TANI'S TALES PART 2 (of 2)
Hello Star Worz-iors,
Sorry about the lack of activity lately, I was in Oregon (State Motto: As Green As Ireland But 40% Less Drunk!) Wednesday through Sunday. As I continue to unpack, Tani has been kind enough to have another horrible day that she wants to share with all of you.
Enjoy.
Friday Morning:
2:00 a.m. – I go to bed.
4:00 a.m. – I awaken to noise. Tick…tick…tick…
4:01 a.m. – I go back to sleep
4:02 a.m. - I awaken to noise. Tick.Tick.Tick.Tick. I wonder briefly if someone has planted a bomb in my room.
4:03 a.m. - I decide not and go back to sleep
4:04 a.m. - I awaken to noise. TICKTICKTICKTICK
4:05 a.m. – I decide to take a whiz while I am up.
4:06 a.m. – my feet hit the ground. Instead of a thump, I hear a splash. This is definitely not good.
4:06 a.m. – I turn on light.
4:06 a.m. – I conclude, using analytical skills derived from Evidence class, that my waterbed has sprung an enormous leak and is flooding the bedroom.
4:07 a.m. – I let loose a string of unladylike words, punctuated with even worse unladylike words.
4:08 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. – I frantically try to drain my waterbed by pushing a garbage can down into the middle of the bed, catching as much loose water as I can, and then running to the bathroom to dump it in tub.
7:31 a.m. - I make a mental note that my mother was WRONG, that there ARE indeed occasions that a single female might need to own fourteen towels, and I was JUSTIFIED in spending the money on them.
7:32 a.m. – I thank the stars that I am a camping buff – as I am only in town another 4 months and can thus use my camping air mattress to sleep on until I move.
7:34 a.m. – I root out aforementioned air mattress, rev up the pump and fill mattress up.
7:45 a.m. – I pull pump out of filled air mattress, and discover that I have no idea where the mattress cap is.
7:46 a.m. – I watch in dismay as all the air whooshes right back out of aforementioned mattress.
7:47 a.m. – I repeat the string of unladylike words.
7:48 a.m. – I post ad in the furniture for sale section on craigslist.com to sell waterbed. I explain that I have had the bed for three years and it is CURSED because I could not get laid to save my life in the entire time I owned it; suggest it might be perfect for parents to purchase for a young daughter just moving out on her own, as either my mother hexed the bed when she bought it for me, or else the bed came WITH a force field that prevented men from coming near said bed. Offer to throw in a free mattress repair kit and hose.
8:03 a.m. – I check inbox. I have 15 new messages replying to my ad on Craigslist.
8:04 a.m. – I discover NOT ONE OF THE 15 MESSAGES was an offer to purchase the bed. FOURTEEN of them were bona fide offers to come over and help me break the "curse" on the bed, followed by assorted icons of idiotic winking smiley faces. The other one was just writing to tell me my ad was funny.
8:05 a.m. – I curse God.
8:06 a.m. – God retaliates by smiting me immediately with a runny nose that will last all day.
8:07 a.m. – I take quick shower before class.
8:22 a.m. – I realize my beloved flip flops were under the bed and are now soaking wet.
8:30 a.m. – I get in car, wet hair, runny nose, sopping shoes and all.
8:55 a.m. – I go through drive-thru at Starbucks and get my coffee, which was clearly prepared by a passive-aggressive inbred who has no concept of FILL LINES.
8:56 a.m.- I take sip out of coffee and try to shift gears simultaneously, causing coffee to make a break for freedom.
9:07 a.m. – My coffee-soaked lap, sopping shoes, runny nose and I arrive at school.
9:10 a.m. – I head for class. Perky female student walking by says to me, "SMILE!"
…Get Bent.
Sorry about the lack of activity lately, I was in Oregon (State Motto: As Green As Ireland But 40% Less Drunk!) Wednesday through Sunday. As I continue to unpack, Tani has been kind enough to have another horrible day that she wants to share with all of you.
Enjoy.
Friday Morning:
2:00 a.m. – I go to bed.
4:00 a.m. – I awaken to noise. Tick…tick…tick…
4:01 a.m. – I go back to sleep
4:02 a.m. - I awaken to noise. Tick.Tick.Tick.Tick. I wonder briefly if someone has planted a bomb in my room.
4:03 a.m. - I decide not and go back to sleep
4:04 a.m. - I awaken to noise. TICKTICKTICKTICK
4:05 a.m. – I decide to take a whiz while I am up.
4:06 a.m. – my feet hit the ground. Instead of a thump, I hear a splash. This is definitely not good.
4:06 a.m. – I turn on light.
4:06 a.m. – I conclude, using analytical skills derived from Evidence class, that my waterbed has sprung an enormous leak and is flooding the bedroom.
4:07 a.m. – I let loose a string of unladylike words, punctuated with even worse unladylike words.
4:08 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. – I frantically try to drain my waterbed by pushing a garbage can down into the middle of the bed, catching as much loose water as I can, and then running to the bathroom to dump it in tub.
7:31 a.m. - I make a mental note that my mother was WRONG, that there ARE indeed occasions that a single female might need to own fourteen towels, and I was JUSTIFIED in spending the money on them.
7:32 a.m. – I thank the stars that I am a camping buff – as I am only in town another 4 months and can thus use my camping air mattress to sleep on until I move.
7:34 a.m. – I root out aforementioned air mattress, rev up the pump and fill mattress up.
7:45 a.m. – I pull pump out of filled air mattress, and discover that I have no idea where the mattress cap is.
7:46 a.m. – I watch in dismay as all the air whooshes right back out of aforementioned mattress.
7:47 a.m. – I repeat the string of unladylike words.
7:48 a.m. – I post ad in the furniture for sale section on craigslist.com to sell waterbed. I explain that I have had the bed for three years and it is CURSED because I could not get laid to save my life in the entire time I owned it; suggest it might be perfect for parents to purchase for a young daughter just moving out on her own, as either my mother hexed the bed when she bought it for me, or else the bed came WITH a force field that prevented men from coming near said bed. Offer to throw in a free mattress repair kit and hose.
8:03 a.m. – I check inbox. I have 15 new messages replying to my ad on Craigslist.
8:04 a.m. – I discover NOT ONE OF THE 15 MESSAGES was an offer to purchase the bed. FOURTEEN of them were bona fide offers to come over and help me break the "curse" on the bed, followed by assorted icons of idiotic winking smiley faces. The other one was just writing to tell me my ad was funny.
8:05 a.m. – I curse God.
8:06 a.m. – God retaliates by smiting me immediately with a runny nose that will last all day.
8:07 a.m. – I take quick shower before class.
8:22 a.m. – I realize my beloved flip flops were under the bed and are now soaking wet.
8:30 a.m. – I get in car, wet hair, runny nose, sopping shoes and all.
8:55 a.m. – I go through drive-thru at Starbucks and get my coffee, which was clearly prepared by a passive-aggressive inbred who has no concept of FILL LINES.
8:56 a.m.- I take sip out of coffee and try to shift gears simultaneously, causing coffee to make a break for freedom.
9:07 a.m. – My coffee-soaked lap, sopping shoes, runny nose and I arrive at school.
9:10 a.m. – I head for class. Perky female student walking by says to me, "SMILE!"
…Get Bent.
posted by Matt Worzala at
12:51 PM
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