LATERAL THINKING

Trinity College vs Millsaps in Division III football.

Trinity is down 22 to 24 with 2 seconds left in the game. Back on their own 39 yard line they have no chance of kicking a field goal. So for the last play of the game they throw for 11 yards up the middle of the field.

And then they start to lateral.

And lateral.

AND LATERAL.



Do yourself a favor and don't listen to the announce team. As Mike put it, "they may play Division III ball, but he's a Division VIII announcer."

I started applauding at work, that's how much joy this video brought me.

SURVIVOR

For the next two weeks I'm not going to be able to watch Survivor "live" on Thursday night. So, instead, I'll be watching them during the day (don't tell my bosses) and blogging about it as we go. How's that sound? Great? Great.

This week on... Survivor
(Spoiling Like Raw Meat in Your Passenger Seat!)

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is NOW made up of:
Aaron(gone)
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave(gone)
Erik
James
Jamie
Peih-Gee

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is NOW made up of:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Frosti
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Sherea
Todd


Two minutes in, The Step-sisters sleep the sleep of the wicked, while James works around camp. Boy, he sure is a good worker. Probably an asset to have around camp. Maybe we should get rid of him.

4 and a half in The Todd tells Amanda the immunity idol is hidden at camp. He can't find it, so he recruits her. Which is good. Because, well, she's hot and I'd like to see her stick around.

(Editor note: This computer's processor sucks balls, just typing is holding the screen up.)

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Time to win yourself some Godliness! Wait, I mean Cleanliness, which is close.
Race through the village, find the puzzle pieces, put together the puzzle.
Courtney sits out, SURPRISE!
Peih-Gee and Sherea try to talk strategy while in the house, well, Peigh-Gee does a lot of talking. "We're still with you guys. We're still all together, okay?" Sherea doesn't say anything, which I think has Peih-Gee worried. She reminds me of the unpopular kid who hasn't quite realized they're unpopular yet. "Hey, hey guys, we're all still going to Perkins after the football game, right? Right? Okay, I'll just see you guys there, then. Okay? Guys? Okay, cool, I'll just... see you there... then. ...guys?"
At least Team Yellow is trying this time around. Probably cause no one's going home if they don't.
Team Denise spells out the Confucian wisdom first, "Man Who Live In Glass House Have Bathroom In Basement." They kidnap James back much to Jean-Robert's and Denise's delight.
12 minutes in, Courtney holds up the tea tray, looking the happiest she's looked since she came on the show. Must have brought back memories of serving drinks in New York. How her arm doesn't snap is beyond me.

13 minutes- Miami Vice: China!

Team Denise is welcomed to "The Charmin Tea House", you can hear Mao Zedong spinning in his tomb from here.

(Editor Note: The computer is still lagging something fierce, so the Tea Girls sound like Satan.)

14 Minutes- Everyone's having a good time, laughing, enjoying the food, a bath, tea, etc. So who has to open their yap and ruin everything with sexual innuendo? If you said Jean-Robert, congratulations, you've been paying attention! Operation: Old Guy At College Party is in full swing once again. Courtney comments on how gross he is, and then is carried off by a sparrow.

15:30- James, the Mack Daddy Crocodile Dundee decides to use the shower. Which involves him stripping BUTT NEKKID, much to everyone's delight. I think even Jean-Robert was digging it.

16 minutes- Team Yellow is starting to worry that being on a winning tribe is going to go to Sherea and Frosti's heads. Again, it's like the kid that doesn't realize his friend's starting on the football team now and doesn't want to go back to playing D&D in your mom's basement on Friday nights. Even though you REALLY need a 9th level Cleric for their healing spells!! Not to say throwing the last immunity challenge was going to come back to haunt you. BUT I TOLD YOU SO!!!

The Todd slides up to James and tells him to hook him up with the clue and The Todd will help save him. James realizes though, and he's the first to mention it, that The Todd has alliances with EVERYONE on the tribe. So even if he helps him, it doesn't make him any safer.

