SURVIVOR

(sp-sp-sp-spoliers. Turn and spoil the page...)

This week on... Survivor!

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Todd

The show opens with a quick summation of China: hills, panda bears, big black men. Wait, what? Ohhhh, it's just James The Grave Digging Crocodile Dundee.

At Team Denise camp Courtney, who is somehow not only getting thinner, but paler (seriously, she looks like a florescent light bulb) is doing what she does best. No, she's not telling people the soup de jour, she's complaining. About who? Why Jean-Robert of course. Jean-Robert meanwhile is putting Operation: Not As Lazy into play and it seems to be a hit with everyone but Courtney. Even when Jean-Robert warns her not to touch the potentially hot handle of the water pot, she gets mad at him for snapping at her.

At Team Yellow camp the rice has gone bad. My heart leaps in joy of another possible Survivor Australia moment, where one of the tribes ran out of rice early and Probst traded them new rice so they wouldn't starve, but in return took half of their camp supplies with him. Dave, naturally, has the best plan on how to handle this, at least in his head, and he's not afraid to tell everyone it. Finally Sherea has had enough and the two start snipping at each other. Then Sherea makes things real personal by taking all of Dave's shells, and making a move to toss them back in the lake. "Frosti" swoops in at the last second and get Sherea to give him the shells and tragedy is narrowly averted. Seriously though, who tosses out another person's shells cause you're mad at them? What are you Sherea, four? Those shells were for his mom.

REWARD CHALLENGE
Teams of two, each holding a giant wooded chopstick, have to work together to carry a metal ball down a field, then place it on a track that will roll it into a fireworks pit. The first team to fire all three of their fireworks will win a family of Chinese slaves.

Kidding, they'll be visited by a Chinese fisherman and his family who will teach them to fish as well as bring them a meal with vegetables and spices.

Oh, and did I mention the metal ball is on Fire? Cause it is.

Team Denise knows how to handle balls better than Team Yellow and win themselves a delicious family dinner. They also decide to kidnap Dave from Team Yellow.

Back at Team Denise camp, Dave decides the best way to become friends is to go bat-guano insane. He's smiling and dancing and hugging. Oh, the hugging. James hands him a lime and he almost starts crying before he embraces James. Says James, "That's... that's enough of that. What did I tell you about huggin'?" Dave also hugs Courtney for being from New York. He's like the freshman kid that's trying to hard to fit in on the first day in college. "You're from New York? NOOOO WAAAAAAYYYY!!! I love that town!!! Give me a hug!" Tragically, this kills Courtney.

Dave gets the "Open in Secret" tube and has to decide who to trust. Who's he pick? If you didn't say Todd you're wrong, but you've got more sense than anyone else so far. Not only does Todd's entire team trust him, the entire OTHER team trusts him. I haven't seen mindless devotion like this since Brian the Used Car Salesman/Amateur Porn Star in Survivor: Thailand.

The fishing family shows up with a boat full of birds. Which, it turns out, is how they fish. No, I'm not joking. Yes, it is awesome. Know what else is awesome? Jean-Robert SPEAKS Chinese. Yeah, get that. "It's been 20 years, but they started talking and words just started coming back to me." With Operation: Tower of Babel in full swing, Aaron and Denise (YES!) go out to learn how to fish.

The birds, it turns out, have bands wrapped around their throats so they can't swallow. Then the birds go into the water, catch a fish, but because of the bands, can't swallow it. So they come back up to the boat, the fisherman takes the fish out and sends the bird back into the water.

Back at Team Yellow camp everyone is lazing around until they realize that Dave isn't there to do all of their work. It's like watching someone in their first apartment, trying to cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, start their own fire, etc. While everyone else is struggling to make up the work of One Man, Sherea has stolen a page out of Jean-Robert's play book, putting Operation: Snooze Alarm 2 into action. I'm saving my energy for the challenges, explains Sherea. Which is good, cause here comes the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Suits of armor, bamboo staffs, meteor hammers and a wall of vases. Which ever team smashes more vases wins immunity. Amity said that last week's freeze frame was cheesy and unnecessary and I disagree with that, but this week's animated meteor hammer tosses were absolute garbage. It looked like a twelve year old got their hand on some flash animation and had a free 15 minutes on their hands.

First Round: Denise and Courtney vs Sherea and Peih-gee. Courtney is crushed to death by her suit of armor, but Denise does fine on her own, ending the round 1-1. Not quite the dominance I'm sure Sherea was expecting to get from Operation: Snooze Alarm 2.

Second Round: James and Todd vs Dave and Frosti. J/T go up 3-1 and then James tosses his bamboo pole so hard it not only sticks in the ground, but it creates a new fault line.

Final Round: Aaron and Amanda vs Erik and Jamie. Jamie knocks over two vases with one shot, making it 3-3, but Aaron and Amanda pick up one as well, winning 4-3.

Back at camp, Dave, like a man who's neck isn't on the chopping block, begins bossing people around again. The decision falls between him and Sherea. Dave promises he'll change if he's allowed to stay, but let's see how the chips fall at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Probst asks the gang who's pitching around camp, and Sherea claims to be pulling weight. How Jeff can hear her over all the eye rolling is beyond me. Dave makes no apologies for his bossiness and all seems lost for him. But then Sherea says, "What's all this rope doing here? Let me see if I can hang myself with some of it" and begins talking about how it's okay that she's lazy at camp because she's saving herself for challenges and then accuses Peih-Gee of not understanding because "she likes camp life" to which Peih-Gee goes "Uh, I LIKE Challenges too". So it now looks grim for Sherea...

The votes are counted. Dave. Sherea. Dave. Dave. (cue violins) DAVE! That's enough to send the unapologetic model on his way. Probst informs Team Yellow they better get a new plan, cause they're down two now. And they're primed for another-



BONADUCE SMASH!

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)

NEXT WEEK!
Erik and Jamie liiiiiiiike each other. Erik is from Virginia. And a TWIST!!