WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 2-28

Today's word is "ego" as in "This will certainly check your ego."

Three Scottish teenagers, just hanging around, doing the Scottish teenage thing, saw a man leaving a pub. They decided that it would be a good idea to rob him. What a great idea, three on one, the guy's coming out of a pub at night, easy pickings, right?

So the trio pushed the man against the wall and demanded his money.

Ego Check Number 1:
The man, in his own words, "went mad.... I stood up and was kicking them all."

That's right, three on one, and the one is mopping the floor with you.

Ego Check Number 2:
"I pushed one and kung-fu kicked the other between the legs."

Now not only is your victim mopping the floor with you, but he's also just kicked one of you right in the old Jack o' Lanterns.

Ego Check Number 3:
The three teens fled the scene, leaving the man and his money behind.

So, just to review, three strapping teenagers attempt to attack a lone man, leaving a pub. He not only fights back, he keeps the money and "kung-fu" kicks one of them in the crotch. How could things get more embarrassing for these three young men?

Ego Check Number 4:
The man in question is 100 years old.

TANI'S TALES PART 1 (of 2)

Tani, one of the first Star Worz-iors, lives what could be called, if you were being kind, an interesting existence. Every now and then she likes to write about her encounters. As she herself says, these stories are better suited for a site like Star Worz than her own blog "I'll Get You My Pretty...", where she chronicles the adventures of internet idiots cruising the personals for idiot love. Tani and I are currently working on the outline for a book based on her site. It should be in the stores... before you know it. (there, that's vague enough)

Besides picking on idiots, Tani loves nothing more than being selected to Craigslist's "Best Of List" for her stories. So, if you enjoy the following story (and even if you don't) click here and then click on the "Best Of" marker in the upper right corner. Tani thanks you, her neighbors thank you, and I thank you.

Without further ado, here is "Sound Carries Funny: An Adventure In Mass Housing" by Tani.

So my neighbors and I have a relationship that is… not well. I live in a corner apartment in a complex. Across from my apartment is a concrete wall. Sound carries funny. So when I heard my neighbors having their semiweekly domestic brawl at 3 a.m. a month ago, I called the cops. Normally, I ignore their drama, but this time, she was shrieking, "You're choking me! Accck acccck Icantbreathe aaaccckkk!" and I figured I better at least give the local bubbas a heads up. Personally, I wish he'd just finish the job, but, as she is so fond of screeching at him, "You're not good for ANYTHING! You are USELESS!" I figured he'd just screw it up like he apparently screws everything else up, and I figured mediation might be in order. I told 911 it was the apartment ABOVE me, but like I said, sound carries funny. As it turns out, the brawlers live BELOW me. Long story short, the guy above me was hauled out of bed by insistent police knocking at 3 am, thrown down on the ground, cuffed, and his apartment searched while the couple below me, oblivious, kept choking each other. And I was too sheepish to call in a correction. Besides, if "Mr. Useless" really was trying to snuff his screechy girlfriend, it would have been accomplished LONG before San Diego's Finest appeared, so it was probably her usual histrionics.

At any rate, Karma kicked in this week, and the people above me got me back – without ever knowing I was the cause of their late-night rude awakening.

So I was sitting out on my balcony last Thursday, typing on my laptop, feet up on the railing, when I hear a sudden commotion. I hear people running around in the apartment above me, I hear a woman screeching, I hear a MAN screeching, and I hear another guy laughing wildly.

Then I hear the most frightening words in the English Language. "KILL IT! KILL IT! HURRY, BEFORE IT MOVES! KILL IT!"

I pause in my typing and look up at the bottom of the balcony above me. I sit with eyeballs raised for a moment, and then my attention deficit disorder kicked in and I went back to my typing.

Then I hear someone, (clearly a Liberal) scream, "NO! DON'T KILL IT! CAPTURE IT AND SET IT FREE OUTSIDE!"

Good Lord.

More running. More thumping. Then… "GOT IT! GOT IT! OPEN THE DOOR! QUICK!"

More shrieks. Then the screen door above me is flung open. With one final "EEEEEEK!" something is apparently lobbed overboard. I hear a male voice.

"See? We didn't have to kill it…this is much more humane th…"

At that point I stopped listening, because at that point, a tarantula landed on my foot.

Okay, in all truth, it probably was not a tarantula. It definitely had 8 legs, it definitely had way too many eyeballs to be normal, it definitely was HAIRY, and it was about two inches long. I think it was wearing a hairbow, and it possibly was even wearing a tiny little pair of tarantula reading glasses. I don't know. My glimpse of it was pretty quick.

As calmly as I could under the circumstances, I tried to think of a witty, sardonic reply like they do in the movies. I came up with "AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAaaaAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAA!"

And I may have punctuated that with the occasional blasphemy.

Now, I have to segue here for a moment. Just about 2 weeks ago, I had a cursory conversation with my mother on the phone. She was insistent that I purchase a gun and a carrying permit because a) I go camping a lot. B) I am a single female living alone and c) I am a blonde female living less than 20 minutes from the Mexican border and she is POSITIVE that I am going to get sold into the white slave trade and D) I live in the 8 th largest city in the nation.

I tried to argue that the white slave trade, if it still exists, is NOT actively pursuing sarcastic, pudgy, women in their late twenties who clear 6 feet in shoes with thick soles. She didn't buy it.

