WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-30-06

Today's word is "quiz" as in "Please take this handy Wedding Day Quiz."

1. You are a guest at a wedding in Massachusetts this past week, what is your biggest concern?
a) Will the couple find your gift useful?
b) Is your zipper down after stopping off at the bathroom?
c) Did the groom see you cop a feel on his new wife?

2. You are the groom. You've just seen a guest grope your bride, how do you react?
a) Make sure she's okay, and if she is, laugh it off. What a story this will be for your 50th anniversary
b) Ask the ushers to kindly and quickly escort the guest outside and inform him that he is no longer welcome at the festivities
c) Check him into The Smackdown Hotel

3. You are the groom. The cops have been called on account of your "problem solving methods". What next?
a) Calm down. Explain to the officers what happened. Let cooler heads prevail
b) Angrily demand that "this scumbag with the wandering hands" spend a night "being Bubba's boyfriend"
c) Cops schmops. Time to check another person into Hotel Le' Smackdown.

4. You are the bride. So far you've been felt up and seen your new husband hauled off by Johnny Law. How do you cope?
a) Go to the station, tell your husband how angry you are at him, but that you still love him. Bring him a slice of cake.
b) Same way you did in college. Drink till you forget.
c) Take out a restraining order

5. You are the groom. You have not been having a good day, and as icing on the cake, your wife has now filed a restraining order. What do you do?
a) Stand the recommended distance away, pop "In Your Eyes" in the old boombox and stand there with it over your head until she takes you back
b) Same way you did in college. Get drunk, pick up a sorority girl and take her back to her place for brief, unfufilling sex.
c) Restraining order, reschraming order. She's your wife! She'll take a collect call!

6. You are the groom. Guess where you are again.
a) Your wife's loving arms. Yes!
b) Living with your folks. She didn't take you back. Boo!
c) Jail. For breaking the restraining order. Son of a *****!

SCORING:
A- 1 pt
B- 2 pt
C- 3 pt

SCORES
1-6: You are mature, rational and level headed. You are also completely without balls. Even if you are already a woman. The flower girl has more testosterone than you do.
7-10: This is a little more like it. You're not going to be pushed around, but you're not going to go all crazy either. Still not the sort of person we're looking to invite to the reception, but thanks for the nice card.
11-14: Yes! I want to party with You Danger Man/Woman. You're the sort of person who makes a reception memorable. So what if a few chairs, a table, two waiters and an ice sculpture fall in the path of your fun loving times?
15-17: Okay, seriously, you need to chill out. Everyone's looking at you. Even drunk Aunt Dawn thinks you're over the top
18: Congratulations! You must be the couple I read about this morning. Better to have love and lost, right? Enjoy those multiple assault charges buddy, hope you liked the picture frame I got you crazy kids.

A BETTER BODY THROUGH SCIENCE

One of my coworkers is "on" another "diet" "Starting today." That's a lot of quotes in a row, I understand.

"On" is in quotes because this diet, like every other one he's been on in the four years I've known him, will probably last three weeks at most. Just long enough for him to say "Oh, I'm on the [fill the blank] diet" to everyone that he sees. This will be quickly followed by, "So I shouldn't be eating this because I'm on the [fill the blank] diet. But since it's already here, I may as well have one or two." Sometimes I think he eats more when "on" a diet than he does when he's not.

"Diet" is in quotes because it's a reasonable diet the way "pogo stick" is reasonable interstate transportation. Sure, you'll get where you're going, but it's going to take you a lot more effort than is needed. The current mad science mishmash is the "cucumber and tomato" diet. ...that's it. That's all he's allegedly going to eat. Cucumbers and Tomatoes. Surely that will give him all the protein and carbohydrates his body needs to function. Surely. And surely this diet will be more successful than: The Modified South Beach Diet, The All Cold Food Diet, The Onion A Day Diet, The Only Cooked In Light Oil Diet, The Pasta Diet, The Remodifided South Beach Diet, The Oranges Diet, The Atkins With Bread Diet, and The Cheese, Sausage, Lettuce, Crackers, White Meat and Eggplant Diet.

