"DISAPPOINTING" ZOMBIE UPRISING AT AN END

-Washington, D.C.

Despite rumors that it was a herald of the end-times, the recent zombie uprising has proven to be "disapointing" according to experts.

"We've all seen the movies," said Senator Arlen Specter. "Zombies rise up and start terrorizing people, pretty soon humanity is on the brink of extinction before a rag-tag band of heroes unites to save the day. But in reality? Very disappointing."

"Hollywood has once again shown the American people how out of touch with reality they really are," said Senator Joe Lieberman in a written statement. "People have been conditioned to fear the return of the dead in what was expected to be a gore filled, hysteria inducing, mass slaughter. But where was the super speed? The savagery? Where was the horrific realization of their advanced problem solving skills? These were just corpses shambling around."

"Also," added Lieberman. "I was disappointed in the lack of nudity. I didn't see one news report about college co-eds being caught mid-coitus or anything."

Around the world the dead began rising from their graves shortly after 7:00 a.m. EST last Sunday. A day of full blown panic followed the announcement, but the panic quickly subsided as people realized real zombies are much less impressive than Hollywood zombies. Media analyst Sid Eserkaln explains.

"The first 24 hours was really something intense. I remember the Post's headline was "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" in big red letters, and the New York Times had this picture of this crowd of zombies and "The End?" as the header. The Pope lead 4 million, million mind you, people in simultaneous prayer for the safety of mankind. But, by Monday afternoon the excitement had really faded. Most of the dead were in pretty bad condition and had lost all locomotive skills by that time."

Indeed, even with advancements in the preservation of our dead, most of the corpses buried more than ten years ago had suffered extensive muscle atrophy, leaving them helpless and immobile. Those under ten years were quickly re-exterminated by National Guard Units, tacticle missle strikes and "hicks with guns". The last few pockets, located in remote areas of Asia and Appalachia, are reported to have been destroyed last night.

Total casualties resulting from the uprising have yet to be calculated, but even the least conservative estimates number in the low thousands.

"Maybe 3,000 killed by zombies in a planet of 6.5 billion people? That's a disappointment, no matter how you look at it," stated Specter, breathing a heavy sigh.

"I'm just so let down."

WEDNESDAY WORD 4-26-06

The word for today COULD be "Blogger." As in, "I would have put this up last night, but Blogger refused to load a new post page", but hey, why blame it for what's obviously my own failings. If only I had had dinner ready when Blogger got home, maybe it would have allowed me to post.

You'll never understand our love.

It's not like Blogger doesn't do things for me. It, um, jams all of my paragraphs together if I spell check so I have to go through and add html paragraph breaks. That's, that's teaching me to be self sufficient. And if I try to post something at home, Blogger gives me two options, tiny font and stupid-big font. That's a good lesson in... making tough choices. Yes, that's what it is.

Uh-oh, I think Blogger's coming home, you better go now, Blogger doesn't like it when I have visitors.

I'll talk to you soon.

... huh, guess today's word WAS "Blogger". How about that?

STARBUCKS TO CLOSE AFTER LOSS OF SERVER

-Middleville, CA
In a surprising move, the Starbucks Coffee Shop on the corner of Main and Dawn will be closing its doors forever Friday, just weeks after the departure of popular server Krissy Bell. The location, until recently, had been doing brisk business, attracting customers from across the town.

"I'm shocked," manager Clive Barrow was quoted as saying. "I've been working in the service industry for over 20 years and I've never seen a downswing like this. We just came off a great winter, and then two weeks into March the customers just stopped coming."

Former customer Owen Hawke explained why he stopped buying from the coffee shop. "I don't know, I just woke up one day and realized I was paying $5 for a cup of coffee. I mean, it's coffee, not the cure for cancer or anything. Plus all the caffeine was pushing my blood pressure through the roof. So about a week after I found out that Krissy was gone I just stopped going. I keep a couple of Mt. Dews in the company fridge, and that gets me through the day."

Bill Ott echoed Hawke's reasons. " I was driving twenty minutes, three or four times a day, clear across town to pay for coffee when I have it for free right here at work. Cream and sugar too. Between Krissy leaving and gas prices rising the way they are, it's not worth the hassle.”

Bell, 22, a self-described “flirty, people-person”, had previously been employed at Scoopy's Ice Cream Stand, located next to the Ben Franklin Craft Store. Bruce Surhoff, owner of Scoopy’s, remembers her as a hard worker who seemed to have a natural rapport with the customers.

