SURVIVOR:CHINA FINALE
This is being written as the show happens, so if it's a little more stream of consciousness than normal, forgiveness please.
(So fresh, so hot, so full of SPOILERS)
Our Final Four are:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Todd
We start with a five minute recap of how we got this far. And then it's straight into commercials.
During the break I hear the word "Frosty" and thought he was getting a spin off show. Turns out it's the non-Asian snowman.
Everyone returns to camp congratulating themselves on how far they've made it, but it's not over yet. Also, everyone's hungry. Which is odd, I don't remember anyone eating through all of their food since Australia. Especially with the amount of fish they were catching. Hmmm...
Does Denise have a gingerbread man tattooed on her arm?
REWARD CHALLENGE!
Wow. That came quick. Slow down Probst, we still have 105 minutes.
You have to haul blocks back and forth and then fill in a wall. Winner gets pizza, beer, soda and brownies. Amanda actually starts tearing up. The Fat Boy that lives inside of Todd almost bursts through his stomach. Wait... serving of one... that's an X-large pizza Probst.
The Fat Boy drives Todd at a frenzied pace to the bridge they have to assemble and for his puzzle blocks. ... not that I'm complaining, but why does Amanda even wear shorts to the challenges? They don't do the censors any good. Todd and Amanda stall on the wall building portion and Courtney is suddenly a lot more in the game than I thought she'd be.
In the end Pixilation wins out and Amanada walks away with it. She gives a real insincere "you guys did good too" as she walks away to eat.
Uh-oh, a TWIST! She can have all the food. Or she can share with one person. Or TWO. But someone one is certainly not getting fed. In the end she chooses only Todd.
So they go off and have an awesome time. Well, I mean awesome except for when Todd tells each girl a different "it's you and me until the end" story. Other than that, it was a rock n' roll show. But into every awesome time a little buzz kill must fall. So it's time for the "Good-bye to Other Players" moment or, as we like to call it at our viewings, "Oh, They Were On This Season?" Slowly they make their way along the trail lighting firecrackers as they go. At the summit?
IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Final Immunity challenge? Huh. Looks like it'll be 3 "Final Survivors" again this season. Man, I wish they'd bring back James to bury this idea. Because it stinks. One of the three never gets any votes, and always makes the final council feel a lot more watered down. But first, a commercial break!
Seriously, they expect people to pay money for the Underdog DVD? Did anyone pay to see it in the theatre?
Oh, hello "Jericho". Maybe with the Writer's Strike people will actually watch your show. ... Probably not, Poor Man's "Lost".
Back to the challenge. Stack dishes and balance them on a pole. I see an unfair advantage for Courtney and Denise who make their living stacking dishes, but we'll see.
If it had been pillows Todd might have done better, but the Lil' Flight Attendant is first to dump his plates. Courtney drops next as she evaporates into dust. Denise then tries to make a deal and Amanda immediately blows her off. Having nothing to actual bargain with, I don't know what Denise was expecting. Heck, Rob made Amber play out the final immunity challenge on "All Star" and then he asked her to Marry Him for crying out loud.
Good-bye rice bowl, good-bye Denise. And Good-Bye Denise. No way they're letting you into the final three.
"Welcome to the Captain". Could be good. Could be the last throes of a desperate, script-less network.
We return to camp to find Denise begging Amanda for a reprieve with a pretty nice sob story. At the same time, that's a million dollar sob story, and Amanda can't risk that.
Todd, Courtney and Amanda all agree to get rid of Denise, but only Courtney agrees to tell her. Todd is still scheming, Amanda doesn't want to say because she wants to be seen as a sweetheart, cause that's her thing. She even promises Denise she won't write her name down. BA-WAHHH?? Look, there's nice and then there's dumb. Denise's vote from the jury side of things isn't going to cost you a million.
So Amanda goes off to talk to Denise while Todd and Courtney worry about the chance of losing to Denise. As Courtney says, "this isn't welfare, it's not our fault she sucks at life."
"...I'm the biggest bitch on the planet, aren't I?"
Amanda pleads the pro-Denise platform to Courtney who doesn't seem too impressed. But we'll see what happens at-
TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Biggest thing to come out of this council is Amanada, who's playing the sweetheart game, verbally smacking down Denise. "She even said she had my back." "Uh, I've said that, but I didn't say that today." Worse still for her image, Todd then calls Amanda on it.
