ON THE ROAD *YAWN* AGAIN

My fellow blogger Jenifer heads back to California this weekend. She's got some misgivings about the whole thing, worries about coming home, if the town she grew up in has changed, what to call her former home, now just her home town. I think those are all pretty normal worries. I'm traveling as well this weekend and I've got my own worries.

What is there to do in Indiana?

My dad, brother and I are headed to Bloomington (city motto: Wow, thanks for visiting!.. oh, just passing through? We understand.) for the Wisconsin-Indiana football game on Saturday. We have to swing through Rockford, IL on the trip down. Not for kicks, but because some geniuses in Illinois (Motto: Waiting Till NEXT Year since 1818) decided it wouldn't affect anything if they tore up all the roads in Chicago. Fortunately no one lives or travels through Chicago, or this might have been an inconvenience. Instead, it gives us a chance to swing through scenic Central and Illinois, which, wow, certainly has a lot of sky to look at. These are parts of the country where you're tempted to drive off the highway into a corn field, just so that other motorists will have something to look at.

The highlight of the drive will probably be Gary, Indiana (city motto: Roll up your windows, lock your doors, and floor it!). A friend of mine once dropped off a roommate in Gary a few years ago. His roommate's advice, on getting out of the car was "The highway on-ramp is four blocks from here. Don't stop for red lights." And he LIVED there. So I'm excited. We'll be going through there around dinner time, so maybe we'll see a Pizza Hut car get jacked. That'd be something to write home about.

All I'd need to do is find a post office. That might be tricky. Do they still use the Pony Express in Indiana, or are they onto the telegraph now?

ON WISCONSIN!

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-27-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "don't" as in "If Uwe Boll challenges you to fight him in a boxing match because you have been making fun of his movies for the past couple of years, DON'T."

Uwe Boll, for those of you who don't know, is a terrible movie director. Let me clarify that last statement because someone is bound to ask me, "Matt, does that mean he directs terrible movies, or that he's a terrible director." My answer? Yes.

You see, he doesn't make just any movies, he makes Video Game based movies. Now, we're all aware of the gripping plot lines video games have. I'll never forget the tears that welled in my eyes the first time Mr. and Mrs. Pac-man met and began their fated love affair. For reasons known only to Mr. Boll, he seems to think these games warrant the big screen treatment and he is JUST the man to do it.

His movies are not good. IMDB give 2003's House of the Dead 2 out of 10 stars, and it's #12 on their bottom 100 list. 2005's Alone in the Dark received a 2.2 out of 10 and is #27 on the list. His latest masterpiece, BloodRayne, based on a video game about fighting Nazi's as a female vampire in a corset, tops the list at 2.5 stars and #47 on the list. You could, in theory, say that he's improving with each film. You could, in theory, say it would be in this country's best interest if we ground up the poor and used them as foodstuffs. Both are credible ideas, in theory.

Not only are his movies not good, they're not even popular. House of the Dead barely turned a profit while Alone in the Dark lost almost $12 million. BloodRayne once again topped them both losing close to $21.5 million dollars. To give you a gauge, Waterworld which everyone rips on a huge bomb of a movie, made $90 million. Uwe Boll's last three movies have lost a combined $31.4 million.

Needless to say, the man is mocked rather ruthlessly on this, the internet. So a few months back Mr. Boll did the only thing a grown man CAN do when faced with derision and scorn from all sides. He challenged his critics to a boxing match.

"Come and fight me," said Mr. Boll.
"Okay," said four poor saps.

Oh, did I mention that Mr. Boll is a former boxer with over ten years of experience? And that none of his challengers were? That's a little important as well. Needless to say, Mr. Boll cleaned the ring with the four men.

So, to recap. The man makes terrible movies based on shoddy video games. The terrible movies he makes lose the studios their money. He resolves conflicts, not by improving his craft, but instead by fighting vastly underqualified critics, one of which was a 17 year old boy named NELSON, and he still has four different movies in the works and has probably made millions of dollars directing.

Someone get The Hauge on the phone. I think I've we've got another war crimes trial to line up when we finally get done with Saddam Hussein.

