SURVIVOR:CHINA FINALE

This is being written as the show happens, so if it's a little more stream of consciousness than normal, forgiveness please.
(So fresh, so hot, so full of SPOILERS)

Our Final Four are:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Todd

We start with a five minute recap of how we got this far. And then it's straight into commercials.

During the break I hear the word "Frosty" and thought he was getting a spin off show. Turns out it's the non-Asian snowman.

Everyone returns to camp congratulating themselves on how far they've made it, but it's not over yet. Also, everyone's hungry. Which is odd, I don't remember anyone eating through all of their food since Australia. Especially with the amount of fish they were catching. Hmmm...

Does Denise have a gingerbread man tattooed on her arm?

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Wow. That came quick. Slow down Probst, we still have 105 minutes.
You have to haul blocks back and forth and then fill in a wall. Winner gets pizza, beer, soda and brownies. Amanda actually starts tearing up. The Fat Boy that lives inside of Todd almost bursts through his stomach. Wait... serving of one... that's an X-large pizza Probst.

The Fat Boy drives Todd at a frenzied pace to the bridge they have to assemble and for his puzzle blocks. ... not that I'm complaining, but why does Amanda even wear shorts to the challenges? They don't do the censors any good. Todd and Amanda stall on the wall building portion and Courtney is suddenly a lot more in the game than I thought she'd be.

In the end Pixilation wins out and Amanada walks away with it. She gives a real insincere "you guys did good too" as she walks away to eat.

Uh-oh, a TWIST! She can have all the food. Or she can share with one person. Or TWO. But someone one is certainly not getting fed. In the end she chooses only Todd.

So they go off and have an awesome time. Well, I mean awesome except for when Todd tells each girl a different "it's you and me until the end" story. Other than that, it was a rock n' roll show. But into every awesome time a little buzz kill must fall. So it's time for the "Good-bye to Other Players" moment or, as we like to call it at our viewings, "Oh, They Were On This Season?" Slowly they make their way along the trail lighting firecrackers as they go. At the summit?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Final Immunity challenge? Huh. Looks like it'll be 3 "Final Survivors" again this season. Man, I wish they'd bring back James to bury this idea. Because it stinks. One of the three never gets any votes, and always makes the final council feel a lot more watered down. But first, a commercial break!

Seriously, they expect people to pay money for the Underdog DVD? Did anyone pay to see it in the theatre?

Oh, hello "Jericho". Maybe with the Writer's Strike people will actually watch your show. ... Probably not, Poor Man's "Lost".

Back to the challenge. Stack dishes and balance them on a pole. I see an unfair advantage for Courtney and Denise who make their living stacking dishes, but we'll see.

If it had been pillows Todd might have done better, but the Lil' Flight Attendant is first to dump his plates. Courtney drops next as she evaporates into dust. Denise then tries to make a deal and Amanda immediately blows her off. Having nothing to actual bargain with, I don't know what Denise was expecting. Heck, Rob made Amber play out the final immunity challenge on "All Star" and then he asked her to Marry Him for crying out loud.

Good-bye rice bowl, good-bye Denise. And Good-Bye Denise. No way they're letting you into the final three.

"Welcome to the Captain". Could be good. Could be the last throes of a desperate, script-less network.

We return to camp to find Denise begging Amanda for a reprieve with a pretty nice sob story. At the same time, that's a million dollar sob story, and Amanda can't risk that.

Todd, Courtney and Amanda all agree to get rid of Denise, but only Courtney agrees to tell her. Todd is still scheming, Amanda doesn't want to say because she wants to be seen as a sweetheart, cause that's her thing. She even promises Denise she won't write her name down. BA-WAHHH?? Look, there's nice and then there's dumb. Denise's vote from the jury side of things isn't going to cost you a million.

So Amanda goes off to talk to Denise while Todd and Courtney worry about the chance of losing to Denise. As Courtney says, "this isn't welfare, it's not our fault she sucks at life."

"...I'm the biggest bitch on the planet, aren't I?"

Amanda pleads the pro-Denise platform to Courtney who doesn't seem too impressed. But we'll see what happens at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Biggest thing to come out of this council is Amanada, who's playing the sweetheart game, verbally smacking down Denise. "She even said she had my back." "Uh, I've said that, but I didn't say that today." Worse still for her image, Todd then calls Amanda on it.

Denise, Todd, Denise... Denise. Uhhhhhh-oh. So much for "I won't write your name down."




Bring It On: In It To Win It has the most commercial time of any straight-to-DVD film I've ever seen.

We return to camp where Amanda is crying... again. She says Todd made her look bad in front of the jury. I think her comment made her look bad in front of the jury. Todd tries to smooth things over but she's not listening. She'd rather mope it out then hug it out. The humorous thing is that Amanda acts like she never realized before now that Todd was a schemer.

Courtney thinks she might win because she's never been fake. Sure, she's a b-word, but she's been a b-word to everyone equally. As Professor Higgens would say "it's not that I treat you badly, it's if you've ever seen me treat anyone better."

Toddy thinks he might win because while he's been a schemer and stabbed some people in the back, it IS just a game. C'mon bro's, high fives, right?

Amanda just thinks she's going to cry a bunch. Maybe that will win them over. I'm starting to doubt it. We won't know until-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Which we're now at.

Amanda mentions being blessed and feels bad for kicking out James, Jean-Robert and Frosti. Curiously she doesn't mention Denise, and it was her idea to get rid of James.

Todd says "I've lived my dream" and thanks the jury. Wow. Why not sing a verse of "God Bless America" while you're at it. He plays the "small boy" card just like Amanda predicted.

Courtney makes the case that she stuck around longer than anyone thought, she DID win an immunity challenge and that she was always upfront with people so she should be credited for that. Oh, and for not dying. They need to give her credit for that too.

James goes first- he asks a nice question because, as he figures, "there might be some hard questions coming up, and I'm not going to be a Bitter Buddy."

Jean-Robert- Who should I vote for? I don't like any of you. Courtney says "look, I made it this far, vote for me." Amanda struggles for an answer. Todd does the best by saying "Look, you were really strategic and smart, I had to get rid of the smart threat." Which is just the sort of ego stroke Jean-Robert's been looking for all game. James then laughs because it's the first time he's ever seen Jean-Robert silenced.

Peih-Gee- Todd did you slide in? Todd, hells to the no. I got Amanda, I got Courtney, I picked all of you guys off after the merge, I came into the final numbers with my people still intact. SHAZAM! Amanda, why are you always sounding apologetic, what cool thing did you do? Oh, I don't know, I chopped out James, how you like me now? No question for Courtney.

Erik- Wow. He said ass. I didn't think people from Virginia did that. Amanda gives an answer he didn't like and makes her answer again. He only asks her and sounds unconvinced. I can see the votes stacking up for Todd as we speak.

Frosti- References himself in the third person. I think he's going to go with Courtney, they were Schmoopie for each other. Todd apologizes for sticking a shiv in him. But now he seems ticked that she got him kicked out. She tells the truth about no one trusting her about actually voting against Frosti. I don't know if he actually believes her. More the pity. No question for Amanda.

Jamie- Well it's time of the show when someone goes off. Jamie, who's had the longest to sit and stew comes out both barrels. Courtney doesn't do a good enough job of bad mouthing Todd, so Todd and Amanda take the opportunity to-

Bondacue Slam

Todd is the only one willing to say he deserves the money.

Denise- Wow. Unpony-tailed that's a BIG mullet. Denise takes her time to read each of them the riot act. Oh, except for Courtney. Maybe this being "the biggest bitch on the planet" could be worth $1,000,000.

My guesses?
Amanda 2 (James, Peih-Gee)
Courtney 2 (Frosti, Denise)
Todd 3 (Jean-Robert, Erik, Jamie)

They used to let you make a closing argument as well. I'm sorry they don't have that any more.

Time to vote. I get Jamie right, I get Erik wrong, I got Denise right, Jean-Robert can't work a pen. Now we get the classic Probst psych-out... wow! They're suddenly live in Hollywood. No cross-country trek, no jet ski, no chopper parachute... I'm... I'm actually a little sad.

