OPENING DAY!

Today is, weather permitting, the first day of the Milwaukee Brewer's season. Forget yesterday's game between the Washington Expos Nationals and the Atlanta Braves (Team Motto: No, it's totally cool. This Native guy lives in my apartment complex). And double forget last week's Boston Red Sox/Oakland A's two game "Opening Day" series in Japan.

MLB: So, here's the deal guys. The NFL is trying to expand their market, holding games in Mexico and England. So, we're going to counter that by sending both of your teams to Japan to play for two games.

Red Sox: That's kind of a far for an exhibition game, isn't it?

MLB: Oh, no, these games will count.

A's: Like, for reals?

MLB: Yeah, A's, for reals.

A's: I guess that's cool. It'll certainly give us a lot of time to rest before the rest of the season starts up.

MLB: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Rest? Nah, you'll come back and crank out a few more exhibition games between then and the start of the real season.

Red Sox: Soooo... we have to play real games, then come back and play more fake games, and then play more real games?

A's: And we have to cross the Lost ocean to do it?

Red Sox: Dude, that's show's not real.

A's: Uh, WRONG. I read it on the internet.

MLB: Fellahs, fellahs, we can sort out these details on the flight. It's 14 hours long and crosses the date line.

A's: What if we don't want to go?

MLB: We'll force you to relocate in Puerto Rico.

Red Sox: That's cool. Half the team's already Puerto Rican.

MLB: *sigh* Fine, we'll relocate you to Kansas City. You'll all be Royals.

A's: NOOOOOOOOO!!!

So today is the Real start of Real Baseball. The Brewers, after years of heart crushing abysmality (a highly appropriate word I possibly just made up) finally finished above .500 last year for the first time since George H.W. Bush was in the White House. This year I predict 86 wins, and the Wild Card. Mark it down and we'll see how close I came at the end of the season. (Note: come back to this post at the end of the season and edit wins so I look like a genius) (Note: remember to delete first note before posting) (Note: Also delete second note. ... and this one)

Of course, as I mentioned earlier, today's game is weather permitting, as there's a storm system over Chicago. I, just don't know if any one will come.

Wait, what's that James Earl Jones??

I AM FAIRLY INTERESTED IN BLACK PEOPLE

This:



Is apparently a big deal.

Not because it is the first time that a black man has been featured on the cover of Vogue.

No, of course not, that's a stupid thing to celebrate. Diversity. Pffft.

No, it's a big deal because it is.... wait for it...

RACIST

Because you see, it's not ACTUALLY a picture of one of the most popular athletes in the world with one of the most famous super models, no, no, no. What are you? Slow?

And it's not, as I thought, another reminder that not only could LeBron destroy me in a game of pick-up if he spotted me the first 9 points, but he is also attractive to women. That is only what an idiot would think.

It's instead a reinforcement of "the criminalization of black men" according to, well, a gym teacher.

Never mind that LeBron himself was pleased with the picture. What does he, as a young black man, know about the portrayal of young black men in the media? He didn't even GO to college!

There are really only two people that should be upset about this cover. Tom Brady, because LeBron is getting handsy with his lady, and Bridget Moynahan, because Gisele is the woman Tom dumped her for. While pregnant. Gooo Patriots!!

Jason Whitlock has more to say on the topic. I don't always agree with him, but I think he's on target here. Even if I am, you know, a terrible racist.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be researching the cover of the first Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue to feature a black woman for subtle racial undertones.

I may be a while.

SPRING COMES BEFORE THE FALL

When you watch football, you'll hear announcers talk about having to "wrap up" an offensive player in order to tackle him. "You gotta wrap him up around the legs" or "If you try and wrap him up around the shoulders, he's just going to shake you off." But this isn't just a figure of speech, it turns out it's actually true. If you want to take down a football player, your best bet may be to actually wrap him up.

Or at least use a wrapper.

Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall will be in a cast for at least two weeks after falling through an entertainment center after slipping on a McDonald's wrapper.

Let's review.