THE TERRIBLE TRUTH

There was a man a month or so back who was detained at the airport when security found a "bomb" in his luggage. I place the word "bomb" in quotes because the item was not actually a bomb but, instead, a penis pump.

The man had been traveling with his mother and did not wish for her to know what the item was when it was pulled from his bag durring a routine search. I can sympathize, I don't think any man out there would like his mother, the woman who bore him, to know that a) he owns a device designed to lengthen and enlarge his penis and b) that he uses this item often enough to necessitate it traveling in his luggage.

So the man, like any man caught in a tight situation, lied. This is not a surprise. Men lie all the time. The top three lies, in no particular order are currently:
- No, you don't look fat in that outfit.
- I'd love to still be friends.
- You know, Jessica Alba isn't even all that attractive.

The lie is not the crucial matter here, the crucial matter is that this man's brain, racing as it was, chose The Single Most Idiotic Lie EVER. A bomb. Somehow, someway, this poor sap weighed all of his options and figured in this, post 9/11 America, it was far, far better to tell airport security he was carrying a bomb in his bag than let his mother know it was actually a penis pump.

There had to have been other avenues he could have gone down.
"That? Why that's an economy sized pen holder."
"That? Why that's an automatic balloon inflater."
"That? Yes, it's a penis pump. That darn roommate of mine must have snuck it in there. He's such a jokester."
"That? Dude, you know what it is. Why do you have to bust my balls in front of my mom?"
"Que? No Hablo English."

Now, not only DOES his mother know he has a penis pump, all of airline security knows. All of the airport knows. All of America knows. Poor Mardin Azad Amin. Poor stupid Mardin Azad Amin. That's M-a-r-d-i-n A-z-a-d A-m-i-n.

Next time, just check it through, dude. Hide it in your spare shoes like everyone else does.

Uhhh... not that I would know.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-20-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "19" as in "19 is actually a number, but it's a word if you spell it out, like this, n-i-n-e-t-e-e-n. Also, dash spelling is a pain to type."

19 is the number of hits Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer needs to get by October 1st for me to win $10 from my co-workers. The Minnesota Twins, for those of you in the audience who don't know (which is mostly just Tani [however, Tani is the majority of my audience so I'll humor her]), is a baseball team. Baseball is the sport with nine fielders and a batter. Kinda like cricket but with fewer tea breaks and more corked bat incidents. Have they ever even tried to cork a cricket bat? I bet not. Darn lazy English, that's how you lost your empire. Lack of initiative.

But the global ramifications of The British Isles' work ethic is not the point here. The point is this, I have $5 of my own money riding on Joe Mauer hitting .346 or better by the end of this season and he only needs, by my math, 19 more hits to accomplish this.

Joe Mauer, for those of you who don't know, was having a heck of a summer this season. By the end of June he was hitting .392, slugging .540 and his on base percentage was .458. That means, statistically, every game he was in he was all but guarenteed to get at least one hit and get on base every other at bat. Those are phenominal numbers, especially for catchers, who normally are lucky to hit somewhere in the low .200s. (Unless you've played catcher for the Brewers in the last decade, in which case your batting average was probably neck and neck with the Bat Boy's.) With his numbers this high, there was rabid speculation on whether or not he would be the first person to finish a season batting .400 since Ted Williams did it back in 1941. As is often the case with rabid speculation, people started laying money down on the outcome.

I'm currently in a bet with two of my co-workers on what Mauer's final batting average will be. Jeff bet he would finish at .369, I bet .349 and Jim bet .341. Since making this bet Mauer has gone into an absolute tailspin. He hasn't batted better than .300 for an entire month since, and as a result, his overall average is sinking like a well thrown, well, sinker. This quickly put Jeff out of the running as Mauer was resigned to the mid .350's by the middle of August. I have been in the driver's seat since, waiting for the end of the season to cash out. Unfortunately, Mauer continues to refuse to hit the ball regularly and his average has now zipped through my metaphorical strike zone into Jim's ratty catcher's glove.

