THE GAME SHOW IS MADE OF TUBES

I stumbled across a show called "Set For Life" Saturday morning on Network television. It was the only channel that wasn't currently trying to sell me a) God, b) Low Cost Real Estate or c) Both, so I watched the full episode. Jimmy Kimmel is the host. Really, that's all you need to know.

The show is genius. All you have to do is pull one of 15 plungers out of metal tubes. If the plunger has a white light on it, you gain another time span of $2,900 checks. You start off with one, then 3 months worth, then 6 months, then a year, then two years and so on until, if you're really lucky, you are "set for life". However, if you pull a red light, you not only move down a notch, you have to pull another plunger.

Meanwhile, you have a partner that's in a sound proof booth. At any time, provided you've just pulled a white light they can hit a red light and freeze your money. If you drop below that and/or crap out, you will still get that amount. At the same time, if you end up higher than that amount, the amount you were frozen at is all you will get.

The show is fun for three reasons. The simplicity, the lameness of the twin catch phrases "light it up", before each pull, and "four red... and you're dead" which Kimmel says each time before a number is chosen, and Jimmy Kimmel himself. I think he's supposed to be pithy and attempting to get in the contestants' heads, but he just comes across as bored. It's like someone told him he could get out of work early on Friday if he agreed to put in the extra time on the game show every Saturday morning. So he shows up in his suit, does his best not to yawn or make eye contact, and strolls around the stage being bored while the contestants are trying not to sweat themselves to death pulling out little colored lights.

The only thing that could make this better? Drinking game.

Though to be fair, everything is better when it's a drinking game.

THROW MICHAEL VICK A BONE

Michael Vick, quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, has recently been accused of sponsoring, gambling on, and raising dogs for the purpose of dog fighting. People are up in arms about this, saying he should be kicked out of the NFL, that he should be thrown in jail, all sorts of crazy things. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.

A man wants to hold dog fights, that's his right to do. People fight stuff all the time. Man versus Bear. Man versus Kangaroo. Man versus much better trained Woman Kickboxer. So a man wants to fight a dog? Let him! Especially if it's in his own back-

I'm sorry what?

That's not what dog fighting is?

Well, what is it then, if you're smart?

What?

To the WHAT??

Hold up, they train them by WHAT?!?

Now I'm confused. What would they need the taser for?

WHAT???

Oh. Oh, that's *ahem* a lot different than I thought.

Huh. I wonder if there's a way to rescind a letter to the editor.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 7-25-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "Doll" as in "The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the next Doll."

Why Doll?
Because apparently you still can't use the word "Whore" in your show title.

FRIDAY SP-OETRY

"its your life"
Hello
Hallo!

million
Summertime
Pictures

none
wholeheartedly
biological


"Try Your Hand"
Yo bro
Have fun
Fun dates

Lucky Winners
Lonely girls

Man up
Great deals
Date her

be august
Lonely girls

billionaire marijuana
Total confidentiality
No-strings

"Have my poll"
When I'm being torn by the forces, I just look at one or more of my cats
Faust said he's gotten used to his name but Galadrial said that people still don't know how to pronounce her name and school is almost over
It was because nothing daunted him that he had been chosen for government courier
What we don't know is whether it's because the disorder wasn't treated when it should have been, or was treated and the depression is a consequence of treatment, or it's a result of ADHD itself

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 7-18-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "muttering" as in, "If you go to see Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix with someone who has read the book, expect them to do a lot of muttering."

My girlfriend LOVES the Harry Potter series of books. So she was super pumped for the latest movie. As luck would have it, several of the people we know also LOVE Harry Potter, so we went as a big group on Saturday. Before it started she turned to Ken and said "Just so you know, I may be yelling in joy a lot." Then the movie started.

As the camera was panning in on the first shot I heard her softly say "This should really start...", then "that's out of order...", and then "that's not how this scene even...". And that was the first 10 minutes. At one point it became a constant stream of "Why did you even base the movie on the ****ing book if you're going to change everything??"

