WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 11-29-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "Jew" as in "I am a Jew."

That's right, I'm Jewish. This may come as a surprise to many of you, the readers, my roommates, the guy behind the counter at the grocery store deli, my pastor, my parents, God, but it's true, I'm Jewish. At least, I've decided I am. If Michael Richards can do it, so can I.

In case you haven't heard yet, Michael Richards (The Micheal Richards Show), who rocketed back into the public conscience recently after his lovely racist "bit" towards two black hecklers at a comedy club, is now being accused of being Anti-Semetic. Oy Vey, says Richards, who, according to his agent, IS Jewish. But wait a schlamazel, says the Jewish community, how is this to be true, when neither of your parents are Jewish, and you yourself have never converted to Judaism. What makes this night different from any other night?

Richards claims that while no, he is no more technically Jewish than Bill Gates is Cuban, his mentors growing up were both Jewish and he has always felt a deep, spiritual kinship with the Jewish community. Enough so to make him Jewish by proxy. Good readers, this is as brilliant as it is idiotic. Talk about taking "I'm not religious, but I am spiritual" to a whole new level!

So, I've decided, if Kramer can just jump on the Jewish bandwagon, without having to make any sort of actual commitment, I figured I would too. I'm also filing papers to be recognized as Native American, black, Hmong, Chinese, and Hawaiian. Not only will my offspring have more scholarship offers than they can count, but I'll now be able to fill both this column as well as my daily conversations with all sorts of stereotypical comments and racial slurs. Who will I be offending? Probably everyone. Can I get in trouble? Of course not! I'm One of You! Just, you know, not actually.

Shalom my brothers! And Aloha!

I WAS JUST IN THIS DUNGEON... WASN'T I?

We've recently picked up a new roommate at Casa Del Star Worz and one of the many benefits she has brought into our lives, on top of reduced rent and a legitimate reason to hang up our unicorn/rainbow poster, was an old school Nintendo and a veritable cornucopia of old school games. Games so old school they're spelled "Olde Fchoole". Blades of Steel, Metriod, Paperboy, Castlevania, MotherLovin' ExciteBike, they're all there. And then, on top of it all; Dragon Warrior. I nearly broke my neck, as well as the sound barrier, racing to the secondary video game room to play. (Yes, that's how many systems my roommates have. They take up TWO rooms. Weep with either envy or pity, your pick.)

Now, as anyone who currently still owns a classic Nintendo knows, you can't just put a cartridge in and start playing. No, no. Back in the day, before discs and memory cards and wireless remote hoolimajiggery, you had to earn the right to play a video game. And the way you earned it was by false starting time and time again trying to get the system to recognize the game. It consists of four stages, though they are not always in this order.

Stage 1: Big gray screen. This is the grandfather of the "Blue Screen of Death". Solution- Remove cartridge and blow on it.
Stage 2: Semi-coherent screen. It Looks like the game, if you were on acid and had just been punched in one eye. Solution- Remove cartridge and blow on it, push harder into the machine.
Stage 3: Black and White screen. Also know as "Good Enough, I guess". This works for some games, Super Mario Brothers, for example. It does not work for other games, such as Dr. Mario. Solution- Remove cartridge and blow on it, blow inside machine, shake game in an up and down manner, push harder into the machine.
Stage 4: Color. Sweet Lord Above, glorious 8-bit color.

I spent most of the day playing Dragon Warrior in Stage 3, until I stumbled upon Stage 4 late in the afternoon. It must have been what Dorothy felt like when she woke up in Oz. Red bricks, blue water, green forests, green grass, green... mountains... okay, maybe I wasn't missing out on THAT much.

Dragon Warrior, for those of you who don't know, is a role playing adventure where you take a would-be knight around the kingdom looking to rescue the missing princess and destroy the evil Dragonlord, hence the title. I hear in Japan it's called Missing Princess Finder Action Dragon Fight Man Pow.

It's a pretty straight forward game, as all old Nintendo games were. You had two buttons, what complications could they throw at you? Walk around, find monster, attack monster, kill monster, get gold, get experience, level up, get better weapons, so on and so forth. 10 year-olds played this game, I know, because I played it when I was 10.