Mauer currently sits at .343 with 12 games left in the season for the Twins. At best Mauer will probably see another 48 at bats, giving him a season total of 532 plate apperances. He currently has 166 hits. He only needs 185 total hits to finish the season with a .346 average, hanging ten sweet dollars in my wheel house for me to drive into the gap. And by "gap" I mean "wallet".

That's 19 hits in 12 games. Not an impossible feat for the once great Joe Mauer, but possibly daunting for the shadow of his former self that he has become. That's why I need all of you, my Star Worz-iors, to send all of your good vibes, good karma and prayers to Joe Mauer and his bat, so that I may walk away victorious with $10 I'll have earned, by gravy training on the accomplishments of others far more talented than myself.

God Bless America.

THE BEST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIFE

Ahhhh... Wisconsin weather. This weekend it was in the low 80's, today and tomorrow we're supposed to be lucky if we crack 60. And this is September, mind you, wait till we hit December.

Also in Wisconsin news last week was a failed plot by two Green Bay teenagers to stage a "Columbine-like attack" at East High School. Police, acting on a tip, raided the home of one of the teens where they found gas masks, automatic weapons, explosives, shotguns, handguns and more. There was also apparently a letter of intent found, indicating that the two boys were intending to make their attack some time in the near future and that they were hoping to die by "suicide by cop." If this had happened, it would be a tragedy for sure.

However, it didn't happen, so there is some humor to be found in the situation.

The first thing funny about this is that apparently the two young men have been planning this for three years. They're 17 now. That means they were FRESHMAN when they first hatched this plan. Of Course you were picked on when you were a freshman, everyone is picked on when they're a freshman. That's no reason to bring a sawed-off to school three years down the road. Also, maybe you wouldn't have felt so out of place in school if instead of wasting three years planning your murder spree you had spent it, oh, I don't know, getting involved in school and making friends. You mean to tell me in three years you couldn't make four friends between the two of you to go hang out at Perkins with on a Friday night? Go complain on your MySpace page and your Livejournal. Sit in your room listening to Linkin Park and System of A Down. Get interested in model planes and pornography. Don't try to kill a bunch of people because you lack social skills. It's that simple.

Even funnier than the two main players in this drama is a recently introduced secondary character. Another young man, an 18 year old graduate from East, has just been arrested for finding out about the planned attack and wanting to be part of it so he could get his revenge on those who picked on him. ...excuse me? You're a graduated student, who's left at the school for you to get revenge on? Were you being harassed by juniors and sophomores? Wow. I mean, we all agree that bullying is bad. If you get your kicks by picking on people smaller than you just because you can, you need to speak to a counselor or a psychiatrist, because you are messed up. Okay? Can we make that clear?

At the same time, if you're a senior and sophomores are making your life a living hell, you know what? Maybe you really are a loser.

And consider this, if you have nothing better to do with your time post-graduation than planning on hanging out with Juniors to eventually be shot by the cops, maybe you should pick up an extra shift or two at your job at McDonald's. Or start hanging out at Perkins as well. That chicken tender melt is delectable!

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?: A QUIZ

1) You are a nun in Italy. You work for a 70 year old priest as his cleaning lady. For 70's he's pretty handsome and you can tell he likes you. What do you do?
a) Pass. I'm married to Jesus.
b) There's no commandment against flirting. Maybe a kiss here and there would do us both a world of good.
c) God can't watch everyone all the time right? What's a little sex between people sworn to celibacy?

2) You and the priest have decided to succumb to your flames of passion. But wait, if you're going to be having sex, don't you think you should use protection?
a) Wait, you're right. This is wrong. Let's not have sex at all.
b) Condoms huh? Well, it's better than getting Chlamydia. I hear that burns like the dickens.
c) Uh, condoms are frowned upon by the Catholic church. Duh.

3) Whu-oh. Guess who's got a load of unleavened bread dropped in the old manger. What do you do now?
a) Give birth, raise the child as a reminder of my fall to temptation.
b) Give birth, give the child to an orphanage, admit nothing.
c) Yeah, I'm not really good with kids. Who's up for an abortion?

