DUTCH'S STORY
My name is Dutch, and I'm Cobra Kai. You probably don't know me, but you should. I'm the greatest thing that karate's ever seen and I'm the greatest thing you'll ever know in your miserable little life.
I get a bad rap because of how I did in the big karate tournament. Sure, I lost to Daniel LaRusso, but so did everyone else, numb nuts. That's why he's champ. And the only reason I lost was because I was seeded poorly. The tournament officials were afraid to hand the trophy off to old Dutch, so they stuck me with a crappy 9 seed, meaning I was fighting EVERYONE before I even got to Danielle LaRusso. Get it? Danielle? Cause his name is Daniel, but Danielle is a girl's name. So what I'm inferring is that he's a girl. Don't nod your head like you know what's up, cause you don't. Nod like that again and I'll infer a roundhouse kick to the side of your stupid looking head. Danielle is a wicked burn, because, just like me, there's no defense against it. What are you going to say? "Your mom?" Whatever. It's unstoppable, like me, Hurricane Dutch. I came up with that one off the top of my head. I came up with all of the good lines. "Get him a body bag"? That was mine too. As soon as Johnny slammed old Danielle in the knee I said "you might as well get him a body bag", and then that jerkoff Bobby yells it out loud like he thought of it. I showed him though, he took my line, I took his ability to properly filter urine through his kidney with a devastating sidekick in the parking lot after the match. Of course no one saw that awesome move because they were too busy watching the old Asian guy trick our Sensei into punching a bunch of car windows. What a dope.
So yeah, after fighting half of California, they put me up against Danielle. I told them I had something in my eye, but they don't want to hear it. Whatever, they're just jealous because they know their daughters, wives, and even mothers all want to go "Double Dutch" if I gave them the opportunity. Take a number ladies, take a number.
Even with the odds stacked against me, I come out like a monsoon shot out of a bazooka. That's how I do it. Kara-te means "empty hand". Dutch-te means "I am going to beat you with my hands. And my feet." POW-O! Right to Danielle's pretty boy face. But do I get a point? No. Of course not. Why? Some pansy rule about not being able to hit someone in the face. pffft rules. First rule of Dutch-te: If I can punch you in the face, guess who's getting punched in the face? You.
Next thing you know I'm getting kicked in the chest and like that, I'm out of the tournament. Did I land the first shot? Hell yes. Does that matter to these knobs? Hell no. So I'm stuck like a goof standing on the sidelines watching the rest of the tournament.
The Sensei then has Bobby take out LaRusso's knee. I could have done that. I would have loved to have done that. But does Baby Bobby want to do it? No, he's all, "I could get disqualified", and then as soon as it's done, he's all "I'm sorry Danny, boo-hoo, my mascara is running I'm crying so hard, I'm so sorry, if it had existed in 1984 I would write about this on my live-journal, boo-hoo." What a sissy. Of course he tried to be tough later, when he stole my body bag line like I said early. Man, just thinking about it is getting me pissed off. I should call him up, and then back punch him through the phone. That'll show him. Way to take him "out of commission" Bobby. LaRusso was back up and not just walking, but fighting five minutes later. What a hack.
And then there's Johnny Lawrence. Johnny "King Cobra Kai" Lawrence. Johnny "Look How Dreamy My Hair Is" Lawrence. Johnny "I Can't Sweep A Leg Worth Spit" Lawrence. You can't beat a guy with one leg? How the hell did you become our leader when you can't beat a guy with one good leg? That's like losing the Boston Marathon to a girl in a wheelchair. No, shut up. It's exactly like that. Don't question it. Rule two of Dutch-te: Don't question it. Including what "it" is. That's a questions. All questions will be answered with a front kick to the sternum.
Johnny our fearless leader versus The One Legged Deck Sander. Then Danielle goes up on one foot and boom! Crane kick to the face, game over, Danielle is the new champ. How do you fall for that? Of course he's going to kick you with his other leg, who doesn't see that coming? The guy in the 80th row of the bleachers saw that move coming! Stevie Wonder, in a recording studio, on the other side of the state, saw that move coming! If LaRusso'd tried that move on me I would have kicked him in the head. With his own Foot.
After losing the trophy to Danielle, after disgracing the entire Cobra Kai dojo to someone who practices Yard Work Fu, what does Johnny do? Does he get right back up and snap LaRusso's leg like a pretzel rod? Does he gather up the rest of the Cobra Kai and jump LaRusso in the parking lot? Does he commit seepuku in the middle of the ring? No, he grabs the mother loving trophy and he hands it to Danielle! If that don't beat all. It was like someone had just jump kicked my heart right into my guts. "You're all right LaRusso"? No, you're a pansy that got kicked in the face Johnny. Try not to cry all over your dress.
Is it any wonder we lost the tournament? I'm surrounded by losers and lame-os. The Dutch Oven can only bring so much heat to the table. Even a rocket of karate explosion needs booster rockets to lift off. That's Rule number three of Dutch-te. Learn it, live it, love it.
