AND THE LORD SAID...

I was in Texas this weekend, as you undoubtably know. While I was there I attended a wedding of two people I've never met before in my life. That's just the way I roll.

The reception was a nice little affair, but it seemed to clear out awfully early, especially considering the reception hall was in the same building as the church, and the whole shindig was ending at 8 p.m. Not exactly a long day by any standards. I was standing in the lobby giving Jennifer and her friends a chance to gossip about me in private when I overheard one of the guests talking with a security guard.

Guard- Place seemed to clear out kind of early.
Guest- Well, half of the guests are Church of Christ. So they don't drink or dance.
Guard- So? They couldn't have pulled out a deck of cards?

The guard raises a good point. What part of "no drinking and no dancing" translates to "can't stick around a party"? Even better question, what kind of wacky church is the Church of Christ?? I'm sorry, you mean THE Christ? The guy that turned Water into Wine is the namesake of your teetotaler sect? I could understand if Jesus had been at that wedding and turned the water into coffee or something, then it all makes sense.

"And the LORD did say 'Drink this, for thou has to work tomorrow.'" Mrk 7:15.

And Dancing? Seriously? Dancing is the devil? I thought that line of thinking was eradicated with the release of Footloose. Dancing? Get out of here.

I know they're not alone in thinking this either. I know there are varations of Christians out there that think that going to the movies is a sin. Can you beat that? Look, people, if Jesus died for your sins, I think he's got it in him to forgive you for watching pictures rapidly pulled across a constant stream of light to trick your eye into seeing motion. Cause if he doesn't? Well then I'll see you in Hell.

Look for me, I'll be the guy between Ghandi and Ben Affleck.

Awww man, that'd be a GREAT dinner party.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

There was an article on the front page of Yahoo today entitled something along the lines of "5 Tips To Give A Good Handshake."

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*blink*

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*ahem* WHAT?!?! Are you serious??

And they WERE. They were completely serious! Not only did someone think this was a topic worth writing about, someone's editor gave them the green light to have it published. Someday, after The Great Blogpocolypse, people like those two will be cast into the great dial-up darkness where there will be really slow weeping and gnashing of teeth. Them and the person who created this thing. Honestly, get a room, and a navigatible webpage.

Good reader, here's a bit of advice, if you can't figure out how to 1) grasp someone's hand, 2) pump said hand downward, 3) pump hand upward and finally 4) release hand, MAYBE social interaction isn't for you. Maybe you'd be better suited for the fast paced world of "Crazy Recluse Cat Owner". Just remember, yes they are your babies and no the man from the county office can't come in without a warrent.

DEEP IN THE HEART...

I've forgotten to mention, I'll be in Texas starting Thursday and won't be back to Wisconsin till Monday night. Note: This is not an open invitation to burgle my house, as my roommate will be here, and he's a ninja, only with guns. Like the movie Equilibrium, which wasn't a half-bad flick. Especially if you like guns and Christian Bale. And how can you not like at least one of those? He was in Newsies people, Newsies.

If something exciting or entertaining pops up in Texas (and I don't doubt that it will) I may log on and share it with... well with Tani and Jenifer mostly. Though I know Gary comes by and I'm sure Tony pops in looking for the next instalment of GUN RUNNER!! Don't worry, it's coming. So is my 30th birthday, but just be patient.

If you don't see a Wednesday Word next week, I've died in the Lone Star state, please, come and avenge my death.

See you around, Space Cowboy.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 6-21-06

Today's Wednesday Word is cup. As in "If you're going to play World Cup Soccer, don't forget your cup."

I'm not a big soccer fan. I'm not really a soccer "fan" period. I respect their ability because I've played in soccer league games often enough to realize I'm pretty awful at it, but I think even soccer fans would have to say that at least 50% of every soccer game is pretty boring.

So as a casual soccer viewer I have to give credit to ABC for doing their best to spice the game up for us Americans. I watched part of USA/Italy on Saturday and then Brazil/Australia on Sunday and ABC does an excellent job of during dead ball time showing exciting highlights from the game. Sometime the highlights are several minutes old, but A for effort for taking what action they can find, slowing it down, and giving it back to us to keep us entertained.

In a way, it's funny, because this is the same nation that will pay to spend 4 hours sitting in the stands watching cars zip around a track, but soccer? Too boring.

