SURVIVOR

This week on... Survivor.

We've just started a new season, number 15, allegedly the last one host Jeff "Rock n' Roll Jeopardy" Probst is signed on for, and they're in China this year. Sponsors have finally come back after the controversial "Race Teams" of two seasons ago. What's funny to me is last season the final four people were Asian and black and no one said boo about it. Well, there was a guy NAMED Boo, but that's besides the point.

There are two teams.

Zhan Hu is made up of:
Ashley
"Chicken"
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie
Todd

Now, since I don't feel like trying to remember how to spell Zhan Hu and Fei Long each week, they will now be known as Team Yellow (because their color is yellow) and Team Denise (because Denise is on their team).

Last week Team Denise, thanks to James (a grave digger), beat out Team Yellow in the immunity challenge, and "Chicken" was sent home. Which is fine by me, because after the last season of people named "Boo" and "Dreamz" and "Rocky" I'm fine with them picking off all the "nickname" people first. I'm looking at you, "Frosti".

In a move of stunning kindness on Probst's part, both teams have gotten flint. This is not par for the course, but maybe the producers felt bad for only allowing the contestants this year to have what they were wearing for the entire trip. I remember in Survivor: All-Stars (aka Rob and Amber Love Each Other), one of the teams didn't have flint for almost two weeks. No flint=no fire=no clean water=well, you don't want to know.

At Team Yellow's camp Dave, the appointed leader is doing his best to goose step everyone into building a stone fire pit before they do anything else. This does not meet well with the ladies, who want to eat. It especially doesn't sit well with Pro Wrestler/Non-Pants Wearer Ashley. She and Dave butt heads, Dave calls her sweetheart, she rolls her eyes a bunch. If you watch, the argument goes on so long that the fire pit goes from one stack of blocks to three stacks of blocks before it is done. Talk about beating a dead horse.

Speaking of dead horses, over at Team Denise, Jean-Robert is sleeping, yet again. A professional poker player, Jean-Robert says his laziness is intentional, as it lowers everyone's expectations of him. So, when he does start working, he'll looking like a stud. Or, he'll take it right in the poker come voting time.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
The two teams come out to a giant mud pit, where there are six giant balls on two ramps. Probst informs everyone that he will be releasing two balls into the pit for each round. Three team members for each team will try and get one of the balls into their opponents goal. First team to get two in, wins. The balls are about the size of a person, so they're quite large, plus, it immediately starts raining right before the challenge, adding more water to the already shin high pool.

The first round is Aaron/Amanda/Denise vs Jamie/Sherea/Erik in the ball pit. What follows is basically an orgy of blurred breasts, fuzzy butt shots, and people being chokeslammed again and again into the water. How someone didn't come up with a concussion is beyond me, but Amanda Hugginkiss is the hero in the first round, scoring a point for Team Denise.

The second round is James/Jean-Robert/Leslie vs Ashley/Frosti/Dave. Let me just point out that James is a giant man who digs graves for a living (possibly with his bare hands [or some poor bear's hands]) and Jean-Robert is 6'6", 300 pounds if he's an inch. What follows is the only logical outcome as Jean-Robert wades through the mud, literally dragging Ashley behind him, before James shoves the ball into the goal like it was half it's size.

For the reward Team Denise gets fishing gear, a fishing boat and one of Team Yellow's players until the time of the Immunity Challenge. They choose Jamie because, well, she's hot, and some psycho-babble about it demoralizing the other team to lose their "ray of sunshine". Jamie is given a parchment to be read in secret.

Back at camps, Team Yellow discovers their camp is all but underwater at this point, which allows Dave and Ashley to fight some more. At Team Denise, Jamie opens her parchment to find out that she has to give her immunity clue to someone from Team Denise before she leaves. She chooses Leslie, the Christian Radio Host who is (her own words) "not religious, but I do share a deep relationship with Christ." ... ... ... Words fail me.

So Leslie reads her new clue which says the Immunity Idol is hidden in plain sight. Cut to camera shot of an emblem nailed to the front of their camp. Dun-dun!!! Leslie decides she'll need help for this, so she turns to Todd, who, so far, has everyone coming to him to be buddies. The man is airline attendant, and you'd think he'd smuggled bags of peanuts with him the way everyone wants to be his friend. The Flying Weasel comments on his luck, and how he hopes the ill-healthed Leslie continues to decline, so she'll have to leave and he'll be the only one with a clue. Meanwhile, Jean-Robert's Operation: Snooze Button, continues to rile up the rest of the camp.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Two giant battering rams. Two doors that have to be rammed down. Then the ram has to be lead through a maze that is carved into the wood, and finally you have to slam it against a gong.

Again, Team Denise has Jean-Robert and James and Team Yellow has Dave, a former model, Erik, a nice enough kid, and Frosti, who thought it was a good idea to name himself after a desert on Wendy's Dollar Menu.

Team Denise all but Shadowcats their way through the doors they're doing so well, while Dave has to be replaced up front by Frosti as he can't even stand up anymore. Apparently napping all the time is good for you, while hauling around giant stone blocks to build a fire pit is not. Who knew?

Things get close at the maze portion as Team Denise hits a dead end and Team Yellow takes the lead. Things flip back when Team Yellow hits a similar dead end and Team Denise cruises to victory. James leads the charge into the gong so hard they knock the gong OFF the stand as James continues running into the woods. Maybe he saw someone that needed burying.

Back to Team Yellow's camp. Dave apologizes for blowing it for everyone, but hopes they'll vote out lazy Ashley instead of bossy Dave. It certainly doesn't seem that way at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
As more than one person jumps on Dave for being too bossy. Dave makes a comment to Sherea and she goes from School Teacher to Springer Guest in 3 seconds. "What is your criteria for voting tonight," Probst asks Ashley. "Oh, I'm voting for Dave," says Ashley.

The votes are read... Dave, Ashley, Dave, Ashley, Ashley, uh-oh, Ashley! She warns Dave that "I'll be seeing you soon" and like that, the wrestler's chances are just, wait for it, a Million Dollar Dream.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Team Yellow)
Ashley (Team Yellow)

Next Week! Machete's! And more chokeslams!

p.s. The Office was excellent tonight, as usual. "They go so well together, like PB and J... Pam Beasley and Jim... that would have been so good." - Kevin