She knew that the movie might be trouble, she said as much as we left the house to go to the theater. "This is the shortest Harry Potter movie and it's based on the longest book, so it might not be good," is what she said. Turns out she was right.

One of the things that upset her the most, and I agree with this wholeheartedly, is that several times they took out parts of the story and replaced them with parts that the writer just made up. If you have to cut something for time, then cut it. Don't cut it out so you have time to stick in your own stuff. If you want to write about a boy wizard, or whatever, write your own book. My own personal story: I saw Episode II: Attack Of The Clones in the theater and spent the last 15 minutes or so pissed off because Anakin had had the "wrong" hand cut off. "In the BOOKS," I remember saying, "Mara Jade specifically told Luke that Vader had lost his hand as punishment for the first Death Star being destroyed. And those books are supposed to be CONICAL!"

It took 3 years before someone could talk me down from that. And I'm STILL irked by it.

Yet another reason I hope Watchmen never sees the light of day.

THEY TOOK THE CHURCH! THE WHOLE *&%$ING CHURCH!

England has decided to take former Prime Minister Winston Churchill off the required learning list at their secondary schools.

WINSTON FREAKING CHURCHILL!!

According to The Sun, "The decision to axe Churchill is part of a major shake-up aimed at dragging the national curriculum into the 21st century".

Most of England is, naturally, outraged by this turn of events. Also getting the axe were Hitler, Gandhi, Stalin and Martin Luther King. Here's a hint from a history major from "across the pond." If a historical figure can be recognized by just their last name, or in Martin Luther King Jr's name, his initials, they are PROBABLY WORTH LEARNING ABOUT!!

Churchill died in 1955. That's just 52 years ago, and you're just going to forget about him? He was alive when my parents were born, and you're just going to forget about him? There's "dragging the national curriculum" and there's "going insane". Guess which one THIS is!!

Just to chuck some hyperbole around. Churchill is one of the main reasons England was able to hang in there during WWII. You might remember that little skirmish fought across most of the civilized world. You might have heard about England having bombs dropped on its homes and factories DAILY. Churchill helped keep the people uplifted and motivated. And without England, there's basically no way America could have come in to help win the war. Unless we planned on staging D-Day from Nova Scotia.

Churchill did that. Churchill helped make it possible. Churchill took a country that was getting the snot kicked out of it daily and said "Hey, stop crying and buck up. We're going to handle this." Then he'd turn to Germany and go "Oh, I'm sorry, is that the best you can do? Well, I'm going back to my tea then. Call again, you know, when you've grown some testicles."

England doesn't think their children need to learn about this man any more. Good thing only 10 percent of the country think Hitler was fictional, or I'd be worried.

So, who's ready to scratch FDR out of our history books? Gotta make room for Creationism curriculum somewhere.

I AM FAIRLY INTERESTED IN REPORT CARDS

Well hello Iraq, how was your day today? What's that you're hiding behind your back? Is that your report card? That's right, I had almost completely forgotten. This week is your first report back to Congress since they agreed to keep pouring additional funding into the peace keeping efforts in your country. Well, let's take a look at it.

I said give it here. Young country, I am the United States of America and unless you are Dick Cheney, (that might take a bit to load) you must produce information when it is asked of you. Now hand over that report.

Now if I remember you had 18 categories you were being judged in.

Let's review quickly before I open this...

1) Forming a Constitutional Review Committee and then completing the constitutional review.

2) Enacting and implementing legislation on de-Baathification.

3) Enacting and implementing legislation to ensure the equitable distribution of hydrocarbon resources of the people of Iraq without regard to the sect or ethnicity of recipients, and enacting and implementing legislation to ensure that the energy resources of Iraq benefit Sunni Arabs, Shia Arabs, Kurds, and other Iraqi citizens in an equitable manner.

4) Enacting and implementing legislation on procedures to form semi-autonomous regions.

5) Enacting and implementing legislation establishing an Independent High Electoral Commission, provincial elections law, provincial council authorities, and a date for provincial elections.

6) Enacting and implementing legislation addressing amnesty.

7) Enacting and implementing legislation establishing a strong militia disarmament program to ensure that such security forces are accountable only to the central government and loyal to the Constitution of Iraq.