VS


Winner by TKO:


That's why I go to Burger King.

PUMP IT!

In some Non-Survivor news, rumor has it that the Black Eyed Peas will be releasing their last album as a group later this year. Apparently using entire songs as recording samples and figuring out new ways to rhyme "us" with "us" wears on you after a while. Well that and probably the fact that Fergie is now a Kabillion-aire who no longer needs the group, and without the "hot" girl, B.E.P is just three dudes who's idea of rhyming is repeating the same line a second time. ... which is not, actually, rhyming. Not, actually, rhyming.

Good-bye Black Eyed Peas! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!


YAYS!

SURVIVOR

(Like the Spanish Oilers, we're SPOILERS)

Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Ozzie:
Ozzie (natch)
Alexis
Amanda
Chet(gone)
Cirie
Erik
Joel(gone)
Tracy

Team Who:
Natalie
Ami
Eliza
James
Jason
Jonathon(gone)
Kathy
Parvati

Now, in case you were looking at that list and going, wait, when did Jonathon go, you have to remember last week Jonathon was sent home because of an infection spreading through his body. So even though Team Who won last week's Immunity Challenge, the numbers are still pretty close.

The big deal in the opening for Team Ozzie is the Chickens. Tracy is trying to get under Ozzie's skin by suggesting that they should start killing the chickens and eat the meat. If they kill one a week that would last them through the rest of the season. Ozzie, as a sane person, thinks this is a bad idea. "Why would you kill a renewable resource?" asks Ozzie, and really, I can't think of any reason. Can you?

Meanwhile at Team Who? camp the women are starting to work James' nerves again. They complain about having to live in a cave, they complain about the funk they've acquired and they complain about the rain. James, also a sane person, states the obvious that the Fans are no worse off than they were before the tribe swap, and at least now they live in a cave where they aren't getting rained on. Smart man that James, even if he did sit on TWO immunity idols last season. Two of them. In the final five.

Speaking of having Idols, Erik's got himself one in the form of Ozzie. If this were an Anime every time Erik looked at Ozzie his eyes would turn to stars. Or rainbows. Or robots. I can never follow those cartoons. As Cirie puts it, "If Ozzie were to get down on one knee right now, I think he and Erik would get married." Cirie, on the other hand, would not be accepting Ozzie's proposal after he drags her, Amanda and Erik out into the middle of the ocean to go hunting for fish. Cirie, not a strong swimmer, has the heebie jeebies about being so far away from shore (and I can't say I blame her) but her concerns are poo-poo'ed by the King of Atlantis. Cirie, keep in mind, does not like being poo-poo'ed. More on that later.

Hey, I wonder if Team Who's earlier feeling of uncleanliness will play a part in the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Four blindfolded players will push a giant Samoan money wheel through a course being guided by the other two players. Along the way the wheel will crush four blocks holding smaller money wheels. Those smaller money wheels have to then be placed on a puzzle board to win. Both teams move rather well for being blindfolded, you don't see any shots of people taking headers or walking full bore into a tree or anything, but Eliza isn't urging on her team with the vigor Cirie is using. Even if Cirie has to be constantly reminded that her left and the team's left were two different things. In the end Team Ozzie finally breaks their 3 challenge losing streak and wins a Herbal Essence Spa Treatment for the entire team. ... well, not the ENTIRE team. Someone's gotta go to Exile. Ozzie asks Tracy if she'd mind taking one for the team, but he asks her in the same way your parents "ask" you to take out the garbage. Jason is sent out as well, but at least he can't find ANOTHER fake idol, can he? No, no, nooooo Jason, put that down, that's a pine cone. Every random piece of plant life you find can not be the idol.

The rest of Team Ozzie enjoys a nice little scrub-down, but that's nothing compared to the waterworks going on back at Team Who? camp. Kathy is breaking down. She's been trying to send vibes out to her daughter and she doesn't feel like they're reaching her. ... I'd like to take a moment and mention that I'm not making that up. Probst gets word that Kathy is falling apart and he shows up to hear her side of the story. Not to change her mind, just to make sure she's certain she wants to leave. She says yes and Probst calls the boat. And like that, Team Who? who has YET to lose an Immunity Challenge, is down another player. Thanks Kathy, way to represent the #3 seeded Badger State.

