WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-6-06
Today's Wednesday word is "want" as in "You've got your pictures of Suri, what more do you people want?"
Honestly, do you need a grainy, night vision, Paris Hilton-esque video of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes procreating to believe the baby is their daughter? First it was "they're having the baby in secret so that Tom can give it to his brain washing overlords who, in return, will make him delicious placenta smoothies." Then it became "Oh, they're hiding her because she has a giant birthmark on her face" or "she's possessed by the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard" or "the baby is Black!" So finally, after all the complaining and demanding made by a bunch of people who have no right to do either, Tom and Katie trot the baby out.
Crisis averted.
Wait, what? Crisis not averted? How can the mother loving crisis NOT BE AVERTED!?! You wanted to see the baby! You've seen the baby! Move Along!
Now the real nutjobs have come out of the closet. One of my favorites is that Suri is actually Chris Klein's child, the reason it's been in hiding is because Katie gave birth 4 months earlier than announced and the baby is actually 7 months, instead of 3. But really, why stop there? When you've already jumped off the Reality Cliff, there's a lot of wiggle room to play with. Howabout then Tom Cruise, rampaging homosexual that he is, sniffed out Katie's pregnancy through his shadowy connections in the World Bank, then hypnotized her into becoming his "love slave" so that he could claim the baby was his so the world wouldn't think that he was into dudes. By the by, if after hooking up with Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz AND Katie Holmes people still think you're gay they're always going to think you're gay. Chris Klein's silence, meanwhile, was bought by the Grand Wizard of the KKK for a pound of marshmallow Peeps and a promised roll as an extra in "Mission Impossible: IV".
Oh, and Tom Cruise is the man responsible both for faking the Pentagon crash and for the Spanish train bombing.
People had convinced themselves so much that there HAD, there just HAD to be something wrong with this baby, some monstrous deformity that had kept Cruise and Holmes from letting the press stick their hot little flash bulbs in the kid's face, that when "SURPRISE! IT'S A BABY!" Their minds all spun off into looney land with new conspiracy theories. The couple had a baby, they didn't want to show it off right away, now they do. End of boring, not-actually-a-news-story news story.
Seriously people, get a life. And while you're out, why don't take the money you're currently dropping on tabloid rags and send it to The Red Cross or Operation Uplink?
Or come see my play, you'll love it. Conspiracy theories galore in the third act.
Honestly, do you need a grainy, night vision, Paris Hilton-esque video of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes procreating to believe the baby is their daughter? First it was "they're having the baby in secret so that Tom can give it to his brain washing overlords who, in return, will make him delicious placenta smoothies." Then it became "Oh, they're hiding her because she has a giant birthmark on her face" or "she's possessed by the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard" or "the baby is Black!" So finally, after all the complaining and demanding made by a bunch of people who have no right to do either, Tom and Katie trot the baby out.
Crisis averted.
Wait, what? Crisis not averted? How can the mother loving crisis NOT BE AVERTED!?! You wanted to see the baby! You've seen the baby! Move Along!
Now the real nutjobs have come out of the closet. One of my favorites is that Suri is actually Chris Klein's child, the reason it's been in hiding is because Katie gave birth 4 months earlier than announced and the baby is actually 7 months, instead of 3. But really, why stop there? When you've already jumped off the Reality Cliff, there's a lot of wiggle room to play with. Howabout then Tom Cruise, rampaging homosexual that he is, sniffed out Katie's pregnancy through his shadowy connections in the World Bank, then hypnotized her into becoming his "love slave" so that he could claim the baby was his so the world wouldn't think that he was into dudes. By the by, if after hooking up with Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz AND Katie Holmes people still think you're gay they're always going to think you're gay. Chris Klein's silence, meanwhile, was bought by the Grand Wizard of the KKK for a pound of marshmallow Peeps and a promised roll as an extra in "Mission Impossible: IV".
Oh, and Tom Cruise is the man responsible both for faking the Pentagon crash and for the Spanish train bombing.
People had convinced themselves so much that there HAD, there just HAD to be something wrong with this baby, some monstrous deformity that had kept Cruise and Holmes from letting the press stick their hot little flash bulbs in the kid's face, that when "SURPRISE! IT'S A BABY!" Their minds all spun off into looney land with new conspiracy theories. The couple had a baby, they didn't want to show it off right away, now they do. End of boring, not-actually-a-news-story news story.
Seriously people, get a life. And while you're out, why don't take the money you're currently dropping on tabloid rags and send it to The Red Cross or Operation Uplink?
Or come see my play, you'll love it. Conspiracy theories galore in the third act.
Labels: Worzala's Wednesday Word
posted by Matt Worzala at
3:41 PM
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