Denise, Todd, Denise... Denise. Uhhhhhh-oh. So much for "I won't write your name down."
Bring It On: In It To Win It has the most commercial time of any straight-to-DVD film I've ever seen.
We return to camp where Amanda is crying... again. She says Todd made her look bad in front of the jury. I think her comment made her look bad in front of the jury. Todd tries to smooth things over but she's not listening. She'd rather mope it out then hug it out. The humorous thing is that Amanda acts like she never realized before now that Todd was a schemer.
Courtney thinks she might win because she's never been fake. Sure, she's a b-word, but she's been a b-word to everyone equally. As Professor Higgens would say "it's not that I treat you badly, it's if you've ever seen me treat anyone better."
Toddy thinks he might win because while he's been a schemer and stabbed some people in the back, it IS just a game. C'mon bro's, high fives, right?
Amanda just thinks she's going to cry a bunch. Maybe that will win them over. I'm starting to doubt it. We won't know until-
TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Which we're now at.
Amanda mentions being blessed and feels bad for kicking out James, Jean-Robert and Frosti. Curiously she doesn't mention Denise, and it was her idea to get rid of James.
Todd says "I've lived my dream" and thanks the jury. Wow. Why not sing a verse of "God Bless America" while you're at it. He plays the "small boy" card just like Amanda predicted.
Courtney makes the case that she stuck around longer than anyone thought, she DID win an immunity challenge and that she was always upfront with people so she should be credited for that. Oh, and for not dying. They need to give her credit for that too.
James goes first- he asks a nice question because, as he figures, "there might be some hard questions coming up, and I'm not going to be a Bitter Buddy."
Jean-Robert- Who should I vote for? I don't like any of you. Courtney says "look, I made it this far, vote for me." Amanda struggles for an answer. Todd does the best by saying "Look, you were really strategic and smart, I had to get rid of the smart threat." Which is just the sort of ego stroke Jean-Robert's been looking for all game. James then laughs because it's the first time he's ever seen Jean-Robert silenced.
Peih-Gee- Todd did you slide in? Todd, hells to the no. I got Amanda, I got Courtney, I picked all of you guys off after the merge, I came into the final numbers with my people still intact. SHAZAM! Amanda, why are you always sounding apologetic, what cool thing did you do? Oh, I don't know, I chopped out James, how you like me now? No question for Courtney.
Erik- Wow. He said ass. I didn't think people from Virginia did that. Amanda gives an answer he didn't like and makes her answer again. He only asks her and sounds unconvinced. I can see the votes stacking up for Todd as we speak.
Frosti- References himself in the third person. I think he's going to go with Courtney, they were Schmoopie for each other. Todd apologizes for sticking a shiv in him. But now he seems ticked that she got him kicked out. She tells the truth about no one trusting her about actually voting against Frosti. I don't know if he actually believes her. More the pity. No question for Amanda.
Jamie- Well it's time of the show when someone goes off. Jamie, who's had the longest to sit and stew comes out both barrels. Courtney doesn't do a good enough job of bad mouthing Todd, so Todd and Amanda take the opportunity to-
Bondacue Slam
(So fresh, so hot, so full of SPOILERS)
Our Final Four are:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Todd
We start with a five minute recap of how we got this far. And then it's straight into commercials.
During the break I hear the word "Frosty" and thought he was getting a spin off show. Turns out it's the non-Asian snowman.
Everyone returns to camp congratulating themselves on how far they've made it, but it's not over yet. Also, everyone's hungry. Which is odd, I don't remember anyone eating through all of their food since Australia. Especially with the amount of fish they were catching. Hmmm...
Does Denise have a gingerbread man tattooed on her arm?
REWARD CHALLENGE!
Wow. That came quick. Slow down Probst, we still have 105 minutes.
You have to haul blocks back and forth and then fill in a wall. Winner gets pizza, beer, soda and brownies. Amanda actually starts tearing up. The Fat Boy that lives inside of Todd almost bursts through his stomach. Wait... serving of one... that's an X-large pizza Probst.