MAYBE... if we could rig the shin pads so that after a certain number of collisions they'd explode.... maybe that would get people excited.

Or maybe Brandi Chastain just needs to play for EVERY team.

...AS WE KNOW IT

Cruising the internet, as I often do in lieu of working, I came across this video clip on youtube of the world ending. I never thought about it this way, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the end of the world is a) in Japanese and b) surprisingly upbeat sounding.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make a cash donation to NASA. We need that Mars terraforming done, stat!

A MUSING

Who came up with the word "palooza" to mean a large gathering or celebration? At the fair grounds next to my house they're having "Summer Palooza" this weekend and I'd like to know who is responsible for this word. Was it "Lalapalooza" who got the ball rolling? And if so, how did that conversation go?
President- Now all we need for our music festival is a name.

Marketing Guy- How about Music Fest?

President- Nah, not catchy enough. What do you sing when you sing?

Marketing Guy- I'm sorry?

President- You know, you go la-la-la-

Marketing Guy- La-la-la.... Lapalooza!

President- Excuse me?

Marketing Guy- Lalapalooza! That's the name!

President- Are you high?

Marketing Guy- Sir?

President- At this very moment. Are you tripping the Weed Fandango? Crusing the Hemp Highway? Rolling marijuana into a cigerette and then smoking it, inhaling the mind altering THC chemicals into your lungs and into your bloodstream?

Marketing Guy- I'm Mormon sir.

President- And I'm Methodist, but that doesn't stop me from sleeping around with high school cheerleaders.

Marketing Guy- Do you not like the name?

President- What the heck's a palooza? Sounds foreign.

Marketing Guy- I think I just made it up.

President- Hmmm... well, we'll take a chance on it then. But I tell you this, if by 2005 we're forced to downscale to a single city venue, I'm going to hold this name and you resonsible. Understood?

Marketing Guy- Understood.

POLITE DINNER CONVERSATION

There's a man here in Wisconsin looking to build a Hitler museum on his property. I wonder how he brought that one up to the fam.

Mom- How was work today Scott?
Scott- Fine. I have to work a double shift on Monday though. So I'm going to need a car.
Mom- As long as Julie gets to swim class on time, that's fine. Honey, do you need any help with the yard this weekend?
Dad- No, I should be fine. Oh, speaking of the yard, I'm going to build a Hitler museum out in the back. Can you pass the corn, Julie?
Mom- What did you say?
Dad- Pass the corn please, Julie. Sorry dear.
Mom- No, about the Hitler Museum.
Dad- Well, not a museum per say, but a building where people can go to learn the truth.
Amy- Sorry I'm late, did someone just say Hitler?
Scott- Dad wants to build a shrine to Hitler in the backyard.
Dad- Not a shrine, a museum dedicated to the truth. You know, to educate people.
Julie- We learned about Hitler in school last month. Did you know he killed a bunch of people?
Dad- He was misunderstood. People are misunderstood all the time.
Amy- Dad, he's responsible for the Holocaust, he killed millions of Jews.
Dad- Right there, an example of being misunderstood. He just wanted Ava Braun to clean up her shoes. "We've got to get rid of all these shoes," he said. And look how it spun out of control.
Mom- Herbert, what are you talking about? Hitler was not talking about shoes.
Dad- Misunderstandings! His mouth was full and no one wanted to question him. See? This is why you should never be afraid to ask questions.
Julie- Isn't Ava Braun from He-Man?
Scott- That's Evil Lynn.
Mom- The county's never going to let you put up a Hitler Museum, do you remember the fuss the Johnsons went through when they tried to put up that Pol Pot statue in their front yard?
Julie- Is Pol Pot from He-Man?
Scott- That's Mechaneck.
Dad- Already taken care of. I start building on Friday after work.
Mom- They said it was okay?
Dad- I maaaaaaay have told them I was building a barn.
Mom- A barn!?
Amy- Oh Daddy!
Scott- You're totally going to jail!
Dad- It is a barn! A barn of Truth. And instead of raising cattle, I'll be raising awareness about Hitler.
Amy- He invaded Poland.
Julie- Isn't Poland from He-Man?
Scott- That's Eternia.
Dad- So he "invaded" Poland. How do you know the German's weren't invited? You weren't there.
Mom- He invaded dear.
Dad- Like none of us have never over stayed our welcome anywhere? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was living in a house full of perfect people!
-exit Dad-
Julie- Mom?
Mom- Yes dear?
Julie- Are we going to be on the news?
Mom- Yes dear. Please pass the milk, Amy.

