IN THE SHADOWS OF THE ARCHES

I caught dinner at McDonald's tonight, because I am, if nothing else, discerning about what I eat, and a trio of questions popped into my head. Maybe you, the loyal, ad clicking readers could help me answer them.

Question Number 1: What's with Mayor McCheese?

I realize that McDonald Land, or McDonia, or The United Socialist States of McDonald, may not operate on the same governmental model as the United States and therefore not need to adhere to our 2-, 4- and 6-year term structure, but has he EVER faced opposition? I mean ever? I'm 26, and while I ate little to no McDonald's growing up, I am a wealth of worthless pop culture knowledge. I remember the multi-part commercial saga of Lucky Charms adding purple horseshoes. I remember the M&M commercial where the boys discuss the hit enhancing power of green M&Ms. I remember Pac-Man the CEREAL. But I never once remember Mayor McCheese having to defend his sash in a democratic election. Doesn't that seem like too sweet of an ad campaign to pass up? Ballots could have been stuffed inside of Happy Meals, election results could have been announced during ABC's TGIF line-up. Kids could have learned that voting IS important, as well as directly tied to special interest groups spending billions of dollars to get their message out to the public.

Is "Mayor" just a misnomer? Is it his Christian first name and I've just been in the dark all of these years? Or is this a monarchical society where Mayor is no more an elected position than Baron or Duchess? And if that is the case, who actually runs the government? They have no Burger King to sit atop the throne, no scion named Wendy to replace their fallen ruler, no big star to light... up the... you know, I don't know how Hardee's works either. But that's besides the point. If Mayor McCheese is just a puppet, who runs the government? Is it a parliament? If so, is it funkadelic? Who sits on it? The Fry Guys? Please, like the Fry Guys own any land.

Question Number 2: What's with the Sea Captain?

I don't even know the guy's name, and I would have forgotten he even existed if I hadn't seen an old Cookie dispenser with his face on it. What has become of the Sea Captain? Was he a pirate? Did the law, in the guise of Big Mac, finally bring him to justice? Did he and the cresent moon piano man open a karaoke bar along the Gulf Coast? No one knows. One day he was there, the next day he was gone. Was he Irish? He promoted the Filet O'Fish sandwich, but does that mean he called The Emerald Isle his home? Not necessarily so. My father is Polish-Italian but his radio name is Austin. Maybe the Sea Captain was South African, always dreaming of his homeland and the barmaid he left in that harbor town. You know the one, she wears the braided chain with a locket that bears his name: Captain O'Fish.

More frightening than what has become of the Captain's future is what has become of his past. There are no commercials with the Captain, no toys, even the cookies aren't in his shape. It's as if someone was purging him from McDonald's history like some sort of Fast Food Trotsky. What goes on behind the scenes at McDonald's? How far do these power plays go?

Question Number 3: What is Grimace?

Seriously. Is he supposed to be the shakes or something? Cause I don't remember any purple shakes.