4) You decided to abort your "little mistake". What do you do now?
a) Confess, repent, see about being moved to a new convent.
b) Leave the convent. Serve people in a new, secular way.
c) Console yourself with some hot priest-on-nun sex.

5) But you're going to use protection this time, right?
a) Duh. I'm not having sex ever again.
b) Duh. Of course.
c) Duh. What part of "frowned on by the Catholic Church" are you not understanding?

6) You are a 70 year old priest. You have been carrying on a four year love affair with a nun. She has had not one, but two abortions because of you. You know, you should really do something about of this.
a) Goodbye Lover. Hello renewed life of celibacy and Repentance.
b) Goodbye Priesthood. Hello new life of sex, drugs and rock n' roll.
c) Hello Lover. Hello Additional Affair with Married Woman.

7) You are that nun again. You come home after a long day of... nun stuff... to find your lover in bed with another woman. What do you do?
a) OBVIOUSLY this is the sign I've been waiting for that I should turn away from my life of sin. I repent immediately.
b) I throw a fit. How dare he do this to me? And with a married woman no less? Has he no shame?
c) I start gathering matches and candles.

8) Wh-what are you going to do with all those matches and candles?
a) Prayer
b) Self-Immolation
c) Arson

9) That house certainly started burning fast. Hey, what's with the machete?
a) This? I use it for cutting fruit.
b) It's for starting my life over again as a warrior nun.
c) First I'm going to chop off his- sonofa, it's the cops. Look, you never saw me here, okay?

SCORE- 1 pt for every A, 2 pts for every B and 3 pts for every C answer

SCORING-
0-6: You obviously stopped taking the test before the end. Good call. I'd say you were a saint, but technically you cheated. Enjoy Limbo. But not the fun kind.
9-12: You try to do the right thing, but darn it celibacy is just so hard. At least you're not a total idiot. Welcome to the Second circle of Hell (Lust).
13-18: You can't stop screwing up. But at least you're picking the lesser of two evils. But guess what, you're still picking an evil. It's off to the Fifth circle for you (Wrath and Sullenness).
19-23: While your dedication to love and procreation is admirable, your lack of concern for the sanctity of life or your vows of celibacy has earned you a one way ticket to circle number Seven (Murder, Blasphemy). Maybe you should have paid more attention in church.
24-28: There's no possible way to SCORE a 28. So not only are you the scum of the earth, you cheat at tests too? Wow. Bad News: You're a sure shot for the absolute bottom of Hell, the Ninth circle. Good News: I'm sure Lucifer has some great stories to share. When he's not eating your flesh for all eternity, that is.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-13-06

This week's word is "review" as in "My review has come in and it looks good."

"3 Stories from Middleville" the play I've technically been writing for about 3 years opened last weekend to decent crowds, a ton of support and a really good review. As I may have mentioned here before, our entire town, 100,000 people not counting "suburbs" has one theatre reviewer and people have conditioned themselves to wait for his opinion on a show before going to see it. Well he came to my opening night and the review was in the paper on Monday (Happy 9/11, here's a comedy you should go see!), so hopefully we'll see the results of this the next five weeks.

The last play I did he didn't come to review until the 4th week, so the review didn't run until there were only 4 shows left. He gave us four stars out of four and said the play was good enough to be performed elsewhere because "it's legit." However, he also spent the great majority of the review not talking about the play or the performances but instead about how great the programs were. Now, I understand one of the nice things about the theatre that trumps both television and movies is the immersion but still, the programs were what you choose to focus on in an almost two hour comedy? I didn't exactly take 100+ full force slaps to the face and memorize paragraph long family tree explanations to be trumped by the programs. Not that the programs aren't nice Tony, but you understand what I'm saying.

