A TWIST OF FATE
In Gold Hill, Oregon, David Thumler, 16, is currently finishing a four-day sentence at a juvenile detention center, after having already paid a $67 fine and serving three days community service. Why? Because David Thumler wouldn't write a letter apologizing for twisting another boy's nipple in July of 2005.
I'll give you a moment to re-read that last line. Thumler was fined non-Monopoly money, and had to do actual time in an actual juvenile detention center for giving a friend what the media has referred to as a "purple nurple". A "tittie twister". An "areole assault". A "Penderson Pincher Maneuver" (Northeast only). Ridiculous names for a ridiculous act. But apparently someone in Oregon doesn't find it ridiculous enough because Thumler has been convicted of; get this, offensive physical touching. A "purple nurple" is not offensive physical touching; offensive physical touching is carving a middle finger into an oar and then whomping someone on the head with said oar. A "purple nurple" is something fifth graders and frat brothers give each other. Talk about abusing the legal system, this is how that incident should have gone:
Thumler- Purple nurple!
Friend- Ow! My nipple!
Bystander- Hey! Are you a fifth grader?
Thumler- No.
Bystander- How about a frat brother?
Thumler- No.
Bystander- Then grow up and stop giving people purple nurples.
Thumler- *shame*
Bystander- And you, don't be such a baby. *grab* *twist*
Friend- Ow! My other nipple!
There, problem solved and everyone learns a valuable life lesson. Seriously, a twist of the nipple is now a fineable crime? You pay good money for that sort of thing in Vegas! ... uh, I mean... this guy I know did. Um, once.
Don't think I'm not sympathetic, because I am. Hard as it may be to believe, I was picked on when I was a kid. I had a brother, I wore glasses, I grew too fast for my clothes, but I sucked it up. I was on the receiving end of wedgies, atomic wedges, noogies, mega noogies, wet willies, dead legs, and yes, even the ghastly purple nurple. But you know what? You rise above it and you push on through. Just look at where I am today. I have my own blog! On the Internet! Look Ma, I've Made It!
Plus, to be honest, I gave just as good as I got. I had a brother, I was clever, and I was a lot taller than most of the kids at my school. My favorite was one my friend Jeremy and I used to pull. We'd walk down the hall side by side and then take turns hip-checking the other one into an on-coming freshman, slamming them into the pressboard wall outside of our school. If a simple twist of the nipple is offensive physical touching, then I would still be breaking rocks in juvie today. Or making license plates. Whatever it is they do, I'd still be doing it in "Little J", as the kids call it, instead of being out here, in the free world, a free man, with his free blog. [Which you can help support by clicking on the ads above- Ed]
Thumler didn't mean his friend any harm, he was just bored in line and did what high school boys do. Bust each other's balls. And not even literally. So the next time you or someone you know is on the receiving end of a "purple nurple", or a dead leg or a “Missouri Compromise” remember the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, "that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger."
"And give yourself two for flinching."
I'll give you a moment to re-read that last line. Thumler was fined non-Monopoly money, and had to do actual time in an actual juvenile detention center for giving a friend what the media has referred to as a "purple nurple". A "tittie twister". An "areole assault". A "Penderson Pincher Maneuver" (Northeast only). Ridiculous names for a ridiculous act. But apparently someone in Oregon doesn't find it ridiculous enough because Thumler has been convicted of; get this, offensive physical touching. A "purple nurple" is not offensive physical touching; offensive physical touching is carving a middle finger into an oar and then whomping someone on the head with said oar. A "purple nurple" is something fifth graders and frat brothers give each other. Talk about abusing the legal system, this is how that incident should have gone:
Thumler- Purple nurple!
Friend- Ow! My nipple!
Bystander- Hey! Are you a fifth grader?
Thumler- No.
Bystander- How about a frat brother?
Thumler- No.
Bystander- Then grow up and stop giving people purple nurples.
Thumler- *shame*
Bystander- And you, don't be such a baby. *grab* *twist*
Friend- Ow! My other nipple!
There, problem solved and everyone learns a valuable life lesson. Seriously, a twist of the nipple is now a fineable crime? You pay good money for that sort of thing in Vegas! ... uh, I mean... this guy I know did. Um, once.
Don't think I'm not sympathetic, because I am. Hard as it may be to believe, I was picked on when I was a kid. I had a brother, I wore glasses, I grew too fast for my clothes, but I sucked it up. I was on the receiving end of wedgies, atomic wedges, noogies, mega noogies, wet willies, dead legs, and yes, even the ghastly purple nurple. But you know what? You rise above it and you push on through. Just look at where I am today. I have my own blog! On the Internet! Look Ma, I've Made It!
Plus, to be honest, I gave just as good as I got. I had a brother, I was clever, and I was a lot taller than most of the kids at my school. My favorite was one my friend Jeremy and I used to pull. We'd walk down the hall side by side and then take turns hip-checking the other one into an on-coming freshman, slamming them into the pressboard wall outside of our school. If a simple twist of the nipple is offensive physical touching, then I would still be breaking rocks in juvie today. Or making license plates. Whatever it is they do, I'd still be doing it in "Little J", as the kids call it, instead of being out here, in the free world, a free man, with his free blog. [Which you can help support by clicking on the ads above- Ed]
Thumler didn't mean his friend any harm, he was just bored in line and did what high school boys do. Bust each other's balls. And not even literally. So the next time you or someone you know is on the receiving end of a "purple nurple", or a dead leg or a “Missouri Compromise” remember the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, "that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger."
"And give yourself two for flinching."
posted by Matt Worzala at
1:46 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home