Todd with all the clues, now puts together that the idol is with the arch. Amanda and he start going at the arch with all the subtlety of a neon yellow ninja in clogs. Frosti then shows up to find out what's going on and starts parkouring all over the ledge. Todd pulls the idol off only to have Frosti see it. Frosti's face lights up like a kid who found the presents in his parent's closet before Christmas, while Todd and Amanda try to shush him because they've known about the presents in the closet for the last month and don't want the parents re-hiding them.

Todd then pulls some Sun-Tzu maneuvers, giving James the idol and telling him to throw the challenge. If he loses, Team Yellow will vote him out, but he can play the idol, vote out Jamie, sever the tie with Erik, keep Team Denise's numbers intact and eventually control all of China. James is so happy with his plan he almost beats Todd into a coma.

Ahhhhh irony. Last week Team Yellow wanted to lose and James wanted to win. This week they want to win and James wants to lose. Let's see how it goes at-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Eating Challenge! Yeah!! Wait... Courtney doesn't eat. ... crap.
Frosti vs Peih-Gee: 10 Chicken Hearts! Just another victim for the 99 Cent Menu
Courtney vs Jamie: Eel! Jamie's had a long slimy thing in her mouth before I'm sure and takes Courtney to town. Courtney then sends it all back up.
Amanada vs Erik: Baby Turtles! Gamora is going to be pissed. You gotta eat the shell?? Erik takes it by a swallow.
Uh-oh... That's Team Yellow 2 Team Denise 1
Denise vs James: Chicken Fetuses? With Feathers? Denise is screaming at it. "GET IN MY MOUTH!!" James is doing his best to throw the challenge, but Denise can't keep it down. She has to give up. James, gentleman that he is, swallows the entire plate in one gulp.
Frosti vs Erik: Thousand Year Old Egg. I think these challenges are the most fun Probst has all show. Erik wins by a swallow again!
Son of a! The one time they need to win and Team Denise can't get it done??? I never thought seeing James win would be a bad thing.

Amanda, Todd and Denise, decide to get rid of Sherea. Courtney thinks Jean-Robert is a better choice. Courtney and Sherea cat about Jean-Robert but it's a done deal. ...isn't it? Courtney pitches the idea to Amanda, Frosti and Todd who all look at her like she's speaking Mandarin. Jean-Robert knows his head is on the chopping block. Maybe because Todd is now thinking it would be a good idea to get rid of him. Amanda's gut says Sherea, Todd's gut says Jean-Robert, Todd's faux hawk says Metrosexual. Let's see what Probst says at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jean-Robert makes his case about helping out at camp and Sherea immediately gets on his case about it. Courtney then jumps in and teases Jean-Robert about being a "bad boy". Operation: I Might Start Crying If You Keep Laughing At Me seems to be in swing. Courtney says she feels like an outsider... which pisses Todd off cause he's been nothing but good to her. Wow Courtney, I don't think you've thought your cunning plan through.

Great is Todd's anger and swift is his vengeance. Jean-Robert gets the first two votes, but then Sherea blows past him to get the boot, proving once again, if you want someone to help you, the worst thing you can do is accuse them of never helping you. Sorry Sherea, but-


BONADUCE SMASH!

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Erik and Jamie have an immunity idol!? Todd has too many plates in the air!? Jean-Robert has a meat cleaver!? And we have a merge!?

BRING THE T-NOISE, BRING THE T-PAIN

On the drive home for lunch today I got to listen to Rush Limbaugh talk about a new tax increase that the "Spend-o-crats" want to enact. It's a major screw job of 4% (out of 100! Can you believe it??) that will kick in around the same time the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts end. And the "Spend-o-crats" are after you, Joe 6-Pack, because this tax hike is going to affect people that make $15,000 individually and $20,000 as a couple.

Nah, I'm just kidding, multiply that income by 10.