"Starting today" is because he's starting today. Duh.

Meanwhile for breakfast today I had a bag of Ritz Cheese and Crackers and an Oatmeal cookie. What could I do? The Delicious Food You Like To Eat Diet is very strict about breakfast.

LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP

I found this on my voicemail this morning. I didn't even know Pluto knew my phone number.

"Matt? Matt? Pick up! Pick up, it's me.... Hello??? *hic* It's Pluto. They did it, the fanal-finally did it. They downgraded me- ffffffffft out the window. Downsized out of the ****ing solar shstm. Why? What'd up with that *hic* Huh? What'd I ever do, but do my best at being... ... ... me? Hello? Pick up! I knew it was coming. I ****ing knew it. I KNEW IT! Neptune sopped saying "hi" when I'd would pass it. Hey! Neptune? What's up? Nothing. Nada. ***** can be last in line now, she can - Who's gonna want me now? Alpha Centauri? Bea-ah-telguese? They neeeeed me! I'm the anchor! My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas! I'm the peeshas! Pizzas! *hic* Pizzas. I said pizzas, that's what I meant. I'm DRUNK! ... ... ... Hello? So what? You'd get drunk too if they took you out and said "Hey Pluto, you're a dwarf planet". Your mom is a dwarf planet- I'm Pluto! I've been here for 70 years! Does someone poke your grandpa in the chest and say Hey! ... ... No. You gotta take the ball and put it on the floor to- Jupiter- **** Jupiter! It's a ball of gas! I'm rock! I am a rock, I am an iiiiiiiiiiisland. Jupiter should be down graded to dwarf gas and given a Rolaids. That's how I spell relief. Re-LIEF!! HELLO??? PICK UP!... ... ... ... Okay, call me if you get this. Or call Uranus. UrrrrrrrrrrANUS. That's a worthless rock. They only keep it for the joke. Uranus, darn near killed her. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. It's a good joke. But **** that rock. ... ... .... okay. ... ... ... call me... ... ... Hello?"

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-24-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "Survivor" as in "Man, remember the band Survivor? Sure you do, they did 'The Eye of The Tiger'. You love that song."

This season on Survivor, the producers have decided to switch things up by dividing the teams up into 4 5-person teams, matched up by race. There'll be a Caucasian team, a Black team, an Asian team and a Latino team.

Some people are in an uproar about this, but personally, I don't see what the big deal is. More than once they've divided the teams by gender, and no one had a problem with that. As a matter of fact, the women's team in the Amazon spent most of the season walking all over the men's team. Last season they started things off by dividing the players into "young men", "old men", "young women" and "old women". I'd be a lot more nervous about telling a woman she's in the "old women" group than telling an Asian guy, "Hey, you're Asian." Plus, I'd lay dollars to donuts that by the fourth episode at the latest, the race teams will be broken up. They did the exact same thing last season. They did one challenge that way and then Poof! they switched everything up. Why? Cause it screws with the player's heads. You get comfortable where you are and then the game flips everything on its head.

It's not like they're going to make challenges a giant stereotype-fest.

"Okay, for immunity, who ever can swim this river, climb this fence and then eat these 15 burritos first will be your winner."

"For reward, you're all going to have a dance-off! The winner will get this bucket of hot wings and these lottery scratch offs."

"Each player must cross this rope bridge, chop a board in half with their hand, catch a fly with these chopsticks and then solve a math problem on this abacus."

"For immunity you'll have to... ... ..."

Yeah, see, that's another reason they won't play to stereotypes. All the white ones are really boring.

Well, I'm off to count my money and listen to country music. Talk to you soon.

IN CASE IT COMES UP

I'm in the process of updating my myspace page and I'm writing about how we'll be having a 21st birthday party at the 'plex for my roommate next weekend. You are, of course, all invited. That's the kind of service Star Worz provides to its readers. Quick dress code note: guys need to wear either a) a dress jacket or at least b) a dress shirt. We're trying to show some class here. Ladies need to wear a push-up bra. We're trying to show some chest here. RSVP by next Tuesday if you're interested.

