SURVIVOR

This week on... Survivor.

We've just started a new season, number 15, allegedly the last one host Jeff "Rock n' Roll Jeopardy" Probst is signed on for, and they're in China this year. Sponsors have finally come back after the controversial "Race Teams" of two seasons ago. What's funny to me is last season the final four people were Asian and black and no one said boo about it. Well, there was a guy NAMED Boo, but that's besides the point.

There are two teams.

Zhan Hu is made up of:
Ashley
"Chicken"
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie
Todd

Now, since I don't feel like trying to remember how to spell Zhan Hu and Fei Long each week, they will now be known as Team Yellow (because their color is yellow) and Team Denise (because Denise is on their team).

Last week Team Denise, thanks to James (a grave digger), beat out Team Yellow in the immunity challenge, and "Chicken" was sent home. Which is fine by me, because after the last season of people named "Boo" and "Dreamz" and "Rocky" I'm fine with them picking off all the "nickname" people first. I'm looking at you, "Frosti".

In a move of stunning kindness on Probst's part, both teams have gotten flint. This is not par for the course, but maybe the producers felt bad for only allowing the contestants this year to have what they were wearing for the entire trip. I remember in Survivor: All-Stars (aka Rob and Amber Love Each Other), one of the teams didn't have flint for almost two weeks. No flint=no fire=no clean water=well, you don't want to know.

At Team Yellow's camp Dave, the appointed leader is doing his best to goose step everyone into building a stone fire pit before they do anything else. This does not meet well with the ladies, who want to eat. It especially doesn't sit well with Pro Wrestler/Non-Pants Wearer Ashley. She and Dave butt heads, Dave calls her sweetheart, she rolls her eyes a bunch. If you watch, the argument goes on so long that the fire pit goes from one stack of blocks to three stacks of blocks before it is done. Talk about beating a dead horse.

Speaking of dead horses, over at Team Denise, Jean-Robert is sleeping, yet again. A professional poker player, Jean-Robert says his laziness is intentional, as it lowers everyone's expectations of him. So, when he does start working, he'll looking like a stud. Or, he'll take it right in the poker come voting time.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
The two teams come out to a giant mud pit, where there are six giant balls on two ramps. Probst informs everyone that he will be releasing two balls into the pit for each round. Three team members for each team will try and get one of the balls into their opponents goal. First team to get two in, wins. The balls are about the size of a person, so they're quite large, plus, it immediately starts raining right before the challenge, adding more water to the already shin high pool.

The first round is Aaron/Amanda/Denise vs Jamie/Sherea/Erik in the ball pit. What follows is basically an orgy of blurred breasts, fuzzy butt shots, and people being chokeslammed again and again into the water. How someone didn't come up with a concussion is beyond me, but Amanda Hugginkiss is the hero in the first round, scoring a point for Team Denise.

The second round is James/Jean-Robert/Leslie vs Ashley/Frosti/Dave. Let me just point out that James is a giant man who digs graves for a living (possibly with his bare hands [or some poor bear's hands]) and Jean-Robert is 6'6", 300 pounds if he's an inch. What follows is the only logical outcome as Jean-Robert wades through the mud, literally dragging Ashley behind him, before James shoves the ball into the goal like it was half it's size.

For the reward Team Denise gets fishing gear, a fishing boat and one of Team Yellow's players until the time of the Immunity Challenge. They choose Jamie because, well, she's hot, and some psycho-babble about it demoralizing the other team to lose their "ray of sunshine". Jamie is given a parchment to be read in secret.

Back at camps, Team Yellow discovers their camp is all but underwater at this point, which allows Dave and Ashley to fight some more. At Team Denise, Jamie opens her parchment to find out that she has to give her immunity clue to someone from Team Denise before she leaves. She chooses Leslie, the Christian Radio Host who is (her own words) "not religious, but I do share a deep relationship with Christ." ... ... ... Words fail me.

So Leslie reads her new clue which says the Immunity Idol is hidden in plain sight. Cut to camera shot of an emblem nailed to the front of their camp. Dun-dun!!! Leslie decides she'll need help for this, so she turns to Todd, who, so far, has everyone coming to him to be buddies. The man is airline attendant, and you'd think he'd smuggled bags of peanuts with him the way everyone wants to be his friend. The Flying Weasel comments on his luck, and how he hopes the ill-healthed Leslie continues to decline, so she'll have to leave and he'll be the only one with a clue. Meanwhile, Jean-Robert's Operation: Snooze Button, continues to rile up the rest of the camp.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Two giant battering rams. Two doors that have to be rammed down. Then the ram has to be lead through a maze that is carved into the wood, and finally you have to slam it against a gong.

Again, Team Denise has Jean-Robert and James and Team Yellow has Dave, a former model, Erik, a nice enough kid, and Frosti, who thought it was a good idea to name himself after a desert on Wendy's Dollar Menu.