So our review came out and it's good. It's better than good, it's great. It's not fantastic, but I knew that going in. "3 Stories From Middleville" earned 3 1/2 out of 4 stars. People ask me what I think of the review, I think it's great. That's what 3 1/2 stars means. There's very little that beats 3 1/2 stars. 4 stars, that's it. 4 stars is perfection, it's top of the line. Now, my play is great. It's funny, it's creative, it's well paced, and each story has a deeper meaning if you're willing to look. There's no reason it shouldn't have rated as highly as it did. I never had doubts about the show. But my play is not perfection. And that's no slam on the actors or the director, it came out of my hands as less than perfection. I don't think my next full play will be perfect either. In fact I know it won't be, I'm still stuck trying to figure out how the protagonist gets the other briefcase in the first place. Oh well, I've got till the 2008 season to figure it out. Hopefully Warren comes to see that one early in the run as well, I sweat the crowd size more than I do the review itself.

TODAY

I've been bouncing this around, I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about September 11th today, but with it BEING September 11th as well as the 5th anniversary of the attacks it seems silly to tip toe around it, like the elephant in the room.

5 years ago I was a senior in college. I was 21 years old and just starting my second year as a Housefellow at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I woke up about 7:30 that morning because I had to head down the block to register our floor team for flag football. I went down to the Natatorium (which is, by the by, the proper term for a gymnasium that includes a swimming pool) signed up and headed back to the dorm. I went back to sleep because, well, I was in college and I didn't have class for a few more hours.

I woke up to radio announcers talking about "the plane crashing into the World Trade Center". My first thought was what a tragedy it was that a pilot had accidentally flown into one of the towers. My second thought was wondering how you could not see the Trade Center coming up on you and swerve to avoid them. Then I heard them say a second plane had hit and I didn't know what to think. I turned on the TV and I saw two halves of smoking buildings. When they had said the Towers had been hit, I thought the tops had been nicked, I never would have guessed it looked like that.

Like everyone on my floor I sat in my room watching CNN. I remember seeing live the people running down the street towards the camera as the giant cloud of dust and debris suddenly came rolling towards them. Eventually I had to leave for class, so I did, unable to watch anymore. As I left I heard the report of United 93 crashing into a field in Pennsylvania. I remember yelling "What is there to bomb in Pennsylvania you terrorist assholes?!?" before slamming open the fire door and leaving the dorm. Some people were upset that classes were still being held that day, I for one appreciated the reprieve and it wasn't like anyone had to be at class that didn't want to be.

That's what I remember of the day. I remember being numb and being angry. I remember being angry at the entire Middle East for being unable to stop hating each other for five seconds. I was angry that their hate had flooded onto our shores and killed our people. I KNOW that we are not blameless for the problems in that region, at the same time I KNOW that the almost 3,000 people that died on September 11th were not to be held accountable for our country's transgressions. In the darkest moments of my anger I wished the entire region would be turned into a "great glass parking lot." If they could not make peace with each other, peace would be made for them, permanently. Fortunately I didn't hold onto this idea for too long. Just as our 3,000 did not deserve to die, the people of that region do not deserve to die because of the actions of a few zealots.

I sat on my couch, maybe two weeks later, watching television and the end of Rocky was on. And there was Rocky, battered, bleeding, but standing at the end and screaming, not saying, not yelling, out right screaming from his heart for Adrian. And I began to cry. I laughed at myself, as I usually do when I start crying, for being weak, but it was the first time I had cried since the attacks. It was what I needed to come back to some balance after what had happened. A heavy handed metaphor could be made between Rocky and America immediately after September 11th, but it's a poor metaphor and I'd be a hack for trying. Despite what Tani might tell you, I am not a hack. Not all the time any way.

Maybe a month after September 11th I came across an underage resident drinking in his room. After talking to him I returned to my room to fill out his disciplinary contact card. He came to my room to talk to me and one of the things we talked about was what had happened. He told me, and this is something I've always remembered, if he had been in charge he would have gone on television and said "We forgive you for what you've done to us."

I wonder what that would have done. It didn't mean that we were not going to bring the perpetrator to justice, you can forgive someone and still wish to see them punished by the law, but it would have thrown out all the "Dead or Alive" and "Bring 'em On" rhetoric. If we had stood there, a bloodied nation, and told not only our attackers but the world as well that we as a nation were bigger than our justifiable anger. That we were going to live as the God loving nation we so often claim to be. Not an angry, wrathful God, but the God who told us to "love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who mistreat you and persecute you.... For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Don't even the tax collectors do the same? If you only greet your friends, what more do you do than others?" (Matthew 5:44, 46-47)

Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. I can't say. Sometimes when it comes to the world I'm too optimistic. But I'd like to believe it would make a difference. I'd like to believe it could still make a difference, even five years later. I wish that was our legacy.