8) Establishing supporting political, media, economic, and services committees in support of the Baghdad Security Plan.

9) Providing three trained and ready Iraqi brigades to support Baghdad operations.

10) Providing Iraqi commanders with all authorities to execute this plan and to make tactical and operational decisions, in consultation with U.S commanders, without political intervention, to include the authority to pursue all extremists, including Sunni insurgents and Shiite militias.

11) Ensuring that the Iraqi Security Forces are providing evenhanded enforcement of the law.

12) Ensuring that, according to President Bush, Prime Minister Maliki said `the Baghdad security plan will not provide a safe haven for any outlaws, regardless of (their) sectarian or political affiliation'.

13) Reducing the level of sectarian violence in Iraq and eliminating militia control of local security.

14) Establishing all of the planned joint security stations in neighborhoods across Baghdad.

15) Increasing the number of Iraqi security forces units capable of operating independently.

16) Ensuring that the rights of minority political parties in the Iraqi legislature are protected.

17) Allocating and spending $10 billion in Iraqi revenues for reconstruction projects, including delivery of essential services, on an equitable basis.

18) Ensuring that Iraq's political authorities are not undermining or making false accusations against members of the Iraqi Security Forces.

What's that? Yes, I know we used the word "ensure" and "enact" a lot. You're just stalling Iraq.

*opens report card*

Hmmmm....
Hmmmm....
Has England seen this yet? Don't say 'what', you heard what I said. Did you show this to England yet? Well you should young government, because England is going to want to see this. 'Not that bad'? You have EIGHT U's! You didn't even complete half of your requirements! You know what, go to your room... yes, until dinner!

*ahem* Sorry about that. Iraqi is a good country but I just don't think it's applying itself as hard as it could. It might be my own fault, not setting firm enough rules with it. Maybe we weren't prepared enough- don't get me wrong, when England and I decided we wanted to liberate a country we were serious about it, I guess we just didn't realize how much responsibility it would be. And we had a much bigger support group back then. Spain kept saying "We'll watch Iraq on the weekends if you want to get out and see a movie" and Japan was always offering to bring food over. Sure, you can't forget about Poland, but... *sigh* some days...

Just look at this report card. Out of 18 requirements only 8 have been done "satisfactorily". That's not even great. Just satisfactory. Then we have two "mixed" reviews, what ever that means. And the rest are unsatisfactory.

It'd be one thing if he was failing to pick a national bird or struggling to streamline their election process, but these are important benchmarks. Look at this comment, "'the security situation in Iraq remains complex and extremely challenging,' the 'economic picture is uneven' and political reconciliation is lagging." Lagging!

*sigh* I can just hear England now, "I wanted to get a dog, but you said a country would be easier."

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 7-11-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "buzzing" as in "I'd like to know why you were buzzing those swimmers."

Well, here's why.

It was my first time ever on a jet ski. Which is just like driving a motorcycle. Which is great, because I've never driven a motorcycle either. Unless you count the old arcade game which had a motorcycle handle for the controls. I usually ran into a rock at least 3 times every game. So, you know, I wasn't exactly prepared for the power in my hands.

It was also choppy out. Have you looked out towards the water today? Obviously you have, because you saw me out there, the waves are nuts. Apparently, if you get out past the waves jet skiing is awesome. Kind of like, if you survive being repeatedly kicked in the balls, being able to breath again is pretty awesome.

Have I mentioned I'm not a strong swimmer? I realize I'm wearing a life jacket, but that won't save me when I'm dumped into Lake Michigan by an airborne jet ski. The wide eyed look of panic should have been the indicator there.

So yes, I "drove" within 50 feet of some swimmers, did you think I did it on purpose? Did you think I did it for kicks? My constant refrain of "I don't know what I'm doing!" and "I think I'm done now!" should have been evidence to the contrary. Sorry I drifted towards your precious swimmers, Poseidon was trying to murder me and the rocket between my legs was doing it's best to help him out. I was buzzing those people on purpose the same way an abandoned fighter jet slams into the ground on purpose. Sorry for the inconvenience.

