I THOUGHT MAGIC WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, LIKE A CLOWN. NOT SCARY, LIKE A CLOWN.

Okay. Explain this to me.

This guy gets FIRED for performing a simple magic trick.

But David Blaine, love child of Harry Potter and Gandalf (and don't pretend like THAT pairing doesn't exist somewhere on the Internet), has his own TV special?

Not that you can say no to the man, anyone that can ASK for a second punch from Kimbo Slice is someone I don't want to mess with.



My brain KNOWS that that is a trick. But my brain also tries to convince me there's a murderer hiding behind my shower curtain when I'm brushing my teeth in the morning. My brain and I kind of have an adversarial relationship.

I will tell you this, and this is a fact. He approaches me on the street, and I'm running for my life. Which is what these two guys should have done.

SPRING COMES BEFORE THE FALL

When you watch football, you'll hear announcers talk about having to "wrap up" an offensive player in order to tackle him. "You gotta wrap him up around the legs" or "If you try and wrap him up around the shoulders, he's just going to shake you off." But this isn't just a figure of speech, it turns out it's actually true. If you want to take down a football player, your best bet may be to actually wrap him up.

Or at least use a wrapper.

Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall will be in a cast for at least two weeks after falling through an entertainment center after slipping on a McDonald's wrapper.

Let's review.


VS


Winner by TKO:


That's why I go to Burger King.

B-DOUBLE E-DOUBLE R-U-N

The Smoking Gun reported a story about a woman arrested for driving drunk in Oregon. She was found "unconscious in her car" which was "running and in a snow bank...at 11:30 AM on December 28." The ironic stopping point? Mere feet from a "Don't Drink And Drive" sign.

They had to break the window to get her out, and she was hospitalized for a day before being released. Blood work done on her revealed a blood alcohol level of....

Drum Roll Please

0.72!

How high is that? So high The University of Oklahoma's Police Department's website doesn't even chart it!! It stops at .51, and that's if she was 100 pounds, and had had 10 drinks in less than an hour. And I should point out that anything over .4 is potentially fatal. This woman drank her way to Death's door, then kicked her way in and asked where the liquor cabinet was.

Wisconsin, I think we've found our Patron Saint.

WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN

I've always hoped that I'll grow to be an old man. I don't know if that'll actually happen, with my record of terrible driving, my family's health history and my own fictionally high sodium levels, but if it does, I have some thoughts of the kind of old man I want to be.

I want to work some minimum wage job and just not give a rip about it. I want to wear suits all the time, so that I always look dapper. I want to just randomly curse. On days when I don't have to work I'll sit out on my yard in a lawn chair. For no reason. Just because I can.

But what I want to do most is fight off three intruders in my home and shoot one of them all while HAVING A HEART ATTACK. Because then I would be Harold Crown. Who is from, I kid you not, Niceville.

That is one old man who's yard you get off of when he tells you to.