And yet... I suck at Dragon Warrior. I absolutely suck. I'm charging into dungeons I have no right entering, I'm forgetting to bring herbs with me, I'm casting sleep on townspeople, I'm getting murdered by Slimes. I'm having to be resurrected more than Lazarus. I keep thinking the King's just going to say "Screw it, you can stay dead, someone get me a new hero." I get lost IN THE OPEN. I pause the game, go to grab a soda, come back and then sit there for five minutes thinking "Okay... was I heading east? Or West?" Two minutes later I remember it was north.

Just wait though, wait till I level up and get my hands on the soul caliber, then I'm going to start turning things around.

...what? Wrong game? Wrong genre? Wrong system? Son of a b-

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 11-22-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "Thanksgiving" as in "Tomorrow is Thanksgiving."

I know, creative, isn't it?

Thanksgiving is my third favorite holiday of the year, proceeded only by the birthdays of two legendary First Amendment advocates, myself and Larry Flynt. However, since our birthdays are the same day, I'll give Thanksgiving the benefit of the doubt and push it up to number two.

Thanksgiving is a great American holiday because it combines our spiritual side (being thankful for the many blessings we have) with our consumer side (eating food until you fall asleep, only to rise and eat some more). There are few other times these two conflicting urges so perfectly mesh. I can't think of an instance since, and I'm sure you remember them, the commemorative The Passion Of The Christ cross nails.

This will be my first Thanksgiving with a significant other, as normally I dump my lady friends right after they've given me my birthday gift.

Me: Hey great, The BBC Office series! I love you-
Girl: I love you too.
Me: -BBC Office series.
Girl: ...
Me: Yeah, we should probably talk.

But my current favorite girl in the whole wide world sidestepped this procedure by getting my gift almost a full month before my birthday. Clever girl that one, which is another reason I keep her around. And since I love her and she loves me, we're going to each other's Thanksgivings this year. I've heard horror stories of how this is a grave mistake, but I think we'll be alright. I think we both can put up with just about anything if it will get us two free meals. That's yet another thing I love about her.

I worry about her meeting my family a little bit, mostly because they're a little... nuts isn't the right word... wait, yes it is. Give you an example, my cousin and her husband are planning on getting wasted the night before because they believe they are more fun hung-over, and they want to be entertaining while my girlfriend is there. So that's their plan, to get rip roaring drunk to entice her to stick around longer.

Even so, I wasn't that worried until I had this conversation with my mother tonight.

Mom: So, you'll be coming over tomorrow around 11?
Me: Yup.
Mom: And did you warn her about the family?
Me: ... no.
Mom: You should probably do that.
Me: ... I'll warn her tonight.

When your own mom is telling you to warn your girlfriend before she meets the family, you should probably warn your girlfriend.

Then it's off to her folks' place, where it's my turn to be the outsider. Her parents live in the woods. Not the boonies, mind you, the actual-in-the-middle-of-the-woods-woods. Her dad apparently cleared land to build their home. The plus side will be that there's no way we're getting into a fight that ends in me storming off, because their driveway's a quarter mile long and I don't know if I could find my way back to town.

Me: -WELL SAME TO YOU!!
Her: FINE!
Me: FINE!
Her: I HATE YOU!
Me: I'M OUT OF HERE!
*slam*
Me: ... umm... hmmm... hey, baby? How do you get out of here?
*wolf howl*
Me: And, uh, is your dog out here?

So it should be an adventure, and as we all know, I love adventures. We'll see how this goes, and then maybe we'll start discussing Arbor Day plans.

LOCAL MAN WAS SURE CO-WORKER HAD SEEN THE EPISODE ALREADY

South Bend, IN- Todd Bishop issued an apology to his co-worker this afternoon after accidentally revealing the ending to the last season of the popular Fox television show, "24".

"I never meant to cause any harm," said Bishop in a written statement sent to his co-worker, Alex Brown, via e-mail this morning. "I'm sorry about what I had said, and I never would have mentioned the twist ending if I had known you hadn't seen it yet."

Bishop ended the message with a feeble attempt at humor. "Any time you want to ruin a show for me, feel free to."

