J.K. ROWLING ADMITS TO WITCHCRAFT AGENDA

-ENGLAND
In an announcement that surprised millions of readers, J.K. Rowling, author of the hugely successful "Harry Potter" book series, has finally admitted that she is, as long suspected, a witch.

"I have grown tired of living a lie amongst good, normal human beings," a visibly upset Rowling read from a prepared statement on Monday. "Yes, I am a witch. Yes, I was spawned from the blackness as the result of congress between my mother and Satan himself. Yes, I have been trying to seduce the young into a life of godlessness. And yes, my books have been getting a little long."

The Harry Potter series, beginning with "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" (renamed "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" in the United States), chronicles the adventures of Harry Potter, a boy wizard, his life at Hogwarts academy and his adventures against the forces of evil. The books are beloved by both children and adults, with each of the titles in the series more highly anticipated than the last.

However, there has been equally vocal opposition to the series, which is believed by its detractors to promote witchcraft, evilness and all around skullduggery. Rowling's recent revelation has come as no surprise to this group.

"These books are witch propaganda," says Chet Walker, leader of Alabama's Anti-Witch Association. "I don't know where Harry Potter gets his magic from, but it's not from his Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ, I'll tell you that."

"I made the mistake of letting my son read the first book when it first came out," confesses Mary Anderson, home school teacher. "The next day he was running around outside and fighting dragons. I didn't see any dragons outside at all. Clearly the sorcery [Rowling] used to spin her fiendish tales had caused my Jeffery to hallucinate. I put a stop to it right then and there."

"We have long known that Rowling was a tool of the devil," adds Reverend John Booth, minister at Church of the Nazarene in Ottowa, Illinois. "Her stories stink of commandment breaking, godlessness and a reliance on supernatural forces. Plus, that Hermione with her know-it-all-ness and can-do attitude gives off a real lesbian vibe. Not since Origin of The Species have I seen such an affront to God!"

Neither Walker, Booth or Anderson admit to having read any of the books stating they "don't read much." None the less, they can now all rest easy knowing a threat to their children has finally been stopped.

"I was doing so well too," said Rowling at the end of her statement. "I was slowly brainwashing an entire generation into believing in the magic inside themselves and friendship and good triumphing over evil. Curse you meddling adults for seeing through my cunning plan of popular youth fantasy/fiction!"

Rowling then exited the press conference in a billowing cloud of smoke only to appear outside, cackling and riding into the sky on a broom.