FLOCKING NEWS
I head some disturbing news driving in to work today. Turkeys are attacking postal carriers in Madison, WI. And I don't mean turkeys as in "code for hippy liberals" or anything. I mean, honest to goodness gobble-gobble, turkeys. Apparently there are bands of wild turkeys roaming the city and attacking mail carriers. This came as a big surprise to me as a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Madison (official motto: The Only Reason I'm Not Hung Over is I'm Still Drunk), because I don't remember ever seeing a turkey in my entire time at the University. Perhaps they've migrated north since I graduated, it seems like the only logical explanation.
The turkeys have been pecking at postal workers, scratching them with their talons and, on at least one occasion, jumping into an open mail truck and attacking the driver. The turkey was not able to gain control of the vehicle, but if it had I bet there would have been reports of it cruising slowly in front of post offices all across the city, another turkey in the passenger seat, clanking bottles together.
"Mailmen Come Out And Plaaaaay.
Maaaaailllmen Come Out And Plaaaaaay.
MAAAAAAAILLLLLLLMEN COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"
The speculative reason for the sudden turkey attacks? Mating season. Hot, hormone laden turkeys driven to uncontrollable lust by the grey uniforms of the United States Postal Service. That's... that's disgusting, to be honest. Remember, you always have the right to say no. Even if the turkey has bought you dinner, even if you've started fooling around, even if you've already had sex with a turkey before, you always have the right to say no.
So not only are postal workers being assaulted, they're being sexually assaulted. Which we all know is worse, because it has the word "sex" in it and we are a country founded by Puritans who had no problems burning someone to death for "allegedly" being a witch, but who believed if you showed any flesh below the chin or above the shin, even to your husband, even after you had had children, you were a prostitute and should be burned to death. But we've come a long way since then, some women are even allowed to talk to men today as if they were equals, and we no longer resolve all of our problems through burning. Not since we invented guns and the Second Amendment. So postal workers have been given guns to protect themselves from turkey attacks, but since this is Madison (city motto: The Most Outraged City This Side of the Mississippi) the guns only fire water. Postal workers have been complaining about the squirt gun solution lately, because not only have the turkeys grown used to the squirting, but because some times the guns leak, getting water all over the Desert Eagle the postal carrier was concealing in their mail bag.
The obvious solution to all of this is a pair of phone calls to the Butterball and Jenny-O headquarters, but until I'm elected an official in Madison, I doubt that that is going to happen.
This just goes to show, America, that while there are many delicious birds, there is only one bird that is good while it is alive. And it loves Rock, and it loves Chalk.
Adorable, isn't he?
The turkeys have been pecking at postal workers, scratching them with their talons and, on at least one occasion, jumping into an open mail truck and attacking the driver. The turkey was not able to gain control of the vehicle, but if it had I bet there would have been reports of it cruising slowly in front of post offices all across the city, another turkey in the passenger seat, clanking bottles together.
Maaaaailllmen Come Out And Plaaaaaay.
MAAAAAAAILLLLLLLMEN COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"
The speculative reason for the sudden turkey attacks? Mating season. Hot, hormone laden turkeys driven to uncontrollable lust by the grey uniforms of the United States Postal Service. That's... that's disgusting, to be honest. Remember, you always have the right to say no. Even if the turkey has bought you dinner, even if you've started fooling around, even if you've already had sex with a turkey before, you always have the right to say no.
So not only are postal workers being assaulted, they're being sexually assaulted. Which we all know is worse, because it has the word "sex" in it and we are a country founded by Puritans who had no problems burning someone to death for "allegedly" being a witch, but who believed if you showed any flesh below the chin or above the shin, even to your husband, even after you had had children, you were a prostitute and should be burned to death. But we've come a long way since then, some women are even allowed to talk to men today as if they were equals, and we no longer resolve all of our problems through burning. Not since we invented guns and the Second Amendment. So postal workers have been given guns to protect themselves from turkey attacks, but since this is Madison (city motto: The Most Outraged City This Side of the Mississippi) the guns only fire water. Postal workers have been complaining about the squirt gun solution lately, because not only have the turkeys grown used to the squirting, but because some times the guns leak, getting water all over the Desert Eagle the postal carrier was concealing in their mail bag.
The obvious solution to all of this is a pair of phone calls to the Butterball and Jenny-O headquarters, but until I'm elected an official in Madison, I doubt that that is going to happen.
This just goes to show, America, that while there are many delicious birds, there is only one bird that is good while it is alive. And it loves Rock, and it loves Chalk.
Adorable, isn't he?
posted by Matt Worzala at
8:17 AM
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