Thinking of my roommate's upcoming first not-so-sweet taste of alcohol (let's face facts, no alcohol tastes good the first time. Even Miller High Life, the Champagne of Beers) leads me to the interesting worry of "Where's he going to throw up?" Almost everyone throws up on their 21st birthday, so you've got to plan for it. A failure to plan is planning to fail. Like in this little story.

I was home for Winter Break during my freshman year of college. For New Year's I had been invited to Bob Schrickle's house, which was quite the honor since I didn't get invited out to a lot of places. Some of my very good high school friends were there, as were many people that, you know, I wasn't sad to be done seeing 5 days a week. One of my good friends was Jeremy. Now, I didn't drink before I turned 21. Jeremy did. Jeremy didn't have a lot to drink that night, but he did have a variety to drink. Public Service Announcement: Alcohol is not the same as ice cream toppings. Sprinkles and nuts and chocolate sauce and whipped cream all together make a good sundae. Pabst and rum and jagger and Labatt's do not make a happy tummy. Pick a poison for the night and stick with it. You'll be happier that way.

So Jeremy has some Pabst, and he has some Labatt's and he has some Milwaukee's Best, he has a shot or two and then he has, in a drunken genius move, a cup of Pabst, Labatt's and Best mixed together. Needless to say by the end of the night he is not feeling well. And suddenly, The Switch is flipped. Anyone that's ever vomited from drinking knows The Switch. It's the one that takes "everything's cool" and turns it into "nothing is about to stay in my body". Who knows what causes it? It could be a sudden smell. It could be sitting up too fast. One time for me it was shaking hands. And like that I went from master of my domain to decorating the porch bushes.

So Jeremy had to vomit, but where? He and I rushed to the bathroom and looked around frantically. Sink? No! Tub? No! "Here it comes!" GARBAGE CAN! BLARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

And so I spent the next couple of minutes helping him hold a garbage can and reassuring him that no, I was pretty sure he wasn't going to die. It was about this time that Bob's mom came into the picture, but being Bob's mom, she was pretty cool as well and helped clean up the mess Jeremy had made and made sure he was on the road to recovery. Needless to say, Jeremy never tried a trifecta glass again.

The kicker of the story is this, and it's something neither of us put together until 4 years later when we were reminiscing at a friend's wedding: While Jeremy was throwing up into the garbage can, the ONLY suitable receptacle he could find in that scant window of opportunity ... He Was Sitting On The Toilet.

And THAT is why you need to plan ahead.

A BRIEF TIME LINE OF THE LAST 5 YEARS FOR MAURICE CLARETT

-Graduate High School (yay!)
-Enroll at The Ohio State to play Big Ten Football (Yipee!)
-Score the winning touch down that wins The Buckeyes the National Championship title (BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!! THANK YOU MAMA! THANK YOU JESUS!)
-Get suspended for falsley reporting a theft (Eh. Into every life a little rain must fall)
-Leave school early for the NFL (Next Stop: Greener Pastures)
-Found ineligible for the draft due to age (Hmmm... how can I age quicker?)
-Challenge ruling in court (Power To The People!)
-Court sides with the NFL (Could have SWORN there was an Amendment about this.)
-Make friends with Hai Waknine (It's always good to make new friends)
-Surprise! Now eligible, get drafted by The Denver Broncos (Mile High City, Mile High stacks of Cash!)
-Cut from Broncos before the end of the Pre-season (Forget this. I'm a former National Champion. Plus, Denver is a really expensive city. I'm sure I'm on to bigger and better things)
-Ring in New Years by allegedly robbing two people outside of a bar (What's a little theft between strangers?)
-Get arrested for robbery (Duuuuuuude, it's not cool to press charges)
-Remember Hai Waknine? Turns out he may be a member of The Jerusalem Gang. Oh, and he's a felon. Oh, and you still owe him all that money you're not making by not playing for the Denver Broncos (Maybe an autographed Buckeyes jersey will smooth this over.
-Things do not get smoothed over (Think Maurice, think. What could make this problem go away)
-Load vehicle with weapons, strap on a bullet proof vest (GENIUS!)
-Get pulled over by cops who find three hand guns and an assault rifle in your car (Officer, there is a perfectly logical explaination for all of this)
-And a hatchet (Dick.)
-Police fail to be able to taser you because of bullet proof vest (Yes! Finally, a little good luck!)
-So they mace you instead. (Double Dick!)
-Judge orders you to face a mental evaluation due to recent bizarre and violent behavior (Look, just cause you can't SEE the talking whale that lives on my shoulder doesn't mean he's not there, okay?)
-Hai Waknine still hasn't been paid. And now he probably thinks you were trying to kill him. With your four guns. And a hatchet. (Good thing Israelis have no history of holding a grudge)

