APPLES A DAY
As many of my loyal Star Worz-iors know, when I'm not roughing up the internet with my two-fisted journalistic stylings, I am a certified dietary nutritionist. As many of my loyal Star Worz-iors know I also tend to lie about things for no good reason. None the less, I think you should adhere to the following nutritional advice. Much like www.VentureScripts.com, I'm just giving this stuff away.
THREE FACTS OF NUTRITION:
1) Babies Should Not Be Vegans.
I am not a Vegan. I'd be willing to bet good money that there are not a lot of vegans in my state. You don't pick up the nickname "America's Dairyland" by snacking on greens and organic oats. Off the top of my head I can think of one Vegan I know personally. She was a very sweet girl that I knew in college. I know she was very healthy looking and not at all judgemental about her choices. I also know that there were times when the Vegan flour she ate caused her to hallucinate demons. I understand the idea behind being a vegan, you don't want to see animals hurt and you feel that it is better for the planet to eat plants (which are full of energy and take up less acreage to maintain) than animals. I also understand that God or evolution or Odin did not give me canine teeth because they look nice. Humans are omnivores, our bodies are built to digest and use proteins that you normally get from meat. We need those proteins and fats to stay alive. Especially if you're a developing baby.
Ms. Sanders and Mr. Thomas learned this the hard way when they spent the six weeks of their child's short life feeding it mostly soy milk and apple juice. Like I've said, I understand and respect the principles involved with choosing a vegan lifestyle, but at the same time, if it's my baby's life or a cow being milked, Bessie goes into the parlor every time.
2) Just Because You Are a Survivalist Group Doesn't Mean You Are Immortal.
You need water to live. It's as simple as that. You, me, The Pope, Aquaman, we all need water or we'll die. Mr. Buschow learned that the hard way last year when he died on a Survivalist trek in the Utah desert. At the time of his death he was only 100 yards from a pool of fresh water, but had already gone 10 hours without a drink and had begun hallucinating. The tragic part of the story is that his guides were carrying emergency water with them. Water that was never offered to Mr. Buschow. If you don't offer emergency water to a man that is confusing trees for women and is constantly collapsing then what sort of emergency are you saving it for? In case Jesus chooses that moment to pop back up and wants a little wine?
3) Fat Makes You Fat.
Fried food is delicious. Fried cheese curds. Fried poppers. French Fries. Delicious, delicious aaaaaaaand delicious. But fried food is not good for you. Why? Because fried food is fried. And in order to fry food you have to dip it for extended periods of time in very, very hot oil. According to this, oil is good for you because it contains low amounts of cholesterol and sodium. However, you have to weigh that against the 335% of your daily recommended amount of fat that you get with each cup of oil. So you could consider oil bad for you. Ergo, food that is fried in oil probably isn't your healthiest choice. The same goes for eating at restaurants with the word "Fried" in their name. Therefore, logic tells us, if you eat regularly at a restaurant famous throughout the WORLD for their fried chicken, you are probably not going to have the healthiest body. Mr. Hoyte, oh I'm sorry, excuse me, DOCTOR Hoyte learned this the hard way. Maybe he figured his doctoral degree would protect him from the fat, like a Green Lantern's Power Ring. Fortunately the judge is a client of mine and had enough sense to toss the law suit out.
There you have it folks, now get out there and live healthy, wealthy and wise. I'm off to Burger King for some of those Quad Stackers. Anything with Quad in it can't be bad for you. Look at the quadrilateral.
THREE FACTS OF NUTRITION:
1) Babies Should Not Be Vegans.
I am not a Vegan. I'd be willing to bet good money that there are not a lot of vegans in my state. You don't pick up the nickname "America's Dairyland" by snacking on greens and organic oats. Off the top of my head I can think of one Vegan I know personally. She was a very sweet girl that I knew in college. I know she was very healthy looking and not at all judgemental about her choices. I also know that there were times when the Vegan flour she ate caused her to hallucinate demons. I understand the idea behind being a vegan, you don't want to see animals hurt and you feel that it is better for the planet to eat plants (which are full of energy and take up less acreage to maintain) than animals. I also understand that God or evolution or Odin did not give me canine teeth because they look nice. Humans are omnivores, our bodies are built to digest and use proteins that you normally get from meat. We need those proteins and fats to stay alive. Especially if you're a developing baby.
Ms. Sanders and Mr. Thomas learned this the hard way when they spent the six weeks of their child's short life feeding it mostly soy milk and apple juice. Like I've said, I understand and respect the principles involved with choosing a vegan lifestyle, but at the same time, if it's my baby's life or a cow being milked, Bessie goes into the parlor every time.
2) Just Because You Are a Survivalist Group Doesn't Mean You Are Immortal.
You need water to live. It's as simple as that. You, me, The Pope, Aquaman, we all need water or we'll die. Mr. Buschow learned that the hard way last year when he died on a Survivalist trek in the Utah desert. At the time of his death he was only 100 yards from a pool of fresh water, but had already gone 10 hours without a drink and had begun hallucinating. The tragic part of the story is that his guides were carrying emergency water with them. Water that was never offered to Mr. Buschow. If you don't offer emergency water to a man that is confusing trees for women and is constantly collapsing then what sort of emergency are you saving it for? In case Jesus chooses that moment to pop back up and wants a little wine?
3) Fat Makes You Fat.
Fried food is delicious. Fried cheese curds. Fried poppers. French Fries. Delicious, delicious aaaaaaaand delicious. But fried food is not good for you. Why? Because fried food is fried. And in order to fry food you have to dip it for extended periods of time in very, very hot oil. According to this, oil is good for you because it contains low amounts of cholesterol and sodium. However, you have to weigh that against the 335% of your daily recommended amount of fat that you get with each cup of oil. So you could consider oil bad for you. Ergo, food that is fried in oil probably isn't your healthiest choice. The same goes for eating at restaurants with the word "Fried" in their name. Therefore, logic tells us, if you eat regularly at a restaurant famous throughout the WORLD for their fried chicken, you are probably not going to have the healthiest body. Mr. Hoyte, oh I'm sorry, excuse me, DOCTOR Hoyte learned this the hard way. Maybe he figured his doctoral degree would protect him from the fat, like a Green Lantern's Power Ring. Fortunately the judge is a client of mine and had enough sense to toss the law suit out.
There you have it folks, now get out there and live healthy, wealthy and wise. I'm off to Burger King for some of those Quad Stackers. Anything with Quad in it can't be bad for you. Look at the quadrilateral.
posted by Matt Worzala at
1:51 PM
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