WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?: A QUIZ
1) You are a nun in Italy. You work for a 70 year old priest as his cleaning lady. For 70's he's pretty handsome and you can tell he likes you. What do you do?
a) Pass. I'm married to Jesus.
b) There's no commandment against flirting. Maybe a kiss here and there would do us both a world of good.
c) God can't watch everyone all the time right? What's a little sex between people sworn to celibacy?
2) You and the priest have decided to succumb to your flames of passion. But wait, if you're going to be having sex, don't you think you should use protection?
a) Wait, you're right. This is wrong. Let's not have sex at all.
b) Condoms huh? Well, it's better than getting Chlamydia. I hear that burns like the dickens.
c) Uh, condoms are frowned upon by the Catholic church. Duh.
3) Whu-oh. Guess who's got a load of unleavened bread dropped in the old manger. What do you do now?
a) Give birth, raise the child as a reminder of my fall to temptation.
b) Give birth, give the child to an orphanage, admit nothing.
c) Yeah, I'm not really good with kids. Who's up for an abortion?
4) You decided to abort your "little mistake". What do you do now?
a) Confess, repent, see about being moved to a new convent.
b) Leave the convent. Serve people in a new, secular way.
c) Console yourself with some hot priest-on-nun sex.
5) But you're going to use protection this time, right?
a) Duh. I'm not having sex ever again.
b) Duh. Of course.
c) Duh. What part of "frowned on by the Catholic Church" are you not understanding?
6) You are a 70 year old priest. You have been carrying on a four year love affair with a nun. She has had not one, but two abortions because of you. You know, you should really do something about of this.
a) Goodbye Lover. Hello renewed life of celibacy and Repentance.
b) Goodbye Priesthood. Hello new life of sex, drugs and rock n' roll.
c) Hello Lover. Hello Additional Affair with Married Woman.
7) You are that nun again. You come home after a long day of... nun stuff... to find your lover in bed with another woman. What do you do?
a) OBVIOUSLY this is the sign I've been waiting for that I should turn away from my life of sin. I repent immediately.
b) I throw a fit. How dare he do this to me? And with a married woman no less? Has he no shame?
c) I start gathering matches and candles.
8) Wh-what are you going to do with all those matches and candles?
a) Prayer
b) Self-Immolation
c) Arson
9) That house certainly started burning fast. Hey, what's with the machete?
a) This? I use it for cutting fruit.
b) It's for starting my life over again as a warrior nun.
c) First I'm going to chop off his- sonofa, it's the cops. Look, you never saw me here, okay?
SCORE- 1 pt for every A, 2 pts for every B and 3 pts for every C answer
SCORING-
0-6: You obviously stopped taking the test before the end. Good call. I'd say you were a saint, but technically you cheated. Enjoy Limbo. But not the fun kind.
9-12: You try to do the right thing, but darn it celibacy is just so hard. At least you're not a total idiot. Welcome to the Second circle of Hell (Lust).
13-18: You can't stop screwing up. But at least you're picking the lesser of two evils. But guess what, you're still picking an evil. It's off to the Fifth circle for you (Wrath and Sullenness).
19-23: While your dedication to love and procreation is admirable, your lack of concern for the sanctity of life or your vows of celibacy has earned you a one way ticket to circle number Seven (Murder, Blasphemy). Maybe you should have paid more attention in church.
24-28: There's no possible way to SCORE a 28. So not only are you the scum of the earth, you cheat at tests too? Wow. Bad News: You're a sure shot for the absolute bottom of Hell, the Ninth circle. Good News: I'm sure Lucifer has some great stories to share. When he's not eating your flesh for all eternity, that is.
a) Pass. I'm married to Jesus.
b) There's no commandment against flirting. Maybe a kiss here and there would do us both a world of good.
c) God can't watch everyone all the time right? What's a little sex between people sworn to celibacy?
2) You and the priest have decided to succumb to your flames of passion. But wait, if you're going to be having sex, don't you think you should use protection?
a) Wait, you're right. This is wrong. Let's not have sex at all.
b) Condoms huh? Well, it's better than getting Chlamydia. I hear that burns like the dickens.
c) Uh, condoms are frowned upon by the Catholic church. Duh.
3) Whu-oh. Guess who's got a load of unleavened bread dropped in the old manger. What do you do now?
a) Give birth, raise the child as a reminder of my fall to temptation.
b) Give birth, give the child to an orphanage, admit nothing.
c) Yeah, I'm not really good with kids. Who's up for an abortion?
4) You decided to abort your "little mistake". What do you do now?
a) Confess, repent, see about being moved to a new convent.
b) Leave the convent. Serve people in a new, secular way.
c) Console yourself with some hot priest-on-nun sex.
5) But you're going to use protection this time, right?
a) Duh. I'm not having sex ever again.
b) Duh. Of course.
c) Duh. What part of "frowned on by the Catholic Church" are you not understanding?
6) You are a 70 year old priest. You have been carrying on a four year love affair with a nun. She has had not one, but two abortions because of you. You know, you should really do something about of this.
a) Goodbye Lover. Hello renewed life of celibacy and Repentance.
b) Goodbye Priesthood. Hello new life of sex, drugs and rock n' roll.
c) Hello Lover. Hello Additional Affair with Married Woman.
7) You are that nun again. You come home after a long day of... nun stuff... to find your lover in bed with another woman. What do you do?
a) OBVIOUSLY this is the sign I've been waiting for that I should turn away from my life of sin. I repent immediately.
b) I throw a fit. How dare he do this to me? And with a married woman no less? Has he no shame?
c) I start gathering matches and candles.
8) Wh-what are you going to do with all those matches and candles?
a) Prayer
b) Self-Immolation
c) Arson
9) That house certainly started burning fast. Hey, what's with the machete?
a) This? I use it for cutting fruit.
b) It's for starting my life over again as a warrior nun.
c) First I'm going to chop off his- sonofa, it's the cops. Look, you never saw me here, okay?
SCORE- 1 pt for every A, 2 pts for every B and 3 pts for every C answer
SCORING-
0-6: You obviously stopped taking the test before the end. Good call. I'd say you were a saint, but technically you cheated. Enjoy Limbo. But not the fun kind.
9-12: You try to do the right thing, but darn it celibacy is just so hard. At least you're not a total idiot. Welcome to the Second circle of Hell (Lust).
13-18: You can't stop screwing up. But at least you're picking the lesser of two evils. But guess what, you're still picking an evil. It's off to the Fifth circle for you (Wrath and Sullenness).
19-23: While your dedication to love and procreation is admirable, your lack of concern for the sanctity of life or your vows of celibacy has earned you a one way ticket to circle number Seven (Murder, Blasphemy). Maybe you should have paid more attention in church.
24-28: There's no possible way to SCORE a 28. So not only are you the scum of the earth, you cheat at tests too? Wow. Bad News: You're a sure shot for the absolute bottom of Hell, the Ninth circle. Good News: I'm sure Lucifer has some great stories to share. When he's not eating your flesh for all eternity, that is.
posted by Matt Worzala at
2:58 PM
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