FLY ON THE WALL

I just saw a commercial for Norbit, the new Eddie Murphy comedy, and I'm wondering how the pitch meeting for that went.

"Okay, so here's the deal for this new movie, Norbit. Two words. Eddie. Murphy. But this time, he's a NERD. How about that for a twist, huh? I mean, we've seen Eddie Murphy as a street wise hustler, a prince, a fat scientist, the list goes on and on. But this time he's a nerd. Remember how popular that Napoleon Dynamite movie was? That was about a nerd, right? There we go, it's like a license to print money. Oh, and get this, remember how funny it was when Eddie Murphy played all those characters in The Klumps? He was fat and skinny and his mom and his dad and granny and the whole group? That was brilliant comedy! Especially when they sat around the table farting. I tear up just thinking about it. Well we're bringing that magic back. ... No, not JUST the farting. Eddie's going to be playing the title character, Norbit, he's this skinny nerd. He's also going to be playing his adoptive father, who's Chinese. I know, I can't wait to Eddie's Asian impression myself. But wait, there's even more. Move to the edge of your seat. He'll also be playing... Norbit's domineering girlfriend. That's three actors for one paycheck! Plus, here's the genius part... are you ready? Cause it's going to blow your socks off. Norbit's girlfriend? Obese. Ridiculously Obese. More rolls than a bakery Obese. 'Hey Kooooool-Aiiiid' Obese. We've got this whole water park bit planned, she's going to have her stomach covering her bottoms, so she has to lift her entire gut to show it. That's hilarious! Who doesn't find fat people funny? Did you ever see Wagons East, or Almost Heroes? What about that great show on CBS, Still Standing? Man, every time I see a fat person I start chuckling just thinking about that little wand thing they probably need to wash their bodies in the shower. Also, I know what you're thinking, and yes, we're already three steps ahead of you. Of COURSE there's going to be a scene where she goes down a waterslide and punches a hole through the fence. We all know fat people can't function as well in regular people in normal society. But we're going to 'up the ante' as they say. She's going to go flying through the air... and then land on a little girl playing in the kiddie pool. I know, genius, right?

But don't get out your checkbooks yet. See, the skinny nerd is going to fall in love with a beautiful woman. See, she sees past his nerdiness, lack of social skills and complete inability to stand up for himself, and loves him for what's inside. What's inside? Crap if I know. That's not the point, the point is this. If you're a loser with nothing to offer, hot women will still want you because everyone loves a fixer-upper in their mid 30's.

Did I mention Eddie Murphy's woman character is sex crazed? AND she sings that 'Don'tcha' song by the Pussy Cat Dolls while driving? Cause she does.

We start shooting in two weeks. ...what's that? Oh sure, you can just pay me in bags full of cash."