The Fat Boy drives Todd at a frenzied pace to the bridge they have to assemble and for his puzzle blocks. ... not that I'm complaining, but why does Amanda even wear shorts to the challenges? They don't do the censors any good. Todd and Amanda stall on the wall building portion and Courtney is suddenly a lot more in the game than I thought she'd be.
In the end Pixilation wins out and Amanada walks away with it. She gives a real insincere "you guys did good too" as she walks away to eat.
Uh-oh, a TWIST! She can have all the food. Or she can share with one person. Or TWO. But someone one is certainly not getting fed. In the end she chooses only Todd.
So they go off and have an awesome time. Well, I mean awesome except for when Todd tells each girl a different "it's you and me until the end" story. Other than that, it was a rock n' roll show. But into every awesome time a little buzz kill must fall. So it's time for the "Good-bye to Other Players" moment or, as we like to call it at our viewings, "Oh, They Were On This Season?" Slowly they make their way along the trail lighting firecrackers as they go. At the summit?
IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Final Immunity challenge? Huh. Looks like it'll be 3 "Final Survivors" again this season. Man, I wish they'd bring back James to bury this idea. Because it stinks. One of the three never gets any votes, and always makes the final council feel a lot more watered down. But first, a commercial break!
Seriously, they expect people to pay money for the Underdog DVD? Did anyone pay to see it in the theatre?
Oh, hello "Jericho". Maybe with the Writer's Strike people will actually watch your show. ... Probably not, Poor Man's "Lost".
Back to the challenge. Stack dishes and balance them on a pole. I see an unfair advantage for Courtney and Denise who make their living stacking dishes, but we'll see.
If it had been pillows Todd might have done better, but the Lil' Flight Attendant is first to dump his plates. Courtney drops next as she evaporates into dust. Denise then tries to make a deal and Amanda immediately blows her off. Having nothing to actual bargain with, I don't know what Denise was expecting. Heck, Rob made Amber play out the final immunity challenge on "All Star" and then he asked her to Marry Him for crying out loud.
Good-bye rice bowl, good-bye Denise. And Good-Bye Denise. No way they're letting you into the final three.
"Welcome to the Captain". Could be good. Could be the last throes of a desperate, script-less network.
We return to camp to find Denise begging Amanda for a reprieve with a pretty nice sob story. At the same time, that's a million dollar sob story, and Amanda can't risk that.
Todd, Courtney and Amanda all agree to get rid of Denise, but only Courtney agrees to tell her. Todd is still scheming, Amanda doesn't want to say because she wants to be seen as a sweetheart, cause that's her thing. She even promises Denise she won't write her name down. BA-WAHHH?? Look, there's nice and then there's dumb. Denise's vote from the jury side of things isn't going to cost you a million.
So Amanda goes off to talk to Denise while Todd and Courtney worry about the chance of losing to Denise. As Courtney says, "this isn't welfare, it's not our fault she sucks at life."
"...I'm the biggest bitch on the planet, aren't I?"
Amanda pleads the pro-Denise platform to Courtney who doesn't seem too impressed. But we'll see what happens at-
TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Biggest thing to come out of this council is Amanada, who's playing the sweetheart game, verbally smacking down Denise. "She even said she had my back." "Uh, I've said that, but I didn't say that today." Worse still for her image, Todd then calls Amanda on it.
Denise, Todd, Denise... Denise. Uhhhhhh-oh. So much for "I won't write your name down."
Bring It On: In It To Win It has the most commercial time of any straight-to-DVD film I've ever seen.
We return to camp where Amanda is crying... again. She says Todd made her look bad in front of the jury. I think her comment made her look bad in front of the jury. Todd tries to smooth things over but she's not listening. She'd rather mope it out then hug it out. The humorous thing is that Amanda acts like she never realized before now that Todd was a schemer.
Courtney thinks she might win because she's never been fake. Sure, she's a b-word, but she's been a b-word to everyone equally. As Professor Higgens would say "it's not that I treat you badly, it's if you've ever seen me treat anyone better."
Toddy thinks he might win because while he's been a schemer and stabbed some people in the back, it IS just a game. C'mon bro's, high fives, right?
Amanda just thinks she's going to cry a bunch. Maybe that will win them over. I'm starting to doubt it. We won't know until-
TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Which we're now at.
Amanda mentions being blessed and feels bad for kicking out James, Jean-Robert and Frosti. Curiously she doesn't mention Denise, and it was her idea to get rid of James.