"She was always there with a friendly smile for the customers and a pleasant laugh. She was a hard worker too, I remember after she graduated from high school in 2002 she was at the stand almost every day, open to close, trying to earn money for college."

“The only criticism I remember having was her inability to follow company dress code. Especially with the company shirt. The sleeves would be rolled up, the bottom would be tied in a knot and she always had at least the top three buttons opened. The managers agreed something had to be done, but I don’t know if they ever met with her.”

Bell worked at Scoopy's from the summer of 1999 through 2003. During that time the small ice cream stand saw record traffic and profits, especially in '02.

"We called it 'The Steady Stream Summer'," said Bill Surhoff, former Scoopy's shift manager. "We’d open at 11 a.m. and there were at least three guys in line till we would close at 10 p.m. My dad thinks it’s because of that was the summer we created Mega-Shakes, maybe, but the week Krissy went on vacation we barely broke even, understand?"

Indeed, the first Krissy-less summer was almost the end for Scoopy's Ice Cream Stand. Plummeting sales figures lead to the stand closing three weeks before Labor Day weekend, for the first time since 1944. By 2005 numbers were not only back to where they had been previously but had exceeded records set in '99 and '00.

"’04 was tough,” remembers Surhoff. "But then Kassie Bell started in ’05 and she’s even more personable than her sister. Like a full cup more personable."

Since leaving Starbucks, Bell has started working at the local Timberlodge where reservations have spiked 240%. Manager Kurt Fitzpatrick attributes it to "the good food and family atmosphere that is synonymous with the Timberlodge name."

WEDNESDAY WORD 4-19-06

Today's word is "McDonald's." As in "You should have gone to McDonald's if you wanted your food fast" which is what our waiter said to us at lunch today. We already were not about to tip the guy, but that comment left no doubt in anyone's mind.

We arrived for lunch at 11:45. There were maybe three other tables seated at this point. There are about 5 waiters, odds are in our favor, right? Wrong. Our waiter was Jesse Meth-Head. The tip off should have been "METH" spelled out on his knuckles, not a lot of Nobel Winners in the Field of Physics with knuck tats, but we figured, how hard is it to screw up lunch?

12:05 he finally comes to take our order. Apparently he wanted to make REAL sure we knew what we wanted. The restaurant is slowly starting to fill up around us. Ben makes the mistake of ordering "all you can eat ribs".

12:25 we're still sitting there, eating the fourth bowl of comped chips and salsa and people around us are getting their meals brought out to them. People that showed up the same time we did are getting their to-go boxes. Jesse Meth-Head has some how even forgotten in his meth haze that Jim ordered water, cause he starts bringing him out Cokes as well. Which is fine by Matt R. because Jesse brought him a Diet Coke instead of a Coke like he ordered.

12:40 a second, more serious discussion about just walking out is brought up. Unfortunately our food is finally being brought out. We ordered two pork sandwiches, a burrito, two salads and ribs but in the black hole that is the kitchen it took 35 minutes to cook and 55 minutes all around to get. The manager, the love child of George Costanza and Rick Moranis, comes over to ask how the food was. "Fine, now that it's here."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, if there's anything I can do about the wait." Yeah Dr. Brown, why don't you and Marty get the Delorian and go back to an hour ago with my food. Can you do that for me chief? "How about a discount?" asks Jim. He cuts us 15% or $7 off the bill. Whoah, slow down there, we don't want the company going under.

12:55 we're finally getting ready to leave. Ben's "all you can eat ribs" worked out to be one plate. We've been waiting 10 minutes now for the second plate. I mention the need for a new plate as Meth-Head brings me a Coke (which I ordered) instead of the Diet Coke that I most certainly did not order. His response to the second plate request? "They're cooking them now. You should have gone to McDonald's if you wanted your food fast."

1:10 half way back to work we realize we, in fact, DO have matches on us. Debate turning around to follow through on verbal threat to burn restaurant to the ground. Decided to just call it a day.

GOOD FRIDAY DOESN'T MEAN QUIET FRIDAY

"Okay, I can explain. We had a bunch of birthdays this weekend, right? Four to be exact, five if you count Kurt.

"Kurt the guy with his arm elevated?"

No, that's Tony. Kurt's in New York.

"So he's celebrating in abstentia?"

No, probably at home.