Team Denise all but Shadowcats their way through the doors they're doing so well, while Dave has to be replaced up front by Frosti as he can't even stand up anymore. Apparently napping all the time is good for you, while hauling around giant stone blocks to build a fire pit is not. Who knew?

Things get close at the maze portion as Team Denise hits a dead end and Team Yellow takes the lead. Things flip back when Team Yellow hits a similar dead end and Team Denise cruises to victory. James leads the charge into the gong so hard they knock the gong OFF the stand as James continues running into the woods. Maybe he saw someone that needed burying.

Back to Team Yellow's camp. Dave apologizes for blowing it for everyone, but hopes they'll vote out lazy Ashley instead of bossy Dave. It certainly doesn't seem that way at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
As more than one person jumps on Dave for being too bossy. Dave makes a comment to Sherea and she goes from School Teacher to Springer Guest in 3 seconds. "What is your criteria for voting tonight," Probst asks Ashley. "Oh, I'm voting for Dave," says Ashley.

The votes are read... Dave, Ashley, Dave, Ashley, Ashley, uh-oh, Ashley! She warns Dave that "I'll be seeing you soon" and like that, the wrestler's chances are just, wait for it, a Million Dollar Dream.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Team Yellow)
Ashley (Team Yellow)

Next Week! Machete's! And more chokeslams!

p.s. The Office was excellent tonight, as usual. "They go so well together, like PB and J... Pam Beasley and Jim... that would have been so good." - Kevin

WELL... HUH

Yeah, I thought I'd be back up and running by now, but moving continues to keep me at bay. That and a general malaise about what to write about. My GUESS is now that Survivor is up I think I'm going to start writing about that. I love that show, gosh darn do I love it.

Some days I feel like I've got 80 ideas, some days none, and I don't want to turn this into a "today I had a sandwhich. Talked to B. Wonder if she's still mad at me for what happened at J and K's party" cause, well, that's lame sauce. If I wanted to write something like that I'd get a livejournal. Or I'd post on myspace more often.

So, again, sorry for not posting more. I'm sorry to let you all down, thanks for coming to check the page out. Float through the archives, click the links, click the Ads! I'll be back up and running soon.

Oh and p.s. To the good people at Dr. Who re: Season 2's finale. As Michael Scott once put it

it feels like somebody took my heart, and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone, and I am crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Though the Doc's 3D glasses were top notch. HELLLOOOOOO Halloween costume!

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-19-07

Today's Wednesday Word is roof, as in "I'm afraid my sodium is going to be through the roof."

I have to go see a doctor. That's not really up for debate anymore. Last time I saw one was... okay, I think it was three summers ago when I was the adult chaperon for a hike through the Northern Cascade Mountains. But, seriously, it's not like cancer, or adult diabetes, or blood pressure problems, or iron deficiencies or anything like that run through my family. ... okay, they run through my family, but still.

I've got this cough. It's like, a raspy cough, and it gets worse at night. Then it moves from occasional raspy cough to a barrage of throat scratching lung heaves. It's probably The Consumption. Or Black Lung. If only my people knew more than mining, but it is our way.

So I should go see the doc, to get that taken care of and to get an assessment on how the old frame is holding up as I creep ever closer to 30. I think I'm in decent shape. According to the old Internet I've got a BMI of 24, which is decent, and this time last year I was running 6.2 miles in under an hour.

But man, that sodium. You know how delicious those meals in a bag dinners are? If you don't, don't pretend, cause they're brilliant! But they're also all but soaked in sodium in order to not spoil in the freezer. So it's like, here's a bunch of delicious soaked in sodium in order not to spoil in the freezer! ... that was a terrible metaphor. I blame the cough.

I even have health insurance, so there's no excuse not to go. Though the last time I went my health insurance saved me about $11. Glad I'm paying $1,200 a year for you, $11 safety net. Dental insurance all but allows me to go to the dentist for free, and that includes x-rays. I didn't even need an x-ray at the doctors. Thanks for raising my expectations so high Dental insurance.

But I have to go to the doctor. Or else I'm going to die of this cough. And if that doesn't get me either my mom (who is a nurse) or my fiancee (who is my fiancee) will kill me for not going. Especially since I may have kinda sorta slightly been promising to go for the last 5 months now. You know, when the cough started.

So the doc's going to tell me I've got the heart of a 50 year old, and no more sodium and that they've noticed a suspicious growth and I should really start wearing boxers more often etc etc habeas corpus, blah blah ipso facto blah, that'll be $200 and your entire lunch hour is gone. ... Gee, thanks Doc. What about this cough? "Oh, the cough? Yeah, that's just gotta run its course. Oh, and that'll be another $100 for the extra assessment."