Holy crap, someone ate Courtney! Oh, no that's her, she actually just has meat on her bones and looks normal. I think Todd is wearing lipstick.

Votes:
Courtney
Amanda
Todd
Courtney
Todd
Todd
Todd!

Your winner of Survivor: China is Todd Herzog. All of Utah celebrates. Both of them. Hold up, he's got 18 brothers and sisters, I guess he really is Mormon.

According to Probst Todd was 14 when the show came on the air (the first one that is, not this season). He studied the game and used it to his full advantage. A statement like that makes me think my friend Andy could win this game. If he wasn't, you know, allergic to everything God ever created.

I don't really watch the Survivor Reunion, but if YOU do, remember it, because this is how you win the game.

And with that, this season of Survivor is

SURVIVOR

Apologies right off the bat. I never got a chance to watch last week's Survivor. Also, the CBS feed was being jaggy again, so I only skimmed the first half, but I saw the second half live, so we're good to go, trust me. And with Erik gone I have fewer virgin jokes to make anyway.

(When the shark bites, with it's teeth SPOILERS)




Hae Da Fung is:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik(gone)
Frosti(gone)
James(gone)
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert(gone)
Peih-Gee
Todd

So, last week was family week, and I'm sorry I missed it, cause that's usual good for some tears. Denise won the challenge and pissed off Peih-Gee by not taking her. The Peih-Gee won immunity and let Erik take the ax. *sniff* You were too pure and beautiful for this world my friend.

Good morning! I find it interesting that Courtney curls up on Todd who in turn curls up on Amanda. If that's not foreshadowing, I don't know what is.

Like I said, I had to watch an abbreviated on-line version, so let's get right to the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
It's bow and arrow time for the contestants with an added twist. They get to give arrows, secretly, to other players, increasing their supply. Who ever has their name hit the most wins the reward, a trip to the Great Wall of China!

Denise winds up winning yet again and all is good in Lunch Lady Land. Todd and Courtney play peas and carrots to her Salisbury steak and the three go off for fun leaving Amanda and Peih-Gee behind to bond.

So, that's two rewards in a row that Denise has won and neither time has she taken Peih-Gee even though Peih-Gee took her to the Kung-Fu Variety Hour two weeks ago. Do you think this sits well with Peih-Gee? No. No it does not.

The Survivors eventually return to camp and Amanda has something brewing in her brain. But she'll tell Denise after-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
It's a greatest hits Immunity Challenge where the Survivors will have to first throw more throwing stars at targets. Man, I swear Sir Mix-a-lot should write a song about Amanda. Oh wait, he did.

Todd is the first casualty and it's on to the eating challenge. It's the same bird fetus that Denise couldn't swallow last time. So guess who loses? If you didn't say Denise you should maybe get off the Internet.

Courtney, Amanda and Peih-Gee are then required to put their ball handling skills to the test. Amanda moves through the course quickly. Maybe too quickly. Hmmmm... don't know how I feel about that. Peih-Gee redeems herself from the first ball bouncing challenge and finishes before Courtney.

Which is good, because the last challenge is cutting off puzzle blocks and putting them on a pole. Last time Courtney tried this challenge the ropes were breaking from old age rather than from her paltry swings. Despite a minor snag, Amanda finishes first, ending Peih-Gee's immunity streak. So what was that brilliant idea Amanda?

"I think we should get rid of Todd."

*sigh* Okay, one, everyone watching has had that idea since week 4 and two, Peih-Gee is finally vulnerable to attack and Todd has never won an individual immunity challenge. Listen Johnny, Sweep The Leg.

Let's see what they decide to do at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Wow. This is the first time I've gotten to see James since he was voted off. He looks YOUNG.

Probst asks some questions about the reward and Courtney says it was like, awesome enough, but if there'd been, like, pizza and beer or whatever, it would have been more radical. So, like, if China could keep that in mind next time, that'd be wicked.

Probst then asks why someone should or shouldn't go tonight and Peih-Gee spins some bull-oney about being a good and honest and non-cheating player. How did Aaron react to that? ...

...

... Aaron?

Ohhhh that's right, he was sent home after Peih-Gee THREW THE CHALLENGE. So you can take your "honorable style of play" and your four votes and


ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)
Frosti (Black Fighting Wind)
James (Black Fighting Wind)
Erik (Black Fighting Wind)
Peih-Gee (Black Fighting Wind)

We are down to the final show this Sunday and we're down to our Final Four Survivors. On a quick side note, myself and two friends picked players at the beginning of the show. I picked Denise and am the only person with a Survivor left. On another interesting side note, this final two (or three) will be the first all white group in three seasons since Panama and the abomination that was the Aras/Danielle final. We've been promised 3 Tribal councils so it looks like it will be a final two again this year. Which is good, because no one ever votes for that third wheel. Poor Cassandra and Becky.

If I were Denise, I'd try and take Courtney. Amanda's more popular than you, Todd played a smarter game, but Courtney's a brat.

If I were Amanda, I'd try and take Courtney. Denise is a feel good story, Courtney will vote for Todd instead of you if she's eliminated, so you've got to keep her with you. Plus, you're sweet and Courtney is sour.

If I were Todd, I'd try and take Courtney. You could maybe paint Denise as a gravy train-er (which juries hate), but they might still like her better than you. They'll like Amanda better because while she schemed Todd was still the face of the duo. But Courtney is obnoxious and disliked, you know that sir.

If I were Courtney, I'd start praying.

SURVIVOR

Sorry this is up late, The Packers played last night and in Wisconsin you're not allowed to do anything else during that time. It's not even a local law, it's a Federal law.

(One little, two little, three little SPOILERS)
Hae Da Fung is:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik
Frosti(gone)
James
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert(gone)
Peih-Gee
Todd

Last week we were surprised with... A CLIP SHOW!
So this week we finally got to come back to the cliff hanger ending of Tribal Council. It's-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as they learn no one else is going home, but the winner of this challenge plus two other contestants get to go to a secluded Shaolin Temple and witness Kung Fu. I just hope Caine's white cop son doesn't show up and ruin all the fun.

It's another brain challenge and there's no knives or burgers this time so you know James is in trouble. Sure enough, Peih-gee wins her second challenge in a row. Which is a big surprise seeing as it was a quiz on Chinese culture and she IS Asian. I mean, that's like quizzing a white guy on the history of Canada, you know?

Peih-gee takes Erik and Denise with her on the trip. Denise is excited, but worried to be leaving the group, because she knows when you're not around that's when you get left out of the loop. And out of the loop is one step away from out of the game. While they're gone James, Amanda, Todd and Courtney all enjoy a preview of the Final Four. James once again makes the Adam and Eve metaphor about not biting the apple, but then Eve (in the form of Amanda) states that maybe it IS time to switch things up. Uh-oh.

The Trio arrive at the temple where- hold on, Peih-gee IS Chinese? That IS bullcrap then! Any way, they're at the temple where- Denise does karate? For eight years? Man, the reveals are coming fast and furi- ERIK ISN'T A VIRGIN??

What a Kung Fu demonstration though. There's kicks and punches, a guy does The Worm and another guy breaks a metal bar with his head. How would you like to be the guy that had to follow that up? "Dang it, I've got to go after Yau? That show-off's probably going to do the metal bar thing and I'm going to look like a jagbag swinging my little ropes around. Dang it!"

After the demonstration the Trio gets to do some karate with the kids of the village and then Denise gives them a demonstration of her skills. In what I'm sure is supposed to be a cute reaction shot, the cameras show the faces of the children. One of the girls has the most precious "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" look on her face.

While the trio is literally living it up in a temple, the Final Four are literally squatting in a hole while it downpours around them. Cue the Trio's return where Peih-gee talks about how much fun they had. Courtney is snarky about it, and I've got to admit, I don't LIKE Courtney, but since I realized she's a 15 year old old girl in a skeleton's body, she's become a lot more fun.