"Abstentia means-"

Sorry, bad joke. So we had a bunch of birthdays, and it's like, what should we do? Well, we're in Wisconsin, let's get drunk. But then Mike says, well yeah, but this is Wisconsin, we get drunk all the time. That and make cheese. So we'd have to get, you know, SUPER drunk to make it special. But then Sarah's all, isn't that sacrilege to get blind stinking drunk on Good Friday? So no one had any ideas, and then Peggy said, come on over, we've got a trampoline. It's right over there.

"That thing's a trampoline?"

Well, it was. Anyway, then they said we could have a bonfire. And of course booze, this is Wisconsin.

"This starts to explain some things. Who was on the trampoline when it flipped?"

Which time?

"Which time? How many times did this happen?"

Sarah?

"What?"

How many times did the trampoline flip tonight?

"Three times"

And the first two times it was like, no harm no foul, right? But then third time... Let's see, it was Peggy, Ken, Sarah, Tony, John, Kristen-

"They were all on the trampoline?"

Yeah, probably a bad idea huh?

"Probably. So who went into the fence?"

John. He got about two hops on the trampoline before it starts to tip, so EVERYONE jumps ship and KA-PING! He gets rocketed into the fence.

"That's when you called 911?"

That's when I called Tani. She's studying for this sort of thing.

"Medicine?"

Law. We had to know if John could sue Mike and Peggy for damages or something. Or maybe the neighbors since most of his leg was on their side of the fence.

"And what'd she say?"

I got her voicemail.

"Then you called 911."

After the shed.

"You mean bonfire number two?"

That was Kevin. See, Mike was juggling beer bottles and Kevin wanted to try it, but we'd kinda all been drinking, so, you know, we forgot.

"That you don't juggle glass?"

No, that Mike is a trained clown. It's like that joke, 'Clark Kent, you're a real dick when you've been drinking'? No? Okay, well it's like that. So Kevin and Mike are juggling, but when the trampoline flipped it spooked Kevin and one of his bottles went towards Mike. Mike thought that Kevin was trying to do a juggling pass, so he starts flipping his bottles back at Kevin. Crash, crash, crash all on the noggin. So Kevin, loopsy-lee loopsy-lie steps into the fire. Freaks out.

"I was on FIRE!"

He knows Kevin. So Kevin runs into the shed-

"I was trying to outrun the FIRE!"

Yeah, but you know, shed, oily rags, paper storage boxes. Whooosh!

"And the fellah with his arm in the air?"

Yeah, Tony. Well, when Kevin was running for his life-

"From the FIRE!"

He kinda slammed into Tony who was doing roundhouse kicks at Mary.

"Why?"

"Chuck Norris, man."

"Pardon me?"

Trust me, you don't have enough time. So Kevin shoves him and accidentally boots Mary in the chest. She gets mad and bites him. Which she does even when she's happy, but still. Ouch.

"A girl did that to you? I thought you were mauled by a bear, son."

"I like that story better. A bear. Rarrrrr!"

Thank you Sarah....So, officer, any chance we could just get a warning this time? It IS Good Friday after all.

GUN RUNNER PT. 2

WHEN THE POLICE HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO TURN...

THEY TURN TO THE LOOSEST OF LOOSE CANNONS...

THE CRACKEST OF CRACK SHOTS...

THEY TURN TO...

GUN RUNNER

Crack. Whether you knew it as rock, Betty Boulder, Crunch Berry Supreme or Plumber's Solid didn't make a difference. Crack, in all of its many guises was bad news for the people that used it, their families and the city they lived in. The only people it was good for were drug dealers and, sometimes, silverware manufacturers. You can only burn a spoon so many times before its unusable for ice cream.

But the spoon makers were a result of the problem, not the cause. That fell on the heads of the drug dealers. Something else was about to fall on the heads of the drug dealers, a '59 Chevette of Justice known to the criminal world as Gun Runner.

"Hurry up and fill those Pamper boxes with more crack," growled drug lieutenant Sheffield "Shemp" White. His eyes once again darted to the window. Word on the street was the toughest of tough cops, Gun Runner, was off his suspension and working to stop the drug trafficking. Nothing had been confirmed yet, but White was wary. Shaking like a leaf, White made sure the last box of loaded diapers was in its case before signaling the truck to pull out. A combination of nerves, adrenaline and crack had him as fidgety as an 8 year old on a 5 day sugar high. Except in White's case it wasn't sugar as much as it was illegal drugs. Only an idiot would get hooked on his own product, some would say, but White was not only an idiot, he was also a crack head.

"Hey Shemp!" yelled the look-out man.

"Wh-wh-what is it?" hollered White.

"Truck's stopped."

"Wh-wh-why?"

