A BETTER BODY THROUGH SCIENCE
One of my coworkers is "on" another "diet" "Starting today." That's a lot of quotes in a row, I understand.
"On" is in quotes because this diet, like every other one he's been on in the four years I've known him, will probably last three weeks at most. Just long enough for him to say "Oh, I'm on the [fill the blank] diet" to everyone that he sees. This will be quickly followed by, "So I shouldn't be eating this because I'm on the [fill the blank] diet. But since it's already here, I may as well have one or two." Sometimes I think he eats more when "on" a diet than he does when he's not.
"Diet" is in quotes because it's a reasonable diet the way "pogo stick" is reasonable interstate transportation. Sure, you'll get where you're going, but it's going to take you a lot more effort than is needed. The current mad science mishmash is the "cucumber and tomato" diet. ...that's it. That's all he's allegedly going to eat. Cucumbers and Tomatoes. Surely that will give him all the protein and carbohydrates his body needs to function. Surely. And surely this diet will be more successful than: The Modified South Beach Diet, The All Cold Food Diet, The Onion A Day Diet, The Only Cooked In Light Oil Diet, The Pasta Diet, The Remodifided South Beach Diet, The Oranges Diet, The Atkins With Bread Diet, and The Cheese, Sausage, Lettuce, Crackers, White Meat and Eggplant Diet.
"Starting today" is because he's starting today. Duh.
Meanwhile for breakfast today I had a bag of Ritz Cheese and Crackers and an Oatmeal cookie. What could I do? The Delicious Food You Like To Eat Diet is very strict about breakfast.
"On" is in quotes because this diet, like every other one he's been on in the four years I've known him, will probably last three weeks at most. Just long enough for him to say "Oh, I'm on the [fill the blank] diet" to everyone that he sees. This will be quickly followed by, "So I shouldn't be eating this because I'm on the [fill the blank] diet. But since it's already here, I may as well have one or two." Sometimes I think he eats more when "on" a diet than he does when he's not.
"Diet" is in quotes because it's a reasonable diet the way "pogo stick" is reasonable interstate transportation. Sure, you'll get where you're going, but it's going to take you a lot more effort than is needed. The current mad science mishmash is the "cucumber and tomato" diet. ...that's it. That's all he's allegedly going to eat. Cucumbers and Tomatoes. Surely that will give him all the protein and carbohydrates his body needs to function. Surely. And surely this diet will be more successful than: The Modified South Beach Diet, The All Cold Food Diet, The Onion A Day Diet, The Only Cooked In Light Oil Diet, The Pasta Diet, The Remodifided South Beach Diet, The Oranges Diet, The Atkins With Bread Diet, and The Cheese, Sausage, Lettuce, Crackers, White Meat and Eggplant Diet.
"Starting today" is because he's starting today. Duh.
Meanwhile for breakfast today I had a bag of Ritz Cheese and Crackers and an Oatmeal cookie. What could I do? The Delicious Food You Like To Eat Diet is very strict about breakfast.
posted by Matt Worzala at
9:02 AM
2 Comments:
Funny! I guess my diet yesterday would fall under the "Don't Let Your Head Explode" category, what with all those licorice and gummy bears I consumed.
By
Jen, at 3:12 PM
I am on the beer and pizza and cigarettes diet. But don't worry, I toss in a Special K bar for breakfast because they are low calorie and because I feel breakfast should never be cooked... but unwrapped. Nobody should operate cookery or milk jugs that early in the a.m.
This piece was particularly well-written, and the one above it was FANTASTIC style. Props!
-T
By
elleuqinat, at 12:23 PM
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