So, if you're making $150,000 a year as a single filer, you would have to pay an extra 4% tax on your gross income. So an extra $6,000. Rush's point was you should be outraged by this fact, even if you don't make $150,000 a year because "don't you aspire to make that much?" Well yeah, I do, but I've also aspired to build a battle van that could convert into a submarine. I had schematics and everything. If I was making $150,000 a year, I think I could take home $100,000 a year and squeak by.

He also wanted me to be enraged that they were looking to tax cigarette's an extra $1 or so to pay for the S-Chip program (before it was vetoed). This new hypothetical payment combined with the increased smoking restrictions would lead, Limbaugh believes, to fewer smokers, which would mean that eventually the tax would be levied on other products as well. Now, I know Limbaugh knows a thing or two about addiction, but maybe he's not a smoker. Maybe he doesn't know any smokers. Maybe he's never looked at a pack of cigarettes. So he can excused his ignorance on the matter.

Cigarette packs warn you can die if you keep smoking them. They warn you that your babies will be tiny and that your lungs will shrink to the capacity of a sandwich baggie. Cigarettes turn your fingers yellow, your teeth yellow and make your clothing stink. And yet people still smoke! Why? Cause they're addicted to it. So an extra buck a pack isn't going to cause a significant shrink in the number of smokers.

I've come to the conclusion in life, and maybe this is just very liberal-schmibral of me, that if Rush Limbaugh is against something, I'm probably going to be for it. Now, I'm not saying I'm pro-tax hike, but last I checked we have troops to support. And that ain't getting any cheaper.

So you don't go away sad (or without clicking the ad) here's David Sides playing T-Pain's "Buy U A Drank (Shorty Snappin')" on the piano.

Like Chris says, "I ****in' love T-Pain."

POUR SOME TB ON ME

At least 40 people in St. Maarten are being treated for tuberculosis that they may have gotten from a stripper who has the active form of the disease.

Wow.

"Yeah, so uhhh, honey, I should probably go to the doctor."

"Why?"

"Oh, you know. Miiiiight have *cough*tuberculosis*cough*."

"How could that have possibly happened?"

"...probably all the work I've been doing down in the mines."

"You work at a binding company."

"In the mine department."

"In the binding department."

"Either way. That's probably where I got it."

"Hmmm... you know, Tom and Jeff's wives both mentioned that they had come down with Tuberculosis recently."

"You don't *ahem* you don't say?"

"And I was just thinking how you all-"

"Work in the mine together."

"Went to that conference in St. Maarten a few months ago."

"I don't recall that."

"You're wearing the St. Maarten t-shirt you bought on your trip."

"Is that where I got this from?"

"Mmmm hmmmm."

"Thought I got it *cough* ... from the mine. Where I work."

SURVIVOR

(Check out my mag wheels and my SPOILERS)




This week on... Survivor

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave(gone)
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Todd

We open with a metaphor, the sleeping panda. The sleeping panda stands for Team Yellow, who have spent their first Dave-free day sleeping in. Also like the panda, Team Yellow is comprised of blacks, whites and Asians. Later, in the water, Erik and Jamie make puppy-eyes at each other. Erik describes it as being like "Adam and Eve. Just, being in nature, hanging out." Must be a different Bible than I own, cause when I think of "being like Adam and Eve", there's only one thing "hanging out". Erik then tells Jamie he's from Virginia and she's totally cool with that. No, wait, he tells her he's a virgin (good for you Erik!), and she nearly breaks her face trying not to grimace.

At Team Denise's camp, we find out that James has a little bit of a crush on Denise. That is both a little scary and totally awesome. First Denise gushes about James' work ethic and how well they click and then James says "If she were a little younger or I was a little older, she'd be in trouble." James, the Mack Daddy Crocodile Dundee of Grave Diggers!

No Reward Challenge this weekend, instead a boat pulls up to Team Denise's camp with a note. The note says "Pick two players from Team Yellow and they will become part of your tribe." Team Denise realizes that this means they are going to lose two of their best players in a switch and everyone starts fretting about losing James, especially Jean-Robert, as he has no other friends on Team Denise. Team Denise decides to snag Frosti and Sherea because they are the quickest and best competitors from Team Yellow.