Stepping out of the truck the driver inspected the back wheels. Taking off his cap, the pudgy man looked more surprised than an Atheist in heaven. "The tires are flat."

"Take one more step, and your heart monitor will be flat too," said a gravely voice. Stepping out of the darkness Gunther Ruettiger. It wasn't his best intro line, he'd hoped the truck drive would say "The tire's busted." Then the lone wolf cop could have said "So are you." That would have been awesome.

"GUN RUNNER!" shouted the truck driver reaching for his gun.

"Drop it!" yelled Ruettiger, firing his gun at the same time. Unfortunately for the truck driver, bullets travel faster than words. And fatally wound a lot more.

A hail of bullets zipped past Ruettiger as the look-out man opened fire. Ducking behind the truck Ruettiger poked his head around at his target. The guy had to be 6'5". BLAM! 5'6". BLAM! 3'8".

The squeal of tires and the flash of headlights signaled that White was bailing the scene faster than a frat boy after a bootie call. Ruettiger cursed his lousy luck, he couldn't let White get away, at the same time he couldn't leave a semi truck full of crack and diapers sitting in the middle of the road.

Holstering his gun, Ruettiger suddenly remembered something.

He knew how to drive a double clutch.

WEDNESDAY'S WORD 4-12

*looks around* Hello?

Yeah, sorry about that again. I sat in work all day fiddling with a new Myspace account (www.myspace.com/starworz) instead of putting up a new Word. Don't get too excited, it's basically a way to get more people here. But just remember, I love all my loyal readers equally, so don't feel threatened when the masses start pouring in to the site.

So then, yesterday's word is "Smack", as in "to talk smack." Have you seen ads for this new MTV show? "Yo Mama"? Apparently it's people "snapping" each other with "yo mama" jokes. You know, "yo mama so dumb it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes" or "yo mama so fat when she steps outside it affects the tides." Remember those "Snaps" books that came out... a decade ago, that were full of those jokes? I think this is just going to be those books, in TV form. Which, as we know, makes everything better. Just look at Pride and Prejudice.

CREATURE FEATURE PT 2

We once again join "If It Moves, Shoot It" already in progress.

Colt- HOLD ON!

Woman- Ayeeeeee!

*Truck flies over the top of a hill and back down onto the pavement*

Colt- Did we lose it lady?

Woman- I don't know, let me look.

*Giant horned, hoofed and tentacled monstrosity races over the hill into view*

Woman- Ayeeeeee!

Colt- I'll take that as a no.

Woman- Quick, turn that way!

Colt- What way lady?

Woman- The way I'm pointing!

Colt- Why won't you just say-

Woman- LEFT!

*Jerking the wheel, the truck corners on two wheels, narrowly avoiding an on-coming car and rights itself just in time to drive up the ramp of a open bed moving truck*

Colt- And now we're airborne. This was a great idea lady.

Woman- Stop calling me lady. My name is Helen MacNamera.

*Truck lands and immediately crashes through a glass office window*

Colt- Pleased to meet you Helen. Name's Colt.

Helen- Where are we going?

Colt- Away from THAT thing. It's already killed Dr. Crankenheimer, so I have to find his assistant. H. MacNamera. He's the only one that knows how to stop it.

Helen- That's me!

Colt- Yeah, right. Tell me another one.

Helen- H. MacNamera, HELEN MacNamera. What did you think the H stood for?

Colt- ....Hugo?

Helen- Typical.

Colt- Well pardon me-

Helen- SCHOOL BUS!

Colt- I saw it! -But you don't exactly look like a scientist.

Helen- Just because I'm wearing shorts and a size too small white cotton tank top doesn't mean I'm not intelligent. I'm a paleoclimatologist.

Colt- Gesundheit.

*The truck hops the curb, swinging between gas pumps and back onto the road*

Colt- Well me, you and this Ford F-350 better get back to the lab.

*The monster crashes through the gas station causing it to explode in flames. The monster comes storming through the flames, howling a demonic cry*

Colt- And we better hurry.

Helen- Yeah. The town only has 3 gas stations.

GOD ALMIGHTY STUNS CREATION MOVEMENT

Creationists were dealt a severe blow to their belief system when it was discovered recently that God had created a shallow water fish with many characteristics of land walking creatures, 375 million years ago. The Tiktaalik roseae, its name taken from the language of another one of God's creations, the Inuits, posses the jaw, fins and scales of a fish, but a skull, neck and ribs similar to early land walking creatures. Creationists everywhere were stunned by the Lord's most recently discovered wonder.

