HUT, HUT, HIKE!

Bill Hambrecht, a man you've never probably heard of, along with Mark Cuban, a man you probably have heard of, have decided they're going to take on the NFL by forming their own football league. They currently have no actual teams, players, coaches, stadiums, equipment, mascots, sideline reporters, balls, Jumbo trons, dog fight basements, or pyrotechnics, but they do plan on having a preseason as early as summer of 2008.

Somewhere, Vince McMahon is struggling to hold back his laughter.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-30-07

Today's word is "rub" as in "What the rub-a-dub-dub, someone's stolen our tub!"

Japan, the country that brought you schoolgirl underwear vending machines and "ladies only" subway cars, has recently had a $987,000 18-karat gold tub stolen from a resort hotel.

The tub, which weighs 176 pounds, was in a chained off room on the tenth floor of the hotel. Now, I don't know what my tub costs, but I'm willing to guess it is not almost a million dollars. None the less, my tub is sealed into the wall. And again, my tub does not cost a million dollars. It probably doesn't even cost $500,000, unless you include the shower curtains. ... and the rest of the house. ... and the neighbor's house. If my tub was made of solid gold, however, you can bet I would have it nailed to the ground, and you'd need a key card and a retinal scan to even enter the bathroom. The hotel didn't have the tub riveted down nor did it even have security cameras in place. I don't know if a sign saying "Hey, just steal this already" was still coming back from the printers or not.

At the same time, I'd like to know how the thieves got the tub off the 10th floor. Did they try to squeeze it in the elevator? It's 176 pounds, did they have to use the stairs? I would have hated to be on the short end of that deal.

Thief 1: Step. Step. Step.
Thief 2: Not so fast! I'm getting crushed here!
Thief 3: Might I remind you we are STEALING this tub?
Thief 1: Step. Step. Step.
Thief 4: Hold on a sec, I gotta get a better grip.
Thief 2: Yeah, I need a break.
Thief 4: We are stealing a solid gold bathtub!! Suck it up! What floor are we on?
Thief 2: The 8th.
Thief 1: *bleep*
Thief 1: Step. Step. Step.

I just hope that bath is worth it. Do you think they already have the diamond encrusted rubber duckies?

FRIDAY SP-OETRY

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"Worry-free"
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WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-23-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "blood" as in "That's a lot of first blood right there."

Watching the preview trailer for Rambo IV: John Rambo I found myself with some thoughts.

1) Wow. John Rambo has gotten fat. Burma Papa Johns must deliver.

2) Nice hair. You're 60 years old John Rambo. I know you're living in the jungle and all, but either cut the hair or grow a mullet. Please, you look silly John Rambo, and you're spending a fortune getting those herbal shampoos you like shipped up to you.

3) If you want to prove a man is tough, you have them fish. Using a bow to get fish is the third toughest way to do it. Number two is with your bare hands. Number one is whistling them into your boat.

4) Missionaries. When are you ever going to learn that peace is for p******?

5) Burma? I'm sorry, did you mean Myanmar?

6) Seriously though, it's set in Burma? How about Dafur? Or, I don't know, Iraq? You could even go back to Afghanistan, John Rambo, and say hey to the guys and girls from Rambo III

7) There is no better way to follow up a message about Christian Love than John Rambo lopping an Asian man's head clean off.

8) Wow. Point blank range will really spatter a guy all over a jee- was that his head?? They're not getting any of that out of the jeep's upholstery.

9) This trailer is A LOT more violent than I remember the first three trailers being. A LOT.

10) 25 years ago John Rambo just wanted something to eat and to be welcomed home. Now he's ripping throats out with his bare hands. Again, because peace is for p******.

11) I will give them credit for not putting "Bodies Hit The Floor" or "Break Stuff" in the trailer.

12) Rocky Balboa, John Rambo do you think they had to name the movies after the character so Stallone would remember who he's playing? Or was First Blood part 4 John Rambo just too long for the posters?

and
13) Exploding arrows are cool, but he's certainly not building any Hurting Bombs.