Now I understand why Kramer just went to the vet.

PLEASE STOP

In regards to Camera-gate or Spy-gate or Belichick-gate or whatever you want to call it, please stop.

Same with Nipple-gate.

Same with Washington-gate.

Same with "Whatever"-gate.

Please stop using "gate" as your go-to shorthand for scandal. Watergate was not a Water-scandal, it was the name of the hotel that was serving as the Democratic National Convention. It was that building that five men broke in to in order to steal documents related to Democratic candidates that could then be used against them in elections. It was President Nixon's ties to this break-in that ultimately lead to him leaving office rather than face impeachment.

THAT'S a scandal. When the President of the country is accused of paying people to commit crimes so he can spy on his own opponents to keep himself in power. That's what Watergate means.

You think a nipple appearing for a kabillion-th of a second rivals that? You think an unintelligent comment by an ignorant man rivals that? You think a football team trying to get an edge on another football team by cheating rivals that?

Wrong. Wrong. And Wrong.

So please, do me a favor and stop throwing "-gate" around like it's a parsley sprig at Denny's. If you have to call them something, call them uproars. Uproar is a good word. And it could use the publicity.

LACK OF CONTENT

Yes, I am aware of it.

Sorry about all that. We're moving at work, so that provides little time to sneak away and blog, and work is where I do 95% of my blogging from. Add to that that my home computer has been on the fritz due to a faulty keyboard, and that I've been busy with the final rehearsals of Pennsylvania Rose (3 out of 4 stars! Fridays and Saturdays at 8 p.m. from now until October 13th!) and I haven't had much time to write here.

I apologize, and I hope to be back with more things soon. If you're just coming here because Jen has recently showcased my writing? I'm sorry that you've stumbled upon an empty exhibition hall. Uhhhhh... maybe go to the back archives and look around. If you like what you see, check back in a week. Should be up and running again by then.

Or the walls will be crumbling from their foundation. One or the other.

FRIDAY SP-OETRY

"edaltrak"
Get more action in the sack
push
Whats in your pants

"astbarer"
There are a lot of fishes in the sea
Why not
Become a real man
We've got you covered

And then from T-Pain's "Bartender"
She made us drinks (to drink)
We drunk 'em (got drunk)
And now I think
She thinks I'm cool

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-12-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "up" as in "I saw Shoot 'em Up yesterday and I give it two gun barrels up!"

It is not a movie for everyone. It is not, for example, three of your lady friends may enjoy attending, especially, say, your fiancee. And Paul Giamatti feels up a corpse, oh, uhhh... SPOILERS!!

But for me, who went into the movie just looking to watch Clive Owen shoot a bunch of people in completely ridiculous ways, it was everything I wanted to see in a movie.

-Shoot out in a warehouse? Check
-Shoot out in the hero's home? Check
-Shoot out in a gun factory? Check
-Shoot out in a bathroom? Check
-Shoot out in free fall? That's a big Check
-Murder by Carrot? Check and then Check Again!

So, if you're looking for just pure over the top gun fighting, then go see Shoot 'em Up because it's FANTASTIC.

But now I'm hungry for carrots all the time.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-5-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "come" as in "I don't think anyone's going to come."

"Pennsylvania Rose" opens on Friday. So it's that time of the year when I assure myself that no one will come see the play that I wrote, and that a bunch of fine actors spent a month working on memorizing their lines, making costumes, building props for a show that no one is going to see. And it will just keep running for 12 shows... with no one coming to see them.

That's what we like to call "bone crushing".

On top of that, I have a cough that pops up every night that I THINK might be lung cancer. Or at least TB. And I finally need to get new glasses. I've been on my back-ups for over a month now since my old ones snapped, literally, in half, and I think my eyes are starting to reject them finally. Maybe that's why I have the cough.

Either that or it's from some sort of airborne thing that's in our house because one of our two cats absolutely refuses to go in it's litter box. I know you spent 6 months in the woods little guy, but still, throw us a bone, okay?

I've got three things for this blog in the hopper. One is a rebuttal to a post I saw on Jen's Quarter-Life Crisis blog, one is the "journal" my character kept when I played "The Game of REAL Life" at a friend's place on Tuesday, and I'm in "phone training" tomorrow, so I should be able to mine some comedy gold out of that as well. Oh, and the play that no one is going to go see opens on Friday. I could probably write about that too.

In closing, come see my play. If you're not in my neck of the woods, tell your friends that are to go see it. It's a Western! With guns and outlaws and nooses and everything! There's even a safe! And shoot outs! And a bear!

p.s. If you're in the Chicago-land area any Friday, Saturday or Sunday from now to October 7th, check out the Chopin Theatre and the production of Get Down(sized!). That was written by our theatre owner. He's "The New Guy". Trust me, you'll like it.