WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 12-6-06
Today's Wednesday Word is "greeting" as in "Enjoy your custom tailored Wal-Mart holiday greeting."
I was talking my friend Jamayla on the phone last week and she was kind enough to inform me of a rather interesting development involving the Wal-marts in Ohio. Wal-mart (Motto: The Only Thing Lower Than Our Prices Is Our Wages) has decided that they do not want to fall victim to last year's "War On Christmas" by wishing shoppers "Happy Holidays." As you may remember, last year Christmas barely survived the sudden, unprecedented onslaught of secularism, as crazed atheists and agnostics tore down the streets in their flex-fuel cars, chainsawing nativity scenes in half and replacing them with upside down, burning "holiday" trees. Not since homosexuality assaulted the sacred shores of holy matrimony have good, honest, normal people had their fragile beliefs so close to being irrevocably shattered. So as to not add more pagan fuel to this fire of intolerance, Wal-mart has come up with a genius plan.
What Wal-mart is proposing its greeters do is this; when you see someone entering or leaving the store, you will not wish them "Happy Holidays" for fear they will become offended. No, instead you will guess their religious affiliation and issue them the appropriate greeting instead.
That's right, Wal-Mart, store of the future, has just leap-frogged over racial profiling to land square on Religious Profiling. My friend was actually good enough to get me a copy of the memo authorizing this new procedure and sent it to me. Here's part of it for your enjoyment.
"Now, it has already come to out attention that many of you will not be able to tell what religion a customer is right away. That is understandable and is something that we at Wal-mart feel will come with time and practice. To avoid embarrassing misteps at first consider using some of the following guidelines.
Apparel-
Is the customer wearing any sort of religion identify item of clothing or jewelery? For example a Cross, Bush 2004 button, #8 NASCAR hat or JESUS baseball cap would all indicate a Christian. Proceed with "Merry Christmas". Anyone wearing a Star of David, a Yarmulka, thick glasses or a Kerry 2004 button is probably Jewish. Say "Happy Hanukkah." Reminder, try not to add "You must have enjoyed saving all that money." If they are wearing an African tri-color scarf, a tri-color hat, or a Black Power Fist necklace they are probably black. Double check. If they are indeed black, they are most likely Muslim. However, many blacks are also Christian. The best way to check is to use this test phrase:
TEST PHRASE:
"Jesus, it sure is cold out."
If the customer responds with "Amen" they are a Christian. Wish them a Merry Christmas. If they simply nod or reply "That's how The Man wants it to be" they are Muslim. Wish them a "Holy Ramadan" and then inform security so they may run a register check on what was recently purchased from the store...."
Wal-Mart, keeping prices low and standards even lower!
I was talking my friend Jamayla on the phone last week and she was kind enough to inform me of a rather interesting development involving the Wal-marts in Ohio. Wal-mart (Motto: The Only Thing Lower Than Our Prices Is Our Wages) has decided that they do not want to fall victim to last year's "War On Christmas" by wishing shoppers "Happy Holidays." As you may remember, last year Christmas barely survived the sudden, unprecedented onslaught of secularism, as crazed atheists and agnostics tore down the streets in their flex-fuel cars, chainsawing nativity scenes in half and replacing them with upside down, burning "holiday" trees. Not since homosexuality assaulted the sacred shores of holy matrimony have good, honest, normal people had their fragile beliefs so close to being irrevocably shattered. So as to not add more pagan fuel to this fire of intolerance, Wal-mart has come up with a genius plan.
What Wal-mart is proposing its greeters do is this; when you see someone entering or leaving the store, you will not wish them "Happy Holidays" for fear they will become offended. No, instead you will guess their religious affiliation and issue them the appropriate greeting instead.
That's right, Wal-Mart, store of the future, has just leap-frogged over racial profiling to land square on Religious Profiling. My friend was actually good enough to get me a copy of the memo authorizing this new procedure and sent it to me. Here's part of it for your enjoyment.
"Now, it has already come to out attention that many of you will not be able to tell what religion a customer is right away. That is understandable and is something that we at Wal-mart feel will come with time and practice. To avoid embarrassing misteps at first consider using some of the following guidelines.
Apparel-
Is the customer wearing any sort of religion identify item of clothing or jewelery? For example a Cross, Bush 2004 button, #8 NASCAR hat or JESUS baseball cap would all indicate a Christian. Proceed with "Merry Christmas". Anyone wearing a Star of David, a Yarmulka, thick glasses or a Kerry 2004 button is probably Jewish. Say "Happy Hanukkah." Reminder, try not to add "You must have enjoyed saving all that money." If they are wearing an African tri-color scarf, a tri-color hat, or a Black Power Fist necklace they are probably black. Double check. If they are indeed black, they are most likely Muslim. However, many blacks are also Christian. The best way to check is to use this test phrase:
TEST PHRASE:
"Jesus, it sure is cold out."
If the customer responds with "Amen" they are a Christian. Wish them a Merry Christmas. If they simply nod or reply "That's how The Man wants it to be" they are Muslim. Wish them a "Holy Ramadan" and then inform security so they may run a register check on what was recently purchased from the store...."
Wal-Mart, keeping prices low and standards even lower!
Labels: Worzala's Wednesday Word
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