And yes, I'd be happy to move it further down the beach. Just as soon as my knuckles turn pink again.

I GOTTA CRUSH ON YOU

David Zinczenko wrote on Yahoo today "What His Celeb Crush Says About Him". As Zinczenko says

Early on, the overriding factor may have been the prevalence of skin (Bo, Farrah, Pamela, and SI swimsuit models being excellent examples). But as men grow up, it's more than just physical attraction to the kind of woman he features in his cerebral movie theater - it's the total package that includes not only her looks, but what her looks, lifestyle, and personality may also represent.

Now... I'll admit I may not be as "mature" as Mr. Zinczenko. He is the editorial director of "the fastest growing men's magazine for affluent, 40-plus men" where as I am still a few candles short of 30. However, I have to call shenanigans on this, unless by "total package" he means "both T and A".

Mr. Zinczenko lists 8 women/types and explains what it means if a guy fantasizes about that sort of woman. Angelina, for example, might be because a man is "attracted to a do-gooder woman who also isn't afraid to show a bit of a wild streak." Oh-ho no, no, no Mr. Zinczenko. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but Angelina's work in Africa has no bearing on my fantasies regarding her.

So, for men who are not Mr. Zinczenko, I present His women and My reasoning.

If he fantasizes about...Angelina Jolie
(He wants to have a sex with a crazy woman, but not so crazy that she'll actually kill him afterwards. This is also the closest he can come in real life to having sex with Lara Croft. If he's into that. ...and he is.)

...Jennifer Aniston
(He was 12 or older when Friends first aired. He's really into dinosaurs and hair gel. He's hoping to get with you and a) your OCD friend or b) your hippie friend or c) both.)

...The young, troubled beauties (Paris, Lindsay, Britney)
(He likes burn outs and washouts who are crazy enough to do ANYTHING. Option 2: He's white trash and he likes 'em dumb.)

...Halle Berry, Scarlett Johansson
(He likes big boobs. Also, he LIKES BIG BOOBS!)

...Julianne Moore, Michelle Pfeiffer
(He'd like to do your mom.)

...Pam Anderson
(He's a skeevy looking rock star who hasn't yet gotten Hepatitis C. Wishes to remedy this fact.)

...Beyonce, J. Lo, Fergie, Janet
(He likes big butts, he likes big butts, he likes big humps and he hasn't gone outside since September 1993.)

...Any character from Grey's Anatomy
(He is gay. Unless it's Izzy, then he might be bi.)

TRANSFORMERS: BRINGING THE ANGER

As I've mentioned, I saw Transformers last week. I liked it a bunch. I had a couple of beefs...


SPOILERS AHEAD













But they were mild. My main five are these-
1) Sector 7. You could have shaved 30 minutes off the movie (more time for robot fighting) if they'd just let Jon Voight know about the robots. There, done and done. Or better yet, get rid of Jon Voight (sorry Jon) and just have John Turturro's character around. Cause he was bizarrely hilarious and, as you should know, he was Jesus and "nobody ****s with The Jesus".

2) Frenzy. He was just kind of annoying. Especially when he sneaks past the police after causing Air Force One to make an emergency landing. And a hunk of walking metal just strolls off the plane?

3) After all of the fighting, running, dodging, shooting, etc, Sam just had to jam the box into Megatron's chest to finish him off? ...Shouldn't Megatron have seen that coming?

4) On the same note, Optimus Prime has a frickin' SWORD. Where was that when Megatron was wailing on him?

5) Jazz goes out like a punk.

That one may be the biggest peeve (after the sword [c'mon, I'm a boy, I loves me my violence]) I had. Some people have bigger beefs with it than I do. Others have all together different complaints.

I can see the not-so-subtle racism in Jazz's death. You have one black robot, and he's the one that eats it? There is something suspicious in that and it's actually the first thing that went through my head, "Wow. Black robot just got ripped in half!" When you have one black character in a group and they are the ONLY one to die, people are going to notice that. You can claim that it's just what it was, but people are still going to question why you did it. Especially when it would have made more sense for someone like Ironhide, the Weapons Expert, to be the one that dies in battle. Also, talk about insult to injury. Megatron rips you IN HALF and all your leader can come up with as a eulogy is basically "Dang. That sucks. Well, moving on..."