Erik and Peih-gee try to get in good with the other Survivors but James makes it clear that he only listens to the Powers That Be. I thought Angel killed all of them at the end of season 5? Anyway, Erik asks him who that would be, in an effort to get more information and James holds out his one hand and goes "The Powers that Be" and then two fingers "And the Two Outsiders". "And I'm not going to screw things up with the five, by going 'oh, I don't know, let me think about it.'" Good to hear they have a plan.

Amanda- I think we should get rid of James.

Wait, what?? Oh no, how will this play out at the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Back to the combat circle and the poor man's Stargate. It's throwing star time. Top three advance to sudden death. Courtney surprises everyone scoring 6 points to tie for first place. Has Courtney been reading this book?

The final round comes down to a four way tie between The Littlest Ninja, Black Crocodile Dundee, The Pixelated Posterior and Erik the Non-Creative-Nickname-Haver. In the end Erik walks away with the immunity necklace and things are suddenly looking bad for James.

Back at camp Amanda shares her idea with Todd like it just came to her and he seems in agreement, as are Courtney and Denise. Todd then sums up the game perfectly.

"That means lying to his face. And I feel really bad about it, because I like the guy. ... But I like a million dollars too."

Peih-gee finds James' hidden immunity idol and tries to take that information to Amanda who tries not to roll her eyes too hard. Amanda then tries to spell out for Peih-Gee that she is safe, without having to spell it out. I mean, she even WINKS at Peih-gee and she still seemed clueless. None the less, it's still going to be lights out for James if he doesn't figure things out before-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst starts by bringing in the four members of the jury; Jamie, Jean-Robert, Frosti and Jamie's breasts.

Probst then asks the standard questions about trust and loyalty, James and Peih-gee snipe at each other (man, no one likes her) and everyone unconsciously warns James that they're going to screw him over tonight. None the less, James sits on the hidden immunity idols ("That I GAVE to him!") and in the end is told to head home. All of China weeps.


Even the babies.

All in all James takes it in stride, realizing he should have played an idol and that it's just a game. Good to see some people with perspective, unlike Rudy and his "I know people outside of this game you probably wouldn't want to meet" and Judd's "I hope you get bit by a crocodile."

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)
Frosti (Black Fighting Wind)
James (Black Fighting Wind)

NEXT WEEK!
Family Visits? And Denise likes to swing? Swing vote that is.

SURVIVOR

(Don't leave this out of the fridge, cause it'll SPOILERS)
Hae Da Fung is:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik
Frosti
James
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert(gone)
Peih-Gee
Todd

A loooong opening recap, basically just so Probst could say that when Jean-Robert was voted out he was "dealt a losing hand." Ohhh Probst, you rogue.

James is wising up that he might not be able to trust anyone, especially Todd and Courtney. Good to see he's learning. Denise, meanwhile is pissed that she didn't know about the vote change. A little talking to by James though soothes away all of her worries.

Now, I don't know if this is cause I watched it on-line or not but the credit sequence was just the players left and then the jury. I think that's a fantastic idea and I hope they keep it from now on.

Congratulations Peih-Gee, with Jean-Robert gone you are now official the most annoying Survivor left. James wakes everyone with a "good morning" song. I have flashbacks to Scout Camp and am filled with the desire to dump James in the river. Which river? Doesn't matter. Frosti and Courtney continue to make googy eyes at each other. Good thing I'm not diabetic or I'd be in sugar shock by now. Enough of this cutesy crapola, on to-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Teams of four have to maneuver a ball through a course by bouncing it on the head of the drums they're carrying. In a wise move, Todd picks Denise to be on their team, avoiding her being left last two rewards in a row. Also of note, helllloooo pixelation on Amanda's backside. That girl is hotter than a pound of peppers.

Erik uses his virgin powers and his mastery over handling balls to lead his team to an easy victory over Peih-gee, James, Todd and Denise. He, Amanda, Frosti and Courtney all get to enjoy a cruise and dinner. Aboard the ship there is much schmoozing, drinking, and even more cuteness by Courtney and Frosti. Courtney doesn't know what she likes so much about him, considering he's "only 20". What is she, Methuselah?

Also, a word of wisdom, any time you see two people snuggling up like Courtney and Frosti are, you need to nip that in the BUD. If Rob and Amber didn't teach you that lesson in All-Stars, then the Tom/Ian romance of Palau should have been all the evidence you needed. And no, this will not be my last Palau reference this week.

Back at camp Peih-Gee decides to blame James for their loss. "I can't believe you accused me of ever giving up," she says. Really? How did Aaron get voted out again? Oh, right, cause you threw the challenge. James is not hearing anything Peih-Gee is saying and she storms off for an angry swim. She's just mad that she hasn't won ANY of the reward challenges.

Ring!
Ring!
Hold on a second. Hello? Oh, Peih-Gee it's for you. It's Stephanie and Bobby Jon from Palua, they'd like a word with you.

Once she's gone James makes another Adam and Eve reference, this time in regards to temptation. Huh. Wonder if that'll play into anything. The other four return and it's all agreed that Peih-Gee will go home next. I mean, unless she, I don't know, wins the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Probst tells Courtney "it's time to give it up." I bet he never dreamed of saying that to her. ...I also bet it's not the first time she's heard that.

Puzzle time! It's a memory quiz, which is bad for James. But it involves a knife, so maybe the Black Crocodile Dundee will have some luck. But what's this? You can Opt out and eat instead? Oh my! Courtney, James, Todd, and Denise all decide to eat. You know, for someone that weighs 5 ozs, Courtney sure likes eating. I also find it odd that Denise, so worried last week that she might be getting the boot soon, decided to for-go playing the game. But it's okay, right? I mean, they know who's going. Peih-gee's going unless... she wins Immunity. Which she does. You hear that gunfire in the distance? That's the best laid plans being shot to pieces.

Back at camp Erik and Frosti share a moment of doomed brotherhood. Man, they're an even cuter couple than Courtney and Frosti. Which is exactly what has The Todd worried. If Erik makes it to the end, he's going to win. But Frosti is also a threat. So who goes? Erik is cute and from the south and he does an incredible goat impression, but Frosti is either winning or almost winning most of the challenges. James worries that Courtney might not want to vote off her "Survivor Boyfriend". Todd, logic machine that he is, says fine, we'll just vote off Courtney then. The guy's a loose cannon, that's all I'm saying.

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst asks James and Todd about sitting out in the challenge. James admits he ate 7 of the 12 burgers on the table and Todd says he was powerless against the will of the fat kid that lives inside of him. Frosti and Erik both know one of them is doomed and in the end

is told to


ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)
Frosti (Black Fighting Wind)

NEXT WEE-
What? They're not leaving Tribal Council?? A Twist?!? PROOOOOBST!!!!

*ahem*
NEXT WEEK
Injuries! And is Todd yelling at James?

p.s. Bonus points to Frosti for his post-vote speech. "I was beat by a tiny flight attendant, a sassy waitress and a lady with a mullet."

SURVIVOR

(Much Like The Fourth Robin, we are SPOILERS!)

One Team, One Buff, One Black Fighting Wind
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik
Frosti
James
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert
Peih-Gee
Todd

We start with James, the Black Crocodile Dundee, out catching fish and talking about how good Team Denise's position is, his personal position especially. All he needs is for Jean-Robert to stay in the dark and keep his mouth shut and everyone should be fine. In an example of how Over James is right now, he has fish jumping into his net before he can finish setting it up.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
What? Reward challenge all ready? That means there's going to be some scheming afoot this episode. Four person teams, one person gets in a little bathtub boat while the three members of the opposite team try to sink the boat by tossing buckets of water into it. Todd, James, Jean-Robert and Amanda (aka Team Awesome) take on Peih-Gee, Erik, "Frosti" and Courtney (aka Team Thanks For Coming Out). Denise is left on the bench watching as Team Awesome quickly dunks the other team twice. They win a fantastic trip to an ancient village as well as a clue to the "hidden" immunity idol.