Over at Team Yellow, they get a similar note. While Team Denise realizes that this note means that they're losing two members, Team Yellow is psyched, absolutely PSYCHED that they are gaining two new members, which will "put them up" 7-5. How the camera men kept from laughing is beyond me. Team Yellow picks up James and Aaron, figuring that if they lose, they can then eliminate the two strongest players in the game.

New boats arrive at each camp. Team Denise is not surprised to see that James is on the list, or that Aaron will be going with him. James has no connection to Aaron, so he's worried about going to the new camp. Jean-Robert is almost besides himself. "This is a bad day for [Team Denise] and it's sure as hell a bad day for Jean-Robert" says the poker playing bad boy.

Back at Team Yellow, they are shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that they do not gain 2 members, but are instead trading two players. People are sobbing as they lose Sherea and Frosti. At least they still have Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.

As the boats pass each other, both tribes are plotting. Jean-Robert tries to get everyone on board for voting off one of the newcomers first but most people see this as an opportunity to cut Jean-Robert loose. Even Jean-Robert realizes this is what the new plan is, but he keeps trying to push his case. At Team Yellow, Peih-Gee and Jamie decide the best course of action is to throw the challenge and get rid of James and then Aaron. Because, you know, when the producers have suddenly HANDED you the two best players in the game, the smart thing to do is to squander that. Peih-Gee feels that she's playing for the future though, as if they merge at 10, they will be 5 on 5 for tribe members instead of 7-3. It always surprises me how certain people are about when a merge will happen, as the show always screws with it. One year there was no merge, because Ian and Tom wiped the other team off the map. Other years they've merged at 11 or 9, or 8. So this is potentially shooting themselves in the foot.

Team Yellow wants to throw the challenge, but with James and Aaron on your side, is that even possible? Let's find out at-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Two people will race out to a floating dock. One at a time they dive into the water and pull out wooden polls that are trapping the 12 signs of the Chinese zodiac in a cage. Once all 12 signs have floated to the top, you throw them in a boat, swim it back to shore and then the other three people will put the pieces where they go. Amanda and a phosphorescent tongue depressor both sit out for Team Denise. Oh, wait, that's Courtney. Gak. Seriously, I fear her shoulder blades are going to poke through her skin.

Aaron and Erik go out to get Team Yellow's pieces, Jean-Robert and Frosti for the other side. Jamie is already making it obvious she doesn't care by yelling "Take your time! Rest if you need to!" to which James tells her to hush up. Erik, however, is not in on the game throwing, and he and Aaron get the pieces out quickly and gain a sizable lead over Team Denise. Jean-Robert seems to collapse off the float on their trip back and almost sinks all of his pieces back into the water.

Things look good for the new Team Yellow but the Step-sisters won't be denied. Jamie throws one of the pieces behind the puzzle so it's hidden, and then the two of them proceed to laugh and lollygag their way through the challenge until Team Denise not only catches but passes them, winning the challenge.

Back at camp James is ticked, and rightfully so. He chews out both Peih-Gee and Jamie, who are still trying not to laugh in his face. Aaron figures out something must be up and they send Erik to find out. Erik is not happy to find out that they threw the challenge, but Jamie has boobs, and she may some day let Erik see them, so it's not like he's going to turn on them. James and Aaron both know they're sunk, they just don't know who will go first at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Probsts almost immediately calls the girls on throwing the challenge. "I've been around a few times, and it looked like you didn't care if you won," he says. Did you throw the challenge he asks? "Yes sir," replies Jamie. This only makes James more annoyed and he says they may as well get rid of him now. So they go to vote.
Peih-Gee. James. Ja-Aaron? Huh that's... Aaron again? Well I can't- AARON! And out of nowhere, Aaron is gone!


BONADUCE SLAM!

And so begins the great Survivor: China screw job. Proving once again, that just like in real life, if you are good at what you do, if you are strong or smart, people will dislike you for it and they will do their best to take you down.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Racing through buildings! Being lucky the hidden Immunity Idol isn't a Bear! And Eating! Says Denise "GLARARRRRRAARRRAAAAAA!!!!"