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-16-06

Sorry about the delay again, we here at Star Worz Inc. are working on the problem and hope to have a customer service representative on the line with you real soon. Until then, please continue to hold and listen to these ads for all the great services Star Worz Inc. provides you, our valued customer.

Today's word is "deceive" as in "Do my ears deceive me? Is that seriously going to be playing on the radio?"

I know last week's Wednesday Word was about music as well, but that was about the overproduction and lack of creativity in some current popular music. This is the opposite end of the spectrum; a complete lack of production. I'm talking about the deadly acoustic cover. For those of you who don't speak Latin, acoustic comes from the words "acous" meaning "to play" and "tic" meaning "softly and without balls".

There are some very good acoustic songs out there, don't get me wrong. But that is not what I am currently be subjected to. I'm stuck at our front desk while one of the part-timers puts acoustic abominations into the computer system. This involves him having to play the entire song at a rather high volume. Did you know that 3rd Eye Blind does an acoustic version of "Jumper"? Because apparently they do. It is not that good, in the same way that taking a power sander to the eye is not that comfortable.

What is this? Are you- are you kidding me? The Outfield?!? Good reader, what ever your religion of choice, pray to your deity that you never have to hear "Your Love" done only on guitar. They won't even play this song to torture Al-Qaeda agents.

I can only assume this is retribution for something I've done to someone somewhere down the line. As karma has a tendency to store up, I have no idea what ...hold on... "Be My Girl??" cor. Anyway, this could be from anything. The time I said something mean to my friend when she was planning her wedding, or the time I threw a mostly empty soda in the garbage and it splashed a little on the guy standing next to it. All I know is that I Am Sorry for whatever I did. Just Please, Make This Stop.

"Pour Some Sugar On Me". A single guitar and apparently the drummer on a wooden chair. Never mind, I'm just going to bludgeon myself with this keyboard.

HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO

I originally wanted to do an entry about my frustrating quest to pick up the new Gin Blossoms CD (Major Lodge Victory, in stores Now!) but instead, while I was looking for interesting news for www.tubapants.com (Link's On the Right, visit Today!), I came across this story and it just, well it really irked me.

I realize that as a gossip columnist it's Kat Giantis' job to be snarky and hipply ironic about all things Hollywood, but still there's snarky and then there's just plain mean. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were nice enough to pull over, check on an accident victim and then stay with them until help arrived and they get mocked for it. Instead of being seen as actual genuine concern for a fellow human being, it's seen as a PR move by two crazy people looking to get some good press. Katie Holmes is a glassy eyed zombie and Tom Cruise is a pseudo-scientist bogeyman with too perfect teeth, waiting in their SUV listening to a police scanner for accidents so they can swoop in and "save the day". Cut them some slack. They were on their way home from a soccer game, saw people in trouble and stopped to help. I don't hear any derision for all of the cars that continued down the highway, instead it's all saved for the people that stopped to help. Why? Cause they're really famous and really good looking and because this is America and the only thing we like more than eating is building someone up so we can turn around and tear them down.