Whatever. THIS is the ultimate reason I don't need to be packing heat. If I had had a gun on me when that spider landed, I would have shot my foot off first and THEN asked questions later.

The spider, most likely as perturbed as I was, decided his best option was to move. He just didn't know where. If he had asked, I could have offered a few suggestions, but he apparently didn't speak English (this happens a lot in border towns, btw.)

So he went for what looked like the safest area. Up the leg of my jeans. I haven't gotten out of my pants so fast since Spring Break 2000. But that's another story.

I shuck the trousers, and bolt inside for the broom. Apparently the spider has taken a liking to me, and it followed me in. I turn around, broom in hand, to see the spider calmly standing on the wall near the ceiling of my living room. I approach, broom at the ready.

Up closer, I had to do the spider dance FOUR times to make sure I had gotten the "willies" out of my system before I swung. I am sure the neighbors across the courtyard LOVED the sight of the hysterical blonde running around in her unmentionables wielding a broom and screeching at her wall.

And yes, I bashed the boogers out of that spider. ALL OVER THE WALL. My security deposit? It's gone. My peace of mind? Priceless.

Now, my question for everyone is this… do I leave the spider guts on the wall so future (bleeeaggghhh) spiders see it and know this is not a safe zone? Or do I clean them off and try to put this whole traumatizing incident behind me? Because that involves touching spider guts, which I would like to avoid.

And to my neighbors? I am sorry I called the cops to the upstairs place by mistake.

Oh, and in the future, keep the yelling to a minimum, okay?

Oh, and ejecting spiders is not more humane; come see my wall if you don't believe me.

Oh, and die in a fire. All of you.

And there you have it. Look for Part 2 of Tani's adventures soon. And don't forget to vote.

FUNNY GIRL, I HARDLY KNEW YE

What happened to Diane Keaton?

She used to be cool, right? Or at least, not insane? I don't know, what's why I'm asking.

If you were one of the millions (they said billions, but let's be honest) watching the Oscars last night, and if you stayed until the end of an unnecessarily drawn-out, nearly 4 hour ceremony, you saw Diane Keaton present the Best Picture Oscar to The Departed. She had a waist that a four year old could encircle and a pair of glasses, that may have had, if my eyes weren't fooling me, fake eyeballs painted on them. To make matters worse, she was flailing her arms around after every name she read. And they weren't even good flails. It was like she'd get half-way into a flail and then think "screw it, I'm tired" and just leave her arms hanging in the air.

What the heck happened to her?

She used to have it together. She used to be hot. Remember The Godfather? She was good in that. I've never seen Annie Hall but I know she was Annie F. Hall. That's gotta count for something, right?

And then, in 1996 she starred in The First Wives Club as a divorcee who had degenerated into a nutball shrew. At least that's how I remember the movie. And it was at that moment that I realized I was no longer going to like Diane Keaton.

Her career, since then, has included these roles:
The Other Sister where she plays an overbearing mother who freaks out constantly over her handicapped daughters attempts to have a life.
Something's Gotta Give where she plays a fuddy-duddy overbearing mother who freaks out when she finds out her daughter is sleeping with Jack Nicholson (a common reaction) then sleeps with Jack herself (another common occurrence) only to spend the next 20 minutes crying and shrieking over her laptop.
The Family Stone where she plays, you guessed it, an overbearing mother. At least this time it's her son she's worried about more than a daughter.
And, most recently,
Because I Said So where she plays a mother who not only allows her daughter to live her own life, but actively encourages her to- to- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... I'm just kidding. Of course she overbears the heck out of Mandy Moore.

Now, I know there's a lot to be said about a lack of roles for women in Hollywood, especially after they pass 40, but the strain of repeatedly playing the same person movie after movie is slowly driving Ms. Keaton insane. She wears glasses stolen right out of Elton John's wardrobe, makes no sense when interviewed, and just generally appears to be in the middle of a never-ending nervous breakdown. According to imdb.com she has two more films in post-production, Smother and Mama's Boy. I think you can guess what part she plays. And with every year they're coming with increasing frequency. Someone get Woody Allen on the phone, because if he doesn't write her a quality part soon, she's going to come on stage at the next Oscars and just snap. And the show's already long enough without having to watch her be pulled down from one of the pillars and wrapped in a straight jacket.

...though if they cut one of the montages... hmmmm...

*RING* *RING*

Hello [name of company], how may I help you?
Who is this?
[Name of company]. How may I help you ma'am?
Oh, okay. I was calling for [completely unrelated company name].
Ohhhhhkay. Well this isn't [completely unrelated company name] this is [name of company].
So this isn't [company that isn't even in the same branch of mass media as us]?
No ma'am. We're [the fourth time time I've said our company name], we're a radio group. [Other group entirely] is a television station.
Radio??
Yes ma'am, we own [list of stations].
Ohhhhh, so this is the wrong number for [television, not radio, station].
Yes ma'am.
Oh, wait, that's okay. I didn't want to talk to them after all. I wanted to call you guys.
What can I do for you then?
Can I speak to someone with [same television station as before, but by call letters this time].
Ma'am. That's still a television station. We have nothing to do with them. We are a radio company. [Yet another repetition of company name].
Oh.
Yeah.
So I can't talk to someone from [separate company, in separate building, miles away from us]?
I could give you their number if you'd like.
No, that's okay.
....
Is there someone there I can talk to?
Regarding what ma'am?
We'd like to have someone come in and speak about the media for our class.
I can put you through to our program director ma'am.
Well I was hoping for someone who was on the air.
He is on the air ma'am. And any requests for visits need to go through him.
Okay, I guess that'll do.
Okay, his name is [name] I'll send you to his extension.
Thank you. And he'll be able to talk about working in television?
.... I'll transfer you now.