The incident had started innocently enough with the two men discussing upcoming programs around the water cooler. New to the office, Bishop had been eager to make a connection with Brown, an indirect superior. When Brown brought up the new season of "24" witness say Bishop seized his opportunity.

"As soon as Alex mentioned the new season of '24' Todd's eyes lit up," said Mary Coogan, Accounts Payable. "Alex said, 'What did you think about Season 5?' and Todd immediately goes into how he didn't see the Chinese capturing Jack at the end of the season finale coming. Alex just got real quiet then and said 'I haven't finished watching the season yet.' Boy, did Todd turn red."

Though not completely to blame for answering an open ended question about an episode that aired six months ago, this is not the first time Bishop has spoiled the end for someone. Just weeks earlier, Bishop came in to work loudly talking on his cell phone about the death of beloved "Lost" character, Mr. Eko. Unbeknownst him, both the receptionist and the FedEx delivery man had been unable to watch the episode the night before. Though apologetic, Bishop then proceeded to ruin the ending for Coogan, when explaining how bad he felt about the earlier incident.

"He means well. That's why it's hard to stay mad at him. He just gets so excited that he doesn't think that others haven't seen the episodes yet," said Coogan. "Really, I envy him. To have enough free time to see all of these shows right when they air? I've got 5 weeks of 'Survivor' on my TiVo. Needless to say, I don't even MENTION reality television when Todd's in the room."

Bishop, who also ruined the ending to The Usual Suspects for an entire line of ticket holders opening weekend, vows to try harder to be more discreet in the future.

Said Bishop, "I'm just glad that people keep giving me all these second chances. It's like in the end of Stranger Than Fiction when Will Farrell-"

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 11-15-06

Sorry for the delay, Calvin Klein set up a most ingenious pit trap in my garage and I was down there, fighting off a tiger, for most of the night. Fortunately I am a hardy enough individual to have escape the situation unscathed. If I were any more hardy I would solve mysteries with my brother Frank, but that's getting off topic.

Today's Wednesday Word is "Mario" as in "I know there is a God, because Mario Lopez did not win 'Dancing With The Stars'."

I never set out to watch "Dancing With The Stars", but like the the discovery of Radium or the French and Indian War, it just sort of happened. For those of you who are blissfully ignorant of the show, what it does is it takes your average B- or C-list celebrity, teams them with a professional dancer and then they perform different dances for a trio of judges. There's kinda-ethnic-supportive-woman judge,
stodgy-older-British judge and crazy-Italian-possibly-gay-or-just-REALLY-Italian judge. The scores the judges give are then factored into at home voting and the lowest scoring team for each week is eliminated. It's like American Idol with less warbling and fewer "dawgs".

Jerry Springer was in the competition this year, as was Tucker "Jon Stewart Called Me A Dick" Carlson and country singing sensation Sara Evans. The final three were Joey "Woah!" Lawrence, Mario "A.C. Slater" Lopez and Emmitt "The One Dallas Cowboy Not Arrested For Drugs" Smith. The final two came down to Lopez and Smith, after Lawrence (who, by the by, now sports a Mr. Clean dome) was bounced last week. Apparently American wasn't swayed by his 1920's sailor outfit. Fickle America, always forgetting its veterans.

Now, I could not stand Mario Lopez. First, there were the allegations that he did have professional dance experience prior to the competition, a strict no-no in the rules. Then there were the reprimands for breaking the dance rules during the actual competition. But beyond all that he was simply the most insincerely sincere person I had ever seen in a reality show competition. And, for the record, I watch Survivor and Real World/Road Rules, so I know what I'm talking about. A typical interview with Zach Morris' foil went like this:

"Gosh, I mean, I'm just so excited that people seem to like us. I mean, I think we're the best dancers out there, but you know, you've to got to- gee wiz, I mean, put it in God's hands and hope that all the great people out there watching us like what we did. I mean, I worked really hard on this, and I think you can tell we're the better dancers, but I just (suddenly slips into Mexican accent) hope that the people out there will be by our side and, you know, vote with unity and conviction. (back to normal) But it's all in God's hands. I'm just really excited and lucky to be here."