And while I'm on the subject, will someone please get Congress to pass an bill requiring people to shut up about Suri? As a journalist, I'm a big supporter of the First Amendment, but I think this is one time where it could be reeled in a little bit. It's a baby people, it looks like a frickin' baby. It's going to look like a fat old man until about the age of two and then it'll look like a little version of Tom Cruise smooshed together with a little version of Katie Holmes. If you're that excited to know what she looks like, we've got the county fair here in town starting Wednesday. I'll go down to the sketch booth with a picture of both of them and see what we can come up with, okay? I bet she'll have really nice teeth.

They don't want their baby plastered all over the magazines, big deal. Surprise, some people like the idea of their children having their own private lives. Crazy, I know, but it happens. Just because America hasn't seen the kid yet doesn't mean she's got horns or is black or the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. So just chill out and let them have their privacy. No, they don't owe you anything. Just because you own Top Gun on DVD and have the Dawson's Creek series finale on VHS doesn't mean you are entitled to know every single detail of their lives. If you've got this much free time on your hands why don't you spend it with your own kids? You don't have kids? Adopt one from one of those TV commercials and lavish it with all this attention. Maybe they'll send you a picture.

IF MAN WERE MEANT TO FLY

He wouldn't make a connecting flight in Brazil, that's for darn skippy. Because if he did, that would mean he's likely to board a TAM flight.

Tani, of "I'll Get You My Pretty And Your Little Blog Too..." fame recently sent me this article. It's funny in that "oh my goodness we're all gonna die" sort of way.

TAM airlines, which is Brazil's leading airline, uses these aircraft called, I'm dead serious here, Fokker planes. (No, I don't know if their first name is Gaylord) The Dutch company that produces the planes went bankrupt 10 years ago, which will not come as a surprise to you when you get further into the article. TAM, economic minded people that they are, currently operates 22 of these aircraft, but are looking to eliminate them all by 2010.

So far they've eliminated 4 in the last 10 years:
1 crashed into the ground shortly after take off in Sao Paulo killing over 100 people
1 had an explosion onboard that sent a passenger flying out of the plane to what was probably a surprising demise
1 had two of its windows shatter causing a passenger to die from depressurization
and finally
1 had a door fall off.

You've got to hand it to them, when those Brazilians decided to retire something, it Stays Retired. But, to look on the bright side, as Star Worz is famous for, no one has actually Been Killed by these Fokker death traps since 2001, so they must be doing Something Right, right? I mean, this time it was just a door. Next time it'll probably just be a windshield wiper. By 2008, with a little luck and prayer, it's possible Nothing will fall off. Who wouldn't want to fly the Brazilian skies in one of these beautiful Fokkers?

Fokker if I know.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-9-06

Sorry for the delay, this week's Wednesday Word was trying to fly in from Heathrow with a thermos full of Tang. Apparently that's frowned upon.

This week's word is "cannon" as in "Listening to Justin Timberlake or Fergie's new 'songs' makes me want to shoot myself in the face. With a cannon."

Justin, Justin, Justin, what are you doing? You're a good looking guy. A very good looking guy. The singles off of your last album were, for the most part, very catchy and very good. Who didn't like "Cry Me A River"? Answer: Terrorists. So it's not like you can't sing, but this "Bringing The Sexy Back" crap? It's, as the Italians say "garbagio". Why is he singing through a comb wrapped in wax paper for the entire song? And the lyrics? Here's a genius idea Justin, write a verse, then sing the chorus, then write a second different verse, chorus again, and, if you're feeling really daring, write a third verse as well. I know it's a radical school of thought, but I think you can handle it. Because seriously, your first verse was bad enough the first time, I don't need it repeated two minutes later.

"London Bridge". Where to start? Tell you what, I will change my opinion (that this song is an affront to humanity) if you can tell me WHAT THE CHORUS MEANS!!! "How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge wanna go down?" How come every time your song comes on I want to drive my car, car off a bridge?

I don't know who's dumber, the people that heard these songs and said "Yes, people will pay money to own this music" or the people that heard these songs and said "Yes, I will pay money to own this music." I'm all for mandatory sterilization for both groups.