SURVIVOR

(sp-sp-sp-spoliers. Turn and spoil the page...)

This week on... Survivor!

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Todd

The show opens with a quick summation of China: hills, panda bears, big black men. Wait, what? Ohhhh, it's just James The Grave Digging Crocodile Dundee.

At Team Denise camp Courtney, who is somehow not only getting thinner, but paler (seriously, she looks like a florescent light bulb) is doing what she does best. No, she's not telling people the soup de jour, she's complaining. About who? Why Jean-Robert of course. Jean-Robert meanwhile is putting Operation: Not As Lazy into play and it seems to be a hit with everyone but Courtney. Even when Jean-Robert warns her not to touch the potentially hot handle of the water pot, she gets mad at him for snapping at her.

At Team Yellow camp the rice has gone bad. My heart leaps in joy of another possible Survivor Australia moment, where one of the tribes ran out of rice early and Probst traded them new rice so they wouldn't starve, but in return took half of their camp supplies with him. Dave, naturally, has the best plan on how to handle this, at least in his head, and he's not afraid to tell everyone it. Finally Sherea has had enough and the two start snipping at each other. Then Sherea makes things real personal by taking all of Dave's shells, and making a move to toss them back in the lake. "Frosti" swoops in at the last second and get Sherea to give him the shells and tragedy is narrowly averted. Seriously though, who tosses out another person's shells cause you're mad at them? What are you Sherea, four? Those shells were for his mom.

REWARD CHALLENGE
Teams of two, each holding a giant wooded chopstick, have to work together to carry a metal ball down a field, then place it on a track that will roll it into a fireworks pit. The first team to fire all three of their fireworks will win a family of Chinese slaves.

Kidding, they'll be visited by a Chinese fisherman and his family who will teach them to fish as well as bring them a meal with vegetables and spices.

Oh, and did I mention the metal ball is on Fire? Cause it is.

Team Denise knows how to handle balls better than Team Yellow and win themselves a delicious family dinner. They also decide to kidnap Dave from Team Yellow.

Back at Team Denise camp, Dave decides the best way to become friends is to go bat-guano insane. He's smiling and dancing and hugging. Oh, the hugging. James hands him a lime and he almost starts crying before he embraces James. Says James, "That's... that's enough of that. What did I tell you about huggin'?" Dave also hugs Courtney for being from New York. He's like the freshman kid that's trying to hard to fit in on the first day in college. "You're from New York? NOOOO WAAAAAAYYYY!!! I love that town!!! Give me a hug!" Tragically, this kills Courtney.

Dave gets the "Open in Secret" tube and has to decide who to trust. Who's he pick? If you didn't say Todd you're wrong, but you've got more sense than anyone else so far. Not only does Todd's entire team trust him, the entire OTHER team trusts him. I haven't seen mindless devotion like this since Brian the Used Car Salesman/Amateur Porn Star in Survivor: Thailand.

The fishing family shows up with a boat full of birds. Which, it turns out, is how they fish. No, I'm not joking. Yes, it is awesome. Know what else is awesome? Jean-Robert SPEAKS Chinese. Yeah, get that. "It's been 20 years, but they started talking and words just started coming back to me." With Operation: Tower of Babel in full swing, Aaron and Denise (YES!) go out to learn how to fish.

The birds, it turns out, have bands wrapped around their throats so they can't swallow. Then the birds go into the water, catch a fish, but because of the bands, can't swallow it. So they come back up to the boat, the fisherman takes the fish out and sends the bird back into the water.