At the village Jean-Robert is PUMPED to be reading the immunity idol clues. Everyone else does their best to not roll their eyes as they not only know all the clues, they have both immunity idols.

Back at camp, Denise commiserates about always being picked last and starts to wonder if that trend will continue once it's only Team Denise members left. Peih-Gee, The Asian Lady Macbeth, throws out the idea of the five of them tossing out Jean-Robert. No one thinks this is a bad idea, as everyone hates Jean-Robert. Denise isn't totally sold, but getting rid of Jean-Robert isn't even the craziest idea that will be brought up today.

That night, as everyone else sleeps, Jean-Robert puts Operation: Hunt And Peck into action. Even though he knows Jamie was wrong with her "immunity idol", he proceeds to remove all 6 other panels. So now he's got 6 fake immunity idols. It's like Fake Christmas came early.

Remember when I said Denise and Courtney teaming with Team Yellow wasn't the craziest idea in this episode? Well The Todd has a doozy. He's starting to crack. He's sick of Jean-Robert, he's sick of James and he's pissed that James hasn't offered him an immunity idol ("which I FOUND for him"). Like in Thailand with Brian (who played a very similar game to Todd and ended up the winner), you don't want to piss off the guy who's pulling all the strings and feels like he should be thanked for it. You will be voted off with a quickness. ESPECIALLY if you are a black man.

So if James loses at Immunity, he may be gone. Well, let's go to-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
A giant dragon with barrels full of water. You have to balance on them as the water drains. Balance challenges are always tricky. Especially for the big guys.

Great Exchange:
Jean-Robert: I don't think mine is balanced properly.
Probst: Glad you're still around Jean-Robert, always need a complainer.
Courtney: I thought I was the complainer.

Down goes Jean-Robert, down goes Denise, down goes James. The final trio are the three lightest contestants; Todd, "Frosti" and Courtney. "Frosti" uses a magic dragon song to throw The Todd off into the swamp, but in the end The 99 Cent Menu is no match for someone who doesn't eat. I'm willing to lay good money Probst never dreamed he'd be saying "Courtney, you've won immunity." Of course, watching it you can barely hear him over the sound of the necklace shattering her collar bone.

Back at camp, Jean-Robert and Erik go for a swim. Erik tells Jean-Robert he really likes him, but he's a virgin. ...no, wait, that was two episodes ago. Jean-Robert tells Erik he has the immunity idol. Erik calls B.S. knowing that James has both immunity idols. Jean-Robert looks like he just found out his Prom date, who couldn't go cause she was "sick", is dancing with the Homecoming King. He tries to bully James into giving him an idol, but James won't budge. He knows it's stupid to get on board with Jean-Robert at this point.

So then Jean-Robert runs to Todd to let him know that James has the immunity idols ("Which I FOUND for him"). Todd tries to act surprised when Jean-Robert mentions getting rid of James. Todd's worried that Jean-Robert is starting to think like a much slower version of himself and decides it's his time to go. Amanda can't believe how often Todd's changing his mind. Really, she should just cut him loose. That's all I'm saying, cause he's not really taking her to the end. He'll take Courtney instead, cause that's a guaranteed win for him. Hopefully Amanda wises up before it's her name they're writing down at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jamie doesn't look half bad cleaned up. Peih-Gee frets, Jean-Robert uses a poker metaphor, Erik tries to be charming and James calls him on it. In the voting booth we see Courtney vote for Jean-Robert, Jean-Robert vote for James and Denise vote for Peih-Gee. ...Peih-Gee?

So Peih-Gee gets one vote, and it becomes a dead heat between James and Jean-Robert. In the end Operation: Poker? Darn Near Killed Her comes to an end and Jean-Robert goes home. No one is sad.



ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)

NEXT WEEK!
Courtney Loves Frosti! James Hates Peih-Gee! Peih-Gee Hates James! Todd Hates Everyone! And Everyone Loves A Twist At Tribal Council!

SURVIVOR

Sorry for the delay. For once work kept me busy enough on a Friday that I wasn't able to get anything up for you. Forgiveness, please.

(If you don't know there's spoilers, you ain't been coming here long)

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is NOW made up of:
Aaron(gone)
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave(gone)
Erik
James
Jamie
Peih-Gee

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is NOW made up of:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Frosti
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Sherea(gone)
Todd

We start at Team Denise where they have just gotten back from voting Sherea out of the game. Man, He-Man is going to be pissed they played his cousin like that. Jean-Robert, his neck still on the block decides to set into motion Operation: Yeah, No, I Know, I'm Letting It Drop, But Can I Just Say One More Thing?. Seriously, the best way to secure your place in the tribe is to keep your head down, your mouth shut and help win a challenge or two. Don't keep everyone up all night. That's the wrong way.

Morning comes to Team Yellow and Peih-gee starts in on James about how she's always liked him and how much of an asset he can be to them and how much everyone likes and respects him on Team Yellow. Riiiiight. I'm sure he's forgotten all about you throwing the challenge two weeks ago in order to send him and Aaron home.

Later, the rest of Team Yellow now off bathing and discussing how much James must like them, James uses this time to pull off the hidden Immunity Idol. Unfortunately, he pulls off the wrong symbol first. Hearing the rest of the tribe return, James only has time to hide the real idol and has to leave the blank symbol lying on the ground.

Jamie and Erik find the blank symbol and like chimps stacking boxes to reach a wax banana, they put all the pieces together. "Sorta looks kind of idol-ish, right?" says Erik to the camera. How the cameramen have kept a straight face through this season is beyond me. James meanwhile is beside himself, "If they play that fake board at Tribal Council? Please let one of them play that. I would pass out with joy."

The joke is almost on James, however, because while he's away with Peih-Gee getting water, Jamie decides she'll look in his bag. It's not even an "oops, it tipped over and look what fell out" sort of thing, she has to turn it over, undo the clasp, reach in, pull out all of his stuff and THEN unroll his pants, where he has both immunity idols hidden. Luckily for James and unluckily for Jamie, she never actually checks to see what a real immunity idol looks like. How she figures him having two "somethings" allows for the possibility for her to have a true immunity idol is beyond me.

What's beyond Courtney back at Team Denise, is how no one wants to get rid of Jean-Robert but her. AND they all just voted out her newest best friend Sherea last episode. Boy, they all sure are mean. But like Todd tells us, "I have my people that I need. Right now, Jean-Robert is a person that I need. It's my game... BITCH."

No Reward Challenge this week, instead everyone gets the reward of New Buffs! That's right, just as Peih-Gee predicted two weeks ago, it's merge time. The team is now Back In Black, and are presented with a giant feast. "But remember," warns Probst. "The game never stops." Listen people, when Probst tells you something? It's important.

Sure enough later that day Probst pulls up in a boat with the individual immunity necklace. He'll be asking them questions about what they ate and experienced at the feast. One wrong answer and you're out. Despite my prediction that everyone would be out after one round, Frosti's Value Menu Mind kicks into high gear and wins himself immunity.

Now comes the scrambling. Jean-Robert or Jamie? Jean-Robert not-so-subtly threatens Todd with losing the million dollars (and disembowlment) if he's screwed over before the final three, while James admits that Jean-Robert might go soon, "because he's a dumb***."

But what dumb*** will prove to be dumb***ier? Let's go to-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Nothing new here as Jean-Robert once again figures running his mouth is his best strategy. And maybe it is. Maybe he figures if he's annoying enough no one will figure him a threat and carry him all the way to the final two. My guess is he's the first member of Old Team Denise to get the boot.

Everyone goes off to vote, and right before Probst reads the names, Jamie speaks up.

"We found this at camp. I was just wondering if it might be the immunity idol."

Probst looks at it as he says "It is true that when a hidden immunity idol is played, all votes cast for that person do not count. But this... is not a hidden immunity idol. This is nothing."

He then CHUCKS IT INTO THE FIRE PIT.

James is almost having a stroke trying not to laugh out loud. The votes are then read, and while JR takes an early lead, Jamie comes from behind to win the first seat on the Jury.