SO GOOD IT MUST BE FATTENING

I heard this story on the morning news on my way in to work, and it's just too good to pass up.

Interesting- 20 year old Appleton, WI man robs boy.
Fun- Boy was walking home from the grocery store at the time of the robbery.
Funny- Boy was carrying a gallon of ice cream.
Funnier- The ice cream was for his fourteenth birthday.
Funnier still- The 20 year old man now faces a felony robbery charge, which carries a maximum 10 year prison sentence.
Funniest- For Stealing Ice Cream.

THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

-Huntsville, TX

Linguists at Sam Houston State University in Hunstville, TX have finally released the results of a three year language study showing that Jamaican is now considered to be "The Most Romantic Language".

"Over time people's tastes change. Tastes in langauages is no different," explained Dr. Geoff Miller, leader of the project. "It happens less rapidly than, say, hairstyles and other grooming trends, but more frequently than, for example, coastlines."

Jamaican leapfrogged from the virtual obscurity of 8th place in a similar 1996 study to displace English as the most romantic language. French finished in third, tied with Spanish. Portugese rounded out the top five.

"This is a very disappointing finish for France, the lowest they've scored since the American Industrial Revolution," said Dr. Miller. "Hopefully the people of France can take these results in stride. They certainly have been on a rioting spree of late, and I would hate to think we were in some way responsible for more hardships for that country."

Long held as "The" love language, France benefited from an aura of romantic mystery combined with the legendary sexual prowess of French men and women. A shift in popular opinion post-World War II, however, allowed English to displace French at the top of the list. Dr. Miller explains.

"The first thing to take into account is when we say 'English' on the survey we are speaking very specifically of the United Kingdom and not all English speakers. American in particular tested towards the bottom of the list, as it has every year a survey of this kind is conducted."

Cary Grant was a pioneer in the "English Revival" of romance, with his movie star looks and smooth British tone. The Beatles followed in the 1960's and the sheer hysteria created in young women was enough to make the 1964 survey unecessary.

"Women loved the voices of these British 'stud muffins'. They could say basically anything and still be found attractive. One of the legendary stories is about Richard Burton. He was at a bar in Hollywood and called a woman "an [explitive] cow [explitive] that he wouldn't [explitive] with Peter O'Toole's [explitive]." Not only did the woman hang all over him for the rest of the night, he ended the night going home with both her and her friend."

What then, allowed Jamaican to take the crown in this most recent survey? Dr. Miller credits a growing trend of acceptance of non-Caucasian languages, as well as Jamaican's own "air of mystery."

"Jamaican is a very hard language to understand. I've been a linguist for over 20 years now and when I saw Cool Runnings in the theater I almost needed subtitles to understand what they were saying. Both men and women like an air of mystery and find that sexually appealing. Jamaican has really become the new English."

An example of this is the continued rise in popularity of recording artist and Jamaican, Sean Paul. Many of his songs contain graphic and explicit sexual lyrics, but buried behind a wall of smooth, intriguing Jamaican wordplay and metaphor. His most recent song "Give It Up To Me" contains the chorus "From you look inna me eye gal I see she you want me/When you gonna give it up to me? Because you body enticing you makin' me horny/When you gonna give it up to me?"

"'Because you body enticing you making me horny,'" said Dr. Miller shaking his head. "'You makin' me horny.' Even Jagger couldn't get away with those lyrics and he sang "Brown Sugar", and this is being played on mainstream radio. Truly, this is an amazing age we live in regards to romance."

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 8-2-06

Today's Wednesday's Word is "dart", as in "Funny, that doesn't sound like a dart."

It was finals and the hall was on, to be totally honest, 22 hour lockdown. No extra noise in the halls, the lights were all down, doors were closed, the building was kept tomb silent so people could best study for their finals. Occasionally the silence would be broken by a slammed door or a stream of explitives but otherwise, silence was pretty much the norm. I was laying in bed, taking a much deserved nap when I first heard it.

"THUNK!"