Now, I don't hate Mexican people. I love Taco Johns and the music of Shakira as much as the next American, but every time I saw A.C. Slater's smug grin on the screen I wanted to punch him right between his mascara lined eyes. Not only for his attitude, but also for making it seem okay to wear pink tank tops to high school. Trust me, it is not okay! They will shove you in a locker for that and then eat your lunch while you're stuck in there, including the pudding your mom had put in there just for you! ... umm, this kid I know, knows a- a guy that it... happened to. In Canada.

So I was hoping that Mario and his rather manish-looking dance partner would not win. And apparently God, who is that all that is, heard my unspoken prayer and He came through in a big way. Not only did Emmitt win, callers looking to vote for Mario were actually rerouted to a woman in Missouri. If that's not a divine response, I don't know what is.

Now if the Lord could just do something about Dustin Diamond. If anyone deserves a divine smiting it's Screech for making a "Saved By The Bell" themed porno.

Amen.

NICE TRY KLEIN

Calvin Klein tried to kill me today.

Yeah, I'm not too surprised either.

Many of you, my faithful Star Worz audience, may not know this but, Calvin Klein and I have a pretty long standing feud going on with each other. It's a long, torrid tale with many an insulted mother and thrown punch, so I won't bore you with the details. Let me just say this though, if a design mogul can't actually prove his parents were married before his conception, he shouldn't be throwing lamps at internet journalists. Especially because that was a Baptism party we were at.

Back to the story, I was reading my latest issue of Maxim magazine today during my lunch break. Yes, I read Maxim magazine. Why? Because it combines two of men's biggest id desires. Beautiful women that you'll never actually meet, and who you'd be shot down by if you somehow did meet them, and really cool, really expensive items you could never, ever afford to have unless you were a big wig CEO. Which you aren't, because, well, look at you, you're reading Maxim on your lunch break. The only way they could top themselves is if they printed the magazine on Bacon Cheeseburgers. I'd buy so many issues a month I'd have to live out of my car. Strike that, out of my parents' car.

Now Calvy, as he hates to be called, knows I read Maxim magazine. He learned that lesson the hard way when we were golfing one weekend and he tried to cheap out on a game of Greensies. (Note: A Maxim, or any other thick magazine, when rolled up, makes for a devastating club weapon.) So he devised a rather cunning little trap for me. As I was flipping through the pages absentmindedly, my focus on my sandwich and "Newsradio" re-runs, I suddenly felt a slice across my finger. I looked down to find that I was bleeding all over the place.

Calvin Klein, that son of a bush pig and purveyor of lies, had slipped an ad for his new fragrance in the issue, the razor sharp corner of which had cut me squarely across the knuckle of my pointer finger. The pointer finger, my finger of accusation that had been flung on many occasion in Calvy's direction. It was his handiwork alright.

Looking down I could see the blood pouring out of a gash so deep there were tourists lining up to take burro rides to the bottom. It was only my cool headedness and quick thinking that prevented me from losing the finger, which, at this point was basically hanging by the joint alone. Quickly binding the wound with a band-aid I went to the window just in time to see a Ford Festiva with the license plate "CKWON" tear up the street. Once again Calvy's attempt on my life had been thwarted, but just barely.

I know Calvin Klein reads this blog. Or rather, he has people read it to him. He has the education of a third grader and the personal hygiene of a mudfish. I just want him to know that I am still alive and it will take a better man than him to send me to my final resting place.

The score is now-
CK 14
Star Worz 37

Oh, and I finally rented "A Man Apart" Cal, you were wrong, it totally sucks. And you suck just for liking it. And for the record your new fragrance smells like wet dog.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

1. You are a man who owns a CB radio. You wind up getting into an argument with a fellow CB enthusiast. Do you-
a) Brush the whole thing off. After all, the world's full of all kinds.
b) Call him a nasty/derogatory name, go outside, kick something.
c) Carry on a CB feud for 6 years.