Back at Team Ozzie, Cirie gets in Amanda's ear about Ozzie and Erik's manship and how Ozzie is only out for Ozzie. Amanda, who apparently forgot how the game works, seems surprised that Ozzie might only be looking out for Ozzie and not also for his Shark Wrasslin' Woman.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Back to even numbers thanks to Kathy, no one has to sit out for this challenge. One player will run out with a line, hook that line to a block of puzzle pieces, and then be dragged in by the rest of their team back to the beach. Once all five blocks are back, two players assemble the puzzle which forms "a perfect square". Of course this event involves the water, because Ozzie needs to have some sort of advantage.

And boy, does he take off like a fish. Ozzie has the first pack back before Eliza is even out to her's and tears back to retrieve the second pack before Eliza is even up on the beach. Ozzie then hands off to his future common-law husband for the third run but when Erik doesn't get back enough for Ozzie's liking, hubbie takes the rope for the last two package runs. ... that was an unintentional dirty metaphor, I swear it.

So Amanda and Cirie are already assembling the puzzle for Team Ozzie while Eliza is slip sliding her way to get the fifth bundle. Amanda and Cirie are still assembling the puzzle while Jason and Eliza struggle to get the puzzle pieces out of their bundles. Amanda and Cirie are stil asssembling the puzzle while Jason and Eliza try to figure out where everything goes. Come to think of it, Amanda and Cirie have been working on that puzzle for a long time. Too long it turns out, because you know what Eliza eats for breakfast?

Puzzles.

And for the second time this season Eliza helps her team come from FAR behind on a puzzle solving challenge to avoid elimination. Of course, you can almost hear Probst thinking "that's fine, but one of you's going to die or something before tribal council anyway. ... man, I look good in this shirt."

Back at Camp Ozzie, Tracy's head is on the chopping block as the next Fan to go. But Tracy, Jedi Master that she is, has a plan to save herself. She, Ami and Erik will vote for Ozzie. She and Ami will meanwhile convince Amanda and Cirie that Erik should go instead of Tracy, and that Tracy and Ami will be voting for him. Ozzie, unwilling to vote out his Boy Wonder, will vote for Tracy. That will be one vote for Tracy, two votes for Erik and three surprise votes for Ozzie. It's a brilliant plan actually, but perhaps too brilliant. For it to work Amanda and Cirie have to agree to go against Ozzie.

It's interesting to watch the discussion that takes place because at one point Tracy goes "so, what are you girls going to do?" and there's a long pause before Amanda laughs really nervously and goes "Why are you asking me?" Amanda is apparently STILL trying to play the "I'm just here for the ride" game that blew up so badly in her face last season. All that's left is the water works in the final three again. But that's a long, long ways off and right now we've got-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst, being Probst, starts right off by asking if there's a leader at camp. Tracy says Ozzie is the leader, Ozzie says that's news to him. Cirie says that while Ozzie isn't the leader, "95% of anything that anyone does, they check with Ozzie first." Which is saying that Ozzie is the leader without actually saying it. Erik then crushes some more on Ozzie by declaring that if Ozzie weren't there they'd be falling apart even quicker than they are now. Which is NOT the sort of thing you want to hear one of your key votes say about the guy you're trying to eliminate.

So we go to the vote and sure enough even a Jedi master can only make weak-minded fools do her bidding for so long. Tracy is the ONLY person not to vote for Tracy, and she is sent home to shoot womp rats in her T-16.


Mmmm, struck down Erik, you should have. Mmmm.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)

Probst sends everyone off into the night reminding them that only Team Who's rotten luck is even keeping the game close at this point and they better get things into gear, and soon.

NEXT WEEK!
What's-her-face makes a Final Four Alliance! And Erik leans he can't fly the hard way!