DEAR FERGIE

Re: Big Girls Don't Cry

FERRRRRRRRRGGGGIIIIEEEE!!!
*shakes fist*

Well played Ms. Alicious, well played. I was able to openly and honestly despise "London Bridge" and "Fergalicious", and I was able to play off my enjoyment of "Glamorous", but this time? This time you got me.

Bravo.

And you didn't even have to spell.

Bra-vo.

OH YES THEY CALL HIM THE STREAK!

Friday I was listening to the Brewers play the Phillies. In between on of the innings a man streaked across the outfield before finally being tackled to the ground by security.

There are many times you would like to be the best at your job. Smartest, funniest, most liked person. First in line for a promotion and a raise. The cream of the crop.

But on that day? Chasing down a naked man and knowing you're going to have to wrestle him to the ground? I think I would have preferred to be the second fastest man on that security team.

Maybe even third. Just to be safe.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-16-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "karaoke" as in "This Wednesday Word is not really about karaoke."

I greatly enjoy singing Karaoke. I'm not saying I'm good at singing, I just enjoy doing it. I was out of town this weekend with my girlfriend and her family for her brother's college graduation and as we were wondering the bar lined streets looking for somewhere to spend Saturday night, my eyes caught a Karaoke teleprompter through the windows of a bar. Since everyone but the grad likes karaoke (or at least doesn't hate it) we stopped in for a drink and a song or two.

There was a gentleman, name of Jersey John, who sang half a dozen songs while we were there. He did a pretty decent "Shot In The Dark", but I hear if you screw up an Ozzie song the Prince of Darkness will rise out of the shadows and give you the "Alamo" treatment. Later in the night Jersey John sang Neil Diamond's classic "America", a song of immigration and hope for our great nation. Jersey John decided to take advantage of a pause in the song to shout into the microphone "If you don't speak English, get out!" And he said it more than once, so I'm sure that's what he said.

*ahem*

First, let me say the last person I want giving me advice about speaking English is someone from Jersey.

Second, my mother's ancestors came over on the Mayflower. My ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence. Josiah Bartlet, that's my blood. My father's ancestors, on the other hand, were kicking around Poland and Italy until the early 1900's. My great-grandmother, at the time of her death, still spoke the most bare of bones of English.

My point is this. I speak flawless English. My father speaks flawless English. My grandmother and her three sisters all spoke flawless English. They also spoke Italian, but they realized that if they wished to advanced in this country, they were going to have to learn to speak the English. People are not dumb, no matter where they are from or how they got here. People come to this country for the chance at a better life than they can have in their own country, and every parent wants better for their children than they themselves had. If you want to succeed in this country you have to learn to speak English. Not because we'll deport you if you don't, but because those are the rules of the game.

I don't know what has some people all in a bind over immigrants to a foreign country not being able to speak the language. I can think of three countries that speak English as a first language outside of ours, four if South Africa does, and I'm not sure about that. English is not an easy language to learn. Don't believe me? Look at; they're, their, there, to, two, too, bow, bow, beau, bough, cough and through just as an example.

I come from a state where entire towns taught school in German and had German only newspapers up until Ferdinand was killed and it was no longer cool to be down with The Fatherland. China Towns and Little Italys are considered quaint, but Mexican immigrants speaking Spanish is a threat to our way of life?

We'll use Spanish as the example as I head to the end. We have a large Mexican population in my town, because they come north to work in our meatpacking plants. If they can get a job putting a rail through a cow's brain and turning her into t-bones speaking only Spanish, more power to them. If they want to mop floors for a living speaking only Spanish, hey, here's your mop and bucket. But is that what you want for your kids? Ankle deep in sudsy water or cow blood? If you want to succeed in this country, if you want to move forward from where your parents started, you will have to learn English. If not you, then your children. And their children. Teach them a love for your language, teach them fluency in it, but just know that when they leave the house they're going to need to speak English if they want to succeed. There's no need for the Jersey Johns of this country to threaten "Learn our language or leave", because there's no need for the stick when the carrot is the American Dream. And the Dream comes in English.

GENERATIONS: THE SCIENTIFIC ADVENTURES OF DOC CONNERS

It was supposed to be a simple archaeological mission. $5,000 to find the Spear of Wutak and bring it to England. There the investor, a Mr. Tybaldi, would keep the Spear and Dr. Conners would get his money. The money was merely icing on the cake for the young scientist. The promise of being allowed to examine the Spear and publish his findings would be the true reward.