"I'm still in shock," said local Creationist Steve Stevens, a home school teacher. "I know our God is an awesome God, and it is not for us to question His grand design, but this really hurts our whole theory. And we making such headway into secular society too."

Indeed, Creationism had been making great strides in society. Several states have recently made efforts to include Creationism in their science textbooks, placing it side by side with the long held, and just as equally long debated, theory of evolution. There are even museums currently under construction to showcase proof of God's Master Plan. But now God Himself has thrown an evolved monkey wrench into those plans. Noted Bible student and Creationist author Luthor Stack, explains.

"Where you want to start? I mean, it's a fish, which God made, but it's kinda sorta like a land animal, which God also made. You could almost say it's a gator, if you squint, but why would He make a gator that ain't actually a gator?" questioned Stack. Stevens agreed this was problematic.

"Don't even get me started on its age. 375 million years old? How does that happen? The entire planet's only 6,000 years old. At least, that's what we've been telling everybody. I tell you, it's that whole Jurassic Park thing all over again."

"The whole Jurassic Park thing" Stevens refers to is the 1993 blockbuster movie of the same name, directed by Steven Spielberg.

"That movie nearly ended the entire Creationist movement," writes author Byron Blackstone in his book "Creationism: He Just DID, Okay??" (Westinghouse). "How do you explain to your children that the world was created by The Alpha and Omega 6,000 years ago when the very posters for the movie carry the heretical tag line "An Adventure 65 Million Years In the Making"? It wasn't like you could keep your children from going to see it. Everyone was seeing it, three or four times in some cases. My own parents went to see it! My 70 year old father, who doesn't even own a microwave becaue he thinks it's 'the Devil in there cookin' food so fast', wouldn't stop raving about how great it was. Jesus Christ, His only Son our Lord, do you understand what sort of press that is for Evolutionists?"

"And you can't call Spielberg a hack," continued Blackstone. "Because then the media says you're anti-Semitic. And if there's one thing the Bible has taught me, it's you don't tangle with The Great I Am's chosen people. That, and that dinosaurs and man lived together in the Garden of Eden."

God Himself was able to be reached for comment through fervent prayer and fasting.

"Tiktaalik roseae? Yay, I do remember creating him. I was going to name him Croco-Walko, but then decided against it. Funny story, that name is what inspired Me to make the Choco Taco. True story. I swear to Me."

God added in closing, "Just wait till they find the man-ape I buried in Africa. It's going to blow some minds. So sayeth The Lord."

GUN RUNNER PT. 1

WHEN THE POLICE HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO TURN...

THEY TURN TO THE LOOSEST OF LOOSE CANNONS...

THE CRACKEST OF CRACK SHOTS...

THEY TURN TO...

GUN RUNNER

The city was hot. Hot like a woman. And damp. Hot and damp like a woman who'd just run through a sprinkler. And gritty. Hot and damp and gritty like a woman who'd just run through a sprinkler, then tripped and fallen into a sandbox. ...That's almost too gritty.

A crime wave had been sweeping the city, drugs were pouring into the town like lemonade into a glass. Except in this case the lemonade was grade A crack and the glass was human veins. Yeah, not so appealing now, is it?

The police chief hung up the phone and wiped his brow with a handkerchief. The mayor had been reading him the riot act for the last hour, he wanted results and he wanted them now. Of course, he didn't want to give the chief any additional resources to get the job done, typical politician. It was days like this the chief regretted that he'd stopped drinking. Sighing, the chief picked up his phone and dialed a number, there was only one man who could help him now.

"Gunther Ruettiger," said the voice on the other side.

"Gun, it's the chief."

*click*

Dial

"Gunther Ruettiger."

"It's the chief and your boss. Listen here Gun-"

*click*

Dial

"Gunther Ruettiger."

"Stop hanging-"

"I've gotta get caller ID."

*click*

Ring! Ring!

"Chief of Police."

"It's Ruettiger. I thought I'd call you for a change. See how you like it."

"Reuttiger, there's no time for your games. You know about the drug problem this city is having?"

"I do. It's like Girl Scout Cookie season, except the delicious Thin Mints are delicious crack."

"The mayor's all over me like a fat guy on a Chinese buffet. He wants this resolved yesterday and you're the only cannon on the force loose enough to handle the job."

"Right, well, I'll need a time machine..."

"Just get on the case wise guy. And Ruettiger, try not to shoot anything."

"I wouldn't have to Chief... if they weren't all so guilty."