God bless you all, and Be Excellent To Each Other, today and every day to come.

AS A GESTURE IT'S FABULOUS, BUT...

So Brad Pitt has pledged that he and Angelina Jolie will not get married until America drops it's restrictions on marriage. I think that's an incredibly noble and true gesture on his part and I applaud him for making that stand.

At the SAME time, I don't think it's going to change anything. I don't think Congress is going to suddenly fall over themselves to pass a "It's Okay For Two Men Who Love Each Other To Make A Commitment" Amendment because the drooly guy from 12 Monkeys and the skanky hacker chick from Hackers won't tie the knot otherwise.

"Mr. President! Mr. President! The government is at a standstill. Citizens are rioting in the streets! Gas is $12 a gallon! Unemployment is at 73%! YouTube has been taken off the Internet!"

"What could be causing all of this tragedy?"

"It's Brad Pitt and Angelina Joile sir. They're NOT GETTING MARRIED!!"

"Well, nuts to us."

Now if they said they had pictures of Suri Cruise... THEN they might be in business.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 9-6-06

Today's Wednesday word is "want" as in "You've got your pictures of Suri, what more do you people want?"

Honestly, do you need a grainy, night vision, Paris Hilton-esque video of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes procreating to believe the baby is their daughter? First it was "they're having the baby in secret so that Tom can give it to his brain washing overlords who, in return, will make him delicious placenta smoothies." Then it became "Oh, they're hiding her because she has a giant birthmark on her face" or "she's possessed by the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard" or "the baby is Black!" So finally, after all the complaining and demanding made by a bunch of people who have no right to do either, Tom and Katie trot the baby out.

Crisis averted.

Wait, what? Crisis not averted? How can the mother loving crisis NOT BE AVERTED!?! You wanted to see the baby! You've seen the baby! Move Along!

Now the real nutjobs have come out of the closet. One of my favorites is that Suri is actually Chris Klein's child, the reason it's been in hiding is because Katie gave birth 4 months earlier than announced and the baby is actually 7 months, instead of 3. But really, why stop there? When you've already jumped off the Reality Cliff, there's a lot of wiggle room to play with. Howabout then Tom Cruise, rampaging homosexual that he is, sniffed out Katie's pregnancy through his shadowy connections in the World Bank, then hypnotized her into becoming his "love slave" so that he could claim the baby was his so the world wouldn't think that he was into dudes. By the by, if after hooking up with Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz AND Katie Holmes people still think you're gay they're always going to think you're gay. Chris Klein's silence, meanwhile, was bought by the Grand Wizard of the KKK for a pound of marshmallow Peeps and a promised roll as an extra in "Mission Impossible: IV".

Oh, and Tom Cruise is the man responsible both for faking the Pentagon crash and for the Spanish train bombing.

People had convinced themselves so much that there HAD, there just HAD to be something wrong with this baby, some monstrous deformity that had kept Cruise and Holmes from letting the press stick their hot little flash bulbs in the kid's face, that when "SURPRISE! IT'S A BABY!" Their minds all spun off into looney land with new conspiracy theories. The couple had a baby, they didn't want to show it off right away, now they do. End of boring, not-actually-a-news-story news story.

Seriously people, get a life. And while you're out, why don't take the money you're currently dropping on tabloid rags and send it to The Red Cross or Operation Uplink?

Or come see my play, you'll love it. Conspiracy theories galore in the third act.

STAND BACK, I'M NEGOTIATING HERE

Seriously? Do you cops have nothing better to do than swing by my house?