LOST'S BIG ANSWERS TO BITE-SIZED QUESTIONS

On last night's episode of "Lost", they answered three big questions. Wait, no, that's not dramatic enough. They answered THREE. BIG. QUESTIONS (that's better) Now, of course, they weren't going to answer anything too earth shattering, for example, what is the smoke monster, because as the producers have said, those are the BIG mysteries and you don't give away the answers to BIG mysteries until the end of the story. And the middle of season three is never the end of the story. Unless you're an idiot.

So instead we got three minor questions answered. (SPOILER ALERT)
...
...
...
*ahem* anyway,
1) What do Jack's tattoos mean?
Jack's tats were first mentioned in season one. Honestly, I've seen enough tattoos in my life that I wasn't incredibly curious, but apparently there were some people who were. Turns out they mean "He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us", which basically marks him as the next Phantom. Time to put on some purple tights and get fitted for a skull ring.

While "He walks amongst us..." is a fine thing for a tattoo to say, and is certainly relevant considering Jack is going to be living side-by-side with The Others for the foreseeable future, that that's all they mean is a little bit of a let down. Especially since the second tattoo, the much cooler one with the 5 and the star, was never explained (drunken night in Vegas perchance?). How much cooler would it have been if it had translated into "Never Put Your Trust In Others" or even better, "See You In Another Life"? Now that would have blown some socks off.

2) What happened to the people taken by The Others?
This question, while it's good to have answered, was even more anti-climactic than the tattoo question. If you have eyes and have been watching Lost for the entire run then you'd already know that Alex was taken by The Others and is alive, as is the child with the Teddy Bear from the tail section. So we know they don't kill the kids. As for the adults, well last week's preview showed us that they're still walking around as well. Also, to be nit picky, the show didn't actually tell us WHAT happened to the people that are taken, they just showed that they're still alive. Which, again, we already knew before last night.

#3) ... um...
Yeah, I have no clue what question number three was supposed to be. There wasn't anything earth shattering enough to bring to mind "oh yeah, I was WONDERING when that would be explained". So, instead, I'm forced to come up with my own possible third question based on things that were answered this week.

3a) Do The Others have backyards?
Answer: Yes.

3b) Is guest star Bai Ling attractive?
Answer: No. Between that striped piece of hair hanging in her face that I kept mistaking for a bird feather and the metric ton of blue eye make-up she was wearing, I can only assume she was the only woman IN Thailand that would lead Jack to wind up with her. You had a smokin' hot wife, who you cheated on with by kissing an even MORE smoking Italian woman, and THIS is the best looking woman you can find in Thailand? C'mon Jack.

And not to slam just her physical looks, but some "ability to see" who people "really are". You're a great leader Jack, but that makes you afraid and alone and angry. Well duuuuuuh. In the month you've been together he's probably told you he's a spinal surgeon, so right there you've got to assume he's got some leadership skills. He's an American living alone in Thailand in a hut on the beach, so you can guess that he's lonely. And he's currently slamming you against the wall of your own tattoo parlor with the stink of booze on his breath. Yeah, maybe he's angry, MAYBE. Matt Murdock would make a better psychic.

3c) Did anyone else go to the same "Creepy Voice" Vocal Coach that Ben did?
Answer: Yes. Boy, that Sheriff will give you the willies. But they must be putting Ritalin in her water supply or something for all the emotion she showed.

3d) Can Alex do any darn thing she pleases on the island?
Answer: Apparently. She helps free Claire. She pops out of the bushes and shoots people in the NECK with a slingshot. She has her boyfriend broken out of imprisonment. She breaks security cameras on a whim. And as far as we know she has been reprimanded a total of zero times. Talk about nepotism. Especially considering she's not even Ben's real daughter.

3e) How does Jack prefer his sandwiches?
Answer: Grilled.

3f) Do The Others know how to "mark" a person?
Answer: Yes and no. Burning someone with a big symbol is a good start. But the small of the back? Are you kidding me? If you want to mark someone so that everyone knows it, you put it on the face or the forearm or even the hand. You know, somewhere visible? What kind of deterrent is a tramp stamp?

Those are the questions that Lost answered yesterday. Earth shattering? Not really. Personally, I'd watch Lost even if it was just an hour of Hurley fishing while Locke whittled sticks nearby, I like the show that much, but at the same time, don't base your promo around "THREE BIG ANSWERS" unless it's going to actually be "THREE BIG ANSWERS". Is that too much to ask?

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 2-21-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "80's" as in "When in doubt, re-make an 80's movie".

Indiana Jones 4 is coming. Die Hard 4 will be in theaters soon. Rocky 6 has already happened. Rumor has it that Beverly Hills Cop, Rambo and Mad Max all have additional instalments in the works as well.

In response to this the L.A. Times did some brainstorming and came up with a number of 80's films and franchises that should be revised. I'd tell you what they are, but I've got better things to do than register with the Times just to read their precious internet article. Now if they had an ad banner, say in blue, at the top of their page, I'd happily click that. Because that's just the sort of person I am.

