WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN

I've always hoped that I'll grow to be an old man. I don't know if that'll actually happen, with my record of terrible driving, my family's health history and my own fictionally high sodium levels, but if it does, I have some thoughts of the kind of old man I want to be.

I want to work some minimum wage job and just not give a rip about it. I want to wear suits all the time, so that I always look dapper. I want to just randomly curse. On days when I don't have to work I'll sit out on my yard in a lawn chair. For no reason. Just because I can.

But what I want to do most is fight off three intruders in my home and shoot one of them all while HAVING A HEART ATTACK. Because then I would be Harold Crown. Who is from, I kid you not, Niceville.

That is one old man who's yard you get off of when he tells you to.