BONADUCE SMASH!

Probst reminds people that from here out they will be voting out the people that will then decide if they win a million dollars or not.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)

NEXT WEEK!
Todd schemes! Everyone else schemes! James breaks a board!

SURVIVOR

For the next two weeks I'm not going to be able to watch Survivor "live" on Thursday night. So, instead, I'll be watching them during the day (don't tell my bosses) and blogging about it as we go. How's that sound? Great? Great.

This week on... Survivor
(Spoiling Like Raw Meat in Your Passenger Seat!)

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is NOW made up of:
Aaron(gone)
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave(gone)
Erik
James
Jamie
Peih-Gee

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is NOW made up of:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Frosti
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Sherea
Todd


Two minutes in, The Step-sisters sleep the sleep of the wicked, while James works around camp. Boy, he sure is a good worker. Probably an asset to have around camp. Maybe we should get rid of him.

4 and a half in The Todd tells Amanda the immunity idol is hidden at camp. He can't find it, so he recruits her. Which is good. Because, well, she's hot and I'd like to see her stick around.

(Editor note: This computer's processor sucks balls, just typing is holding the screen up.)

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Time to win yourself some Godliness! Wait, I mean Cleanliness, which is close.
Race through the village, find the puzzle pieces, put together the puzzle.
Courtney sits out, SURPRISE!
Peih-Gee and Sherea try to talk strategy while in the house, well, Peigh-Gee does a lot of talking. "We're still with you guys. We're still all together, okay?" Sherea doesn't say anything, which I think has Peih-Gee worried. She reminds me of the unpopular kid who hasn't quite realized they're unpopular yet. "Hey, hey guys, we're all still going to Perkins after the football game, right? Right? Okay, I'll just see you guys there, then. Okay? Guys? Okay, cool, I'll just... see you there... then. ...guys?"
At least Team Yellow is trying this time around. Probably cause no one's going home if they don't.
Team Denise spells out the Confucian wisdom first, "Man Who Live In Glass House Have Bathroom In Basement." They kidnap James back much to Jean-Robert's and Denise's delight.
12 minutes in, Courtney holds up the tea tray, looking the happiest she's looked since she came on the show. Must have brought back memories of serving drinks in New York. How her arm doesn't snap is beyond me.

13 minutes- Miami Vice: China!

Team Denise is welcomed to "The Charmin Tea House", you can hear Mao Zedong spinning in his tomb from here.

(Editor Note: The computer is still lagging something fierce, so the Tea Girls sound like Satan.)

14 Minutes- Everyone's having a good time, laughing, enjoying the food, a bath, tea, etc. So who has to open their yap and ruin everything with sexual innuendo? If you said Jean-Robert, congratulations, you've been paying attention! Operation: Old Guy At College Party is in full swing once again. Courtney comments on how gross he is, and then is carried off by a sparrow.

15:30- James, the Mack Daddy Crocodile Dundee decides to use the shower. Which involves him stripping BUTT NEKKID, much to everyone's delight. I think even Jean-Robert was digging it.

16 minutes- Team Yellow is starting to worry that being on a winning tribe is going to go to Sherea and Frosti's heads. Again, it's like the kid that doesn't realize his friend's starting on the football team now and doesn't want to go back to playing D&D in your mom's basement on Friday nights. Even though you REALLY need a 9th level Cleric for their healing spells!! Not to say throwing the last immunity challenge was going to come back to haunt you. BUT I TOLD YOU SO!!!

The Todd slides up to James and tells him to hook him up with the clue and The Todd will help save him. James realizes though, and he's the first to mention it, that The Todd has alliances with EVERYONE on the tribe. So even if he helps him, it doesn't make him any safer.

Todd with all the clues, now puts together that the idol is with the arch. Amanda and he start going at the arch with all the subtlety of a neon yellow ninja in clogs. Frosti then shows up to find out what's going on and starts parkouring all over the ledge. Todd pulls the idol off only to have Frosti see it. Frosti's face lights up like a kid who found the presents in his parent's closet before Christmas, while Todd and Amanda try to shush him because they've known about the presents in the closet for the last month and don't want the parents re-hiding them.

Todd then pulls some Sun-Tzu maneuvers, giving James the idol and telling him to throw the challenge. If he loses, Team Yellow will vote him out, but he can play the idol, vote out Jamie, sever the tie with Erik, keep Team Denise's numbers intact and eventually control all of China. James is so happy with his plan he almost beats Todd into a coma.

Ahhhhh irony. Last week Team Yellow wanted to lose and James wanted to win. This week they want to win and James wants to lose. Let's see how it goes at-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Eating Challenge! Yeah!! Wait... Courtney doesn't eat. ... crap.
Frosti vs Peih-Gee: 10 Chicken Hearts! Just another victim for the 99 Cent Menu
Courtney vs Jamie: Eel! Jamie's had a long slimy thing in her mouth before I'm sure and takes Courtney to town. Courtney then sends it all back up.
Amanada vs Erik: Baby Turtles! Gamora is going to be pissed. You gotta eat the shell?? Erik takes it by a swallow.
Uh-oh... That's Team Yellow 2 Team Denise 1
Denise vs James: Chicken Fetuses? With Feathers? Denise is screaming at it. "GET IN MY MOUTH!!" James is doing his best to throw the challenge, but Denise can't keep it down. She has to give up. James, gentleman that he is, swallows the entire plate in one gulp.
Frosti vs Erik: Thousand Year Old Egg. I think these challenges are the most fun Probst has all show. Erik wins by a swallow again!
Son of a! The one time they need to win and Team Denise can't get it done??? I never thought seeing James win would be a bad thing.

Amanda, Todd and Denise, decide to get rid of Sherea. Courtney thinks Jean-Robert is a better choice. Courtney and Sherea cat about Jean-Robert but it's a done deal. ...isn't it? Courtney pitches the idea to Amanda, Frosti and Todd who all look at her like she's speaking Mandarin. Jean-Robert knows his head is on the chopping block. Maybe because Todd is now thinking it would be a good idea to get rid of him. Amanda's gut says Sherea, Todd's gut says Jean-Robert, Todd's faux hawk says Metrosexual. Let's see what Probst says at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jean-Robert makes his case about helping out at camp and Sherea immediately gets on his case about it. Courtney then jumps in and teases Jean-Robert about being a "bad boy". Operation: I Might Start Crying If You Keep Laughing At Me seems to be in swing. Courtney says she feels like an outsider... which pisses Todd off cause he's been nothing but good to her. Wow Courtney, I don't think you've thought your cunning plan through.

Great is Todd's anger and swift is his vengeance. Jean-Robert gets the first two votes, but then Sherea blows past him to get the boot, proving once again, if you want someone to help you, the worst thing you can do is accuse them of never helping you. Sorry Sherea, but-


BONADUCE SMASH!

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Erik and Jamie have an immunity idol!? Todd has too many plates in the air!? Jean-Robert has a meat cleaver!? And we have a merge!?

SURVIVOR

(Check out my mag wheels and my SPOILERS)




This week on... Survivor

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave(gone)
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Todd

We open with a metaphor, the sleeping panda. The sleeping panda stands for Team Yellow, who have spent their first Dave-free day sleeping in. Also like the panda, Team Yellow is comprised of blacks, whites and Asians. Later, in the water, Erik and Jamie make puppy-eyes at each other. Erik describes it as being like "Adam and Eve. Just, being in nature, hanging out." Must be a different Bible than I own, cause when I think of "being like Adam and Eve", there's only one thing "hanging out". Erik then tells Jamie he's from Virginia and she's totally cool with that. No, wait, he tells her he's a virgin (good for you Erik!), and she nearly breaks her face trying not to grimace.

At Team Denise's camp, we find out that James has a little bit of a crush on Denise. That is both a little scary and totally awesome. First Denise gushes about James' work ethic and how well they click and then James says "If she were a little younger or I was a little older, she'd be in trouble." James, the Mack Daddy Crocodile Dundee of Grave Diggers!