Back at Team Yellow camp everyone is lazing around until they realize that Dave isn't there to do all of their work. It's like watching someone in their first apartment, trying to cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, start their own fire, etc. While everyone else is struggling to make up the work of One Man, Sherea has stolen a page out of Jean-Robert's play book, putting Operation: Snooze Alarm 2 into action. I'm saving my energy for the challenges, explains Sherea. Which is good, cause here comes the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Suits of armor, bamboo staffs, meteor hammers and a wall of vases. Which ever team smashes more vases wins immunity. Amity said that last week's freeze frame was cheesy and unnecessary and I disagree with that, but this week's animated meteor hammer tosses were absolute garbage. It looked like a twelve year old got their hand on some flash animation and had a free 15 minutes on their hands.

First Round: Denise and Courtney vs Sherea and Peih-gee. Courtney is crushed to death by her suit of armor, but Denise does fine on her own, ending the round 1-1. Not quite the dominance I'm sure Sherea was expecting to get from Operation: Snooze Alarm 2.

Second Round: James and Todd vs Dave and Frosti. J/T go up 3-1 and then James tosses his bamboo pole so hard it not only sticks in the ground, but it creates a new fault line.

Final Round: Aaron and Amanda vs Erik and Jamie. Jamie knocks over two vases with one shot, making it 3-3, but Aaron and Amanda pick up one as well, winning 4-3.

Back at camp, Dave, like a man who's neck isn't on the chopping block, begins bossing people around again. The decision falls between him and Sherea. Dave promises he'll change if he's allowed to stay, but let's see how the chips fall at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Probst asks the gang who's pitching around camp, and Sherea claims to be pulling weight. How Jeff can hear her over all the eye rolling is beyond me. Dave makes no apologies for his bossiness and all seems lost for him. But then Sherea says, "What's all this rope doing here? Let me see if I can hang myself with some of it" and begins talking about how it's okay that she's lazy at camp because she's saving herself for challenges and then accuses Peih-Gee of not understanding because "she likes camp life" to which Peih-Gee goes "Uh, I LIKE Challenges too". So it now looks grim for Sherea...

The votes are counted. Dave. Sherea. Dave. Dave. (cue violins) DAVE! That's enough to send the unapologetic model on his way. Probst informs Team Yellow they better get a new plan, cause they're down two now. And they're primed for another-



BONADUCE SMASH!

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)

NEXT WEEK!
Erik and Jamie liiiiiiiike each other. Erik is from Virginia. And a TWIST!!

SURVIVOR

(as always, here there be Spoilers!)

This week on... Survivor.

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley (gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie
Todd

First, a recap of last week, where Team Yellow was dismantled, Dave and Ashley bickered, Todd schemed and Leslie was Leslie.

The episodes opens to another stunning Jean-Robert plan. You may remember Operation: Snooze Alarm from last week, this week it's Operation: Cuddle Train. Not only does Jean-Robert snore, ("It sounds like someone's choking a walrus"- Courtney), but he's also constantly trying to cuddle with the girls. For someone with the ability to "read" people, Jean-Robert doesn't seem to equate the girls constantly moving away from him with their lack of desire to be near him.

The next morning James catches a crab in a net and he and Courtney decide they're going to chop up the meat and use the taste of the crab to accompany the rice. Aaron has a better idea. He gets to eat the crab. Needless to say this idea, while it has its merits, is not popular with the other 7 members of "Team Denise". In the end common sense prevails and the crab is simmered in water to create broth.

James then makes a grave confession. Yes, I know, I couldn't help myself.

"I don't even use paper plates and plastic cups. I don't like being outside," admits James. But to prepare, he bought a book on survival tips. Huh, who'dathunk? "4 hours in Barnes and Noble and I'm Crocodile Dundee." Which is his new nickname.

Over at Team Yellow the team is reflecting on getting rid of Ashley last night. It was either lazy Ashley or overbearing Dave. Well, Ashley's gone and SURPRISE! Dave is still overbearing. But hey, at least he treats everyone like an idiot now. So that's progress. And God must have ordered him to build that fire pit from last week, because I haven't seen this much dedication to a construction project since Noah and the Ark.

REWARD CHALLENGE
Two boats, two beams connecting the two boats. Three people to a side. First team to throw the other three players into the water wins a point. First team to three wins.