It was supposed to be a simple mission, and it had been up until twenty minutes ago when Kristoph Conners and his guide stumbled upon a trio of Tigermen, mythical guardians of the spear. A mad dash through the jungle had ensued as Kristoph and his guide had attempted to flee back to their boat, only to find themselves facing a sheer cliff wall. Now Dr. Conners found himself facing three very large, very angry warriors and very much wishing he had opted to stay in Kansas.

"I am quite sorry Doctor," apologized his guide, Wortherly, for the umpteenth time. "I thought for sure this was the way to the boat."

"Not your fault chum," Kristoph replied as calmly as he could. "Keep your head about you and we'll be back to camp in time for dinner."

The lie had barely left the young man's lips when two of the Tigermen pounced. Sidestepping the first, Kristoph used the second's momentum against him, lifting and slamming the warrior into the cliff wall. Dropping the stunned animal-man to the ground, Kristoph was immediately knocked off his feet by the first Tigerman. Large canines surged to grasp his neck, as Dr. Conners struggled to keep the toothy head at bay.

CRACK!

With a wounded hollow, the Tigerman fell limply off of Kristoph. Dropping the bloody stone, Worthely pulled Kristoph back to his feet.

"Well done Wortherly. Now keep your eyes on this one. He should cut tail and run but just-"

The snapping of underbrush and a low growling heralded the appearance of half a dozen more Tigermen coming to their brothers' aid. Rising to stand on their back legs, the ancient warriors loomed large over their outnumbered prey.

"- in case. ... We're going to need some more rocks."

Surrounded on all sides by certain doom, Conners wished he had had the foresight to bring Jack's Ax or even David's Sling along on this adventure. Shrugging his backpack into his hand for a crude weapon, the young doctor's mind raced to find an escape from this untimely end.

And that's when salvation came from on high.

Well, fell from on high.

"Geronimo!!!"

TO-DO LIST

From the desk of Alain Blanchette-

1) Get Drunk*
2) Buy a padlock*
3) Go to work*
4) Steal Bar Mitzvah party ice*
5) Lock ice in freezer*
6) Profit
7) Fix elevator
8) Rescue people from elevator
9) Fix elevator
10) Rescue people from elevator
11) Charge Defibrillator paddles, just in case
12) Leave party for long periods of time*
13) Restock toilet paper
14) Return to party*
15) Stop band three and one half hours early*
16) Threaten to lock up hall two hours early*
17) Keep Job

FRIDAY SP-OETRY #8

This week's Sp-oetry brought to you by VentureScripts. For all your free/cheap script needs.

"Winners circle"
Win money
Winning numbers
Win this
Win em
Walk away a winner

"If you could change one thing"
I'm just passing this on
You are missing out
The best thing to happen in years
Congratulations

"Have someone on your side"
it's sandra
Hows the wife
Hows your love life
You have choices

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-9-07

Sorry for the delay, Jacob told me to wait on the post. Today's word is "Harmon" as in "Dan Harmon of Acceptable.tv had an interview with the AV Club this week and so is probably Googling his name and I just wanted to pop up on Dan Harmon's search for Dan Harmon."

For those of you who haven't checked it out yet, Acceptable.tv is a program created by Harmon, Jack Black (yes, that Jack Black), and Rob Schrab. It's a half hour program that each week features 5 short "television pilots". The audience then gets the weekend to vote for their two favorite shorts either on the website or via text messaging (side note: is there anything you can't accomplish by text messaging these days? Fifteen years from now the priest is going to be saying "If anyone objects to this union, text 'no' to 45990"). The top two shows stick around for another episode, the other three are replaced by three completely new pilots.

Do yourself a favor and check it out because the pilots are, more often than not, very funny. The only real shame of the program at the moment is that the "Mr. Sprinkles" juggernaut allows for only one other program to be voted back each week. "Law and Order", "High Fiver", "Gayliens" and "Shady Acres" are just some of the pilots that have unfortunately been sacrificed before "Mr. Sprinkles" animated altar. I've heard mutterings on other discussion boards that perhaps next year they'd allow 3 pilots to come back each week and while I recognize I have no say in the decision, if Dan Harmon is reading this post that's only sort of about Dan Harmon, I'd like to say that that sounds like a good idea.