2. You wake up one Saturday morning six years later and turn on your CB radio. Your hated rival announces over the airwaves that he's going to go pick up a gift at the Apopka, South Florida Wal-Mart. Do you-
a) Ignore it. Maybe even turn off the CB for a change.
b) Call him a nasty/derogatory name, go outside, kick a small animal
c) Go on the CB and announce you're going to the Wal-Mart as well "to settle your dispute and that you would have something for him"

3. You arrive at the Wal-Mart. You spot your rival across the parking lot. He gets out of his vehicle and begins walking towards your truck. Do you-
a) Get out of the truck and use this opportunity to finally meet and begin healing.
b) Call him a nasty/derogatory name, get out of your truck, kick him in the shin.
c) Get out of the truck, bringing your can of Mace along.

4. Uh-oh. Guess who brought a gun to a Mace fight. Do you-
a) Beg. Run. Maybe wet yourself a little.
b) Call him a nasty/derogatory name, kick him in the gun.
c) Mace him in the eye-holes.

SCORING:
Each a) answer is 1 point, b) is two and c) is three
1-5: Good for you. You've obviously got more going on in your life than CB radios and Wal-Mart parking lot brawls. Probably not a significant other though, you're kind of a push-over.
6-9: You've got quite the mouth on you, sailor. But your tendency to kick your problems to a solution is going to get you in trouble. Might I suggest working in a punch or two from time to time?
10-12: Congratulations, you are Paul Goldman! Your inability to let things go, coupled with a quaint 19th century notion of personal defense not only wastes a lot of your time, but got you SHOT IN THE HEAD. Don't worry though, it was just a flesh wound. Enjoy your time in the Orange County Jail.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CALL US NERDS

-What was the name of the game you were playing?
-Well, right now I'm playing Chrono Trigger. Look out! A tidal wave!!
-No, the game, the, uh, with the swords.
-Chrono Trigger has guns. Look, Circle Slash!!
-It's not Chrono Trigger. You're not playing it right now.
-Final Fantasy?
-What was the title of the game you lost?
-I haven't lost any Final Fantasy games.
-Sure you did. You know, the Doom one, with the dice.
-Dungeons and Dragons?
-No, it had doom in the title.
-The game's not called Final Fantasy, it's called Dungeons and Dragons.
-So, what was the one you lost then?
-Dragon of Ruby.
-No, not the one you wrote.
-You wrote your own D&D game?
-Uhhhh... no.
-Yes he did. He was so proud of it too.
-Doom Dragon of Ruby?
-No, just- it was just Dragon of Ruby. And it was just a side quest.
-Well that doesn't have doom in the title.
-You're thinking of Tower of Doom and Shadow Over the Star
-Tar of Doom?
-Tower of Doom?
-Who would be scared of Tar?
-I don't know. That's why it's Tower of Doom.
-I thought maybe it was a name.
-Who would name someone Doom?
-No, Tar Of Doom. You know, like "I am TAR OF DOOM!"
-Tower. It's Tower. It's a Tower of Doom.
-Built out of solid Doom?
-No, bricks.
-They have bricks in D&D?
-Yes, they have bricks.
-Must be some magic bricks to be made out of pure doom.
-It's the Tower of Doom because there's a lich in it that's draining the life out of all the villagers.
-Why don't they move?
-I don't think it matters when you're a lich.
-I'd move.
-Well good for you.
-Should I even ask what a lich is?
-Please don't.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 11-8-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "defended" as in "We sure defended marriage yesterday!"

In 1788, when the Constitution was ratified, Article I, Section 2 said that black people were only worth 3/5 of a white person. This was the result of a massive compromise between the Northern states and the Southern states. Southerners needed to be able to count their slaves as people so that the North wouldn't overwhelm them with representatives in the House. At the same time, neither the North nor the South was rushing to recognize blacks as human as it was kind of hard to rationally explain beating, enslaving, raping, etc your fellow human beings. So the 3/5 Compromise was proposed by James Wilson and both the white North and the white South went home more or less happy. Blacks didn't get much of a say in the matter. I'm sure they were happy just to be slowly inching towards "human".

In 1857, Dred Scott lost his case against Sanford, with a decision that said not only were black slaves not considered citizens of the United States of America, but free blacks were not considered citizens either. Chief Justice Roger Taney wrote in his majority opinion that "all men created equal" did not, in fact, refer to "all men" but rather white men, who were the ones that "framed and adopted this declaration". Freed blacks, abolitionists and the word "all" were understandably upset by this ruling.