Do I know what time it is? I sure do. It's, oh, okay, it's a little later than I thought, but it's not like it's 4 in the morning or, better yet, NOON. I mean, c'mon, you only turn 21 once. If the birthday boy wants to smash a glass bottle outside just to see how it feels, I think he should be able to do that without the police getting "all up in his business" as the kids say. No, there aren't any kids here. What? People yell "OH S*** THE COPS!", throw their drink to the ground and run into the house all the time. That doesn't make them suspicious. Where are we, England? Innocent until PROVEN guilty. That's all I'm saying. Didn't think I knew that did you. Two words for you, Law. And. ... order. Okay, so three words, it's not like this is a spelling bee. Or a word off, or whatever it would be. This isn't an interrogation either, because my lawyer isn't present. And she won't be done with law school for another 8 months. So just keep that in mind.

Yes, I am well aware that the average age on my block is 54, but I don't think they should be allowed to sic the fuzz on us just because they're jealous of our capricious youth. Where are his pants? What are you, a detective? He knows where his pants are. And if all our neighbors are trying to quote unquote sleep, what are they doing staring out the window at two pantless guys chasing a girl around in the front yard? I think the average age on my block is pervert. I'll go on the record if you want about that.

Move the cars? Make up your mind 5-0, are you cops or parking attendants. How am I supposed to fit 20 cars in my driveway? Riddle me that one. And who else needs to park on the road at this time of night? It's not snowing, so we're not blocking the plow. Not your concern? Then why are you telling me about it? If you don't care and I don't care- you do care? You just said it wasn't your concern. Oh WHERE they go, that's not your concern. Well how great for you. Isn't it your job to protect and Serve? Well a great way to serve is to do. So if you could figure out where all these cars can go, that's be a great Serv-ice to me.

What? Come with you to your squad car? Sure thing. Make it snappy though, we're about to cut the cake.

Easy with the bracelets there Ponch, not that I'm not flattered, but I'm into chicks.

JUST DON'T SAY YOU'RE SORRY

NBC issued an apology this week for the opening to the Emmy's. For those of you who didn't see it, well, now you have.

The reason they had to apologize is because certain people found it insensitive on NBC's party to air this opening after the tragic plane crash in Kentucky which had occurred earlier that day.

I don't mean to sound insensitive myself, but COME ON!! How was NBC supposed to redo an entire 6 minute intro, or at least the first two minutes of it, in one day because of a accident No One could have seen coming?

You don't see the plane crash, it's not a violent plane crash, there aren't bodies everywhere, it's a little joke used to put him on the island so they can comment on "Lost" being snubbed this year. Speaking of which, are they going to have to re-write "Lost" now? Will the plane crash be written out entirely and replaced with a boating accident? I empathize with the people who had suddenly lost their loved ones that day, but NBC isn't to blame for it. And I don't know if NBC should have to apologize because 100 people, out of a nation of millions, were offended by something that was on screen for 15 seconds.

There are bigger issues in this world. I won't even get into listing them because it'll take too long, but if an allusion to a fake plane crashing can get one of the Big 3 networks to issue a formal apology, then why haven't some of our nation's real problems been fixed yet? Or at least apologized for?

And speaking of getting worked up over nothing, General Motors decided to pull their sponsorship of the latest installment of "Survivor" because the show is creating four teams based on race. Honest to goodness, what is the Big DEAL?? Sorry GM, sorry that "Survivor" is featuring more non-white contestants than ever before. Sorry they're taking a step forward in a manner you're not comfortable with. Oh, it'll only encourage stereotypes. What are you, new? Anyone that's worried about stereotyping on reality television has obviously never watched reality television. It's ALL stereotypes. You squeeze 39 days into 16 one-hour segments, all you have time for is "Prissy Young Girl" and "Dumb Country Boy" and "Loud Old Man". If anything, having more minorities on the show will prevent them from showing just "Angry Black Guy" or "Mean Asian Woman". Finally, we get to see a "Prissy Young Girl" of ALL races. That's progress people. It honestly is.

It's not like Probst is marking the islands "Whites Only" or "No Asians Allowed", it's a sociological experiment that's going to shaken back up into "normal teams" 5 episodes in. Get a grip people. Seriously.

The only bright side, Febreeze's Survivor Family Moment brought to you by Febreeze really gets a chance to shine now. 15 seconds of awkward conversation just isn't enough for me.