Speaking of being ripped IN HALF, I understand you want to show the power of Megatron, who is easily twice the size of Jazz, but still. Their "fight" was all of 15 seconds long and filmed in a long shot. I barely had time to register there WAS a robot attacking Megatron before Jazz became Ja and ZZ. If you want to kill Jazz, that's fine, you wanted to show there were stakes to this battle, I get that, but to go out so easily and so cheaply... you owed it the character, the story and viewers to do a little more with it.

So those are my thoughts on that. I still thought the movie was awesome, but that doesn't mean something like this should be addressed.

Oh, and before I forget, anyone else a little weirded out by the fact that Sam and Mikaela end the movie making out ON TOP of Bumblebee, while Ratchett and Ironhide look on? I mean, that's some hardcore exhibitionism going on there.

FRIDAY SP-OETRY

As always, Friday Sp-oetry is brought to you by VentureScripts.

"Introducing"
Hello from devon
Hey from Kim LAnita
Hello from sade
Hey buddy from Addie Quintanau
Hey guy
its jill
Hello from stacy

"All About Al"
He picked up the fallen log and stuck it in its former position
No reason at all
Just wanted to say thanks

"VERY URGENT"
Give it a shot
Get with it
Give it a try
Just do it
Give it a shot

"READ CAREFULLY AND GET BACK TO ME"
Below the other sounds, lower-pitched and barely audible, a rumbling grew, coming from their right, from higher ground
He had absolutely no recollection of having seen this stranger in his office the day before
For what purpose they had made this place, as a town or secret temple or a tomb of kings, none could say
He could not speak
The answer
The police arrived, drew up a report, and ordered the manager to pay a fine of fifteen roubles

SOME ADVICE

This last week I saw both Live Free or Die Hard and Transformers. Despite the ridiculous name of the first and the amount of product placement in the second, both movies were awesome.

Both movies included a scene that lead me to write this bit of Star Worz advice:

If a helicopter, whether military or FBI, enters your airspace and a) doesn't have an appointment, b) refuses to answer hails or c) both, do not allow it to land on your heliport. Nothing good will come of it. At BEST, everyone at your place of employment is going to get shot and killed. At WORSE, everyone at your place of employment is going to get shot and killed AND giants robots will hunt the survivors down and kill them too.

Oh, and p.s. Optimus Prime has a sword. And he's gonna cut your dang head off. Chew on that!

TRYING TO MAKE ME -HOVA!- GO TO- YOUNG!- RE-HOLLA!-HAB

Amy Winehouse has a single out right now. It's called "Rehab".

It's kind of a big-band/swinging 60's sort of sound. I like it. There's also a re-mix version with Jay-Z. I don't care for that one as much.

The first verse is just Amy Winehouse, same for the first chorus. All of a sudden, bam, there's Jay-Z. Except he's not really doing anything. In fact, I'm pretty sure they just took old audio clips of him off of "Encore" and just wedged them in at half volume. So Amy Winehouse is singing and just under her you can occasionally hear "It's your boy!" "You're tuned in to the greatest!" and "What? You want to do it again? From the top? You sure? No, it's cool. Okay, just say when. What? Oh, thanks, yeah, I got them on sale at Foot Locker."

Then Jay-Z throws in his rap. Now, I'll give him credit here, unlike Eminem's throw-away rhyme on Akon's "Smack That", Jay-Z sounds like he didn't just make something up on the car ride over. That doesn't make it great, but it's certainly passable.

And then, like that, he's gone. No more chime-ins, no more "Hova!"s, nothing. It's like a twelve year old was taping "Rehab" off the radio, but forgot he was playing his Jay-Z CD at the same time, and then suddenly remembered and turned it off.

Best line of the song does go to Young Hov though for his last line "I'm going to O.D. till I'm at peace like Anna Nicole."

Wow. If that's not a pot shot, I don't know what is.