In 1865, the 13th amendment abolished slavery. Fortunately the Klu Klux Klan started up the same year, to make sure blacks didn't enjoy their new found freedom too much. Three years later the 14th amendment would grant citizenship to all Men born in the U.S. *cough*exceptIndians*cough*. Maybe if Sitting Bull, Geronimo and the like had gotten themselves made into slaves, they would have been free by then. That's really poor planning on their part.

In 1896, the Supreme Court said that blacks and whites didn't have to co-exist, as long as things were equal between the two. For some strange reason black equal and white equal would never quite see eye to eye.

In 2006, we as Americans look back on these acts with shame. At least we should. We enslaved, tortured and dehumanized our own brothers and sisters because in our minds we were able to justify it, either through the Bible, or through pseudo-science. We were scared, and so we acted out of fear and hate, to preserve "our" way of life.

I am blessed to have a wide circle of friends who are all smarter than I am. One of them, Craig, mentioned in the weeks leading up to this election that just as we now look back with horror and disbelief at the way our forefathers treated non-whites, future generations will look back at this day and age and feel the same shock and anger at our treatment of homosexuals.

Just some recent examples:

In 1993, homosexuals, who were willing to voluntarily enlist in the military to defend our country, were told "Sure, sign up! But you better pretend you're straight for your entire term of service, or we'll kick you right out." This was considered a step forward. Before this you were asked if you were heterosexual when you enlisted, and if you said no, you were not allowed in. Because, as we all know, being gay affects your ability to follow orders, carry a backpack, or fire a gun.

In 1996, President Clinton signed into effect The Defense of Marriage Act. This was a great boon for marriage, which had been getting the crap kicked out of it by homosexuality for quite some time. The act stated that no state was required to recognize a same-sex marriage, even if that marriage was recognized elsewhere. Vacation plans for same-sex couples suddenly became much more of a headache to plan out.

And now in 2006, Wisconsin, along with South Carolina and Virginia, has passed a state amendment to limit marriage to only one man and only one woman. This prohibits legal rights for both same-sex couples as well as different-sex couples who are not married. So, if you're homosexual and sick, you should probably marry your partner's sibling so they can still visit you in the hospital.

Wisconsin. Good old Wisconsin. We agreed to "Defend Marriage" by more than 58%.

I don't understand how this happened. Wisconsin is the state that gave the country the Republican party. A party committed to a) stopping the spread of slavery and b) smaller government. Republicans talk about getting government out of people's business, but apparently when they say "people's business" they actually mean "business" and not home life as well.

Wisconsin is the state that helped kick off the Progressive movement. "Fightin'" Bob LaFollette was our governor. We passed the nation's first worker's compensation law in 1911. Our state motto is "Forward!"

Wisconsin elected Russ Feingold to the Senate. Russ Feingold was The Only Senator to stand up to the Patriot Act and say that something was wrong with a bill that strips away people's civil liberties in the name of security. Wisconsin re-elected Russ Feingold by 12% over his conservative opponent 3 years later in 2004. Wisconsin has two Democratic Senators, a Democratic Governor, an openly gay female Representative and a partridge in the gosh darn tree. But almost 3 out of every 5 people in this state don't believe that homosexuals should be allowed to be married.

Is it the word marriage that scares people? Several times when I hear arguments for defending marriage it seems to sound like Pastor Earl Vorpagle out of Ashwaubenon, "I have no problem with people having equal rights under the law. I just don't want it termed marriage."

Why? Why the hell not? It's a word, just a silly little word. We sure don't take it seriously as heterosexuals judging by the 40% divorce rate this country has, so why should it become such a big deal when gays and lesbians want in on the action? Are people afraid it will make them less special if everyone is allowed to say "I do"? I don't know, I wish I did. I wish I could tell you all "this is what we need to do" and then it could be done and everyone would be happy. But I can't. I couldn't even if you clicked on the ad every day (yes that was a plug, but it's still good advice).

People like to say "Hey, I've got nothing against anyone. But the Bible says homosexuality is a sin." Ohhhh right. I forgot. The Bible. You're not a racist, God told you to keep the black people in chains. You're not murderers, God told you the entire country was just for the white people. You're not homophobic, God told you to hate homosexuals.