I don't know if Dan Harmon really does Google himself, but if he does, then I'd just like to say Hi. I've been reading your myspace blog now for probably a year. I like it a lot, though I wish you had free time to update it more. Dan Harmon is a very good writer, which is not surprising since he's paid to do it. Did you know that Dan Harmon and Rob Schrab co-wrote Monster House? Cause they did. Though if you read Dan's blog, as I have, you'll realize that he doesn't take a lot of credit for it. Apparently a lot of what you see on the screen was actually written by a third party that came along much later. Putting walls up on the frame that they gave her, if you will. So Dan doesn't like to take a lot of the credit, at least from his blog, but he'll take a lot of the criticism. That's the kind of guy he is. I'd like to tell him to buck up, but I think he's happy the way he is. And he seems to get irked when people he doesn't know tell him to "buck up".

After you lurk on someone's blog for long enough, especially if you don't know the person, it becomes harder and harder to reply to what they've written. Jen can attest to that. So Dan will probably never know that I've been following his life's adventures for some time now. Unless he reads this blog. You know, when Dan Harmon Googles Dan Harmon to see if Dan Harmon's interview about Acceptable.tv has popped up anywhere else.

So, hi Dan. And hello to anyone that's been coming here and lurking. You never have to say hello if you don't want to, that's fine by me. Just know that you're welcome to hang around as long as you like. Bring your friends if you'd like. Tell them to visit VentureScripts.

What? Like I wasn't going to plug that?

LET'S GO OUT TO THE MOVIES

I watched Clue again last night. Without a doubt the best movie ever made based on a board game. Which got me thinking, since Hollywood's already making movies based on cartoons, books, comic books, comic strips, amusement park rides, musicals, musicals based off of movies, and movies themselves, isn't it high time Hollywood made some more movies based off of board games?

Without further ado, my top five games that should be made into movies.

1) Battleship by Clint Eastwood starring Clive Owen and Kevin Costner as opposing naval generals. With Shia LaBeouf as the fresh faced Destroyer Commander.

2) Stratego by Kenneth Branagh starring Kenneth Branagh, Rober Duvall, Al Pacino, Martin Sheen, Jude Law, Jeff Daniels, Jeff Bridges and a cast of hundreds. With Shia LaBeouf as the plucky young spy.

3) Candyland from Pixar films with voices by Billy West, Kristin Chenoweth and James Earl Jones as Lord Licorace. With Shia LaBeouf as Jolly.

4) Chutes and Ladders by Wes Anderson starring Owen Wilson, Christopher Walken and Kate Winslet. With Shia LaBeouf as young Bill Murray's character.

5) Hungry, Hungry Hippos by Michael Bay featuring $600 million in CGI Hippo effects. With Shia LaBeouf as a marble.

COMING BACK FROM LUNCH

I could hear the cuffs clicking into place as a I drove away.

I don't know what the kid had done, but there he was being handcuffed by a uniformed officer in broad daylight as a group of half a dozen teenagers looked on.

I sat at the four way stop longer than I probably should have been because eventually someone honked. From where the sound came from it too far away to be directly pointed at me but I got the message, "move it along, nothing more to see here." But there was, there so was. The kid was, at best, 16 years old. I should mention, however, that I am terrible at guessing ages, but I'm going to say 16 and stick with it. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and khaki pants. He was a little chubby from the bulge his stomach made against the shirt as the cop swung his other hand behind his back.

The cop looked at the boys hands for a long time while he was talking at him. At first I thought the officer was checking the kid's hands for tar or something. Something to prove he'd been screwing around with the telephone poll he was standing next to. Maybe he'd pulled a sign off of it, I don't know. Maybe he'd been selling drugs. Maybe that was it. The cop had pulled up in an unmarked car, maybe he saw the kid dealing dope or smack or junk or x or whatever it is 16 year old white kids are dealing 40 yards from my old high school these days. Meth? We've got a meth problem in the great north, maybe it was meth.

