WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 11-29-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "Jew" as in "I am a Jew."

That's right, I'm Jewish. This may come as a surprise to many of you, the readers, my roommates, the guy behind the counter at the grocery store deli, my pastor, my parents, God, but it's true, I'm Jewish. At least, I've decided I am. If Michael Richards can do it, so can I.

In case you haven't heard yet, Michael Richards (The Micheal Richards Show), who rocketed back into the public conscience recently after his lovely racist "bit" towards two black hecklers at a comedy club, is now being accused of being Anti-Semetic. Oy Vey, says Richards, who, according to his agent, IS Jewish. But wait a schlamazel, says the Jewish community, how is this to be true, when neither of your parents are Jewish, and you yourself have never converted to Judaism. What makes this night different from any other night?

Richards claims that while no, he is no more technically Jewish than Bill Gates is Cuban, his mentors growing up were both Jewish and he has always felt a deep, spiritual kinship with the Jewish community. Enough so to make him Jewish by proxy. Good readers, this is as brilliant as it is idiotic. Talk about taking "I'm not religious, but I am spiritual" to a whole new level!

So, I've decided, if Kramer can just jump on the Jewish bandwagon, without having to make any sort of actual commitment, I figured I would too. I'm also filing papers to be recognized as Native American, black, Hmong, Chinese, and Hawaiian. Not only will my offspring have more scholarship offers than they can count, but I'll now be able to fill both this column as well as my daily conversations with all sorts of stereotypical comments and racial slurs. Who will I be offending? Probably everyone. Can I get in trouble? Of course not! I'm One of You! Just, you know, not actually.

Shalom my brothers! And Aloha!