God freed the Israeli slaves from the ruling power of Egypt. God blessed the barren with children. God sent down 10 Commandments to live by. God sent his son to dine with whores and thieves and thugs. God sent his son who said "The greatest of these [commandments] is love." God did a lot of things. But God did not write the Bible.

What's that? "Blasphemy!"? Okay, okay, you're right. I'm wrong. God wrote the Bible. And we should follow it word for word. So remember don't touch the skin of a pig. And remember to not eat dairy and meat in the same serving. Remember to send all the women out of town when they're having their period. Remember every 10 years to put all of your possessions into a town-wide pile for equal distribution. Remember to only have sex for procreation and to only have sex with your married husband or wife.

And remember "what ever you do to the least of these, you have done to me."

Hopefully it won't be another 200 years before we finally figure that out.

A-MUSING

I was watching Carlos Mencia on Sunday night. I didn't mean to watch him, I was over at a friend's house and we just sort of stumbled upon it. It wasn't his show, thank goodness. His show, in my opinion, is not very funny. Especially when it serves as a constant reminder that Dave Chappelle USED to have a show and it USED to be hysterical, and then he went crazy/not crazy/crazy on drugs/to Africa/all of the above and now all we're left with is "Mind of Mencia" and "Drawn Together".

Carlos Mencia, like Dane Cook, is one of those comedians that you can use as a litmus test for whomever you're dealing with. You will usually not get a wishy-washy answer on either of these two. It's either, hysterical or blows-so-hard-they-affect-weather-patterns. Personally, I like Dane Cook. I realize it's become the "cool kid" thing now to hate him, but I remember when he was doing 5 minute bits on Premium Blend about the rest room. I thought he was funny then and I still find him amusing now. Maybe it's all the fame that seems to be suddenly thrown his way. I don't know. I think he's worked for it. He certainly has worked his butt off to get his name out there. If these are the rewards he's reaped for that effort, good for him. If he truly is nothing but crap painted gold and polished up and we've all been fooled into making him a superstar... well good for him there too. That's one on the board for him. It's the same reason I can't get too mad at Nickleback. Sure, I don't think they're a great band. Sure, they have three songs: Ballad, Fast and Half-fast. Sure, their lead singer looks like he went 10 rounds with the Ugly Tree. But darn if they don't sell. Congrats to them on figuring out what the people want and giving it to them.

But back to Carlos Mencia. I don't really like him. I don't find him all that funny. I don't know if I'm offended by it, I don't usually listen long enough for that to happen. I just think his jokes are stupid. But on Sunday I was watching his stand-up special and I was actually laughing at parts. Turns out, the guy can actually tell a funny story.

And then it all went to pot again. First, any time he talks about women he sounds like the most recently dumped, booze filled, frat boy ragging about how all women are b****es who are trying to change and dupe men away from being "real men". Now, I'd like to consider myself a real man- wait let me check- yup still there, and I got bored of his bit in about 5 seconds. Sadly, he went on for about 5 minutes and then revisited the topic for his ender. His ender, by the way, consisted of him yelling about how he's a man while shoving his hand down his pants, pulling it out, and smelling it. ... ... ...

Riiiiiight. Preach on Carlos.

Second, and maybe this is just me, but if you spend 2 minutes telling a joke, then 10 minutes defending why you can tell that joke, then another 5 minutes defending why you shouldn't have to defend your right to tell that joke, topped off with another 3 minutes defending the joke, maybe, just maybe, the joke isn't that great in the first place. And that's how I got to watch him do 30 minutes about why handicapped jokes are okay. It was basically an extended "some of my best friends are..." excuse.

Preach on Carlos.

Do they still give out Cable Ace awards? If so, I'd like to nominate "Mind of Mencia" for one. Boy, I bet that'd be a great acceptance speech. Just don't try and play him off the stage early, because otherwise he'll never get to mention that he's Mexican. I bet you didn't know that, did you?

BIT OF ADVICE

Not to tell our more conservative members of this country how to run their organizations, but here's just something I've been kickin' around the old Star Worz building.