No Reward Challenge this weekend, instead a boat pulls up to Team Denise's camp with a note. The note says "Pick two players from Team Yellow and they will become part of your tribe." Team Denise realizes that this means they are going to lose two of their best players in a switch and everyone starts fretting about losing James, especially Jean-Robert, as he has no other friends on Team Denise. Team Denise decides to snag Frosti and Sherea because they are the quickest and best competitors from Team Yellow.

Over at Team Yellow, they get a similar note. While Team Denise realizes that this note means that they're losing two members, Team Yellow is psyched, absolutely PSYCHED that they are gaining two new members, which will "put them up" 7-5. How the camera men kept from laughing is beyond me. Team Yellow picks up James and Aaron, figuring that if they lose, they can then eliminate the two strongest players in the game.

New boats arrive at each camp. Team Denise is not surprised to see that James is on the list, or that Aaron will be going with him. James has no connection to Aaron, so he's worried about going to the new camp. Jean-Robert is almost besides himself. "This is a bad day for [Team Denise] and it's sure as hell a bad day for Jean-Robert" says the poker playing bad boy.

Back at Team Yellow, they are shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that they do not gain 2 members, but are instead trading two players. People are sobbing as they lose Sherea and Frosti. At least they still have Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.

As the boats pass each other, both tribes are plotting. Jean-Robert tries to get everyone on board for voting off one of the newcomers first but most people see this as an opportunity to cut Jean-Robert loose. Even Jean-Robert realizes this is what the new plan is, but he keeps trying to push his case. At Team Yellow, Peih-Gee and Jamie decide the best course of action is to throw the challenge and get rid of James and then Aaron. Because, you know, when the producers have suddenly HANDED you the two best players in the game, the smart thing to do is to squander that. Peih-Gee feels that she's playing for the future though, as if they merge at 10, they will be 5 on 5 for tribe members instead of 7-3. It always surprises me how certain people are about when a merge will happen, as the show always screws with it. One year there was no merge, because Ian and Tom wiped the other team off the map. Other years they've merged at 11 or 9, or 8. So this is potentially shooting themselves in the foot.

Team Yellow wants to throw the challenge, but with James and Aaron on your side, is that even possible? Let's find out at-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Two people will race out to a floating dock. One at a time they dive into the water and pull out wooden polls that are trapping the 12 signs of the Chinese zodiac in a cage. Once all 12 signs have floated to the top, you throw them in a boat, swim it back to shore and then the other three people will put the pieces where they go. Amanda and a phosphorescent tongue depressor both sit out for Team Denise. Oh, wait, that's Courtney. Gak. Seriously, I fear her shoulder blades are going to poke through her skin.

Aaron and Erik go out to get Team Yellow's pieces, Jean-Robert and Frosti for the other side. Jamie is already making it obvious she doesn't care by yelling "Take your time! Rest if you need to!" to which James tells her to hush up. Erik, however, is not in on the game throwing, and he and Aaron get the pieces out quickly and gain a sizable lead over Team Denise. Jean-Robert seems to collapse off the float on their trip back and almost sinks all of his pieces back into the water.

Things look good for the new Team Yellow but the Step-sisters won't be denied. Jamie throws one of the pieces behind the puzzle so it's hidden, and then the two of them proceed to laugh and lollygag their way through the challenge until Team Denise not only catches but passes them, winning the challenge.

Back at camp James is ticked, and rightfully so. He chews out both Peih-Gee and Jamie, who are still trying not to laugh in his face. Aaron figures out something must be up and they send Erik to find out. Erik is not happy to find out that they threw the challenge, but Jamie has boobs, and she may some day let Erik see them, so it's not like he's going to turn on them. James and Aaron both know they're sunk, they just don't know who will go first at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Probsts almost immediately calls the girls on throwing the challenge. "I've been around a few times, and it looked like you didn't care if you won," he says. Did you throw the challenge he asks? "Yes sir," replies Jamie. This only makes James more annoyed and he says they may as well get rid of him now. So they go to vote.
Peih-Gee. James. Ja-Aaron? Huh that's... Aaron again? Well I can't- AARON! And out of nowhere, Aaron is gone!


BONADUCE SLAM!

And so begins the great Survivor: China screw job. Proving once again, that just like in real life, if you are good at what you do, if you are strong or smart, people will dislike you for it and they will do their best to take you down.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Racing through buildings! Being lucky the hidden Immunity Idol isn't a Bear! And Eating! Says Denise "GLARARRRRRAARRRAAAAAA!!!!"

SURVIVOR

(sp-sp-sp-spoliers. Turn and spoil the page...)

This week on... Survivor!

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Todd

The show opens with a quick summation of China: hills, panda bears, big black men. Wait, what? Ohhhh, it's just James The Grave Digging Crocodile Dundee.

At Team Denise camp Courtney, who is somehow not only getting thinner, but paler (seriously, she looks like a florescent light bulb) is doing what she does best. No, she's not telling people the soup de jour, she's complaining. About who? Why Jean-Robert of course. Jean-Robert meanwhile is putting Operation: Not As Lazy into play and it seems to be a hit with everyone but Courtney. Even when Jean-Robert warns her not to touch the potentially hot handle of the water pot, she gets mad at him for snapping at her.

At Team Yellow camp the rice has gone bad. My heart leaps in joy of another possible Survivor Australia moment, where one of the tribes ran out of rice early and Probst traded them new rice so they wouldn't starve, but in return took half of their camp supplies with him. Dave, naturally, has the best plan on how to handle this, at least in his head, and he's not afraid to tell everyone it. Finally Sherea has had enough and the two start snipping at each other. Then Sherea makes things real personal by taking all of Dave's shells, and making a move to toss them back in the lake. "Frosti" swoops in at the last second and get Sherea to give him the shells and tragedy is narrowly averted. Seriously though, who tosses out another person's shells cause you're mad at them? What are you Sherea, four? Those shells were for his mom.

REWARD CHALLENGE
Teams of two, each holding a giant wooded chopstick, have to work together to carry a metal ball down a field, then place it on a track that will roll it into a fireworks pit. The first team to fire all three of their fireworks will win a family of Chinese slaves.

Kidding, they'll be visited by a Chinese fisherman and his family who will teach them to fish as well as bring them a meal with vegetables and spices.

Oh, and did I mention the metal ball is on Fire? Cause it is.

Team Denise knows how to handle balls better than Team Yellow and win themselves a delicious family dinner. They also decide to kidnap Dave from Team Yellow.

Back at Team Denise camp, Dave decides the best way to become friends is to go bat-guano insane. He's smiling and dancing and hugging. Oh, the hugging. James hands him a lime and he almost starts crying before he embraces James. Says James, "That's... that's enough of that. What did I tell you about huggin'?" Dave also hugs Courtney for being from New York. He's like the freshman kid that's trying to hard to fit in on the first day in college. "You're from New York? NOOOO WAAAAAAYYYY!!! I love that town!!! Give me a hug!" Tragically, this kills Courtney.

Dave gets the "Open in Secret" tube and has to decide who to trust. Who's he pick? If you didn't say Todd you're wrong, but you've got more sense than anyone else so far. Not only does Todd's entire team trust him, the entire OTHER team trusts him. I haven't seen mindless devotion like this since Brian the Used Car Salesman/Amateur Porn Star in Survivor: Thailand.

The fishing family shows up with a boat full of birds. Which, it turns out, is how they fish. No, I'm not joking. Yes, it is awesome. Know what else is awesome? Jean-Robert SPEAKS Chinese. Yeah, get that. "It's been 20 years, but they started talking and words just started coming back to me." With Operation: Tower of Babel in full swing, Aaron and Denise (YES!) go out to learn how to fish.

The birds, it turns out, have bands wrapped around their throats so they can't swallow. Then the birds go into the water, catch a fish, but because of the bands, can't swallow it. So they come back up to the boat, the fisherman takes the fish out and sends the bird back into the water.

