WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-27-06
Today's Wednesday Word is "don't" as in "If Uwe Boll challenges you to fight him in a boxing match because you have been making fun of his movies for the past couple of years, DON'T."
Uwe Boll, for those of you who don't know, is a terrible movie director. Let me clarify that last statement because someone is bound to ask me, "Matt, does that mean he directs terrible movies, or that he's a terrible director." My answer? Yes.
You see, he doesn't make just any movies, he makes Video Game based movies. Now, we're all aware of the gripping plot lines video games have. I'll never forget the tears that welled in my eyes the first time Mr. and Mrs. Pac-man met and began their fated love affair. For reasons known only to Mr. Boll, he seems to think these games warrant the big screen treatment and he is JUST the man to do it.
His movies are not good. IMDB give 2003's House of the Dead 2 out of 10 stars, and it's #12 on their bottom 100 list. 2005's Alone in the Dark received a 2.2 out of 10 and is #27 on the list. His latest masterpiece, BloodRayne, based on a video game about fighting Nazi's as a female vampire in a corset, tops the list at 2.5 stars and #47 on the list. You could, in theory, say that he's improving with each film. You could, in theory, say it would be in this country's best interest if we ground up the poor and used them as foodstuffs. Both are credible ideas, in theory.
Not only are his movies not good, they're not even popular. House of the Dead barely turned a profit while Alone in the Dark lost almost $12 million. BloodRayne once again topped them both losing close to $21.5 million dollars. To give you a gauge, Waterworld which everyone rips on a huge bomb of a movie, made $90 million. Uwe Boll's last three movies have lost a combined $31.4 million.
Needless to say, the man is mocked rather ruthlessly on this, the internet. So a few months back Mr. Boll did the only thing a grown man CAN do when faced with derision and scorn from all sides. He challenged his critics to a boxing match.
"Come and fight me," said Mr. Boll.
"Okay," said four poor saps.
Oh, did I mention that Mr. Boll is a former boxer with over ten years of experience? And that none of his challengers were? That's a little important as well. Needless to say, Mr. Boll cleaned the ring with the four men.
So, to recap. The man makes terrible movies based on shoddy video games. The terrible movies he makes lose the studios their money. He resolves conflicts, not by improving his craft, but instead by fighting vastly underqualified critics, one of which was a 17 year old boy named NELSON, and he still has four different movies in the works and has probably made millions of dollars directing.
Someone get The Hauge on the phone. I think I've we've got another war crimes trial to line up when we finally get done with Saddam Hussein.
Uwe Boll, for those of you who don't know, is a terrible movie director. Let me clarify that last statement because someone is bound to ask me, "Matt, does that mean he directs terrible movies, or that he's a terrible director." My answer? Yes.
You see, he doesn't make just any movies, he makes Video Game based movies. Now, we're all aware of the gripping plot lines video games have. I'll never forget the tears that welled in my eyes the first time Mr. and Mrs. Pac-man met and began their fated love affair. For reasons known only to Mr. Boll, he seems to think these games warrant the big screen treatment and he is JUST the man to do it.
His movies are not good. IMDB give 2003's House of the Dead 2 out of 10 stars, and it's #12 on their bottom 100 list. 2005's Alone in the Dark received a 2.2 out of 10 and is #27 on the list. His latest masterpiece, BloodRayne, based on a video game about fighting Nazi's as a female vampire in a corset, tops the list at 2.5 stars and #47 on the list. You could, in theory, say that he's improving with each film. You could, in theory, say it would be in this country's best interest if we ground up the poor and used them as foodstuffs. Both are credible ideas, in theory.
Not only are his movies not good, they're not even popular. House of the Dead barely turned a profit while Alone in the Dark lost almost $12 million. BloodRayne once again topped them both losing close to $21.5 million dollars. To give you a gauge, Waterworld which everyone rips on a huge bomb of a movie, made $90 million. Uwe Boll's last three movies have lost a combined $31.4 million.
Needless to say, the man is mocked rather ruthlessly on this, the internet. So a few months back Mr. Boll did the only thing a grown man CAN do when faced with derision and scorn from all sides. He challenged his critics to a boxing match.
"Come and fight me," said Mr. Boll.
"Okay," said four poor saps.
Oh, did I mention that Mr. Boll is a former boxer with over ten years of experience? And that none of his challengers were? That's a little important as well. Needless to say, Mr. Boll cleaned the ring with the four men.
So, to recap. The man makes terrible movies based on shoddy video games. The terrible movies he makes lose the studios their money. He resolves conflicts, not by improving his craft, but instead by fighting vastly underqualified critics, one of which was a 17 year old boy named NELSON, and he still has four different movies in the works and has probably made millions of dollars directing.
Someone get The Hauge on the phone. I think I've we've got another war crimes trial to line up when we finally get done with Saddam Hussein.
Labels: Worzala's Wednesday Word
posted by Matt Worzala at
3:03 PM
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