DIF'RENT STROKES

I love advice lists. I love them because I love science and these lists are the greatest evidence that life exists on other planets. You know the lists I'm talking about: "Save Money On Weddings" has such useful tips as "Don't rent a stretch Hummer" or "Serve Beluga Caviar as an appetizer rather than as a main course", "Save More Today" advises you to "eat at fancy restaurants only 3 days a week" or "try taking two 3 day cruises instead of one 6 day one". These people obviously do not inhabit the same reality that I do. Sheryl Crow's attempt to dispense environmental advice comes from this same Bizarro World.

Crow's two major brainstorms revolve around the conservation of toilet paper and paper napkins.

Says Crow

Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Two or three squares of toilet paper? Per use? Apparently Crow has never heard of cheese. Or Mexican food. Or maybe Crow only does Number One. I don't know. Lance might, but I don't.

Crow continues

I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product.

A clothing line designed by a celebrity? My, what a novel concept. I wonder if the world is ready for that? In Crow's world you apparently use napkins solely for wiping your mouth. Personally, I can do that in one napkin. I wouldn't need an entire sleeve for that. What I need an entire dispenser of napkins for is my hands. I don't know how effective it will be to walk into a restaurant looking like I'm carrying the Right Hand of Doom and walking out looking like I've just been elbow deep in someone's midsection.

I would suggest going back to the drawing board and brainstorming some ideas that actual people in this actual world can utilize. But, that's just my advice.