Back at Team Yellow camp everyone is lazing around until they realize that Dave isn't there to do all of their work. It's like watching someone in their first apartment, trying to cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, start their own fire, etc. While everyone else is struggling to make up the work of One Man, Sherea has stolen a page out of Jean-Robert's play book, putting Operation: Snooze Alarm 2 into action. I'm saving my energy for the challenges, explains Sherea. Which is good, cause here comes the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Suits of armor, bamboo staffs, meteor hammers and a wall of vases. Which ever team smashes more vases wins immunity. Amity said that last week's freeze frame was cheesy and unnecessary and I disagree with that, but this week's animated meteor hammer tosses were absolute garbage. It looked like a twelve year old got their hand on some flash animation and had a free 15 minutes on their hands.

First Round: Denise and Courtney vs Sherea and Peih-gee. Courtney is crushed to death by her suit of armor, but Denise does fine on her own, ending the round 1-1. Not quite the dominance I'm sure Sherea was expecting to get from Operation: Snooze Alarm 2.

Second Round: James and Todd vs Dave and Frosti. J/T go up 3-1 and then James tosses his bamboo pole so hard it not only sticks in the ground, but it creates a new fault line.

Final Round: Aaron and Amanda vs Erik and Jamie. Jamie knocks over two vases with one shot, making it 3-3, but Aaron and Amanda pick up one as well, winning 4-3.

Back at camp, Dave, like a man who's neck isn't on the chopping block, begins bossing people around again. The decision falls between him and Sherea. Dave promises he'll change if he's allowed to stay, but let's see how the chips fall at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Probst asks the gang who's pitching around camp, and Sherea claims to be pulling weight. How Jeff can hear her over all the eye rolling is beyond me. Dave makes no apologies for his bossiness and all seems lost for him. But then Sherea says, "What's all this rope doing here? Let me see if I can hang myself with some of it" and begins talking about how it's okay that she's lazy at camp because she's saving herself for challenges and then accuses Peih-Gee of not understanding because "she likes camp life" to which Peih-Gee goes "Uh, I LIKE Challenges too". So it now looks grim for Sherea...

The votes are counted. Dave. Sherea. Dave. Dave. (cue violins) DAVE! That's enough to send the unapologetic model on his way. Probst informs Team Yellow they better get a new plan, cause they're down two now. And they're primed for another-



BONADUCE SMASH!

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)

NEXT WEEK!
Erik and Jamie liiiiiiiike each other. Erik is from Virginia. And a TWIST!!

SURVIVOR

(as always, here there be Spoilers!)

This week on... Survivor.

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley (gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie
Todd

First, a recap of last week, where Team Yellow was dismantled, Dave and Ashley bickered, Todd schemed and Leslie was Leslie.

The episodes opens to another stunning Jean-Robert plan. You may remember Operation: Snooze Alarm from last week, this week it's Operation: Cuddle Train. Not only does Jean-Robert snore, ("It sounds like someone's choking a walrus"- Courtney), but he's also constantly trying to cuddle with the girls. For someone with the ability to "read" people, Jean-Robert doesn't seem to equate the girls constantly moving away from him with their lack of desire to be near him.

The next morning James catches a crab in a net and he and Courtney decide they're going to chop up the meat and use the taste of the crab to accompany the rice. Aaron has a better idea. He gets to eat the crab. Needless to say this idea, while it has its merits, is not popular with the other 7 members of "Team Denise". In the end common sense prevails and the crab is simmered in water to create broth.

James then makes a grave confession. Yes, I know, I couldn't help myself.

"I don't even use paper plates and plastic cups. I don't like being outside," admits James. But to prepare, he bought a book on survival tips. Huh, who'dathunk? "4 hours in Barnes and Noble and I'm Crocodile Dundee." Which is his new nickname.

Over at Team Yellow the team is reflecting on getting rid of Ashley last night. It was either lazy Ashley or overbearing Dave. Well, Ashley's gone and SURPRISE! Dave is still overbearing. But hey, at least he treats everyone like an idiot now. So that's progress. And God must have ordered him to build that fire pit from last week, because I haven't seen this much dedication to a construction project since Noah and the Ark.

REWARD CHALLENGE
Two boats, two beams connecting the two boats. Three people to a side. First team to throw the other three players into the water wins a point. First team to three wins.

On this side! Denise/Amanda/Leslie versus Peih-Gee/Sherea/Jamie. Go Team Denise!!

And Go they do. ...right into the water. It's like... it's like Sherea and Peih-Gee were BORN to shove people in the water.

Round Two! Crocodile Dundee/Aaron/Jean-Robert versus Dave/Erik/"Frosti". Dave has the genius idea to strip naked before getting on the boat. You can see Erik doing his best not to make eye contact. I bet Dave's dressed up as a "Free Mammogram" machine before. He strikes me as that kind of guy. (They blur it out. ... it's not that big of a blur)

Naked or not, you're just another body to Team Denise. The guys even it up 1-1.

Round Three! Team Yellow's Ladies are unstoppable. Even Amanda hitting a leg drop across Jamie's head can't change the outcome.

Round Four! At the "go!" Crocodile Dundee bursts across the walkway and hits Frosti so hard I think he wound up in Japan. Poor Erik is left again to fight for dear life, but down in the drink he goes. 2-2.

Round Five! Surely Team Denise will pull it out this time! Denise has even stripped down to just her underwear! Surely this will be the- well, that was fast.

Winner, Team Yellow! They win pillows, blankets and a tarp. They also choose to kidnap Leslie back to their tribe. She gets a tube from Probst marked "Read in Private", "This Means Read in Private" Probst says. I'll take, 'Things that are obvious and then restated for $400', Jeff.

So Leslie goes off to Team Yellow, or "The Christian Kingdom" as she seems to deem it. Everyone puts on a smiley face for her, especially Dave. Dave actually keeps going past friendly into the realm of creepy. Dave's the kind of guy who keeps suggesting you go get dinner at Hooters. You know, "for laughs". Leslie proceeds to run her mouth about every single thing going on at camp. After all, most of the people in Team Yellow are Christians, so what harm can it do? Leslie then gives her Immunity Idol clue to Jamie, just as Jamie did to her last episode. Another cut to the Immunity Idol hanging above the camp. DUN-DUN!!!

Back at Team Denise, Crocodile Dundee and Jean-Robert are bathing and having man talk. Unbeknownst to them, Courtney and Todd are standing 60 feet away collecting firewood and can hear every word they say. Well, that can't be too bad right?

"We should get rid of Courtney first"
Uh-oh
"You just want to keep her around because you like her."
Wuh-oh
"Only thing better than winning a million dollars is winning a million dollars and getting a piece of ***"
D'OH!

Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that Survivor is a microcosm for society and take this lesson from today's episode, if you're going to talk about a co-worker, or roommate, or waitress, in a negative manner, do yourself the favor of LOOKING AROUND FIRST.

Jean-Robert is that guy who's 4 years out of college, but keeps coming to all the parties and hitting on the freshman girls.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Four players have to chop through rope to free four sets of puzzle circles. Two other players must then put the puzzle circles on a pole and then drag the heavily weighted pole across a finish line.

For Team Yellow!
Choppers Jamie/Peih-gee/Frosti/Erik, Puzzle solvers Cool Dave and Sherea.
For Team Denise!
Choppers Courtney/Amanda/Aaron/Crocodile Dundee, Puzzle solvers The Todd and Jean-Robert.

Team Yellow jumps to a HUGE lead as SURPRISE! Courtney can't chop through any of the ropes. Jamie, who weighs maybe 100 pounds, hacks through them. Peih-Gee, who the team carries to challenges inside of their pocket, hacks through them. Frosti, who is a poorman's Shamrock Shake, hacks through them. And lastly Erik, swinging like a guy who had to avert his eyes from his own teammates junk, chops through his ropes. Courtney is STILL weakly chopping at her block. The blade is flopping everywhere, she keeps adjusting her tube top, she's swinging one handed. It's miserable. (Life Lesson Two: 50 pounds underweight is no way to go through life)

Finally she starts sawing with the machete and manages to break the rope. Everyone else gets an action freeze frame when they cut their pieces loose. Everyone but Courtney. Amanda races in and quickly cuts lose her blocks while Cool Dave and Sherea start putting together their puzzle. Aaron chops through his rope in no time. CROCODILE DUNDEE takes one swing and the entire forest collapses. The Todd and Jean-Robert begin scrambling to catch up. But, alas, it is too little too late, and Team Yellow wins back to back challenges.

