GOOD FRIDAY DOESN'T MEAN QUIET FRIDAY
"Okay, I can explain. We had a bunch of birthdays this weekend, right? Four to be exact, five if you count Kurt.
"Kurt the guy with his arm elevated?"
No, that's Tony. Kurt's in New York.
"So he's celebrating in abstentia?"
No, probably at home.
"Abstentia means-"
Sorry, bad joke. So we had a bunch of birthdays, and it's like, what should we do? Well, we're in Wisconsin, let's get drunk. But then Mike says, well yeah, but this is Wisconsin, we get drunk all the time. That and make cheese. So we'd have to get, you know, SUPER drunk to make it special. But then Sarah's all, isn't that sacrilege to get blind stinking drunk on Good Friday? So no one had any ideas, and then Peggy said, come on over, we've got a trampoline. It's right over there.
"That thing's a trampoline?"
Well, it was. Anyway, then they said we could have a bonfire. And of course booze, this is Wisconsin.
"This starts to explain some things. Who was on the trampoline when it flipped?"
Which time?
"Which time? How many times did this happen?"
Sarah?
"What?"
How many times did the trampoline flip tonight?
"Three times"
And the first two times it was like, no harm no foul, right? But then third time... Let's see, it was Peggy, Ken, Sarah, Tony, John, Kristen-
"They were all on the trampoline?"
Yeah, probably a bad idea huh?
"Probably. So who went into the fence?"
John. He got about two hops on the trampoline before it starts to tip, so EVERYONE jumps ship and KA-PING! He gets rocketed into the fence.
"That's when you called 911?"
That's when I called Tani. She's studying for this sort of thing.
"Medicine?"
Law. We had to know if John could sue Mike and Peggy for damages or something. Or maybe the neighbors since most of his leg was on their side of the fence.
"And what'd she say?"
I got her voicemail.
"Then you called 911."
After the shed.
"You mean bonfire number two?"
That was Kevin. See, Mike was juggling beer bottles and Kevin wanted to try it, but we'd kinda all been drinking, so, you know, we forgot.
"That you don't juggle glass?"
No, that Mike is a trained clown. It's like that joke, 'Clark Kent, you're a real dick when you've been drinking'? No? Okay, well it's like that. So Kevin and Mike are juggling, but when the trampoline flipped it spooked Kevin and one of his bottles went towards Mike. Mike thought that Kevin was trying to do a juggling pass, so he starts flipping his bottles back at Kevin. Crash, crash, crash all on the noggin. So Kevin, loopsy-lee loopsy-lie steps into the fire. Freaks out.
"I was on FIRE!"
He knows Kevin. So Kevin runs into the shed-
"I was trying to outrun the FIRE!"
Yeah, but you know, shed, oily rags, paper storage boxes. Whooosh!
"And the fellah with his arm in the air?"
Yeah, Tony. Well, when Kevin was running for his life-
"From the FIRE!"
He kinda slammed into Tony who was doing roundhouse kicks at Mary.
"Why?"
"Chuck Norris, man."
"Pardon me?"
Trust me, you don't have enough time. So Kevin shoves him and accidentally boots Mary in the chest. She gets mad and bites him. Which she does even when she's happy, but still. Ouch.
"A girl did that to you? I thought you were mauled by a bear, son."
"I like that story better. A bear. Rarrrrr!"
Thank you Sarah....So, officer, any chance we could just get a warning this time? It IS Good Friday after all.
"Kurt the guy with his arm elevated?"
No, that's Tony. Kurt's in New York.
"So he's celebrating in abstentia?"
No, probably at home.
"Abstentia means-"
Sorry, bad joke. So we had a bunch of birthdays, and it's like, what should we do? Well, we're in Wisconsin, let's get drunk. But then Mike says, well yeah, but this is Wisconsin, we get drunk all the time. That and make cheese. So we'd have to get, you know, SUPER drunk to make it special. But then Sarah's all, isn't that sacrilege to get blind stinking drunk on Good Friday? So no one had any ideas, and then Peggy said, come on over, we've got a trampoline. It's right over there.
"That thing's a trampoline?"
Well, it was. Anyway, then they said we could have a bonfire. And of course booze, this is Wisconsin.
"This starts to explain some things. Who was on the trampoline when it flipped?"
Which time?
"Which time? How many times did this happen?"
Sarah?
"What?"
How many times did the trampoline flip tonight?
"Three times"
And the first two times it was like, no harm no foul, right? But then third time... Let's see, it was Peggy, Ken, Sarah, Tony, John, Kristen-
"They were all on the trampoline?"
Yeah, probably a bad idea huh?
"Probably. So who went into the fence?"
John. He got about two hops on the trampoline before it starts to tip, so EVERYONE jumps ship and KA-PING! He gets rocketed into the fence.
"That's when you called 911?"
That's when I called Tani. She's studying for this sort of thing.
"Medicine?"
Law. We had to know if John could sue Mike and Peggy for damages or something. Or maybe the neighbors since most of his leg was on their side of the fence.
"And what'd she say?"
I got her voicemail.
"Then you called 911."
After the shed.
"You mean bonfire number two?"
That was Kevin. See, Mike was juggling beer bottles and Kevin wanted to try it, but we'd kinda all been drinking, so, you know, we forgot.
"That you don't juggle glass?"
No, that Mike is a trained clown. It's like that joke, 'Clark Kent, you're a real dick when you've been drinking'? No? Okay, well it's like that. So Kevin and Mike are juggling, but when the trampoline flipped it spooked Kevin and one of his bottles went towards Mike. Mike thought that Kevin was trying to do a juggling pass, so he starts flipping his bottles back at Kevin. Crash, crash, crash all on the noggin. So Kevin, loopsy-lee loopsy-lie steps into the fire. Freaks out.
"I was on FIRE!"
He knows Kevin. So Kevin runs into the shed-
"I was trying to outrun the FIRE!"
Yeah, but you know, shed, oily rags, paper storage boxes. Whooosh!
"And the fellah with his arm in the air?"
Yeah, Tony. Well, when Kevin was running for his life-
"From the FIRE!"
He kinda slammed into Tony who was doing roundhouse kicks at Mary.
"Why?"
"Chuck Norris, man."
"Pardon me?"
Trust me, you don't have enough time. So Kevin shoves him and accidentally boots Mary in the chest. She gets mad and bites him. Which she does even when she's happy, but still. Ouch.
"A girl did that to you? I thought you were mauled by a bear, son."
"I like that story better. A bear. Rarrrrr!"
Thank you Sarah....So, officer, any chance we could just get a warning this time? It IS Good Friday after all.
posted by Matt Worzala at
10:23 PM
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