan himself. Yes, I have been trying to seduce the young into a life of godlessness. And yes, my books have been getting a little long."

The Harry Potter series, beginning with "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" (renamed "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" in the United States), chronicles the adventures of Harry Potter, a boy wizard, his life at Hogwarts academy and his adventures against the forces of evil. The books are beloved by both children and adults, with each of the titles in the series more highly anticipated than the last.

However, there has been equally vocal opposition to the series, which is believed by its detractors to promote witchcraft, evilness and all around skullduggery. Rowling's recent revelation has come as no surprise to this group.

"These books are witch propaganda," says Chet Walker, leader of Alabama's Anti-Witch Association. "I don't know where Harry Potter gets his magic from, but it's not from his Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ, I'll tell you that."

"I made the mistake of letting my son read the first book when it first came out," confesses Mary Anderson, home school teacher. "The next day he was running around outside and fighting dragons. I didn't see any dragons outside at all. Clearly the sorcery [Rowling] used to spin her fiendish tales had caused my Jeffery to hallucinate. I put a stop to it right then and there."

"We have long known that Rowling was a tool of the devil," adds Reverend John Booth, minister at Church of the Nazarene in Ottowa, Illinois. "Her stories stink of commandment breaking, godlessness and a reliance on supernatural forces. Plus, that Hermione with her know-it-all-ness and can-do attitude gives off a real lesbian vibe. Not since Origin of The Species have I seen such an affront to God!"

Neither Walker, Booth or Anderson admit to having read any of the books stating they "don't read much." None the less, they can now all rest easy knowing a threat to their children has finally been stopped.

"I was doing so well too," said Rowling at the end of her statement. "I was slowly brainwashing an entire generation into believing in the magic inside themselves and friendship and good triumphing over evil. Curse you meddling adults for seeing through my cunning plan of popular youth fantasy/fiction!"

Rowling then exited the press conference in a billowing cloud of smoke only to appear outside, cackling and riding into the sky on a broom.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 10-4-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "bone" as in "I'm just trying to help you, so throw me a bone."

Me: Hey, what's up?
Coworker: Do you have a dollar I can borrow?
Sure, I think. Let me look.
Actually, do you have change for a twenty?
Uh, yeah. Let me check... yup, here you go.
What's this?
Change for a twenty. A ten and two fives.
Do you have five singles for one of these fives?
No. I have a ten and two fives. And a dollar.
Okay.
Okay.
...
Okay.
I'm going to need the dollar too.
Too?
I need the change for the vending machine. I can't use a five. If you had five singles I could use one of those. But you just have fives. So I need the dollar too.
Why don't I give you dollar and you give me my other bills back.
Okay.
--Two Minutes Later--
Hey
Hey.
Do you have change for your dollar?
Change for my dollar?
Yeah.
Like change change?
Yeah. The machine's not taking your dollar.
Let me... yeah. I've got- here you go.
Ooooh, one of the new state quarters. Which state is it?
I don't know. Check the back.
Eh. New Hampshire. I already have this one.
So?
Do you have any other ones? Like a California or a Washington?
No.
Can you check?
Dude. It's for the vending machine. The vending machine doesn't care.
I was thinking if I didn't spend all the change I could keep the new quarter.
Well, that's a fine plan. But I don't have any new new quarters. I just have those quarters. And that dollar bill. Do you want them or not?
Yeah, I guess.
--Ten Minutes Later--
Hey. You must be hungry.
Not really.
Well first you go to the vending machine and now you're eating a donut.
I didn't get anything from the vending machine.
What?
Yeah, I didn't like anything in there. So I just grabbed a donut from one of the stations.
Ohhhhkay. Can I have my change back then?
Why?
Because you don't need it.
What if I get hungry later?
What if?
Well I'm going to need change for the vending machine.
But... you didn't Like anything in the vending machine.
Yeah. NOW.
But later you might.
Yeah. If I get hungry.
If you get hungry. ... okay.
Cool.
Right.

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

FLY ON THE WALL

I just saw a commercial for Norbit, the new Eddie Murphy comedy, and I'm wondering how the pitch meeting for that went.

"Okay, so here's the deal for this new movie, Norbit. Two words. Eddie. Murphy. But this time, he's a NERD. How about that for a twist, huh? I mean, we've seen Eddie Murphy as a street wise hustler, a prince, a fat scientist, the list goes on and on. But this time he's a nerd. Remember how popular that Napoleon Dynamite movie was? That was about a nerd, right? There we go, it's like a license to print money. Oh, and get this, remember how funny it was when Eddie Murphy played all those characters in The Klumps? He was fat and skinny and his mom and his dad and granny and the whole group? That was brilliant comedy! Especially when they sat around the table farting. I tear up just thinking about it. Well we're bringing that magic back. ... No, not JUST the farting. Eddie's going to be playing the title character, Norbit, he's this skinny nerd. He's also going to be playing his adoptive father, who's Chinese. I know, I can't wait to Eddie's Asian impression myself. But wait, there's even more. Move to the edge of your seat. He'll also be playing... Norbit's domineering girlfriend. That's three actors for one paycheck! Plus, here's the genius part... are you ready? Cause it's going to blow your socks off. Norbit's girlfriend? Obese. Ridiculously Obese. More rolls than a bakery Obese. 'Hey Kooooool-Aiiiid' Obese. We've got this whole water park bit planned, she's going to have her stomach covering her bottoms, so she has to lift her entire gut to show it. That's hilarious! Who doesn't find fat people funny? Did you ever see Wagons East, or Almost Heroes? What about that great show on CBS, Still Standing? Man, every time I see a fat person I start chuckling just thinking about that little wand thing they probably need to wash their bodies in the shower. Also, I know what you're thinking, and yes, we're already three steps ahead of you. Of COURSE there's going to be a scene where she goes down a waterslide and punches a hole through the fence. We all know fat people can't function as well in regular people in normal society. But we're going to 'up the ante' as they say. She's going to go flying through the air... and then land on a little girl playing in the kiddie pool. I know, genius, right?

But don't get out your checkbooks yet. See, the skinny nerd is going to fall in love with a beautiful woman. See, she sees past his nerdiness, lack of social skills and complete inability to stand up for himself, and loves him for what's inside. What's inside? Crap if I know. That's not the point, the point is this. If you're a loser with nothing to offer, hot women will still want you because everyone loves a fixer-upper in their mid 30's.

Did I mention Eddie Murphy's woman character is sex crazed? AND she sings that 'Don'tcha' song by the Pussy Cat Dolls while driving? Cause she does.

We start shooting in two weeks. ...what's that? Oh sure, you can just pay me in bags full of cash."