TONY, TONIE, TONE'

I caught a little bit of The Tony Awards on Sunday. I was on the phone with my folks when my dad mentioned that Stephen Lynch was on doing a song from The Wedding Singer... which is apparently now a popular Broadway musical. I continued watching through the bit with the Spamalot cast that apparently no one in the audience found funny, and then a presenter bit that apparently was hilarious if you had any idea who the woman presenting was. (I did not)

Then they announced the contenders for best actress in a musical and I realized I had no idea what any of the shows they were talking about were, other than "The Color Purple". Needless to say, they didn't win and instead up came a lady that, again, was apparently hilarious if you had any clue who she was.

The next day I was curious enough to look on line to see what some of the results had been. Apparently in the major nominations, only one of the musicals, "The Drowsy Chaperone", was not based on a book, movie, artists songs or older show. AS a writer... that doesn't encourage me too much.

On the other hand, Broadway is having a banner season, topping 12 million in audience numbers for the first time since 2001 and grossing $861.6 million dollars.

*whistle*

If you'll excuse me, I have a stage version of "The Sixth Sense" that I need to polish up for the 2007 season.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 6-7-06

Okay, so I was HALF honest. The Wednesday Word was "later", just not "later today" later.

Today's word is "toast" as in, "Here comes another wedding toast." Since I finished college in 2002 everyone I know has decided it'd be a good idea to get married. It's funny, in a way, I have a friend named Liz (Hello Liz! [she doesn't actually read the blog]) who's my age who says she doesn't know anyone getting married. I on the other hand have six weddings to attend in 10 weekends. I'm going to Texas at the end of the month to see a friend and even THEN we're going to a wedding.

So, if you are fortunate enough to know someone that wants to share the rest of their life with another person and you are called upon to give a toast, here are some helpful hints.

1) Keep it short. This isn't the Lincoln/Douglas debate. Brevity is your best friend in this case. People just want to eat, or drink, or dance. You are personally holding all of that up.

2) Stay sober. You don't have to be Amish, just keep a lid on the old Drunk Tank till after you've handed off the microphone. After you're done talking you can sprint to the bar for a beer bong if you'd like, but beforehand show some restraint. Cause you don't want to do number three accidentally under the influence.

3) Don't tell a reverse racist joke. "No, it's cool, cause it's about white people and I'm white." Noooo, drunk father of the bride, it's embarressing.

4) Limit your childhood memories. You get one funny story about the bride/groom to establish a relationship, you get one funny story about how they met/fell in love/proposed and that's it. That's two funny stories, max.

5) Make sure the story is FUNNY. The one where Ben called cause he was trying to bake a cake and needed a teaspoon and said "I'm looking all over, but I don't think we have one. Julie doesn't drink tea," is funny. The one where Ben got wasted on SoCo, spent all night vomiting and then you drew a moustache on his passed out face? Not wedding toast funny. Not even real life funny. You're actually kind of a jerk, dude. Why'd Ben even invite you to his wedding?

6) Do NOT reveal that the bride and groom have been living together before they got married if this is not common knowledge. Nothing makes Daddy less happy than finding out he's been paying rent for an apartment the bride hadn't even been using. Or makes Grandma more confused, because she's been to the groom's apartment, and there was only one bed.

7) Do not say the bride helped "straighten out" the groom's life. People will take that to mean a) the groom used to be a druggie or b) the groom used to be a homosexual. Neither option is optimal.

8) Focus the spotlight. Remember, this speech is about them and how great love is. Not you and how awesome you are. If people wanted to come just to listen to you speak, you'd have your own one-man show "Bridal Toasts" playing off-Broadway. Do you have your own one-man show "Bridal Toasts" playing off-Broadway? I didn't think so.

9) Keep it short. Seriously, wrap it up all ready. My food's getting cold.

JUST SO YOU KNOW

There'll be a Wednesday Word later today, but real quick two things.