Todd says "I've lived my dream" and thanks the jury. Wow. Why not sing a verse of "God Bless America" while you're at it. He plays the "small boy" card just like Amanda predicted.
Courtney makes the case that she stuck around longer than anyone thought, she DID win an immunity challenge and that she was always upfront with people so she should be credited for that. Oh, and for not dying. They need to give her credit for that too.
James goes first- he asks a nice question because, as he figures, "there might be some hard questions coming up, and I'm not going to be a Bitter Buddy."
Jean-Robert- Who should I vote for? I don't like any of you. Courtney says "look, I made it this far, vote for me." Amanda struggles for an answer. Todd does the best by saying "Look, you were really strategic and smart, I had to get rid of the smart threat." Which is just the sort of ego stroke Jean-Robert's been looking for all game. James then laughs because it's the first time he's ever seen Jean-Robert silenced.
Peih-Gee- Todd did you slide in? Todd, hells to the no. I got Amanda, I got Courtney, I picked all of you guys off after the merge, I came into the final numbers with my people still intact. SHAZAM! Amanda, why are you always sounding apologetic, what cool thing did you do? Oh, I don't know, I chopped out James, how you like me now? No question for Courtney.
Erik- Wow. He said ass. I didn't think people from Virginia did that. Amanda gives an answer he didn't like and makes her answer again. He only asks her and sounds unconvinced. I can see the votes stacking up for Todd as we speak.
Frosti- References himself in the third person. I think he's going to go with Courtney, they were Schmoopie for each other. Todd apologizes for sticking a shiv in him. But now he seems ticked that she got him kicked out. She tells the truth about no one trusting her about actually voting against Frosti. I don't know if he actually believes her. More the pity. No question for Amanda.
Jamie- Well it's time of the show when someone goes off. Jamie, who's had the longest to sit and stew comes out both barrels. Courtney doesn't do a good enough job of bad mouthing Todd, so Todd and Amanda take the opportunity to-
Todd is the only one willing to say he deserves the money.
Denise- Wow. Unpony-tailed that's a BIG mullet. Denise takes her time to read each of them the riot act. Oh, except for Courtney. Maybe this being "the biggest bitch on the planet" could be worth $1,000,000.
My guesses?
Amanda 2 (James, Peih-Gee)
Courtney 2 (Frosti, Denise)
Todd 3 (Jean-Robert, Erik, Jamie)
They used to let you make a closing argument as well. I'm sorry they don't have that any more.
Time to vote. I get Jamie right, I get Erik wrong, I got Denise right, Jean-Robert can't work a pen. Now we get the classic Probst psych-out... wow! They're suddenly live in Hollywood. No cross-country trek, no jet ski, no chopper parachute... I'm... I'm actually a little sad.
Holy crap, someone ate Courtney! Oh, no that's her, she actually just has meat on her bones and looks normal. I think Todd is wearing lipstick.
Votes:
Courtney
Amanda
Todd
Courtney
Todd
Todd
Todd!
Your winner of Survivor: China is Todd Herzog. All of Utah celebrates. Both of them. Hold up, he's got 18 brothers and sisters, I guess he really is Mormon.
According to Probst Todd was 14 when the show came on the air (the first one that is, not this season). He studied the game and used it to his full advantage. A statement like that makes me think my friend Andy could win this game. If he wasn't, you know, allergic to everything God ever created.
I don't really watch the Survivor Reunion, but if YOU do, remember it, because this is how you win the game.
And with that, this season of Survivor is
Labels: Survivor: China
posted by Matt Worzala at
7:08 PM
2 Comments:
Best missed Reunion show highlight--
Jamie and Erik admitting that they're now dating. Jeff then putting Erik on the spot to ask if that means he's still a virgin.
By
Anonymous, at 9:33 AM
Yeah, I really liked that one too. Soooo are you still a virgin? Uhhh... yeah.
My favorite was Courtney going "so I get a lot of kids saying hi to me"
Probst- "So that must be nice. Though I've got to ask do-"
Courtney- "No, I don't even like kids."
And yeah, Denise's begging towards the end was unseemly. Her and Amanda. Give me the unrepentant "It's Just A Game" people any day.
By
Matt Worzala, at 2:32 PM
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