On this side! Denise/Amanda/Leslie versus Peih-Gee/Sherea/Jamie. Go Team Denise!!

And Go they do. ...right into the water. It's like... it's like Sherea and Peih-Gee were BORN to shove people in the water.

Round Two! Crocodile Dundee/Aaron/Jean-Robert versus Dave/Erik/"Frosti". Dave has the genius idea to strip naked before getting on the boat. You can see Erik doing his best not to make eye contact. I bet Dave's dressed up as a "Free Mammogram" machine before. He strikes me as that kind of guy. (They blur it out. ... it's not that big of a blur)

Naked or not, you're just another body to Team Denise. The guys even it up 1-1.

Round Three! Team Yellow's Ladies are unstoppable. Even Amanda hitting a leg drop across Jamie's head can't change the outcome.

Round Four! At the "go!" Crocodile Dundee bursts across the walkway and hits Frosti so hard I think he wound up in Japan. Poor Erik is left again to fight for dear life, but down in the drink he goes. 2-2.

Round Five! Surely Team Denise will pull it out this time! Denise has even stripped down to just her underwear! Surely this will be the- well, that was fast.

Winner, Team Yellow! They win pillows, blankets and a tarp. They also choose to kidnap Leslie back to their tribe. She gets a tube from Probst marked "Read in Private", "This Means Read in Private" Probst says. I'll take, 'Things that are obvious and then restated for $400', Jeff.

So Leslie goes off to Team Yellow, or "The Christian Kingdom" as she seems to deem it. Everyone puts on a smiley face for her, especially Dave. Dave actually keeps going past friendly into the realm of creepy. Dave's the kind of guy who keeps suggesting you go get dinner at Hooters. You know, "for laughs". Leslie proceeds to run her mouth about every single thing going on at camp. After all, most of the people in Team Yellow are Christians, so what harm can it do? Leslie then gives her Immunity Idol clue to Jamie, just as Jamie did to her last episode. Another cut to the Immunity Idol hanging above the camp. DUN-DUN!!!

Back at Team Denise, Crocodile Dundee and Jean-Robert are bathing and having man talk. Unbeknownst to them, Courtney and Todd are standing 60 feet away collecting firewood and can hear every word they say. Well, that can't be too bad right?

"We should get rid of Courtney first"
Uh-oh
"You just want to keep her around because you like her."
Wuh-oh
"Only thing better than winning a million dollars is winning a million dollars and getting a piece of ***"
D'OH!

Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that Survivor is a microcosm for society and take this lesson from today's episode, if you're going to talk about a co-worker, or roommate, or waitress, in a negative manner, do yourself the favor of LOOKING AROUND FIRST.

Jean-Robert is that guy who's 4 years out of college, but keeps coming to all the parties and hitting on the freshman girls.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Four players have to chop through rope to free four sets of puzzle circles. Two other players must then put the puzzle circles on a pole and then drag the heavily weighted pole across a finish line.

For Team Yellow!
Choppers Jamie/Peih-gee/Frosti/Erik, Puzzle solvers Cool Dave and Sherea.
For Team Denise!
Choppers Courtney/Amanda/Aaron/Crocodile Dundee, Puzzle solvers The Todd and Jean-Robert.

Team Yellow jumps to a HUGE lead as SURPRISE! Courtney can't chop through any of the ropes. Jamie, who weighs maybe 100 pounds, hacks through them. Peih-Gee, who the team carries to challenges inside of their pocket, hacks through them. Frosti, who is a poorman's Shamrock Shake, hacks through them. And lastly Erik, swinging like a guy who had to avert his eyes from his own teammates junk, chops through his ropes. Courtney is STILL weakly chopping at her block. The blade is flopping everywhere, she keeps adjusting her tube top, she's swinging one handed. It's miserable. (Life Lesson Two: 50 pounds underweight is no way to go through life)

Finally she starts sawing with the machete and manages to break the rope. Everyone else gets an action freeze frame when they cut their pieces loose. Everyone but Courtney. Amanda races in and quickly cuts lose her blocks while Cool Dave and Sherea start putting together their puzzle. Aaron chops through his rope in no time. CROCODILE DUNDEE takes one swing and the entire forest collapses. The Todd and Jean-Robert begin scrambling to catch up. But, alas, it is too little too late, and Team Yellow wins back to back challenges.