Or maybe it was a rock. Maybe he'd chucked a rock at someone and the cop saw and decided to stop. And then the kid had mouthed off because there was a flock of high school kids just in ear shot and he couldn't look like a wuss to them. He certainly didn't plan on being handcuffed I bet. That's got to be a surprise. I was surprised I could hear the sound of the cuffs, even though my window was down. It was still 10 feet away. But there it was "chinkchinkchink" the sound of metal teeth click into place. I have an aunt I haven't seen now in, man, 5 years at least who works at the prison. She gave us a pair of handcuffs, so I know the sound well. I'm sure this kid's not going to forget it anytime soon either.

I would have liked to have stuck around. Found out what the kid had done, how long he was going to be in cuffs, what happened to him next. 16 years old and put in handcuffs, how does that affect the rest of your life? I guess it depends. Throwing rocks probably gets you dropped charges and maybe a smack from your old man if he does that sort of thing. Dealing meth? I would guess that's a couple of years preceded by waiting for a trail. High School's gotta look pretty darn good from that viewpoint.

9 OUT OF 10 CAN BE WRONG

I didn't get to see the Republican debate last night, but I heard about it on the news this morning and then read up a little bit about it today. Most importantly, the views on Roe v. Wade. Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giulliani is the only one out of the 10 debators who wasn't doing cartwheels over the idea of Roe v. Wade being someday overturned. Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas went so far as to call that day "a glorious day of human liberty and freedom."

Now, if I could, I'd like to take a quick moment to review the candidates for the Republican nomination that were at the debate.
Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan.
Former Gov. James Gilmore, R-Va.
Former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, R-N.Y.C.
Former Gov. Mike Huckabee, R- Ark.
Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif.
Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz.
Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas
Former Gov. Mitt Romney, R- Mass
Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Col.
Former Gov. Tommy Thompson, R-Wis.

Hmmm... Sam, James, Rudolph, Mike, Duncan, John, Ron, Mitt, Tom, Tommy. Hmmm... for a bunch of people without the ability to carry a child to term, they've sure got no problem telling women what they can and can't do with their wombs.

I just hope that if Roe v. Wade ever should get overturned, that those other 9 men all have their calendars free so that after, as Rep. Tancredo put it, "the greatest day in this country's history" they have time to work some shifts in back alleys and the tops of stairs.

First you don't want to give all Americans the right to be married, and now you don't want them to keep control over their own bodies. Lovely, just lovely. Watch how you handle those coathangers gentlemen, they can be dangerous.

APPLES A DAY

As many of my loyal Star Worz-iors know, when I'm not roughing up the internet with my two-fisted journalistic stylings, I am a certified dietary nutritionist. As many of my loyal Star Worz-iors know I also tend to lie about things for no good reason. None the less, I think you should adhere to the following nutritional advice. Much like www.VentureScripts.com, I'm just giving this stuff away.

THREE FACTS OF NUTRITION:

1) Babies Should Not Be Vegans.
I am not a Vegan. I'd be willing to bet good money that there are not a lot of vegans in my state. You don't pick up the nickname "America's Dairyland" by snacking on greens and organic oats. Off the top of my head I can think of one Vegan I know personally. She was a very sweet girl that I knew in college. I know she was very healthy looking and not at all judgemental about her choices. I also know that there were times when the Vegan flour she ate caused her to hallucinate demons. I understand the idea behind being a vegan, you don't want to see animals hurt and you feel that it is better for the planet to eat plants (which are full of energy and take up less acreage to maintain) than animals. I also understand that God or evolution or Odin did not give me canine teeth because they look nice. Humans are omnivores, our bodies are built to digest and use proteins that you normally get from meat. We need those proteins and fats to stay alive. Especially if you're a developing baby.

Ms. Sanders and Mr. Thomas learned this the hard way when they spent the six weeks of their child's short life feeding it mostly soy milk and apple juice. Like I've said, I understand and respect the principles involved with choosing a vegan lifestyle, but at the same time, if it's my baby's life or a cow being milked, Bessie goes into the parlor every time.