1) Yesterday, as you may have noticed, was 6-6-06. Allegedly this was going to be terrible for the entire world because we all know that the devil works on the Judeo-Christian calendar. Instead, all we got was a remake of a movie that wasn't that great the first time around. In all the hoopla though, I don't personally remember any mention of the fact that June 6th is also the anniversary of the Allied landing on the beaches of Normandy. It'd be 11 more months before V-E day and another three months after that before World War II would be over. Interesting fact, despite taking the beaches in a relatively short time, it would be weeks before the Allied forces could actually advance much further due to the German reinforcement of the hedgerows surrounding the beach. The Allies actually had a vehicle called "The Rhinoceros" that was like a bulldozer/tank to plow through them.

2) A while back I put up a link to http://onenjenifer.blogspot.com/ and I hope you all enjoy visiting Jenifer's site. In the same vein, who doesn't like cute babies? Answer: No one. Here's a blog of Carter Bracken who's... I don't know, 9 months? 9's a number right? I wouldn't link it if it were just Baby pictures, but the text under the pictures is quite clever. Scroll down a little for Passed Out Baby and Relaxacarter to see what I mean.

3) Looks like the Brewers have finally kicked their losing streak. 2 wins in a row!

4) Crap, that's 3 things, isn't it?

5) And that makes 4, and this makes Five! Things are spiraling out of control! Eject! Eject!

PASS ME YOUR PLATE

I drank a Diet Dr. Pepper today at work. I didn't want to, but I wanted the caffeine, but didn't want any coffee. Coffee is for closers. My soda options were Diet Rite, Diet Mountain Dew, Diet Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew, Coke and 7-Up. 7-Up was out because, as I said, I wanted some caffeine. Mountain Dew was out because, at the same time, I just wanted to perk up, not dash around my cubicle. I wasn't in a Coke mood, so I got Diet Dr. Pepper, because it tastes MORE like Regular Dr. Pepper. It also tastes MORE like someone took all the fun out of my soda.

I hate diet soda. I hate the taste of it. It's like someone left the can sitting in the sun for a day and then handed it to me to drink.

But other people seem to love the stuff. I think it's because they think they're doing their body some sort of service by drinking diet soda instead of regular. "Hey Bill, isn't that your 6th soda in 5 hours?" "Yeah, but it's DIET soda, so back off." You want to do yourself a favor? Try cutting your soda intake by a factor of 3, then you could even afford to splurge on the regular stuff. You know, the cans with taste in them.

Or don't. Why should you be responsible for your own diet? The government apparently doesn't think you're up to it, so why should you think differently?

Last week the FDA issued a statement saying restaurants should reduce their portion sizes in an effort to help the American people fight the Obesity Epidemic.

Right off the bat, there is no "Obesity Epidemic", what there is is "A Lot of Fat People Running Around This Country". Trust me, I'm from Wisconsin, we're basically the fatest on average state in the union, so I know of what I speak. Yellow Fever was an epidemic, The Black Death was an epidemic, AIDS IS an epidemic, asking for fourths is not.

Here's some better ideas than the FDA's plan: Get the salad instead of the fries from time to time. Have a banana for breakfast. Don't dip your french fries into the extra ranch dressing. Don't get the extra ranch dressing. Drink more water. Go for a walk twice a week around the block. Don't go for a walk, stay in and have sex. Stop to drink some more water. Go back to having sex.

I know there are people who's bodies don't break down nutrients correctly and who can't burn fat off as easily as I can. I know once you put on a lot of extra weight it's very difficult to lose it. At the same time I know that people are not idiots. If you're in a situation like this you already know you've got to monitor what you can and can't eat. It shouldn't be the government's job to hold your hand at the dinner table because a couple of idiots didn't realize that 5 dinners at McDonald's a week wasn't going to get them a swimsuit model body. Have some pasta, eat some yogurt, jog to the nearest McDonald's if you want it so badly. Yes, I know it's raining out, what did I just say about getting more water in your system?

Please people, show some common sense, so we don't have the government looking over our shoulder at the drive-through and putting limitations on the buffet line. Because they just brought out a new tray of chicken drummies and I'm in the mood for sevenths.

A MUSING

I was in Ripon, Wisconsin Thursday night. Ripon is the home of Ripon Good Cookies as well as the birthplace of the Republican party. As I was leaving town I had to go over some train tracks. In front of the tracks was a Yield sign.

Now... I think I KNOW what they were trying to get at, since there were no gates that lowered in front of this intersection, but still, WHO is not going to yield to a train?

"I'm a motorist! Let me through!"

"I'M A TRAIN! CHUGGA CHUGGA!"

"Fair enough, after you then."