Back at Team Denise, the heads on the block are Jean-Robert, Leslie and Courtney. Then Lelsie runs away with it by confessing everything she blabbed to Team Yellow and raving about how great it was to be with some Christians for a change. Even The Todd can't save her now at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Jean-Robert does his best to hang himself with any rope given him, ragging on both Courtney and Leslie for being weak. "I didn't say they were weak-" starts Jean-Robert. "That's EXACTLY what you said," rebuts Probst, who takes no crap from anyone.

Courtney starts to tear up about how she always feels like the team is trying to figure out where she'll do the least amount of damage, sitting her out when ever they can. I'm sorry Courtney, did you SEE yourself in this Immunity Challenge? Courtney's defense is "Well, it's been all wrestling and shoving and fighting, what am I going to do?" This only further proves my theory that NO ONE who goes on this show has ever seen Survivor before. What did she think they were going to be challenged in? Drink serving? Table cloth folding? Tipping?

Time to vote! Jean-Robert, Leslie, Jean-Robert, Sister Christian (Leslie), Mom (Leslie), Leslie, aaaaaaaand Mom.

Sorry Leslie, but The Tribe Has Spoken!


BONADUCE SMASH!

Eliminated
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Yelling! And More Yelling!

SURVIVOR

This week on... Survivor.

We've just started a new season, number 15, allegedly the last one host Jeff "Rock n' Roll Jeopardy" Probst is signed on for, and they're in China this year. Sponsors have finally come back after the controversial "Race Teams" of two seasons ago. What's funny to me is last season the final four people were Asian and black and no one said boo about it. Well, there was a guy NAMED Boo, but that's besides the point.

There are two teams.

Zhan Hu is made up of:
Ashley
"Chicken"
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie
Todd

Now, since I don't feel like trying to remember how to spell Zhan Hu and Fei Long each week, they will now be known as Team Yellow (because their color is yellow) and Team Denise (because Denise is on their team).

Last week Team Denise, thanks to James (a grave digger), beat out Team Yellow in the immunity challenge, and "Chicken" was sent home. Which is fine by me, because after the last season of people named "Boo" and "Dreamz" and "Rocky" I'm fine with them picking off all the "nickname" people first. I'm looking at you, "Frosti".

In a move of stunning kindness on Probst's part, both teams have gotten flint. This is not par for the course, but maybe the producers felt bad for only allowing the contestants this year to have what they were wearing for the entire trip. I remember in Survivor: All-Stars (aka Rob and Amber Love Each Other), one of the teams didn't have flint for almost two weeks. No flint=no fire=no clean water=well, you don't want to know.

At Team Yellow's camp Dave, the appointed leader is doing his best to goose step everyone into building a stone fire pit before they do anything else. This does not meet well with the ladies, who want to eat. It especially doesn't sit well with Pro Wrestler/Non-Pants Wearer Ashley. She and Dave butt heads, Dave calls her sweetheart, she rolls her eyes a bunch. If you watch, the argument goes on so long that the fire pit goes from one stack of blocks to three stacks of blocks before it is done. Talk about beating a dead horse.

Speaking of dead horses, over at Team Denise, Jean-Robert is sleeping, yet again. A professional poker player, Jean-Robert says his laziness is intentional, as it lowers everyone's expectations of him. So, when he does start working, he'll looking like a stud. Or, he'll take it right in the poker come voting time.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
The two teams come out to a giant mud pit, where there are six giant balls on two ramps. Probst informs everyone that he will be releasing two balls into the pit for each round. Three team members for each team will try and get one of the balls into their opponents goal. First team to get two in, wins. The balls are about the size of a person, so they're quite large, plus, it immediately starts raining right before the challenge, adding more water to the already shin high pool.

The first round is Aaron/Amanda/Denise vs Jamie/Sherea/Erik in the ball pit. What follows is basically an orgy of blurred breasts, fuzzy butt shots, and people being chokeslammed again and again into the water. How someone didn't come up with a concussion is beyond me, but Amanda Hugginkiss is the hero in the first round, scoring a point for Team Denise.

The second round is James/Jean-Robert/Leslie vs Ashley/Frosti/Dave. Let me just point out that James is a giant man who digs graves for a living (possibly with his bare hands [or some poor bear's hands]) and Jean-Robert is 6'6", 300 pounds if he's an inch. What follows is the only logical outcome as Jean-Robert wades through the mud, literally dragging Ashley behind him, before James shoves the ball into the goal like it was half it's size.

For the reward Team Denise gets fishing gear, a fishing boat and one of Team Yellow's players until the time of the Immunity Challenge. They choose Jamie because, well, she's hot, and some psycho-babble about it demoralizing the other team to lose their "ray of sunshine". Jamie is given a parchment to be read in secret.

Back at camps, Team Yellow discovers their camp is all but underwater at this point, which allows Dave and Ashley to fight some more. At Team Denise, Jamie opens her parchment to find out that she has to give her immunity clue to someone from Team Denise before she leaves. She chooses Leslie, the Christian Radio Host who is (her own words) "not religious, but I do share a deep relationship with Christ." ... ... ... Words fail me.

So Leslie reads her new clue which says the Immunity Idol is hidden in plain sight. Cut to camera shot of an emblem nailed to the front of their camp. Dun-dun!!! Leslie decides she'll need help for this, so she turns to Todd, who, so far, has everyone coming to him to be buddies. The man is airline attendant, and you'd think he'd smuggled bags of peanuts with him the way everyone wants to be his friend. The Flying Weasel comments on his luck, and how he hopes the ill-healthed Leslie continues to decline, so she'll have to leave and he'll be the only one with a clue. Meanwhile, Jean-Robert's Operation: Snooze Button, continues to rile up the rest of the camp.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Two giant battering rams. Two doors that have to be rammed down. Then the ram has to be lead through a maze that is carved into the wood, and finally you have to slam it against a gong.

Again, Team Denise has Jean-Robert and James and Team Yellow has Dave, a former model, Erik, a nice enough kid, and Frosti, who thought it was a good idea to name himself after a desert on Wendy's Dollar Menu.

Team Denise all but Shadowcats their way through the doors they're doing so well, while Dave has to be replaced up front by Frosti as he can't even stand up anymore. Apparently napping all the time is good for you, while hauling around giant stone blocks to build a fire pit is not. Who knew?

Things get close at the maze portion as Team Denise hits a dead end and Team Yellow takes the lead. Things flip back when Team Yellow hits a similar dead end and Team Denise cruises to victory. James leads the charge into the gong so hard they knock the gong OFF the stand as James continues running into the woods. Maybe he saw someone that needed burying.

Back to Team Yellow's camp. Dave apologizes for blowing it for everyone, but hopes they'll vote out lazy Ashley instead of bossy Dave. It certainly doesn't seem that way at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
As more than one person jumps on Dave for being too bossy. Dave makes a comment to Sherea and she goes from School Teacher to Springer Guest in 3 seconds. "What is your criteria for voting tonight," Probst asks Ashley. "Oh, I'm voting for Dave," says Ashley.

The votes are read... Dave, Ashley, Dave, Ashley, Ashley, uh-oh, Ashley! She warns Dave that "I'll be seeing you soon" and like that, the wrestler's chances are just, wait for it, a Million Dollar Dream.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Team Yellow)
Ashley (Team Yellow)

Next Week! Machete's! And more chokeslams!

p.s. The Office was excellent tonight, as usual. "They go so well together, like PB and J... Pam Beasley and Jim... that would have been so good." - Kevin