CANADA CONTINENTAL

The hotel we stayed at in Thunder Bay was very nice and had three pluses going for it. 1) It was at the intersection of the town's two major roads, so it was easy to find. 2) It was next to the airport, so it was convenient for those attending the wedding who had to fly in. 3) It included a pool, sauna and exercise center.

It also had a continental breakfast.

You'll notice I didn't put that in the plus category.

Now, as I mentioned, this was a nice hotel, on a major intersection, next to the airport and included several amenities. So when we learned they had a continental breakfast we were understandably excited. As a member of a family that always drove for vacation, I have stayed at many hotels and have had many continental breakfasts. This will certainly go down as one of the most memorable. Most continental breakfasts that I have encountered run from 5 a.m. until about 9 a.m. A nice, though early, time frame for people to rise, wash up, and have something to eat on their way out of the hotel. This breakfast, however, only ran from 5 a.m. until 7 a.m. We discounted it as a Canadian quirk and a marketing ploy to get people to visit the more expensive (aka not free) restaurants inside the hotel.

So there I was, 6 in the morning, body confused as to why it was not currently in bed, lumbering my way to the continental breakfast. The entire night before we had speculated what sort of wonders might be laid out in front of us. This was a hotel with a pool, AND restaurants inside. It certainly would fall in the upper ranks of the Continental Breakfast Pyramid, which are:

Top Tier: Waffle maker with cups of batter, donuts, muffins, bagels, a toaster for the bagels, bread, cereal, fresh fruit, silverware, plates, coffee, juice, milk, hot water for tea, complimentary newspaper

Second Tier: Donuts, muffins, cold bagels, cereal, plates, spoons, coffee, juice, milk

Third Tier: Donuts, mini-muffins, bagel 1/8's, napkins, coffee, juice

Fourth Tier: Mini-muffins, napkins, coffee, juice.

The Canadian Breakfast did not fall in the top tier. It did not fall in the second or third tier. It completely missed the fourth tier. Below even that, below the very foundation of the Pyramid, rests The Canadian idea of a Continental Breakfast.

I wandered up to the deserted table to find nothing, absolutely nothing, edible. There were a handful of tea bags, a pitcher for hot water and a pitcher with coffee in it. This might have been understandable if it were, say, 7:05 or even 6:50, but it wasn't. It was 6 a.m. And there was nothing. There wasn't even an empty platter.

So I turned to the young Ontarian working the front desk.
Me- Hi.
Him- Good morning.
Me- Um, is this where the Continental Breakfast is? Or is it, you know...
Him- No, it's usually right over there.
Me- Okay. ...cause there's nothing there.
Him- Oh. Really?
Me- Yeah. I mean, you know...
Him- Oh. Let me go check.

So he wandered off into the still closed restaurant to look for answers, leaving me standing in a Thunder Bay hotel lobby at 6 in the morning in my sweatpants wondering how easily I could cross the street to the Best Western for their breakfast. Finally he came back out with a tray in his hand. On the tray was the most meager excuse for a breakfast I have ever seen, and I have fasted in the woods before. There was one whole muffin cut into quarters, along with two small danishes, also quartered. One was pineapple, the other was, I don't know, mud? Is mud a danish topping? Because it looked like mud. So with half a muffin in my one hand and half of a pineapple danish in the other I walked back to my room, mind reeling in disbelief. Perhaps it was all a dream, I thought. But then I woke up in my room two hours later with the quarters still staring up at me from their pathetic muffin wrapper carrying cases and I knew that it was not.

Needless to say, I did not get up the next morning for more of the same.