SURVIVOR

(Beware Traveller! Here there be SPOILERS!)

Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Ozzie:
Ozzie (natch)
Alexis
Amanda
Chet
Cirie
Erik
Joel(gone)
Tracy

Team Who:
Natalie
Ami
Eliza
James
Jason
Jonathon
Kathy
Parvati

After being blindsided by the Joel vote, Erik comes to the realization that sometimes people lie in the game of Survivor in order to further their own agenda. Seriously, I don't know what game these people are supposed to be fans of, but it's not Survivor. The next morning Tracy explains her side of things on the ousting of Joel. Man, it must be cold on that island. That's all I'm saying.

Tracy also tries to pull over Ami to the Fan side by acting like a sad-sack around camp. If you notice though, that's two different conversations edited together, as you can tell by the rather blatant change in apparel between the start and end of the talk between the women. Will Ami switch sides? Well we won't know until Tribal Council and we can't get there until we have-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
The players have to swim out to a float stacked with logs, boards and rope. Then they float those supplies back to the mat where they'll have 10 minutes to build a blockade to stop the other team from advancing. The two teams will then switch sides and the first team to overcome the barricaded chamber and get all members to the mat will win. And what do they win? SLAVES! YAYS!!

Ahhhh, I'm kidding, they win a pair of Islanders who will help show them how to better live on the island. Despite Jonathon's bum knee, he insists that he can be helpful in this challenge, so what's-her-face sits out instead. Good old what's-her-face.

Jonathon hobbles on the beach as the rest of the group swims out to get the bundles, yelling encouragement. Both teams get their supplies to the mat about the same time and the barricade building begins. Team Who? jams as much of their material into the chamber as they can, while Team Ozzie spends most of their time building a nigh-impenetrable front. This reminds me of a challenge seasons ago where the teams had to lock up a treasure chest as tightly as they could. One team tied a bunch of small knots, while the other group put all of their hope on one giant "super knot", in the end the "super knot" failed and the other team breezed to victory. The same thing happens here, as after Jason and Eliza manage to squeeze past Team Ozzie's first barricade there's nothing stopping them and the rest of the team quickly follows suit. Even Jonathon, who has to be pulled out by James and Jason at the end.

Chet and Jason are then sent off to Exile Island, but we'll get to that in a moment.

First we have to interrupt Team Who's good mood by having the doctor check on Jonathon's condition. The prognosis is not good as the doctor very bluntly informs him that if he doesn't get thee to a hospital he's going to lose his leg and possibly his life. Teary eyed and certain he had the game in his pocket, Jonathon gets on a boat and heads off into the sunset.


*sniff*

Back at Camp Who? everyone is sad that Jonathon has had to leave the game, especially James, who realizes that he is suddenly the odd man out and his lack of communicative skills, while very cool as a character trait, do him little good in a game of strategy.

Then came the Islanders


I mean the Samoans


I mean Edwin and Joe. They aren't even out of the boat before Parvati is hitting on them. Ohhhh good old Parvati. The Samoans show them how to catch fish and get crabs, ... must resist Parvati joke.... musssst fiiiight. While the Samoans teaching, the players are plotting. I know, Erik would be SHOCKED. Amanda wants to chop out Chet, because, well, he's Chet. Ami, however, feels bad for the Fans and talks to Tracy about possibly kicking out Cirie. Man, Tracy is like 10 Jedi!

Over at Exile Island Chet is Chet-tin' it up aka laying in the water. He hurt his heel I guess (I don't know how you hurt yourself just laying around all day) and doesn't want to look for the Idol, which he thinks Ozzie already has. Jason is a little more optimistic and goes looking. And then he finds it. The fake idol. The terrible fake idol. The hacked out of a piece of driftwood terrible fake idol. AND HE TAKES IT! Ohhhhhh Jason, Jason, Jason. Even Jamie thinks that's a dumb move.



