LOST'S BIG ANSWERS TO BITE-SIZED QUESTIONS

On last night's episode of "Lost", they answered three big questions. Wait, no, that's not dramatic enough. They answered THREE. BIG. QUESTIONS (that's better) Now, of course, they weren't going to answer anything too earth shattering, for example, what is the smoke monster, because as the producers have said, those are the BIG mysteries and you don't give away the answers to BIG mysteries until the end of the story. And the middle of season three is never the end of the story. Unless you're an idiot.

So instead we got three minor questions answered. (SPOILER ALERT)
...
...
...
*ahem* anyway,
1) What do Jack's tattoos mean?
Jack's tats were first mentioned in season one. Honestly, I've seen enough tattoos in my life that I wasn't incredibly curious, but apparently there were some people who were. Turns out they mean "He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us", which basically marks him as the next Phantom. Time to put on some purple tights and get fitted for a skull ring.

While "He walks amongst us..." is a fine thing for a tattoo to say, and is certainly relevant considering Jack is going to be living side-by-side with The Others for the foreseeable future, that that's all they mean is a little bit of a let down. Especially since the second tattoo, the much cooler one with the 5 and the star, was never explained (drunken night in Vegas perchance?). How much cooler would it have been if it had translated into "Never Put Your Trust In Others" or even better, "See You In Another Life"? Now that would have blown some socks off.

2) What happened to the people taken by The Others?
This question, while it's good to have answered, was even more anti-climactic than the tattoo question. If you have eyes and have been watching Lost for the entire run then you'd already know that Alex was taken by The Others and is alive, as is the child with the Teddy Bear from the tail section. So we know they don't kill the kids. As for the adults, well last week's preview showed us that they're still walking around as well. Also, to be nit picky, the show didn't actually tell us WHAT happened to the people that are taken, they just showed that they're still alive. Which, again, we already knew before last night.

#3) ... um...
Yeah, I have no clue what question number three was supposed to be. There wasn't anything earth shattering enough to bring to mind "oh yeah, I was WONDERING when that would be explained". So, instead, I'm forced to come up with my own possible third question based on things that were answered this week.

3a) Do The Others have backyards?
Answer: Yes.

3b) Is guest star Bai Ling attractive?
Answer: No. Between that striped piece of hair hanging in her face that I kept mistaking for a bird feather and the metric ton of blue eye make-up she was wearing, I can only assume she was the only woman IN Thailand that would lead Jack to wind up with her. You had a smokin' hot wife, who you cheated on with by kissing an even MORE smoking Italian woman, and THIS is the best looking woman you can find in Thailand? C'mon Jack.

And not to slam just her physical looks, but some "ability to see" who people "really are". You're a great leader Jack, but that makes you afraid and alone and angry. Well duuuuuuh. In the month you've been together he's probably told you he's a spinal surgeon, so right there you've got to assume he's got some leadership skills. He's an American living alone in Thailand in a hut on the beach, so you can guess that he's lonely. And he's currently slamming you against the wall of your own tattoo parlor with the stink of booze on his breath. Yeah, maybe he's angry, MAYBE. Matt Murdock would make a better psychic.

3c) Did anyone else go to the same "Creepy Voice" Vocal Coach that Ben did?
Answer: Yes. Boy, that Sheriff will give you the willies. But they must be putting Ritalin in her water supply or something for all the emotion she showed.

3d) Can Alex do any darn thing she pleases on the island?
Answer: Apparently. She helps free Claire. She pops out of the bushes and shoots people in the NECK with a slingshot. She has her boyfriend broken out of imprisonment. She breaks security cameras on a whim. And as far as we know she has been reprimanded a total of zero times. Talk about nepotism. Especially considering she's not even Ben's real daughter.

3e) How does Jack prefer his sandwiches?
Answer: Grilled.

3f) Do The Others know how to "mark" a person?
Answer: Yes and no. Burning someone with a big symbol is a good start. But the small of the back? Are you kidding me? If you want to mark someone so that everyone knows it, you put it on the face or the forearm or even the hand. You know, somewhere visible? What kind of deterrent is a tramp stamp?

Those are the questions that Lost answered yesterday. Earth shattering? Not really. Personally, I'd watch Lost even if it was just an hour of Hurley fishing while Locke whittled sticks nearby, I like the show that much, but at the same time, don't base your promo around "THREE BIG ANSWERS" unless it's going to actually be "THREE BIG ANSWERS". Is that too much to ask?