I don't really need to know what movies they think should be revived, because I've got my own ideas. Here are the Top 5.

1)Back To The Future
Why: Great theme music, an awesome mode of transportation, and the ability to set the movie in any time period would allow for both a comedy/adventure as well as the opportunity for some sly social critiquing. Doc's sons, Jules and Vern, are perfect protagonists, as they are only kids at the end of the third movie. Aging them would allow for a reasonable explanation why Marty is no longer the main character. Bonus point- they could finally pronounce Gigawatt correctly. I didn't know Doc Brown was wrong until my senior year of High School.

2)Porky's
Why: Before American Pie, there was Porky's. The simple tale of teen boys trying to have sex with girls is something that rings as true today as it did in the 80's. It was also the third highest grossing movie of 1982. So it's got that going for it, which is nice. A couple of CW heartthrobs+a handful of actresses willing to take off their shirts=license to print money. That no one has gone back to Porky's bar since 1985 is just a darn shame. (note: Apparently Howard Stern is possibly involved on a new Porky's. If the King of All Media thinks it's a good idea, who are we to disagree?)

3)Police Academy
Why: Hear that sound? That ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching sound? That's the sound of the money Reno: 911 is making off of television, DVD sales and upcoming movie tickets. Time for the original idiots of law enforcement to come back "In Full Force" (which would be a great Police Academy movie title). I could shoot this movie in a weekend during the summer when the MadTV cast is free. And honestly, I bet you could get Guttenberg to star in it for food money.

4)Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
Why: They travel through time in a phone booth. They play heavy metal music. They beat The Grim Reaper in a game of Twister and then defeated their robot doubles. They gave us the simple truth of "Be Excellent To Each Other". We know what their future holds, but not how they get there. It's time for another road block to be thrown their way. Get Keanu Reeves and Alex "Not Keanu" Winter back in the parking lot of The Circle K and have Rufus set them out on another "[descriptive word] [synonym for travel]".

5)The Land Before Time
They've already made ELEVEN of them. May as well make it an even Dozen.

DUTCH'S STORY

My name is Dutch, and I'm Cobra Kai. You probably don't know me, but you should. I'm the greatest thing that karate's ever seen and I'm the greatest thing you'll ever know in your miserable little life.

I get a bad rap because of how I did in the big karate tournament. Sure, I lost to Daniel LaRusso, but so did everyone else, numb nuts. That's why he's champ. And the only reason I lost was because I was seeded poorly. The tournament officials were afraid to hand the trophy off to old Dutch, so they stuck me with a crappy 9 seed, meaning I was fighting EVERYONE before I even got to Danielle LaRusso. Get it? Danielle? Cause his name is Daniel, but Danielle is a girl's name. So what I'm inferring is that he's a girl. Don't nod your head like you know what's up, cause you don't. Nod like that again and I'll infer a roundhouse kick to the side of your stupid looking head. Danielle is a wicked burn, because, just like me, there's no defense against it. What are you going to say? "Your mom?" Whatever. It's unstoppable, like me, Hurricane Dutch. I came up with that one off the top of my head. I came up with all of the good lines. "Get him a body bag"? That was mine too. As soon as Johnny slammed old Danielle in the knee I said "you might as well get him a body bag", and then that jerkoff Bobby yells it out loud like he thought of it. I showed him though, he took my line, I took his ability to properly filter urine through his kidney with a devastating sidekick in the parking lot after the match. Of course no one saw that awesome move because they were too busy watching the old Asian guy trick our Sensei into punching a bunch of car windows. What a dope.

So yeah, after fighting half of California, they put me up against Danielle. I told them I had something in my eye, but they don't want to hear it. Whatever, they're just jealous because they know their daughters, wives, and even mothers all want to go "Double Dutch" if I gave them the opportunity. Take a number ladies, take a number.

Even with the odds stacked against me, I come out like a monsoon shot out of a bazooka. That's how I do it. Kara-te means "empty hand". Dutch-te means "I am going to beat you with my hands. And my feet." POW-O! Right to Danielle's pretty boy face. But do I get a point? No. Of course not. Why? Some pansy rule about not being able to hit someone in the face. pffft rules. First rule of Dutch-te: If I can punch you in the face, guess who's getting punched in the face? You.

Next thing you know I'm getting kicked in the chest and like that, I'm out of the tournament. Did I land the first shot? Hell yes. Does that matter to these knobs? Hell no. So I'm stuck like a goof standing on the sidelines watching the rest of the tournament.

The Sensei then has Bobby take out LaRusso's knee. I could have done that. I would have loved to have done that. But does Baby Bobby want to do it? No, he's all, "I could get disqualified", and then as soon as it's done, he's all "I'm sorry Danny, boo-hoo, my mascara is running I'm crying so hard, I'm so sorry, if it had existed in 1984 I would write about this on my live-journal, boo-hoo." What a sissy. Of course he tried to be tough later, when he stole my body bag line like I said early. Man, just thinking about it is getting me pissed off. I should call him up, and then back punch him through the phone. That'll show him. Way to take him "out of commission" Bobby. LaRusso was back up and not just walking, but fighting five minutes later. What a hack.

And then there's Johnny Lawrence. Johnny "King Cobra Kai" Lawrence. Johnny "Look How Dreamy My Hair Is" Lawrence. Johnny "I Can't Sweep A Leg Worth Spit" Lawrence. You can't beat a guy with one leg? How the hell did you become our leader when you can't beat a guy with one good leg? That's like losing the Boston Marathon to a girl in a wheelchair. No, shut up. It's exactly like that. Don't question it. Rule two of Dutch-te: Don't question it. Including what "it" is. That's a questions. All questions will be answered with a front kick to the sternum.

