A NEW CHRISTMAS TRADITION

Forget It's a Wonderful Life.

Throw away Miracle on 34th Street.

Do away with A Christmas Story.

There is one movie you need to watch this holiday season, and it will instantly become your favorite Christmas movie of all time. Even if you're an atheist. Even if you're blind. Even if you're a blind atheist, which is what you get for not believing in my God.

The movie is Santa's Slay, it stars former WCW and WWE wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg, and it is an amazing cinematic feat.

Have you ever wanted to see Fran Drescher die? This movie is for you.
Have you ever wanted to see Chris Kattan murdered? This movie is for you.
Have you ever wanted to see someone get killed with a turkey drumstick? This movie is for you!

And get this... that's the first ten minutes. Santa's Slay murders more people before the opening credits than the entire Friday the 13th franchise combined.

You have to see this movie, your life is not complete until you have witnessed this event in film history. Grandpa has a bunker hidden behind a map of the world. Tommy "Tiny" (ZEUS!!) Lister is a gas station attendent with two lines and 15 seconds of screen time, who seems to only be in the movie because he wasn't doing anything else during that 15 seconds. The police chief's name is Cauk, just so the joke: "He sucks." "Cauk?" can be used.

I have never spent a more blissful 78 minutes in my life. Every death is delectable. Every "joke" is gut-bustingly bad. The soundtrack features the greatest Christmas rap since "Santa Went to Hollis" by Run DMC. Santa drives a sled pulled by a bison. A. Giant. White. Bison.

Did I mention there's an entire sequence animated in the style of the old Ruldoph the Red Nosed Reindeer cartoon? AND that two of the major plot points are curling and drunken skeet shooting at night on Christmas??

I shouldn't have to say anymore. If you are a citizen of this planet, you owe it to yourself to go see this movie.

Go. Go now.

Go!