SURVIVOR

(I'M NOT YOUR SPOILERS, BUDDY! I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, SPOILERS!)



Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
James
Jason
Natalie
Ozzie
Parvati

When we last left the group, Eliza had just been given the boot despite having *snicker* the hidden Immunity Idol crudely carved stick. Everyone has a good laugh before some people question Jason about what he was doing giving her the idol. Jason's like, what? I don't have any other allies here, what was I going to do? And really, you can't fault him for that.

What you can fault him for is being a knob, which is what Jason continually comes across as. He's like the Bo Bice of this season. Sure, he COULD win, but no one's really going to be happy if he does. Especially if he keeps bragging about beating Ozzie. You know why he was able to hold his breath longer? Because the majority of his brain cells are already dead. Don't believe me? We'll get to that in a bit.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
The 9 players will be split into 2 groups of 4, the one person who is not picked will be sent to Exile Island until the Immunity Challenge. The two teams will, one at a time, race through a watery obstacle course out to a puzzle. After studying the puzzle, the players will race back and try to replicate the puzzle back on the beach. First team to finish wins a trip to the island nation of Yap where they can hang out with Abigail Breslin and Jodie Foster. ... wait, sorry, that's Nim's Island, my bad. The usual feasting and dancing will commence upon their arrival.

I thought this was interesting, What's-her-face was one of the two team captains again. She's just lucky I guess. Oh, and can I once again mention that Natalie has YET to do an interview, and no one has even passingly mentioned her name for voting off yet? This girl is going DEEP into the competition.

So the teams are Jason, Ozzie, Erik (natch) and Amanda (also natch) versus Natalie, James, Parvati (natch) and Alexis. Poor Cirie is sent off to Exile, which I'm sure made her all kinds of pleased.

The race is pretty back and forth as after 26 days or so of little sleep everyone's brain is a little fried. The funniest part is James who stands looking at the puzzle for a loooong time, then rushes back to confidently put up ONE piece. Everyone is putting up 5 or 6 at a time, but at least James seemed sure about his. Thanks to a little sideline coaching from her team though, Amanada is able to finish the puzzle and send her boyfriend, his boyfriend and Jason to Yap.

Yap is a fantastic little place. Survivor really does find the most interesting places to expose the tribe members to, and you get the feeling that, yes, Survivor is about making the producers money and creating an entertaining show, but there always seems to be at least an effort of education and cultural awareness in each season.

Erik is getting very culturally aware at the moment. The women of Yap do not wear tops and Erik's eyes are practically falling out of his head trying to scope all of the pixelated flesh. "That's the most boobs I've ever seen in my whole life," says Erik. Really? The Ice Cream Scooper who looks like an extra from Prefontaine doesn't see a lot of action? Shock me, shock me, shock me.

Erik then proceeds to get sick on beer and betel nut, which, to me, is hilarious.

What's not hilarious is Cirie on Exile. Exile Island must be directly under the world's largest rain cloud, because the weather always seems to be bad there. Plus, there are leaves, and we know how Cirie feels about leaves. We see just enough of Cirie to know she's miserable before they leave her to suffer in peace.

Also suffering, though not in peace, is James. James is a good guy. He has a strong work ethic, and he doesn't like lazy people. So of course he's been stuck with Alexis, Natalie and Parvati, who are sleeping while he's working. Not a guy for subtlety, James goes through his morning routine as noisily as possible. Hacking logs, breaking them against other logs, loudly sharpening the hatchet, any thing he can do to wake up the women. Just as he about to hook up the Jackhammer, Parvati rolls over and chastises him for being loud! I wonder why he's making so much noise Parv, maybe because it's NOON and he spent all night keeping the fire going for the three of you! James vents to the camera about how annoying the girls are and, I gotta tell you, he was holding that bucket of water the whole time and I would have SWORN he was going to go back to camp and dump it on the three girls.

The victors return to camp and Ozzie immediately begins running his mouth about the food. Which is a stupid move. Three things will get you booted from this game with a quickness:
1) Laziness
2) Gluttony
3) Bragging.

