SURVIVOR

(as always, here there be Spoilers!)

This week on... Survivor.

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley (gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie
Todd

First, a recap of last week, where Team Yellow was dismantled, Dave and Ashley bickered, Todd schemed and Leslie was Leslie.

The episodes opens to another stunning Jean-Robert plan. You may remember Operation: Snooze Alarm from last week, this week it's Operation: Cuddle Train. Not only does Jean-Robert snore, ("It sounds like someone's choking a walrus"- Courtney), but he's also constantly trying to cuddle with the girls. For someone with the ability to "read" people, Jean-Robert doesn't seem to equate the girls constantly moving away from him with their lack of desire to be near him.

The next morning James catches a crab in a net and he and Courtney decide they're going to chop up the meat and use the taste of the crab to accompany the rice. Aaron has a better idea. He gets to eat the crab. Needless to say this idea, while it has its merits, is not popular with the other 7 members of "Team Denise". In the end common sense prevails and the crab is simmered in water to create broth.

James then makes a grave confession. Yes, I know, I couldn't help myself.

"I don't even use paper plates and plastic cups. I don't like being outside," admits James. But to prepare, he bought a book on survival tips. Huh, who'dathunk? "4 hours in Barnes and Noble and I'm Crocodile Dundee." Which is his new nickname.

Over at Team Yellow the team is reflecting on getting rid of Ashley last night. It was either lazy Ashley or overbearing Dave. Well, Ashley's gone and SURPRISE! Dave is still overbearing. But hey, at least he treats everyone like an idiot now. So that's progress. And God must have ordered him to build that fire pit from last week, because I haven't seen this much dedication to a construction project since Noah and the Ark.

REWARD CHALLENGE
Two boats, two beams connecting the two boats. Three people to a side. First team to throw the other three players into the water wins a point. First team to three wins.

On this side! Denise/Amanda/Leslie versus Peih-Gee/Sherea/Jamie. Go Team Denise!!

And Go they do. ...right into the water. It's like... it's like Sherea and Peih-Gee were BORN to shove people in the water.

Round Two! Crocodile Dundee/Aaron/Jean-Robert versus Dave/Erik/"Frosti". Dave has the genius idea to strip naked before getting on the boat. You can see Erik doing his best not to make eye contact. I bet Dave's dressed up as a "Free Mammogram" machine before. He strikes me as that kind of guy. (They blur it out. ... it's not that big of a blur)

Naked or not, you're just another body to Team Denise. The guys even it up 1-1.

Round Three! Team Yellow's Ladies are unstoppable. Even Amanda hitting a leg drop across Jamie's head can't change the outcome.

Round Four! At the "go!" Crocodile Dundee bursts across the walkway and hits Frosti so hard I think he wound up in Japan. Poor Erik is left again to fight for dear life, but down in the drink he goes. 2-2.

Round Five! Surely Team Denise will pull it out this time! Denise has even stripped down to just her underwear! Surely this will be the- well, that was fast.

Winner, Team Yellow! They win pillows, blankets and a tarp. They also choose to kidnap Leslie back to their tribe. She gets a tube from Probst marked "Read in Private", "This Means Read in Private" Probst says. I'll take, 'Things that are obvious and then restated for $400', Jeff.

So Leslie goes off to Team Yellow, or "The Christian Kingdom" as she seems to deem it. Everyone puts on a smiley face for her, especially Dave. Dave actually keeps going past friendly into the realm of creepy. Dave's the kind of guy who keeps suggesting you go get dinner at Hooters. You know, "for laughs". Leslie proceeds to run her mouth about every single thing going on at camp. After all, most of the people in Team Yellow are Christians, so what harm can it do? Leslie then gives her Immunity Idol clue to Jamie, just as Jamie did to her last episode. Another cut to the Immunity Idol hanging above the camp. DUN-DUN!!!

Back at Team Denise, Crocodile Dundee and Jean-Robert are bathing and having man talk. Unbeknownst to them, Courtney and Todd are standing 60 feet away collecting firewood and can hear every word they say. Well, that can't be too bad right?

"We should get rid of Courtney first"
Uh-oh
"You just want to keep her around because you like her."
Wuh-oh
"Only thing better than winning a million dollars is winning a million dollars and getting a piece of ***"
D'OH!

Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that Survivor is a microcosm for society and take this lesson from today's episode, if you're going to talk about a co-worker, or roommate, or waitress, in a negative manner, do yourself the favor of LOOKING AROUND FIRST.

Jean-Robert is that guy who's 4 years out of college, but keeps coming to all the parties and hitting on the freshman girls.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Four players have to chop through rope to free four sets of puzzle circles. Two other players must then put the puzzle circles on a pole and then drag the heavily weighted pole across a finish line.

For Team Yellow!
Choppers Jamie/Peih-gee/Frosti/Erik, Puzzle solvers Cool Dave and Sherea.
For Team Denise!
Choppers Courtney/Amanda/Aaron/Crocodile Dundee, Puzzle solvers The Todd and Jean-Robert.

Team Yellow jumps to a HUGE lead as SURPRISE! Courtney can't chop through any of the ropes. Jamie, who weighs maybe 100 pounds, hacks through them. Peih-Gee, who the team carries to challenges inside of their pocket, hacks through them. Frosti, who is a poorman's Shamrock Shake, hacks through them. And lastly Erik, swinging like a guy who had to avert his eyes from his own teammates junk, chops through his ropes. Courtney is STILL weakly chopping at her block. The blade is flopping everywhere, she keeps adjusting her tube top, she's swinging one handed. It's miserable. (Life Lesson Two: 50 pounds underweight is no way to go through life)

Finally she starts sawing with the machete and manages to break the rope. Everyone else gets an action freeze frame when they cut their pieces loose. Everyone but Courtney. Amanda races in and quickly cuts lose her blocks while Cool Dave and Sherea start putting together their puzzle. Aaron chops through his rope in no time. CROCODILE DUNDEE takes one swing and the entire forest collapses. The Todd and Jean-Robert begin scrambling to catch up. But, alas, it is too little too late, and Team Yellow wins back to back challenges.

Back at Team Denise, the heads on the block are Jean-Robert, Leslie and Courtney. Then Lelsie runs away with it by confessing everything she blabbed to Team Yellow and raving about how great it was to be with some Christians for a change. Even The Todd can't save her now at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Jean-Robert does his best to hang himself with any rope given him, ragging on both Courtney and Leslie for being weak. "I didn't say they were weak-" starts Jean-Robert. "That's EXACTLY what you said," rebuts Probst, who takes no crap from anyone.

Courtney starts to tear up about how she always feels like the team is trying to figure out where she'll do the least amount of damage, sitting her out when ever they can. I'm sorry Courtney, did you SEE yourself in this Immunity Challenge? Courtney's defense is "Well, it's been all wrestling and shoving and fighting, what am I going to do?" This only further proves my theory that NO ONE who goes on this show has ever seen Survivor before. What did she think they were going to be challenged in? Drink serving? Table cloth folding? Tipping?

Time to vote! Jean-Robert, Leslie, Jean-Robert, Sister Christian (Leslie), Mom (Leslie), Leslie, aaaaaaaand Mom.

Sorry Leslie, but The Tribe Has Spoken!


BONADUCE SMASH!

Eliminated
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Yelling! And More Yelling!