"DISAPPOINTING" ZOMBIE UPRISING AT AN END

-Washington, D.C.

Despite rumors that it was a herald of the end-times, the recent zombie uprising has proven to be "disapointing" according to experts.

"We've all seen the movies," said Senator Arlen Specter. "Zombies rise up and start terrorizing people, pretty soon humanity is on the brink of extinction before a rag-tag band of heroes unites to save the day. But in reality? Very disappointing."

"Hollywood has once again shown the American people how out of touch with reality they really are," said Senator Joe Lieberman in a written statement. "People have been conditioned to fear the return of the dead in what was expected to be a gore filled, hysteria inducing, mass slaughter. But where was the super speed? The savagery? Where was the horrific realization of their advanced problem solving skills? These were just corpses shambling around."

"Also," added Lieberman. "I was disappointed in the lack of nudity. I didn't see one news report about college co-eds being caught mid-coitus or anything."

Around the world the dead began rising from their graves shortly after 7:00 a.m. EST last Sunday. A day of full blown panic followed the announcement, but the panic quickly subsided as people realized real zombies are much less impressive than Hollywood zombies. Media analyst Sid Eserkaln explains.

"The first 24 hours was really something intense. I remember the Post's headline was "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" in big red letters, and the New York Times had this picture of this crowd of zombies and "The End?" as the header. The Pope lead 4 million, million mind you, people in simultaneous prayer for the safety of mankind. But, by Monday afternoon the excitement had really faded. Most of the dead were in pretty bad condition and had lost all locomotive skills by that time."

Indeed, even with advancements in the preservation of our dead, most of the corpses buried more than ten years ago had suffered extensive muscle atrophy, leaving them helpless and immobile. Those under ten years were quickly re-exterminated by National Guard Units, tacticle missle strikes and "hicks with guns". The last few pockets, located in remote areas of Asia and Appalachia, are reported to have been destroyed last night.

Total casualties resulting from the uprising have yet to be calculated, but even the least conservative estimates number in the low thousands.

"Maybe 3,000 killed by zombies in a planet of 6.5 billion people? That's a disappointment, no matter how you look at it," stated Specter, breathing a heavy sigh.

"I'm just so let down."