FUNNY GIRL, I HARDLY KNEW YE

What happened to Diane Keaton?

She used to be cool, right? Or at least, not insane? I don't know, what's why I'm asking.

If you were one of the millions (they said billions, but let's be honest) watching the Oscars last night, and if you stayed until the end of an unnecessarily drawn-out, nearly 4 hour ceremony, you saw Diane Keaton present the Best Picture Oscar to The Departed. She had a waist that a four year old could encircle and a pair of glasses, that may have had, if my eyes weren't fooling me, fake eyeballs painted on them. To make matters worse, she was flailing her arms around after every name she read. And they weren't even good flails. It was like she'd get half-way into a flail and then think "screw it, I'm tired" and just leave her arms hanging in the air.

What the heck happened to her?

She used to have it together. She used to be hot. Remember The Godfather? She was good in that. I've never seen Annie Hall but I know she was Annie F. Hall. That's gotta count for something, right?

And then, in 1996 she starred in The First Wives Club as a divorcee who had degenerated into a nutball shrew. At least that's how I remember the movie. And it was at that moment that I realized I was no longer going to like Diane Keaton.

Her career, since then, has included these roles:
The Other Sister where she plays an overbearing mother who freaks out constantly over her handicapped daughters attempts to have a life.
Something's Gotta Give where she plays a fuddy-duddy overbearing mother who freaks out when she finds out her daughter is sleeping with Jack Nicholson (a common reaction) then sleeps with Jack herself (another common occurrence) only to spend the next 20 minutes crying and shrieking over her laptop.
The Family Stone where she plays, you guessed it, an overbearing mother. At least this time it's her son she's worried about more than a daughter.
And, most recently,
Because I Said So where she plays a mother who not only allows her daughter to live her own life, but actively encourages her to- to- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... I'm just kidding. Of course she overbears the heck out of Mandy Moore.

Now, I know there's a lot to be said about a lack of roles for women in Hollywood, especially after they pass 40, but the strain of repeatedly playing the same person movie after movie is slowly driving Ms. Keaton insane. She wears glasses stolen right out of Elton John's wardrobe, makes no sense when interviewed, and just generally appears to be in the middle of a never-ending nervous breakdown. According to imdb.com she has two more films in post-production, Smother and Mama's Boy. I think you can guess what part she plays. And with every year they're coming with increasing frequency. Someone get Woody Allen on the phone, because if he doesn't write her a quality part soon, she's going to come on stage at the next Oscars and just snap. And the show's already long enough without having to watch her be pulled down from one of the pillars and wrapped in a straight jacket.

...though if they cut one of the montages... hmmmm...