Johnny our fearless leader versus The One Legged Deck Sander. Then Danielle goes up on one foot and boom! Crane kick to the face, game over, Danielle is the new champ. How do you fall for that? Of course he's going to kick you with his other leg, who doesn't see that coming? The guy in the 80th row of the bleachers saw that move coming! Stevie Wonder, in a recording studio, on the other side of the state, saw that move coming! If LaRusso'd tried that move on me I would have kicked him in the head. With his own Foot.

After losing the trophy to Danielle, after disgracing the entire Cobra Kai dojo to someone who practices Yard Work Fu, what does Johnny do? Does he get right back up and snap LaRusso's leg like a pretzel rod? Does he gather up the rest of the Cobra Kai and jump LaRusso in the parking lot? Does he commit seepuku in the middle of the ring? No, he grabs the mother loving trophy and he hands it to Danielle! If that don't beat all. It was like someone had just jump kicked my heart right into my guts. "You're all right LaRusso"? No, you're a pansy that got kicked in the face Johnny. Try not to cry all over your dress.

Is it any wonder we lost the tournament? I'm surrounded by losers and lame-os. The Dutch Oven can only bring so much heat to the table. Even a rocket of karate explosion needs booster rockets to lift off. That's Rule number three of Dutch-te. Learn it, live it, love it.

NO MERCY!
COBRA KAI!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Today is the one year anniversary of the internet sensation "Star Worz". Presents are not necessary, just click on the ad above at the top of the page once a week for the month. That's all the gift I need.

Well, that and a copy of this new video game I was playing today. It's one of those text based games like Zork. This one is called "Flight To Canary Island". It plays something like this:

>You are at an Mauritanian airport. To the north is a gate for >the flight to The Canary Islands.
Walk N
>You are on a plane to The Canary Islands.
>The plane takes off.
>You are sitting in the fifth row.
Stand
>The pilot has not turned off the "Seatbelts" light
Wait
>The pilot has turned off the "Seatbelts" light
Stand
>You are standing in the fifth row
Change plane course
>Not a command
Say change plane course
>No one is listening
Demand change plane course
>No one is listening
Draw two automatic pistols
>You have no paper
Pull out two automatic pistols
Say change plane course
>Everyone is listening. To the north is the cockpit. To the south >are the bathrooms and kitchenette. To the east and west are >wings.
Go N
>You are in the cockpit. There is a pilot.
Point two automatic pistols at pilot.
>Pilot asks "what do you want?"
Tell pilot.
>.... tell pilot what?
Say change plane course to Paris
>The plane can not go to Paris
Say go to Paris
>There is not enough fuel to go to Paris
Say go to Paris
>You will crash and die
Say go to Djala, Morocco
>You can not go to Djala, Morocco
Demand go to Morocco
>Permission refused by Moroccan authorities
Use two automatic pistols on Moroccan authorities
>Are you going to shoot them through the radio?
Go to Canary Islands
>Pilot begins to speak
Listen
>Pilot is speaking French to crew and passangers
Listen
>You do not speak French
Listen
>"Gobbidly Gobbidly Le Gobbidly Goop"
Translate
>You Do Not speak French. To the south you hear water >starting to boil.
Ignore
>Might be important.
Point two automatic pistols at pilot
>You already are.
Point harder
>Whatever you say Chief. The pilot is landing the plane.
Exit plane
>Landing. You are not yet on the ground.
Stand
>The "Seatbelt" light is on. Everyone is sitting down and putting >on their seatbelts.
Stand
>The pilot lands the plane.
>The pilot suddenly accelerates the plane.
>You have fallen down due to the sudden acceleration
Stand
>You have lost your balance.
Use two automatic pistols
>You have dropped one of your automatic pistols.
Use one automatic pistol
>Six men rush the cockpit and throw a pot of boiling water on >your chest.
Use herb
>You do not have any herbs. They also throw boiling water on >your groin.
Use heal
>You are not magic.
>Six men are gangpiling on you.
>The police arrive.
This sucks
>Command not understood.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 2-14-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "snow" as in "There's a band called Snow Patrol."

If you don't know who Snow Patrol is, you probably know the song that's become their big hit here in America. It's called "Chasing Cars" and was featured on the uber-show "Grey's Anatomy". "Let's waste time, chasing cars... if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" That's their song.

It's not a bad song. It's catchy, it's got a good beat and you can dance to it. However, it was also a HUGE hit, as happens to any song "Grey's Anatomy" touches (see also The Fray's "How To Save A Life" and, soon, Regina Spektor's "Fidelity"). And since it was a HUGE hit, it was being played on the radio all the time.

Quick peek behind the curtain: I work in radio. When a song is a "hot hit" or "in heavy rotation" it is played, on average, every 2 to 3 hours. Jen and Skip can back me up on this. The reasoning is that popular songs are popular and people want to hear them, and since not everyone spends 8 hours a day by the radio, you want to play the song often enough that a casual listener will be able to hear it, so every 2 to 3 hours is the industry standard. Out here our Top 40 station plays a hit about ever 2 1/2 hours. In some of the bigger cities it's every 2 hours. (Good experiment, listen to your local Top 40/Hot AC station for a day. When they play Daughtry's "It's Not Over" look at your clock. Then look when it plays again. Five'll get you ten it's within 3 hours.)