Oh well, it'll only matter if Team Who loses the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Probst explains the Jonathon situation to everyone and lets them all know that he is doing much, much better now that he's gotten the wound cleaned and some IV antibiotics into him. Then he explains the challenge, two players must cross a wide gap with the rest of the team holding balancing platforms for them to stand on. Once they've crossed, the entire team must then climb a small tower where all of them must have both feet on or above the top platform. I don't know if it's because it's Fans vs Favorites or because it's the sixteenth season, but I've seen this challenge before.

James literally carries Team Who to victory, as they use a single balance pole to carry first Eliza and then Parvati across the water. Team Ozzie, meanwhile, struggle to use the poles as they're intended, inching Tracy across the gap. Before they even get back to grab Ami, Team Who is up on the platform using James as an anchor to hold everyone aloft.

Back at camp, Team Ozzie is talking about how strong of a competitor Jonathon is and how much pain he must have been in to leave. So who comes hobbling up? If you guessed Chet, congratulations! You've been watching the show! So Chet wants out because his heel really hurts. Like, a lot. Ouchies. Tracy and Erik want Chet to stick around though, so they can use his vote to get rid of Ozzie and eliminate a huge threat. Erik starts throwing around hyperbole like a zoo monkey flings poop, telling Chet it'd be the greatest thing EVER in Survivor history if he could do this with his "last dying breath". Chet is undecided. I'm reminded of, I want to say Survivor: Amazon where after the merge the woman's tribe members absolutely REFUSED to vote off one of their women so they would have numbers on the guys. Every week the woman would beg to be voted off because she hated it and was sick and every week the women would vote off a guy instead. Funny, really, when you think about it. Unless you were that woman, I guess.

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
People talk about Jonathon and the possibility of Ozzie having the Immunity Idol. Ozzie denies it and then seems to speak prophetically as he says if he's voted off it would be a complete blindsiding. Chet, for his part, is dumb and doesn't say "I want to go home" but instead says something about no one ever knowing who's going home. So, you know, way to blow the potential blindsiding Chet. None the less, Ozzie refuses to play the immunity idol and the votes come out.

Chet. Chet. Chet. Chhhhhhhhet. And like that, Chet is gone! Even Erik voted for him, proving that Erik has no idea what he's doing in this game. At all. Tracy, meanwhile, watches her Survivor plans go up in a cloud of pink smoke.


BONADUCE SLAM!

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)

NEXT WEEK!
Life is hard. Hard for the Fans. Hard for Team Who. Hard. Hard. Hard. Welcome to Survivor!

GONE BABY, GONE

I will be out of town this weekend until Monday. I received a phone call last night telling me that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays picked up my contract and I need to report to spring training. Apparently they're pretty good at both pitcher and first base, but they just need more bodies to absorb hard slides into second base and 90 mile per hour retaliatory fastballs to the upper rib cage the next time they play the Yankees.

So it's a mixed blessing, especially since I won't even get to SEE Survivor until Monday, so there'll be no recap until then, if at all for this week. That really has me feeling bad. That and the hard slides into second base. I heard they let major league players wear metal cleats. That doesn't seem fair.

YANKEES SIGNING INTENTIONS CRYSTAL CLEAR

The New York Yankees have announced intentions to sign 60 year old comedian Billy Crystal to a one-day contract. Barring disapproval by Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, Crystal, a life long Yankees fan, will play Thursday in a spring training game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The immediate ramifications have been felt throughout the rest of the MLB. The Boston Red Sox are already offering huge two-day contracts to both Ben and Casey Affleck, in an effort to stay ahead of the Yankees in the completely unimportant spring training pennant race.

The Milwaukee Brewers, meanwhile, have announced signing Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins, Charlie Sheen and that kid from Rookie Of The Year that went on to be in "that pie movie" all to lucrative multi-year contracts as their new pitching rotation. When informed he would be released from his contract with the Brewers, Olympic Gold Medalist Ben Sheets broke down into tears. He then immediately contracted pneumonia from the tears and was put on 85 day injured reserve.