Every year someone falls into the trap of combining 2 and 3, bragging about their reward meal, and almost every year that comes back to haunt them.

REWARD CHALLENGE
I've seen this one before too. Shii Ann won it in All Stars, keeping herself alive and in the game. Each player has to stand on a platform with their hand cuffed to a chain. The chain is connected to a tub of water. When the player can no longer keep their arm in the air, the tub of water spills on them, eliminating them.

The players are out on the platforms for about a half hour before Probst brings out the first temptation, a big bowl of candy. Now, I like candy, but I don't like it a $1,000,000 worth. But Cirie and Erik LOVE candy and agree to jump off together. Says James, "What in the Nicklodeon is going on here?" A little more time passes and Probst comes out with another plate. Alexis is so excited, she pulls her chain before Probst even reveals what it is. Probst then tells her, smiling the whole time, that this means she can't HAVE what's on the plate, since she didn't wait for him to make an offer. I don't know if Alexis would have been as sad if Probst had shot her father right in front of her.

No one takes the cookie, but Natalie suddenly loses concentration and spills her water. James has a good laugh, then slips himself. All you can say at that moment is, "Aw, bitch!" Which is what he says.

Probst then brings out a trio of chocolate donuts which Ozzie gladly takes. This is not a terrible move on his part, since Ozzie has the hidden immunity idol, so he should be safe from an elimination attempts. The last three hang in and hang in and hang in. Around the 4 hour mark Amanada asks permission to step down so that she doesn't pee herself. Now, again, $1,000,000 is worth a little of my own urine if you ask me, but no one ever does, so Amanada wets her self and then runs to avoid wetting herself.

So we're down to Parvati and Jason and when they hit the 5 hour mark Probst brings out a smorgasbord. Beer, pizza, candy, cookies, donuts, candy bars and milk. Who ever steps down not only gets the food but gets to share it with everyone else. Parvati gets in Jason's ear about how giving everyone that food could really win him some friends. Jason seems doubtful at first, but then Natalie says she won't vote for him if he steps down. Slowly everyone agrees. Of course, Jason can't see that they have their fingers crossed when they say it, but he should KNOW they don't mean it. But, you know what? He should have KNOWN that he had found a stick rather than the immunity idol, too. But Jason is stupid. And so he steps down and Parvarti wins.

Good-bye Young Bon Jovi. You are going down in a blaze of glory.

Or maybe not. Cirie, probably still ticked about the way Ozzie treats people, sees this as a perfect opportunity to cut Ozzie out of the game. So she gathers up Jason, Alexis, Natalie and Parvati and tells them the plan. Parvati has to decide then if she's going to kick out Ozzie now, who she'll lose against if he makes the final, or if she's going to stay true to her long running Favorites Alliance and get rid of Jason. I guess we'll see at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Jason is grilled for his move and rightfully so, he sacrificed immunity for the slim chance that people will like him for the food he won them. As James puts it "If you offer someone a donut and they say they won't vote for you because of it, it don't always mean they won't vote for you. Sometimes they just want the damn donut." Man, I love James. I'm going to miss him when he's inevitably voted out next week.

Ozzie, feeling paranoid before they headed to Tribal Council thought about bringing the hidden immunity idol with him, but apparently he left it at home, because he doesn't play it before the vote. We see James vote for Jason as he says "And I thought I was the stupidest Survivor ever," and at first it looks like James is right. The votes go Jason, Ozzie, Jason, Jason, Ozzie, Jason, Ozzie, Ozzie annnnnd Ozzie!?!! No one can believe it, especially Ozzie.


*sniff* Good-by King of Atlantis. Sleep well, my prince.

Ozzie leaves looking PISSED, and says in his send-off clip that who ever voted against him, "I pretty much hate you right now." So I would not count on Cirie or Parvati getting his million dollar vote.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)

Once again Ozzie relied on his skills rather than his brains to get him through the competition, and once again he was outwitted by someone else. Maybe All-Stars II will be his lucky break.

NEXT WEEK
One Alpha Male down, look out James!!

Prediction Time!
Your final four will be:
Cirie
Jason
Natalie
Parvati.

Your picks??