TAKE A LETTER, WICHITA STATE
As promised last week, here are some examples of letters you can write to express your displeasure with how the NCAA men's tournament teams treated you. Remember, it is always better to write out your feelings than to act rashly on them, and it is better still to use letters cut out from a magazine to express yourself, rather than handwriting that the police can trace.
On to the Examples!
Dear Pacific,
You had them right in your grasp. Boston College was on the brink of elimination and what do you do? You not only allow them to jump back into the game, you allow them to force overtime play. But that wasn't enough for you, was it, because as an encore you folded up like a pup tent and let Boston College advance to the next round. Shhhh... you hear that? That faint whirring noise? That's the sound of Martin Luther spinning in his grave because you took a dive for a bunch of dirty Papists. Oh how the Pope must have chortled with glee when he read the box scores the next morning. And don't give me any excuses about being a 13th seed against a 4, you're Pacific! You have an entire ocean named for you! Which, by the way, you also let down. You don't see Atlantic losing to Innocent III University, do you? No, you don't.
Shame, shame and Catholic Lenten Guilt on you Pacific,
God Bless
(your name here)
To Whom It May Concern at Iowa,
Well? I'm waiting. I'm waiting with bated breath to learn why number 3 Iowa heads home early against number 14 Northwestern State. Wait, I already know why. Because no one in an Iowa jersey was guarding that last three pointer! Quick math lesson Hawkeyes, 2 point lead - 3 point shot = Iowa goes home = Matt's Final Four is ruined = Matt doesn't win his office pool = Matt's kids don't get braces this year. Does that make you feel cool, Iowa? Star Worz's very own Matt Worzala has kids with bad teeth and it's all because of you. You were a three seed! You don't see number 4 Boston College losing to number 13 Pacific, do you?
Warmest Regards,
(your name here)
p.s. I would have sent this letter to Northwestern State, but I'm still not sure where they're located.
Salutations Illinois!
Well, well, well, Illinois. Our sister to the south. You know, I've never really liked you. Maybe it's the way your people drive or your constant toll roads. Maybe it's your corked bat swinging baseball team or the wasteland that exists south of Chicago. But for all your faults, I never dreamed that The Fighting Illini were... pro-terrorism. I can think of no other reason why you wouldn't have let Air Force win in the first round. The U.S. Air Force exists for no other reason than to protect the liberty and freedom we all hold dear as Americans. Maybe this just slipped your attention. I can understand how busy you must be, waist deep in communications with Al-Qaeda. It was your American duty to step aside and let Air Force pass, a small token of appreciation for all the work they do, but you couldn't even do that could you? Your extremist blood runs as cold as your women. Fine, be that way, but know this- Chicago is a very big city, and the Air Force has some very smart bombs.
Yours Truly,
(your name here)
George Mason-
Stop beating all my teams. Seriously. Knock it off.
So's your mother,
(your name here)
On to the Examples!
Dear Pacific,
You had them right in your grasp. Boston College was on the brink of elimination and what do you do? You not only allow them to jump back into the game, you allow them to force overtime play. But that wasn't enough for you, was it, because as an encore you folded up like a pup tent and let Boston College advance to the next round. Shhhh... you hear that? That faint whirring noise? That's the sound of Martin Luther spinning in his grave because you took a dive for a bunch of dirty Papists. Oh how the Pope must have chortled with glee when he read the box scores the next morning. And don't give me any excuses about being a 13th seed against a 4, you're Pacific! You have an entire ocean named for you! Which, by the way, you also let down. You don't see Atlantic losing to Innocent III University, do you? No, you don't.
Shame, shame and Catholic Lenten Guilt on you Pacific,
God Bless
(your name here)
To Whom It May Concern at Iowa,
Well? I'm waiting. I'm waiting with bated breath to learn why number 3 Iowa heads home early against number 14 Northwestern State. Wait, I already know why. Because no one in an Iowa jersey was guarding that last three pointer! Quick math lesson Hawkeyes, 2 point lead - 3 point shot = Iowa goes home = Matt's Final Four is ruined = Matt doesn't win his office pool = Matt's kids don't get braces this year. Does that make you feel cool, Iowa? Star Worz's very own Matt Worzala has kids with bad teeth and it's all because of you. You were a three seed! You don't see number 4 Boston College losing to number 13 Pacific, do you?
Warmest Regards,
(your name here)
p.s. I would have sent this letter to Northwestern State, but I'm still not sure where they're located.
Salutations Illinois!
Well, well, well, Illinois. Our sister to the south. You know, I've never really liked you. Maybe it's the way your people drive or your constant toll roads. Maybe it's your corked bat swinging baseball team or the wasteland that exists south of Chicago. But for all your faults, I never dreamed that The Fighting Illini were... pro-terrorism. I can think of no other reason why you wouldn't have let Air Force win in the first round. The U.S. Air Force exists for no other reason than to protect the liberty and freedom we all hold dear as Americans. Maybe this just slipped your attention. I can understand how busy you must be, waist deep in communications with Al-Qaeda. It was your American duty to step aside and let Air Force pass, a small token of appreciation for all the work they do, but you couldn't even do that could you? Your extremist blood runs as cold as your women. Fine, be that way, but know this- Chicago is a very big city, and the Air Force has some very smart bombs.
Yours Truly,
(your name here)
George Mason-
Stop beating all my teams. Seriously. Knock it off.
So's your mother,
(your name here)
posted by Matt Worzala at
11:07 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home