Huh, I thought. That sounds kinda loud.

"THUNK!"

Boy, they must really be throwing those darts hard.

"THUNK!"

Okay, two more minutes and I'll go tell them to quiet d-

"CLANG!"

Clang? Clang?? Darts don't go Clang? What goes Clang? A fork goes Clang. Are they throwing forks? Are They Throwing Forks?!? WHO THROWS FORKS??

Rolling out of bed I hurried towards the mysterious noise when I heard the second "Clang!" I had to wait for one more throw to narrow down the room, then I knocked on the door.

"Hey, it's Matt. Can I come in?"

"Okay."

It's a good thing I knocked, because I enter the room to see that the two guys are holding, wait for it, Ninja Throwing Stars. I turn around to close the door and I see they have been throwing them INTO THE DOOR. The door does not belong to them. The door belongs to University Housing. University Housing can be rather sensitive about what is done to their property.

"Are you throwing Ninja Stars at the door??"

"Yeah. But we put up the cardboard."

They had a piece of carboard no thicker than a frozen pizza bottom attached to the door. Around it were marks where their throws had missed. Even when they DID hit the carboard, surprise! The wood was marked up there as well. Two square feet of the door looked like it had lost a fight with a bear.

"Crap guys, you really tore up your door."

"We'll fix it."

"How?"

"uhhh.... sand it?"

"Just put away the throwing stars for now. You're not even supposed to have them in the dorm."

"Sorry Matt. Can we have one more throw?"

"No!"

"Right. Sorry."

CAUSE WE'RE A BUNCH OF GIVERS

Someone I know was called an "Indian Giver" last night, after making an officiating call that someone didn't agree with. Long story short the person WAS safe when she called them safe and then was out when she called them out. That happens sometimes, softball is a fluid game, there's no need to be tossing around racial slurs.

Then I was thinking about it, what sort of slur is Indian Giver? Isn't that a slam on white people? I mean, that doesn't make it better, but really when you think about it, that's how it breaks down. Because it's supposed to be that "Oh, you gave me something and now you want it back", right? Well... that's pretty much what we did to the Indians, isn't it?

"Hey! Runs Like Deer! How's it going?"

"Crap, it's John Smith. Uhhh... what's up John Smith?"

"Nothing, nothing. Just came by to see how Florida was treating your people. I told you it was practically the same as Pennsylvania, didn't I?"

"Well, we're getting used to it. I don't supposed you have any of that meat you were promising to bring do you? I was just talking to Strong Wind and he's pretty sure we haven't-"

"Oh *snap* I knew I forgot to do something this week. I'll get that right out with the next shipment of blankets, cool?"

"Disease FREE blankets?"

"Suuuuuure, whatever. Diseased blankets, disease FREE blankets, they're both blankets Runs Like Deer. Besides, who needs blankets here in the lovely Florida weather?"

"Our elderly and young."

"Right, right, right. Oh hey, funny story. Do you know where Nebraska is?"

"Your name for the land is different from our name for the land."

"Take that as a no. Okay, well, I've never been personally, but I hear it's awesome, and I really think you're going to like it."

"Like it?"

"Yeah, look, I know we said 'Hey, this will be your new home throughout all time' turns out we've got some more Americans looking to move down this way, so President Jackson was kinda sorta hoping you'd all be willing to hoof it to Nebraska."

"Move?"

"Yeah, if you could. Otherwise he's gotta send the army down to force you all at gun point. That's just inconvenient, you know?"

"Is Nebraska like Pennsylvania?"

"Practically the same thing. Dirt, sun, whole nine yards. The Dakota tribe really seems to like it."

"The Dakota people are our sworn enemies John Smith."

"Well, you'll all have a lot to talk about then, won't you? Okay, I gotta go, I've got a croquet game lined up for 3. And I'll look into that alcohol you need."

"It was meat!"

"Right! Gotcha."

I don't really recall the Indians taking anything back from the white man. At least nothing we actually gave back.

I don't know, kids these days. Who can understand a word they say?