If you listen to the radio a lot, as I do, this means a song can start to wear on you. Back in High School I had Citizen King's "Better Days" ruined for me in one night when I heard it 3 times in a 5 hour span. On The Same Station. My mother had a similar experience on a road trip years ago when America's "Horse With No Name" first came out. Every time they lost a radio signal and switched over, the new station would moments later start up "Horse With No Name". There was no escape.

We have three Top 40 stations in this market, so you take a song like "Chasing Cars" that's being played about 8 times a day on one station and you multiple that by 3 and basically at any hour you could probably turn on your radio and hear "if I lay here, if I just lay here..." And that's just when it's Programmed to play, that doesn't even factor in requests and Top 10 hours and other "spikes" in airplay. So first I got to know the song, and then I got to like the song, and then I got burned out on the song. For example: The singer never changes his voice. If you stripped away the music, it would be the same monotone voice over and over and over again. And what sort of romance plan is laying around? If you love this woman so much, you should DO something, not just say "Hey, if I flop down here and take a nap like the lazy sod I am, would that be cool with you?"

So that's what my relationship with Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" was like at the beginning of July when my friends Ken and Sarah were married. At the reception, just like every reception at the time, the D.J. put on "Chasing Cars" as one of the slow dance songs. Also at this reception was a girl named Julie. I had known Julie for maybe 4 months at this point. I had tricked her into taking me out to lunch in May and we'd hung out a couple of times, playing Dr. Mario at her apartment. She was wearing a dress with little white polka dots on it and was sitting with Mike, who everyone sorta assumed was kinda her boyfriend. Mike was not asking her to dance. So I asked her, and she said yes. I then proceeded to spend the entire song telling her how much I hated "Chasing Cars". Romance, thy name is Matt.

I kissed her for the first time 11 days later. We've now been going out for 7 months.

When I was single, as I was for a loooooong time, I would listen to songs on the radio and think "that'd be a good 'our song' song." I had hoped it be something like Sting's "Fields of Gold" or Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's "It's Your Love". Maybe my fantasy girlfriend would be a big 80's fan and When In Rome's "The Promise" would make the cut. I didn't know. I know this though, when I first heard "Chasing Cars" I didn't think "yes, that's it. That's a song I want on the soundtrack of my life." But it is. "Chasing Cars" is our song.

At least, it's my song for her. Because when I hear it I think of her, and how she's my favorite person in the whole world. It's probably going to sound stupid, and let's face facts, most romantic gestures, looked at by an outsider, ARE stupid, but when I hear the song, if I keep the radio on it and I listen to it, in my head it's like telling her that I love her. She obviously wouldn't know, because she's not there 95% of the time when the song comes on, but, I don't know, it feels like I'm showing her how much I care none the less. Like I'm proving to some invisible jury how true my love really is.

So the song that I was most tired of has become one of my favorties, because it reminds me of her. I love you Julie, and I know that those three words are said too much, they're not not enough, but it's true and I mean it more every day.

-Matt

I GIVE YOU A WARNING

Lock your doors.

Hide your children.

Load your weapons.

Stockpile your food.

The vehicles are coming.

Let me repeat, the vehicles are coming. And they are going to kill all of us. Young, old, man, woman, all races, all creeds and all kinds will soon fall before the fury of the coming onslaught.

How it came to this I don't know, I only know that it is coming. Don't believe me? Let me remind you of last week's Worzala's Wednesday Word. 3 people in 6 months killed by cars or buses. Last week I scoffed at such things. Last week I was a naive fool. Now I speak with the gravelled voice of knowledge and the wide-eyed eyes of horror.

Look no further than across the ocean for more proof.

"She wasn't paying attention."

She wasn't paying attention? She wasn't paying attention???

No, my friends, no. There is "not paying attention" and there is "murdered by a train" and This is most definitely the later. I do not care who you're talking to on the phone or what sort of food you are eating, you do not just walk around a railroad crossing gate and in front of a speeding train. I could be talking to my future self eating re-issued Pac-Man cereal with my eyes closed and I still would know a train is coming. It's a TRAIN. It shakes the earth! The gate goes "Clang! Clang! Clang!" and flashes red lights! There is no explanation as to how she could miss these warning signs. No explanations, except for the truth. The terrible, catastrophic truth. That young woman was murdered by that train. But do not weep for her, good reader, for she is one of the lucky ones. She is already gone and will not have to witness the apocolypse that is nigh approaching.

The vehicles are coming. And they are coming to rule.

Just as the dinosaurs were killed by man 65,000 years ago, man is soon to be wiped from the earth by the new dinosaurs. Metal ones, with teeth of chrome and hearts of flaming gas.

We cannot win. What possible hope could we have? Who can out run a car? Who can out fight a train? We cannot flee. To where? There is no shelter. Take to the sky and the planes will get you. Dive to the depths of the sea and a boat will be your undoing. This is Maximum Overdrive but for real. This is the episode of "Transformers" Hasbro never let air. But instead of pictures rendered to show motion, it will be our all too mortal bodies rendered to create vehicle domination.

The Age of Man has passed, Come Now The Age of Machine.
May God Have Mercy On Us All.