2) Just Because You Are a Survivalist Group Doesn't Mean You Are Immortal.
You need water to live. It's as simple as that. You, me, The Pope, Aquaman, we all need water or we'll die. Mr. Buschow learned that the hard way last year when he died on a Survivalist trek in the Utah desert. At the time of his death he was only 100 yards from a pool of fresh water, but had already gone 10 hours without a drink and had begun hallucinating. The tragic part of the story is that his guides were carrying emergency water with them. Water that was never offered to Mr. Buschow. If you don't offer emergency water to a man that is confusing trees for women and is constantly collapsing then what sort of emergency are you saving it for? In case Jesus chooses that moment to pop back up and wants a little wine?

3) Fat Makes You Fat.
Fried food is delicious. Fried cheese curds. Fried poppers. French Fries. Delicious, delicious aaaaaaaand delicious. But fried food is not good for you. Why? Because fried food is fried. And in order to fry food you have to dip it for extended periods of time in very, very hot oil. According to this, oil is good for you because it contains low amounts of cholesterol and sodium. However, you have to weigh that against the 335% of your daily recommended amount of fat that you get with each cup of oil. So you could consider oil bad for you. Ergo, food that is fried in oil probably isn't your healthiest choice. The same goes for eating at restaurants with the word "Fried" in their name. Therefore, logic tells us, if you eat regularly at a restaurant famous throughout the WORLD for their fried chicken, you are probably not going to have the healthiest body. Mr. Hoyte, oh I'm sorry, excuse me, DOCTOR Hoyte learned this the hard way. Maybe he figured his doctoral degree would protect him from the fat, like a Green Lantern's Power Ring. Fortunately the judge is a client of mine and had enough sense to toss the law suit out.

There you have it folks, now get out there and live healthy, wealthy and wise. I'm off to Burger King for some of those Quad Stackers. Anything with Quad in it can't be bad for you. Look at the quadrilateral.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 5-2-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "baby" as in "Stop the ride, there's a baby under there!"

One summer day ages ago, when I still worked at Bay Beach Amusement Park, James was running the Tilt-a-whirl. He was zoning out slightly, as is the case of most of the ride operators. It's 90 degrees, you're sitting directly in the sun surrounded by hot metal, you're wearing a polo shirt tucked into your shorts and you're only 4 hours into your 12 hour double shift. The Tilt-a-whirl is especially hypnotic. Release cart brake, move throttle to halfway, allow for a rotation, move throttle to full, wait three minutes, throttle down, engage cart brake. Repeat, repeat, *sigh* repeat.

James was, I'm sure, deep in some thought about how some day he'd have a real job, or else how drunk he was going to get that night. It was always a toss-up with most of the staff there. Suddenly a man starts yelling at him, "Stop the ride, there's a baby under there! Stop the ride!" James bolts out of his seat and immediately throws the throttle back into neutral and slams on the electronic brake which sends ride goers slamming into each other in their carts as the ride grinds to a halt.

A baby under the ride, while difficult to imagine, was not impossible to believe. The bottom of the Tilt-a-whirl, which covered all of the gears and belts that made the ride move, did not reach all the way to the ground. It would be, in theory, possible for someone to get under there. It was also possible that someone's child had gotten away from them. Not only are children notoriously slippery, but a lot of the people that came to Bay Beach Amusement Park were idiots. Case in point, people would climb over giants rocks and walk past rotting fish corpses in order to splash around in the bay, fulling ignoring the fact that there was no swimming in the Bay due to the giant floating landfill 100 yards off of the shore.

This was all in James' mind as he vaulted the exit line bars and landed next to the Good Samaritan. Dropping to his knees on the hot concrete, James scanned the darkness looking and listening for the child.

"I don't see a baby," said James.

"Oh, it's not down there," replied the man.

"What?"

"But it could have been," said the man who cried baby. "And if one did," he continued, as his Special Olympics medal gleamed in the sun, "I could go and get him because I'm wearing special shoes."

"Oh..." said James, as he searched for an appropriate response. "Okay. I'll remember that."

We never did get the name of that well intentioned man and James never did have need of his special, injury proof shoes but that day did become the day the Tilt-a-whirl came to be known by its new, unofficial name: The Baby Killer.