WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 6-7-06
Okay, so I was HALF honest. The Wednesday Word was "later", just not "later today" later.
Today's word is "toast" as in, "Here comes another wedding toast." Since I finished college in 2002 everyone I know has decided it'd be a good idea to get married. It's funny, in a way, I have a friend named Liz (Hello Liz! [she doesn't actually read the blog]) who's my age who says she doesn't know anyone getting married. I on the other hand have six weddings to attend in 10 weekends. I'm going to Texas at the end of the month to see a friend and even THEN we're going to a wedding.
So, if you are fortunate enough to know someone that wants to share the rest of their life with another person and you are called upon to give a toast, here are some helpful hints.
1) Keep it short. This isn't the Lincoln/Douglas debate. Brevity is your best friend in this case. People just want to eat, or drink, or dance. You are personally holding all of that up.
2) Stay sober. You don't have to be Amish, just keep a lid on the old Drunk Tank till after you've handed off the microphone. After you're done talking you can sprint to the bar for a beer bong if you'd like, but beforehand show some restraint. Cause you don't want to do number three accidentally under the influence.
3) Don't tell a reverse racist joke. "No, it's cool, cause it's about white people and I'm white." Noooo, drunk father of the bride, it's embarressing.
4) Limit your childhood memories. You get one funny story about the bride/groom to establish a relationship, you get one funny story about how they met/fell in love/proposed and that's it. That's two funny stories, max.
5) Make sure the story is FUNNY. The one where Ben called cause he was trying to bake a cake and needed a teaspoon and said "I'm looking all over, but I don't think we have one. Julie doesn't drink tea," is funny. The one where Ben got wasted on SoCo, spent all night vomiting and then you drew a moustache on his passed out face? Not wedding toast funny. Not even real life funny. You're actually kind of a jerk, dude. Why'd Ben even invite you to his wedding?
6) Do NOT reveal that the bride and groom have been living together before they got married if this is not common knowledge. Nothing makes Daddy less happy than finding out he's been paying rent for an apartment the bride hadn't even been using. Or makes Grandma more confused, because she's been to the groom's apartment, and there was only one bed.
7) Do not say the bride helped "straighten out" the groom's life. People will take that to mean a) the groom used to be a druggie or b) the groom used to be a homosexual. Neither option is optimal.
8) Focus the spotlight. Remember, this speech is about them and how great love is. Not you and how awesome you are. If people wanted to come just to listen to you speak, you'd have your own one-man show "Bridal Toasts" playing off-Broadway. Do you have your own one-man show "Bridal Toasts" playing off-Broadway? I didn't think so.
9) Keep it short. Seriously, wrap it up all ready. My food's getting cold.
Today's word is "toast" as in, "Here comes another wedding toast." Since I finished college in 2002 everyone I know has decided it'd be a good idea to get married. It's funny, in a way, I have a friend named Liz (Hello Liz! [she doesn't actually read the blog]) who's my age who says she doesn't know anyone getting married. I on the other hand have six weddings to attend in 10 weekends. I'm going to Texas at the end of the month to see a friend and even THEN we're going to a wedding.
So, if you are fortunate enough to know someone that wants to share the rest of their life with another person and you are called upon to give a toast, here are some helpful hints.
1) Keep it short. This isn't the Lincoln/Douglas debate. Brevity is your best friend in this case. People just want to eat, or drink, or dance. You are personally holding all of that up.
2) Stay sober. You don't have to be Amish, just keep a lid on the old Drunk Tank till after you've handed off the microphone. After you're done talking you can sprint to the bar for a beer bong if you'd like, but beforehand show some restraint. Cause you don't want to do number three accidentally under the influence.
3) Don't tell a reverse racist joke. "No, it's cool, cause it's about white people and I'm white." Noooo, drunk father of the bride, it's embarressing.
4) Limit your childhood memories. You get one funny story about the bride/groom to establish a relationship, you get one funny story about how they met/fell in love/proposed and that's it. That's two funny stories, max.
5) Make sure the story is FUNNY. The one where Ben called cause he was trying to bake a cake and needed a teaspoon and said "I'm looking all over, but I don't think we have one. Julie doesn't drink tea," is funny. The one where Ben got wasted on SoCo, spent all night vomiting and then you drew a moustache on his passed out face? Not wedding toast funny. Not even real life funny. You're actually kind of a jerk, dude. Why'd Ben even invite you to his wedding?
6) Do NOT reveal that the bride and groom have been living together before they got married if this is not common knowledge. Nothing makes Daddy less happy than finding out he's been paying rent for an apartment the bride hadn't even been using. Or makes Grandma more confused, because she's been to the groom's apartment, and there was only one bed.
7) Do not say the bride helped "straighten out" the groom's life. People will take that to mean a) the groom used to be a druggie or b) the groom used to be a homosexual. Neither option is optimal.
8) Focus the spotlight. Remember, this speech is about them and how great love is. Not you and how awesome you are. If people wanted to come just to listen to you speak, you'd have your own one-man show "Bridal Toasts" playing off-Broadway. Do you have your own one-man show "Bridal Toasts" playing off-Broadway? I didn't think so.
9) Keep it short. Seriously, wrap it up all ready. My food's getting cold.
Labels: Worzala's Wednesday Word
posted by Matt Worzala at
9:01 AM
1 Comments:
Good advice, Matt. I can speak from my own experience that "short and sweet" is the best policy. Roth's brother was the best man at our wedding, and he did a great job. He refrained from telling the story about how when Roth and I were first dating, all we did was lay around his room, watch movies and eat Ding Dongs. The story was true, but fairly inappropriate for a mixed crowd. Plus, the word "Ding Dong?" Ugh.
On the other hand, my stepdad took over the mic, waltzed up to the front of the crowd and proceeded to thank everyone for coming to "his" wedding. Nice. This pissed off my real dad to no end. But luckily, my real dad got the last word, which is oh-so-important.
Have fun at all those weddings. Possible fodder for future blog posts, I'm sure!
By
Jen, at 12:38 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home