SPACE: THE FINAL DUMPING GROUND

This week Lisa Nowak, NASA Astronaut, was arrested and charged with attempted murder, after driving across the country from Texas to Florida and attacking a fellow astronaut, Colleen Shipman, with pepper spray. Shipman was able to fight off Nowak, but it is alleged that if Nowak had succeeded in kidnapping Shipman she would have proceeded to murder her, potentially to death, with the contents of a black duffel bag which included a steel mallet, a buck knife and a loaded BB gun. Nowak is currently out on bail and has been suspended by NASA from all work, including space flights, until she is cleared of the charges before her.

Some people think this is a good idea. Some people are idiots.

Do I think we should be sending Lisa Nowak back into space? Short Answer: Yes. Long Answer: Hell Yes.

Have you ever seen space? It's vast and cold and without any breathable air. You've got to eat dehydrated food, pee in a tube, and if you step outside without a giant suit and helmet on you'll find your eyeballs bursting as your blood boils over like an unattended vat of pasta.

And the only way to get to this wonderland of frozen death? Why, strap yourself to a giant gas tank, light the fuse, and blast yourself into the atmosphere, that's how. Oh, is that all?? Let me ask the wife, maybe we can squeeze a trip in this weekend! You ever see Apollo 13? You ever hear of Columbia or Challenger or Apollo 1? The Gremlin runs neck and neck with the space shuttle for least safe mode of transportation. At least you could make out in the back seat of a Gremlin, good luck trying that in space.

Space is a perfect place for an alleged attempted murder! What's the worst that happens? They were going to send Lance Bass into space, remember? Nowak has at least had NASA training. And last I checked she on trial for being a crummy human, not a crummy astronaut. She's not going to try and murder the lunar lander or anything because it's been making eyes at the booster rockets. Worse case scenario, something goes wrong and she dies in space, what's been lost? A psychotic, diaper wearing, revenge fueled, alleged attempted murder machine. B-o-o H-o-o. It'll be like the old days all over again. You think they packed the Mayflower with the best and brightest minds Europe had to offer? Heck no. They shoved it to bursting with religious nutjobs who they were just happy to have out of their hair, sail or sink.

NASA should use Nowak to springboard a new "Dirty Dozen" style division of their space program. They could be used to colonize Mars, or shot out into deep space with what ever new "hyperdrive" engine NASA's working on these days. If you lose them, it's not like the Boy Scout/Mensa scholar population is going to decrease back here on Earth. It's our tax dollars at work whether she's sent to prison or shot into Outer Space, I say we get our money's worth.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 2-7-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "fine" as in "If you do not display fine common sense, you may face a fine." That's according to this article off of Yahoo News!

According to the article, New York State Senator Carl Kruger wants to introduce legislation this week that will make it a finable offense to use "gadgets such as Blackberry devices and video games while crossing the street." This is after three separate instances in the last 6 months of people being distracted by their electronic devices and being killed when they step out into traffic and are struck by a vehicle.

Now, I know not everyone had the same upbringing I did, but when I was a child I was taught that you always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS look both ways when you cross the street. It didn't matter if your baseball was rolling down the road, or if you were just going to go get the mail, or if you were running late for school. If you were going to cross the street you looked both ways, and then you looked again just to be on the safe side. This has become so ingrained in my mind, that I not only continue to look both ways before crossing the street, I look both ways when crossing one-way streets just, you know, in case some idiot can't read a "Do Not Enter" sign.

That was in Wisconsin. If we saw 20 cars driving down our street in a week, someone must have been having a party. This is New York City, New York County, New York state. The town invented gridlock and the crazed, curb jumping cabbie. What idiot is thinking "well, I should look before I step out fully into the street, but Mario isn't going to stomp these goombas on his own"?? Apparently three of them! And that's just the one's that have been killed. Think of the untold numbers who have been clipped by cars or nearly hit by a speeding bus.

What really makes me laugh is that this legislation is being presented in New York. New "You Lookin' At Me?" York. The city where you know you're lucky if a bum doesn't urinate on you after some transient steals your wallet while another guy stabs you in the liver with a sharpened spoon, is now playing Mother Hen, making sure you put away your noisey doo-dads before stepping into the crosswalk. What's next? Fines for not tying your shoes? Or for not washing that smudge off your face? Is New York going to spend all Thanksgiving dinner wondering out loud why you didn't settle down with that nice girl from the laundromat? What was her name again? Betsy? Becky? Bethany! What ever happened to her? Well you must have some idea, young man.

Look. All video game systems come with a pause button. Books can be marked. Ipods can be turned down. And anyone that can have a conversation on a phone should be capable of saying "Hold on a sec" to buy themselves the trio of milliseconds needed to assess the traffic conditions. No matter what sort of Star power your video game character might have, or how banging the latest Fergie beats are, or how deep in conversation you are about "like, did you see Jenny's skirt?", you do not have a personal force field device. If a car hits you, you will get hurt. If a bus hits you, you will get hurt worse. So look both ways when you cross the street, it'll make Momma New York happy. If you can't be bothered to do this? Then the government shouldn't have to step in when Darwinism decides to snuff you out.

Oh, and would it kill you to call once and a while? You remember Brian Braddick? He calls New Hampshire every Monday night, like clockwork.

WHY AREN'T YOU POSTING ON YOUR LIVEJOURNAL?

I mean, seriously, what is the deal with this? Where's the new content? I'm trying to kill twenty minutes here and you can't even throw me the tiniest scrap of a bone?