SURVIVOR

*cough* *cough* Sorry for the delay on the *cough**hork**hack**cough*wheeze* Survivor recap. I've been sick the past.... millennium or so (at least that's how it feels). But, cause you demanded it, and because I'm too lazy to create original content and badly need the 4 cents a day I average in ad revenue, here is this week on... SURVIVOR

(Spoilers. Really? Yeah, really.)



Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary gone
Mikey B gone
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island) gone
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji) gone

Maybe it was the cold and the coughing and the sweats, but it struck me that a lot of the beginning of this week was recap. Probably because nothing too important happens until the teams show up for-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
But before there can be a reward challenge, drop your buffs everyone, it's time to-

TEAM SWAP!
By luck of the draw Ozzie and Natalie are the new team captains. If you found yourself going "Ozzie and who?" don't feel too bad. That girl is Natalie, and she's done nothing so far. Which means she'll make the jury. Seriously. The girl has kept her head down and her mouth shut, and they haven't even started airing interview segments with her yet. Why? Cause she's probably got a LOT of face time coming her way in the back half of the season. Trust me, Denise was the same way. So was Brian in Thailand.

New Teams! Team Ozzie and Team Who!
Team Ozzie:
Ozzie (natch)
Alexis
Amanda
Chet
Cirie
Erik
Joel
Tracy

Team Who:
Natalie
Ami
Eliza
James
Jason
Jonathon
Kathy
Parvati

The two funny parts to come out of this are Ozzie trying to pick Joel and calling him Troy, not once but three times.
Ozzie- Troy.
*Everyone looks around*
Probst- Who?
Ozzie- Troy?
Probst- Joel?
Ozzie- Yeah, Troy. Joel. Whichever.

That and the indignation Parvati had when Jason called her "Poverty" when he picked her. Hey, if she was named "Jason" people wouldn't screw it up so much. ... if she were named "Jason" and looked like this though:

That'd probably just confuse people more.

So, now that everyone has new fresh smelling buffs and the winning team has been offered meat and wine it's time to get to the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Pairs are tethered together and forced to run a course. Pair A tries to avoid Pair B for a full minute, if they do, they get a point. If Pair A catches them, then they get the point. Nothing like racing through a maze of low and middle hanging wooded beams to soften up the competition. Parvati gets a fat lip, Ami lands awkwardly and spends the rest of the episode gimping around and Jonathon makes a diving tag that leaves him with a gaping hole in his leg next to his knee. But none of those injuries match the sheer brutality that Joel visits on his partner Chet. After one bad tumble Chet literally can't get back to his feet for the final 30 seconds so Joel just drags him through the mud, slamming his head twice into a wooden beam and then sending him flipping over another beam. That Chet wasn't stretchered off the island right then and there was a miracle.

In the end Team Who wins the challenge. But every time God closes a door he opens a window and Team Ozzie gets to go back to the Favorites camp. I have to believe the Fans thought they had died on the trip over and ended up in heaven, that's how amazed they were about their new digs. And THEN the remaining Favorites took them all to their Summer Home, aka the cave, and showed them that area too.

Oh yeah, and then Amanda caught, wrestled, and killed a 40 pound shark, so they had 40 pounds of shark meat to feast on. Said Amanda "I found a shark in the net! I'm from Montana, we don't have sharks in Montana! So I had to, you know, just kinda, I guess, wrestle it." That Ozzie didn't drag her off and make passionate love to her right then and there is a testament to his self-restraint.

While Team Ozzie is putting a good face on their loss, Team Who is having a big ol' frowny face put on their win. First, there's home, sweet home.

Then there's the difficulty they have cooking their Reward, as the Fans (who, remember, are all HUGE FANS OF SURVIVOR), have built their fire pit beneath the TIDELINE. James wonders out loud how these people are even still alive.