*click*

Rising from his desk, the chief looked out his office window down onto the city. The man the criminals called Gun Runner better solve this case quick, the mayor wasn't going to be happy if he found out Gun was on the case and not still suspended. Turning back to his desk the chief pulled out a dog eared magazine. Good thing he hadn't given up pornography yet.

WEDNESDAY'S WORD 4-5-06

Today's word is "canoe." As in, "I'd like to canoe the Boundry Waters again some day."

I'm an Eagle Scout, and back when I was in Boy Scouts we would take these "High Adventure" trips. No, we wouldn't go off to fight the Spanish Armada off the Cape of Good Hope, but we'd pack up our things and go out into the woods for a week or so. Most of the time we went hiking. I hiked the Ice Age Trail across the middle of the state, which is where the glaciers during the Ice Age finally stopped advancing, and I hiked along the shore of Lake Superior, which was quite the thing because, believe me, hiking in sand is a PAIN. The third and final trip I took was canoeing in the Boundry Waters. The Boundry Waters are a giant mish-mash of lakes between the U.S. and Canada. They keep tight regulations on how many people can be in a group and even tighter restrictions on what you can bring in and what you must take out, so the area is pristine. Entire lakes where it's just you and your group. We were out there for 9 days and I think we saw maybe 3 other parties the entire time. It was amazing and I'd love to go back someday.

I like the outdoors. I don't want to move out into the boonies and share a cottage with a swarm of insects and a gaggle of spiders, but I enjoy camping and hiking and the like. There's a rumor already amongst people that I know that next summer we might head up to the Boundry Waters. I'm going to have to see what I can do to help make that happen.

TAKE A LETTER, WICHITA STATE

As promised last week, here are some examples of letters you can write to express your displeasure with how the NCAA men's tournament teams treated you. Remember, it is always better to write out your feelings than to act rashly on them, and it is better still to use letters cut out from a magazine to express yourself, rather than handwriting that the police can trace.

On to the Examples!
Dear Pacific,
You had them right in your grasp. Boston College was on the brink of elimination and what do you do? You not only allow them to jump back into the game, you allow them to force overtime play. But that wasn't enough for you, was it, because as an encore you folded up like a pup tent and let Boston College advance to the next round. Shhhh... you hear that? That faint whirring noise? That's the sound of Martin Luther spinning in his grave because you took a dive for a bunch of dirty Papists. Oh how the Pope must have chortled with glee when he read the box scores the next morning. And don't give me any excuses about being a 13th seed against a 4, you're Pacific! You have an entire ocean named for you! Which, by the way, you also let down. You don't see Atlantic losing to Innocent III University, do you? No, you don't.
Shame, shame and Catholic Lenten Guilt on you Pacific,
God Bless
(your name here)

To Whom It May Concern at Iowa,
Well? I'm waiting. I'm waiting with bated breath to learn why number 3 Iowa heads home early against number 14 Northwestern State. Wait, I already know why. Because no one in an Iowa jersey was guarding that last three pointer! Quick math lesson Hawkeyes, 2 point lead - 3 point shot = Iowa goes home = Matt's Final Four is ruined = Matt doesn't win his office pool = Matt's kids don't get braces this year. Does that make you feel cool, Iowa? Star Worz's very own Matt Worzala has kids with bad teeth and it's all because of you. You were a three seed! You don't see number 4 Boston College losing to number 13 Pacific, do you?
Warmest Regards,
(your name here)
p.s. I would have sent this letter to Northwestern State, but I'm still not sure where they're located.

Salutations Illinois!
Well, well, well, Illinois. Our sister to the south. You know, I've never really liked you. Maybe it's the way your people drive or your constant toll roads. Maybe it's your corked bat swinging baseball team or the wasteland that exists south of Chicago. But for all your faults, I never dreamed that The Fighting Illini were... pro-terrorism. I can think of no other reason why you wouldn't have let Air Force win in the first round. The U.S. Air Force exists for no other reason than to protect the liberty and freedom we all hold dear as Americans. Maybe this just slipped your attention. I can understand how busy you must be, waist deep in communications with Al-Qaeda. It was your American duty to step aside and let Air Force pass, a small token of appreciation for all the work they do, but you couldn't even do that could you? Your extremist blood runs as cold as your women. Fine, be that way, but know this- Chicago is a very big city, and the Air Force has some very smart bombs.
Yours Truly,
(your name here)

George Mason-
Stop beating all my teams. Seriously. Knock it off.
So's your mother,
(your name here)