WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 11-15-06

Sorry for the delay, Calvin Klein set up a most ingenious pit trap in my garage and I was down there, fighting off a tiger, for most of the night. Fortunately I am a hardy enough individual to have escape the situation unscathed. If I were any more hardy I would solve mysteries with my brother Frank, but that's getting off topic.

Today's Wednesday Word is "Mario" as in "I know there is a God, because Mario Lopez did not win 'Dancing With The Stars'."

I never set out to watch "Dancing With The Stars", but like the the discovery of Radium or the French and Indian War, it just sort of happened. For those of you who are blissfully ignorant of the show, what it does is it takes your average B- or C-list celebrity, teams them with a professional dancer and then they perform different dances for a trio of judges. There's kinda-ethnic-supportive-woman judge,
stodgy-older-British judge and crazy-Italian-possibly-gay-or-just-REALLY-Italian judge. The scores the judges give are then factored into at home voting and the lowest scoring team for each week is eliminated. It's like American Idol with less warbling and fewer "dawgs".

Jerry Springer was in the competition this year, as was Tucker "Jon Stewart Called Me A Dick" Carlson and country singing sensation Sara Evans. The final three were Joey "Woah!" Lawrence, Mario "A.C. Slater" Lopez and Emmitt "The One Dallas Cowboy Not Arrested For Drugs" Smith. The final two came down to Lopez and Smith, after Lawrence (who, by the by, now sports a Mr. Clean dome) was bounced last week. Apparently American wasn't swayed by his 1920's sailor outfit. Fickle America, always forgetting its veterans.

Now, I could not stand Mario Lopez. First, there were the allegations that he did have professional dance experience prior to the competition, a strict no-no in the rules. Then there were the reprimands for breaking the dance rules during the actual competition. But beyond all that he was simply the most insincerely sincere person I had ever seen in a reality show competition. And, for the record, I watch Survivor and Real World/Road Rules, so I know what I'm talking about. A typical interview with Zach Morris' foil went like this:

"Gosh, I mean, I'm just so excited that people seem to like us. I mean, I think we're the best dancers out there, but you know, you've to got to- gee wiz, I mean, put it in God's hands and hope that all the great people out there watching us like what we did. I mean, I worked really hard on this, and I think you can tell we're the better dancers, but I just (suddenly slips into Mexican accent) hope that the people out there will be by our side and, you know, vote with unity and conviction. (back to normal) But it's all in God's hands. I'm just really excited and lucky to be here."

Now, I don't hate Mexican people. I love Taco Johns and the music of Shakira as much as the next American, but every time I saw A.C. Slater's smug grin on the screen I wanted to punch him right between his mascara lined eyes. Not only for his attitude, but also for making it seem okay to wear pink tank tops to high school. Trust me, it is not okay! They will shove you in a locker for that and then eat your lunch while you're stuck in there, including the pudding your mom had put in there just for you! ... umm, this kid I know, knows a- a guy that it... happened to. In Canada.

So I was hoping that Mario and his rather manish-looking dance partner would not win. And apparently God, who is that all that is, heard my unspoken prayer and He came through in a big way. Not only did Emmitt win, callers looking to vote for Mario were actually rerouted to a woman in Missouri. If that's not a divine response, I don't know what is.

Now if the Lord could just do something about Dustin Diamond. If anyone deserves a divine smiting it's Screech for making a "Saved By The Bell" themed porno.

Amen.