Back at Team Denise, the heads on the block are Jean-Robert, Leslie and Courtney. Then Lelsie runs away with it by confessing everything she blabbed to Team Yellow and raving about how great it was to be with some Christians for a change. Even The Todd can't save her now at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Jean-Robert does his best to hang himself with any rope given him, ragging on both Courtney and Leslie for being weak. "I didn't say they were weak-" starts Jean-Robert. "That's EXACTLY what you said," rebuts Probst, who takes no crap from anyone.

Courtney starts to tear up about how she always feels like the team is trying to figure out where she'll do the least amount of damage, sitting her out when ever they can. I'm sorry Courtney, did you SEE yourself in this Immunity Challenge? Courtney's defense is "Well, it's been all wrestling and shoving and fighting, what am I going to do?" This only further proves my theory that NO ONE who goes on this show has ever seen Survivor before. What did she think they were going to be challenged in? Drink serving? Table cloth folding? Tipping?

Time to vote! Jean-Robert, Leslie, Jean-Robert, Sister Christian (Leslie), Mom (Leslie), Leslie, aaaaaaaand Mom.

Sorry Leslie, but The Tribe Has Spoken!


BONADUCE SMASH!

Eliminated
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Yelling! And More Yelling!

YOU MESS WITH THE BULL, SON...

In a story sweeping the Internet, Danny "Boom Boom" Bonaduce dropped Jon "Johnny Fairplay" Dalton on October 2nd (and on his head) at the Fox Reality Really Channel Awards. ... wait, that's got to be made up. Huh? No? That's... that's a legit show? That's a legit award?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

Ug, it makes my skin crawl just to think about it. An award show devoted entirely to people who so desperately want fame, they act like total psychos on "reality" television. They're already rewarded for this degenerate behavior by VH1 who spins even tertiary characters on reality show spin-offs into their own shows and MTV who apparently allows you to just plug your home movies directly into their broadcast tower. Now they get an Award show too? What's the prize? A hobby? A long hot shower? Penicillin?

Gak! And I just ate, too.

Anyway, at this *shudder* award show, Johnny Fairplay was up on the stage, doing some sort of shtick. Any video I've found starts there, so I don't know why he was up there. Maybe he'd rushed the stage ala Kanye West, after being robbed of the "Best Reality Character to Pro Wrestler Transition" Award (which, if that was an actual category, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was, he would have rightfully lost to Real Worlder Mike "The Miz" Mizanin).

So, he's up there and the crowd is booing. Which is normal when confronted with Johnny Fairplay. Well, that and projectile vomiting. Enter Danny Bonaduce.

Bonaduce: They're booing... because they HATE you.

Crowd: YAYS!!

Bonaduce, having said his piece (and looking like he's already had 2 more cocktails than he should have), starts to leave. Johnny Fairplay gets this biiiiig grin on his face and taps Bonaduce on the shoulder.

Fairplay gives another giant grin, takes a few steps back, and then Leaps. Into. Bonaduce's. Arms.

But wait-

He starts Humping Bonaduce.

Danny Bondacue.

Danny "Boom Boom" Bonaduce.

Danny Bonaduce once beat up a Transvestite Prostitute who outweighed him by 70 pounds.

Danny Bonaduce has boxed Robert "The Juice Is Loose" Shapiro.

Danny Bonaduce mopped the floor with Greg Brady.

Johnny Fairplay lied about his grandmother's demise and weighs 100 pounds soaking wet and holding two 30 pounds bags of cement.

So Bonaduce does what anyone who is suddenly jumped by a curly haired moron that has leaped into your arms and started humping you would do. He dumped him on his head.

Sorry Johnny, but The Tribe Has Spoken:

BONADUCE SMASH!