-If you see someone rising in the ranks of your organization, ask them how they feel about a polarizing topic. The more vehement their response, the less you want them in charge of your group.-

Ex:
RIGHT
You: Hey Ted, how do you feel about homosexuality?
Ted: Eh, I'm not crazy about it, but I figure live and let live.
You: Congratulations, you're our new president.

WRONG
You: Hey Mark, what do you feel about men having gay affairs with underage boys.
Mark: I THINK THEY SHOULD BE STRUNG UP FROM TREES AND THEN THE TREES SHOULD BE CHOPPED OUT FROM UNDER THEM AND THE WHOLE THING SHOULD BE SHOVED INTO A WOOD CHIPPER THAT SHOOTS INTO A VOLCANO.
You: Okay, good answer. Say, who are you texting?
Mark: uhhhhh nobody? *shifty eyes*

WHOOPS

From: God Almighty
Heaven

RE: Lost Prayers

To Whom It May Concern,

It has come to My all knowing attention lately that some of My beloved's prayers have recently been found floating in the water off the coast of New Jersey. For that I would like to express My deepest apologies. Between the World Series, upcoming elections and the on-going war in Iraq, We have just been swamped with prayer requests. It has been necessary, therefore, to shift extra heavenly servants into the prayer answering department. It is believed that one of these newer angels was responsible for the loss after disposing of the prayers in error, thinking they had already been answered. This is, of course, no excuse and as All That Is, Was, and Ever Will Be, I accept full responsibility for the misplacement of these prayers. If your prayer was one of the ones returned in error, you may resubmit it to Heaven with no penalty. Our business hours are Sundays from 7 a.m. to Noon, with additional hours available on Saturday in the evening for your convenience.

I would also like to apologize for the letters ending up in the Atlantic Ocean. As you know over 70% of the planet I created for you is water, but that is no excuse. The Alpha and The Omega knows when He is in the wrong, and this is one of ... well, actually, the only time. Hopefully the last. Cross your fingers. How are those working out for you anyway? Good? I certainly hope so.

Please, as always feel free to contact Me if you experience any further prayer problems. Remember however, that I am The Great I Am and exist outside of your sense of "time". So please allow 4-6 business weeks for a response, 6-9 weeks during the winter holiday season.

Be Excellent To Each Other,
God

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 11-1-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "limitations" as in "A man's gotta know his limitations."

Let me ask you a question. Say you're going to rob a liquor store. You plan the whole thing out all James Bond-y/Mission: Impossible style. Forget coming in the door. You're coming in through the roof like something out of Boondock Saints, right? So you wait until the store is closed and you make your entrance, and man what an entrance you make. BAM-O! Ceiling to Floor, 3 seconds, no stops. But that's not enough to stop you, you're a man on a mission. So after a quick minute or 5 laying on the tile floor you get back to business. And that business is robbery. And that business is goooood.

With me so far? Okay, so you've popped the cash register like the top of a longneck on a Friday, right? And you grabbed a couple of packs of smokes because, well, you've got a habit, but you're man enough to admit it. Now it's time to make like a tree and get the heck out of there. Exit stage left.

The only problem is the door doesn't want to cooperate. Plexiglass, the poor man's glass, is giving you more problems than a one armed man in a Cat's Craddle competition. No prob Bob, back out the roof. 4 minutes later, when you once again pick yourself up off the tile, you realize that you're going to need a plan B. And the "B" better stand for "Breaking Down That Door".

So first you grab a Beer Keg. Doesn't matter what kind of beer. Blatz, Milwaukee's Best Ice, Hamm's, whatev. Metal vs. Glass, Metal always wins. Toss! KLUNK! Man, your science teacher was full of crap, no wonder it took you three tries to get that GED. Well what tops beer keg? Hand cart. With the wheels you can really get that up to a pretty high rate of speed. CHARGE! KLUNK! Plexiglass is unimpressed and now you've got a bruised shin. Well what tops a hand cart? Short answer: Nothing. Long answer: Noooooooothing.

So now you're locked in a liquor store. No escape. They've got you on the surveillance camera robbing the place. What do you do? What can you do?

As Aristotle said when he was sentenced to death, "Smoke 'em if you've got 'em." Which is just what Larry Bynum did.