*POOF* THERE IT IS!
Jim, come on in, have a seat. I'm glad you could make it in on such short notice. Well, that is true, I didn't give you much of a choice about the matter, but I thought I'd be polite. I'll cut right to the chase then. Jim, you've worked a long time for us here in Pasco County, but I'm afraid we can't let you substitute in our schools any more.
Why? Well, we've been getting a lot of complaints lately Jim, about your conduct in class. Now certain things, like "touching a student inappropriately" or "sleeping with a minor" we might be able to over look. We all make mistakes, right? Right. I remember once when I was a young teacher... but that was a different time. You can marry outside your race now. Women can vote. They outlawed Prohibition. The world is in a humbly-jumbly mess. They're even publishing books with gay penguins in them now. I tell you, it's not like back in the old days where we kept our homosexuality good and closeted. Literally. The stories I could tell you about the janitors closet at Jackson Junior High would make your toes curl.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I keeping you from a long day of not being employed? I'm sorry Jim, I don't want to cut into your busy schedule of waiting for Family Feud to come on at 5:30. I'll get right to it then. You're fired, for complaints of wizardry. What do you mean, what does that mean? It means you're fired. The act of being a wizard. It's a pretty obvious definition. We haven't been assigning you to any of the language arts classes, have we Jim? Preposterous? No, what's preposterous is how we missed your obvious Dark Magic up until this point. How'd you do it Jim? Charm? Glamour? Cellular manipulation? You know what, I'd rather not know. Don't want to open that book of macabre secrets too wide, never know what you'll find there.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, Jim. The Dark Arts, like homosexuality, is something we've all dabbled in. But, like homosexuality, you can't just go flaunting it in front of the kids like some kind of gay penguin. That's not how things work here in Pasco County. Not since the fire.
Look, I can understand if you're angry, but casting a death spell or karma charm on the entire school board isn't going to get you your job back. Plus, we've recently put a Paladin on retainer, so first person that breaks out in unexplainable hives, he's going to come looking for you. And before you even ask, no, I won't tell you his name OR give you a lock of his hair.
You could try Jim, but I don't know who you're going to appeal your case to. No one from the school board is going to meet with you, since they're afraid you'll steal their soul or have black cats come out of their mouths or some such. Personally, I'm scared stiff sitting this close to you, which is why you'll notice I've yet to make eye contact with you. Can't plant any mind worms if you can't see inside of my brain, can you Jim.
All right, since you're so worked up, I'll tell you what I can do for you. The rest of the school board isn't going to like it, but I'll see if I can pull some strings for you. You come back tomorrow morning, we'll have a big pool of water set up. We'll tie you to a board and then dunk you under the water. If you float to the top, we'll know you're a wizard and you'll be through here. We also reserve the right to stone you on the spot. If you drown however, we'll forget the whole thing and you can start work again on Monday. How's that sound?
Well, I don't know if all that cursing was necessary. Wait... that wasn't actual cursing was it?
Why? Well, we've been getting a lot of complaints lately Jim, about your conduct in class. Now certain things, like "touching a student inappropriately" or "sleeping with a minor" we might be able to over look. We all make mistakes, right? Right. I remember once when I was a young teacher... but that was a different time. You can marry outside your race now. Women can vote. They outlawed Prohibition. The world is in a humbly-jumbly mess. They're even publishing books with gay penguins in them now. I tell you, it's not like back in the old days where we kept our homosexuality good and closeted. Literally. The stories I could tell you about the janitors closet at Jackson Junior High would make your toes curl.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I keeping you from a long day of not being employed? I'm sorry Jim, I don't want to cut into your busy schedule of waiting for Family Feud to come on at 5:30. I'll get right to it then. You're fired, for complaints of wizardry. What do you mean, what does that mean? It means you're fired. The act of being a wizard. It's a pretty obvious definition. We haven't been assigning you to any of the language arts classes, have we Jim? Preposterous? No, what's preposterous is how we missed your obvious Dark Magic up until this point. How'd you do it Jim? Charm? Glamour? Cellular manipulation? You know what, I'd rather not know. Don't want to open that book of macabre secrets too wide, never know what you'll find there.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, Jim. The Dark Arts, like homosexuality, is something we've all dabbled in. But, like homosexuality, you can't just go flaunting it in front of the kids like some kind of gay penguin. That's not how things work here in Pasco County. Not since the fire.
Look, I can understand if you're angry, but casting a death spell or karma charm on the entire school board isn't going to get you your job back. Plus, we've recently put a Paladin on retainer, so first person that breaks out in unexplainable hives, he's going to come looking for you. And before you even ask, no, I won't tell you his name OR give you a lock of his hair.
You could try Jim, but I don't know who you're going to appeal your case to. No one from the school board is going to meet with you, since they're afraid you'll steal their soul or have black cats come out of their mouths or some such. Personally, I'm scared stiff sitting this close to you, which is why you'll notice I've yet to make eye contact with you. Can't plant any mind worms if you can't see inside of my brain, can you Jim.
All right, since you're so worked up, I'll tell you what I can do for you. The rest of the school board isn't going to like it, but I'll see if I can pull some strings for you. You come back tomorrow morning, we'll have a big pool of water set up. We'll tie you to a board and then dunk you under the water. If you float to the top, we'll know you're a wizard and you'll be through here. We also reserve the right to stone you on the spot. If you drown however, we'll forget the whole thing and you can start work again on Monday. How's that sound?
Well, I don't know if all that cursing was necessary. Wait... that wasn't actual cursing was it?
posted by Matt Worzala at
4:12 PM
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