What happened to the girl you were trying to go out with? You know, "A" from the Coffee Shop? Last I read you were going to ask her to see Babel. That was in... cor, I can't even find it in the "recent archives" link. Is Babel even still in the theaters? I don't think it is. So you must have gone! So, what's the scoop? Even if you chickened out (like you did with C.D. from the gas station) you could still put that up.

What happened to you? You used to be so reliable. You were updating 3,4 times a week. And when Jodi finally broke up with you? Forget about it! I would read your latest heart wrenching, guilt ridden post, go off to lunch, come back and find another melancholy opus on your page. I could almost taste the schadenfreude dripping off the screen. It was delectable. You had me at "Currently Listening to Panic! At the Disco's 'This Is Not A Real Song Title But You'd Never Know It Because All Of Our Song Titles Are Nonsense (Hip 80's Reference)'" and you didn't let go. I was loyal and faithful and this is how I'm repaid?

Look at Sprinklefairycocomonster8's page. New content twice a week, rain or shine, sometimes literally. Look at yesterday's post. "Wurd, iz it cooooooold out. Got new boots. Super KUTE!! Swttt. Brendan is calling tonight. x0x0" See that? She probably squeezed that out between text messages and Yu-Gi-Oh commercial breaks. That's all I'm asking, a little update, is that so much to ask?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to come down on you, I know you've got it rough. Your parents won't let you go to Chicago for that Avenged Sevenfold concert, and your dad is making you drive the '00 BMW to school instead of letting you dive the new Pathfinder. At least, that's what the situation was when you last mentioned it. Do you realize the last time you talked about your driving status was October? I remember because you were still trying to figure out what you were going as for Halloween, Dr. Who or Indiana Jones. What'd you pick anyway? You never mentioned it. You spent 4 weeks talking about the Halloween party you were throwing and how "J" was going to be there, and then... nothing. I checked every day for an entire week and you never once mentioned the party. How do you think that makes me feel? :0( That's how that makes me feel!

It's February now. You haven't updated your page in almost two months! Am I supposed to honestly believe nothing happened to you during Christmas? Or New Year's Eve? Not one line's worth of interesting information?? C'mon, you're killing me here!

Okay, I just needed to get that off my chest. I hope you're doing okay, and I hope the weight is still coming down. Are you jogging? Remember how I left that comment that you should try jogging? Remember that? The good times? Huh?

Well, whatever, do what you want, it's your livejournal. I'm off to read PeteWentzLuvre. Her Canadian boyfriend just broke up with her and she's 4 months pregnant with his kid. Now that's entertainment.

PEYTON MANNING

In the lead-up the Super Bowl, I've heard a lot of things about the Colts and quarterback Peyton Manning. Here are just a few of them:

--The state of Tennessee was founded so Peyton Manning would have a place to play college football.

--Peyton Manning is the NFL all time Touchdown passer. He is merely letting Dan Marino hold it for the moment.

--Peyton Manning put the bob in the bob-sha-bob.

--Peyton Manning's wild gesturing at the line is actually detailed love notes to all of his deaf fans.

--When the ultrasound was done for Peyton Manning, he had a twin brother. When Peyton was born, the twin was gone, and in its place was a football. Which Peyton Manning then threw across the room. It would have gone further, but he was only 2 minutes old.

--Peyton Manning is no longer allowed to play defense after punching an opposing offensive lineman with his fist. The Lineman's fist.

--Peyton Manning once accidentally killed a man with a football. He then threw a second football so hard it went into orbit, circling the earth until it reversed the planet's spin, turning back time and bringing the man back to life.

--Peyton Manning is the inspiration for the end of Superman: The Movie.

--Peyton Manning holds the high school record for most interceptions in one game. In his defense, the passes were landing in another stadium.

--Peyton Manning eats two Burger King Quad Stackers every morning to tide himself over until his Denny's Grand Slam Skillet is served.

--Peyton Manning knows what you're thinking right now. And yes, he does believe that would be awesome.

--In the off season Peyton Manning operates his own petting zoo. The only exhibit is a live T-rex.

--Peyton Manning is the reason you cannot use your hands in soccer.

--Peyton Manning did it. But you'll never be able to prove it.

--Peyton Manning has a level 80 Shaman in WoW, and that's his secondary character

--Peyton Manning builds robots in his spare time.

--Peyton Manning once went camping in Alaska, got frostbite and lost two of the fingers on his right hand. Through sheer force of will, he taught himself to grow two new fingers.

--Peyton Manning cannot ever be put on trial, because you could never find twelve of his peers.

--Peyton Manning was begged not to join the NHL for fear he would revolutionize the game beyond all recognition.

--Peyton Manning is the mind behind the Budweiser frogs. To date, it is his greatest failure.

--Peyton Manning can win a game of Monopoly in under 10 minutes.

--Peyton Manning will leave the Super Bowl with a Super Bowl ring, whether he wins or loses.

--Peyton Manning is everyone's first round fantasy draft pick. Even God's.

--Peyton Manning doesn't fly in the team jet to games, he tethers a ball to each arm and then throws.

--Peyton Manning knows I am writing this, and will stop me when I start lying.

--Peyton Manning is all that is man and 1/9 all that is woman.

--Peyton Manning gets a nickle any time someone says "Man up".

--Peyton Manning is the Alpha, pray that he is not the Omega as well.