Speaking of staying alive, Jonathon's in real bad shape with his knee. The medical team comes in that night and cleans out the wound, which looks a lot like the Sarlacc Pit. I think I can even see a little Boba Fett falling to his tiny death before they stitch it up. Morning finally comes and the Favorites jump into action. Just to show how easy it is when you know what you're doing, under the direction of the Favorites, Team Who has a new space cleared, fire pit dug and shelter built in ONE HOUR.

Let's review. 12 days on their own:


ONE day with the Favorites:


Good thing these people are fans, or who knows WHAT might have happened!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Four of the players have to throw rocks to break four clay tablets. When the four tablets break they will drop four stacks of puzzle pieces. The four players then give those pieces to three of the players to assemble into a color matching puzzle. The last player is in an elevated chair helping them figure out the puzzle from above. Team Ozzie jumps out to a huge lead despite Joel's ability to hit the broad side of a barn, let alone a clay tablet. James, Jason, Natalie and Jonathon are getting frustrated because they've finally hit all four clay tablets, but two of them refuse to break completely, keeping their pieces suspended in the air. At one point Jonathon hits a tablet and the rock bounces off causing him to throw his hands in the air and go "I mean... MY ASS!!" So it looks hopeless for Team Who.

But then we get to the puzzle and Team Ozzie can NOT figure out how it's supposed to work. And suddenly Team Who has broken all of their tablets and Ami, Kathy and Parvarti are clicking on the puzzle with Eliza leading them from on high. This leads Joel to start panicking and yelling advice to Chet, who's doing his best to a) solve the puzzle and b) not fall out of his chair. Joel's frustration grows and grows but even his rage can't stop Team Who from coming from behind to snatch victory out of the jaws of Chet.

Back at Team Ozzie, everyone agrees that Chet should go home tonight. Everyone. Ozzie, Joel, Erik, Amanda, Chet. Even the chickens agree. Everyone but Tracy. And Cirie. And those two, who have been behind all of the biggest power plays so far this season, conspire to get rid of Joel instead. Cirie makes the very valid point that for as big as Joel is he has yet to either a) dominate at a challenge or b) win one convincingly. Which is true. The only two wins Joel has under his belt have been team efforts, one of which involved puzzle solving (the first cart race) and accuracy shooting (the coconut net challenge). But still, I mean, Chet HAS to go, right?

Right?

Ri-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Joel refuses to apologize for almost murdering Chet in the reward challenge and the team talks about how much stronger they're going to be after tonight's vote. Then the votes are read.
Joel. Chet. Joel. Chet. Joel. Joel. Joel. Joel.

BONADUCE SLAM!

Poor Erik. He never saw it coming. And poor Chet. Now he's got to spend another three days on that island.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay(Favorites)
Mary(Fans)
Yau-man(Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)

NEXT WEEK
If Jason plays that fake immunity idol, James is going to lose it. If Jonathon doesn't leave the game, he's going to lose his leg.

FROZEN TEARS EVERYWHERE

It's official, Brett Favre, Super Bowl Champion, 3 Time MVP, Actor, has retired.

No joke, people are crying here today in Wisconsin. Women, children, grown men, across the board. It's not a shocking revelation, Favre has been hinting about retiring for about 4 years now, but it's still a sad day for Packer fans. 202 quarterbacks have opened games since Favre became the Packer's starter. He holds all sort of records, including a starting quarterback record that will probably never be touched.

One of my favorite memories of Brett Favre was a few years ago. They were playing, let's say the Raiders [Ed.-It was actually the Giants], and Favre had been hit hard the play before, but stayed in the game, as was usual for him. Dropping back into the pocket, he heaved a bomb [Ed.-It was 28 yards] down the sidelines for an incredible touchdown[Ed.- It was pretty incredible]. He then staggered off the field and the next day it was revealed he'd had a concussion at the time of the pass and didn't even remember throwing the ball.

I don't care who you are, that's pretty darn tough.

That, and his willingness to talk trash to 300 pound linebackers that were paid specifically to slam him into the ground.


*sniff*
Oh, say it isn't so vaguely red haired Brett Favre Bobble Head!


At least we'll always have Mastercard.