NO MERCY!
COBRA KAI!
I get a bad rap because of how I did in the big karate tournament. Sure, I lost to Daniel LaRusso, but so did everyone else, numb nuts. That's why he's champ. And the only reason I lost was because I was seeded poorly. The tournament officials were afraid to hand the trophy off to old Dutch, so they stuck me with a crappy 9 seed, meaning I was fighting EVERYONE before I even got to Danielle LaRusso. Get it? Danielle? Cause his name is Daniel, but Danielle is a girl's name. So what I'm inferring is that he's a girl. Don't nod your head like you know what's up, cause you don't. Nod like that again and I'll infer a roundhouse kick to the side of your stupid looking head. Danielle is a wicked burn, because, just like me, there's no defense against it. What are you going to say? "Your mom?" Whatever. It's unstoppable, like me, Hurricane Dutch. I came up with that one off the top of my head. I came up with all of the good lines. "Get him a body bag"? That was mine too. As soon as Johnny slammed old Danielle in the knee I said "you might as well get him a body bag", and then that jerkoff Bobby yells it out loud like he thought of it. I showed him though, he took my line, I took his ability to properly filter urine through his kidney with a devastating sidekick in the parking lot after the match. Of course no one saw that awesome move because they were too busy watching the old Asian guy trick our Sensei into punching a bunch of car windows. What a dope.
So yeah, after fighting half of California, they put me up against Danielle. I told them I had something in my eye, but they don't want to hear it. Whatever, they're just jealous because they know their daughters, wives, and even mothers all want to go "Double Dutch" if I gave them the opportunity. Take a number ladies, take a number.
Even with the odds stacked against me, I come out like a monsoon shot out of a bazooka. That's how I do it. Kara-te means "empty hand". Dutch-te means "I am going to beat you with my hands. And my feet." POW-O! Right to Danielle's pretty boy face. But do I get a point? No. Of course not. Why? Some pansy rule about not being able to hit someone in the face. pffft rules. First rule of Dutch-te: If I can punch you in the face, guess who's getting punched in the face? You.
Next thing you know I'm getting kicked in the chest and like that, I'm out of the tournament. Did I land the first shot? Hell yes. Does that matter to these knobs? Hell no. So I'm stuck like a goof standing on the sidelines watching the rest of the tournament.
The Sensei then has Bobby take out LaRusso's knee. I could have done that. I would have loved to have done that. But does Baby Bobby want to do it? No, he's all, "I could get disqualified", and then as soon as it's done, he's all "I'm sorry Danny, boo-hoo, my mascara is running I'm crying so hard, I'm so sorry, if it had existed in 1984 I would write about this on my live-journal, boo-hoo." What a sissy. Of course he tried to be tough later, when he stole my body bag line like I said early. Man, just thinking about it is getting me pissed off. I should call him up, and then back punch him through the phone. That'll show him. Way to take him "out of commission" Bobby. LaRusso was back up and not just walking, but fighting five minutes later. What a hack.
And then there's Johnny Lawrence. Johnny "King Cobra Kai" Lawrence. Johnny "Look How Dreamy My Hair Is" Lawrence. Johnny "I Can't Sweep A Leg Worth Spit" Lawrence. You can't beat a guy with one leg? How the hell did you become our leader when you can't beat a guy with one good leg? That's like losing the Boston Marathon to a girl in a wheelchair. No, shut up. It's exactly like that. Don't question it. Rule two of Dutch-te: Don't question it. Including what "it" is. That's a questions. All questions will be answered with a front kick to the sternum.
Johnny our fearless leader versus The One Legged Deck Sander. Then Danielle goes up on one foot and boom! Crane kick to the face, game over, Danielle is the new champ. How do you fall for that? Of course he's going to kick you with his other leg, who doesn't see that coming? The guy in the 80th row of the bleachers saw that move coming! Stevie Wonder, in a recording studio, on the other side of the state, saw that move coming! If LaRusso'd tried that move on me I would have kicked him in the head. With his own Foot.
After losing the trophy to Danielle, after disgracing the entire Cobra Kai dojo to someone who practices Yard Work Fu, what does Johnny do? Does he get right back up and snap LaRusso's leg like a pretzel rod? Does he gather up the rest of the Cobra Kai and jump LaRusso in the parking lot? Does he commit seepuku in the middle of the ring? No, he grabs the mother loving trophy and he hands it to Danielle! If that don't beat all. It was like someone had just jump kicked my heart right into my guts. "You're all right LaRusso"? No, you're a pansy that got kicked in the face Johnny. Try not to cry all over your dress.
Is it any wonder we lost the tournament? I'm surrounded by losers and lame-os. The Dutch Oven can only bring so much heat to the table. Even a rocket of karate explosion needs booster rockets to lift off. That's Rule number three of Dutch-te. Learn it, live it, love it.
NO MERCY!
COBRA KAI!
posted by Matt Worzala at
1:51 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home