I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

What is love?

Is it a feeling?

Is it a biological impulse to facilitate procreation?

Is it born out of a fear of dying alone?

I don't know what love is. But I know that Antonio Moreno does.

Love, according to Moreno, is stealing 26 cars in 4 months.

Now, I love my girlfriend and I can't imagine my life without her. But I don't know if I have the constitution to steal 26 cars for her. Maybe 15. 20 tops. But Moreno's love for his girlfriend knows no such restrictions. Toyota Camrys and Nissan Sentras were as Cupid's arrows for Moreno. Neither lack of a driver's license nor "legality" were enough to stop Moreno from expressing his love for his girlfriend. Not even his own girlfriend's attempts to break up with him deterred him. And how could they? How could a simple "I don't wish to see you any more" or even the formidable "we've grown apart" stop a man so deeply in love that he would hotwire and steal an average of 6 1/2 cars a month since the beginning of the year?

For Valentine's Day I bought my girlfriend tickets to see Wicked as an expression of my love for her. I realize now that I may as well have spit in her face and kicked her fish out a window, so callow and low was my "token of affection". But I swear to you, Star Worz-iors, that our One Year anniversary will not suffer the same fate. Forget a dozen roses, if stealing late '80's model foreign cars is the only way to truly say that you love someone, my girlfriend can expect to find a dozen '89 Subarus parked on her front lawn. I can't wait to see the look on her face, hopefully the police will let me stick around long enough to see it.

FRIDAY SP-OETRY #7

"Play to win"
What has gotten into you
Don't waste your life wondering
You only get one
Make it happen

"resolved before"
Lucky number seven
it's colleen
If are reading this
Hows your love life

"no subject"
navigation
thought
vida

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 4-25-07

This week's Wednesday Word is brought to you by www.VentureScripts.com. www.VentureScripts.com, for all of your monologue/sketch/one-act/full length needs.

Today's Wednesday Word is "tell" as in "Well, we should probably tell somebody about the babies."

God: Good... morning, Saint Peter. It is morning, is it not?
Peter: Time has no meaning here in Heaven, Great I Am.
God: We'll just call it morning then, for argument's sake.
Peter: Yes my Lord.
God: Walking around the gardens today and I was thinking, you know what would go over well in Heaven?
Peter: A chocolate fountain?
God: What, you mean, like, what they have a weddings? With the- you know.
Peter: Yes with the- you know.
God: Hmmm... that could be good. Might be hard to plug it in. No outlets up here.
Peter: I'm sure You will think of some way.
God: I'll get Raphael on that. No, I was thinking that we should have a day care.
Peter: That... is an idea.
God: I sense your hesitation.
Peter: It's just, permission to speak freely?
God: You need only speak and I shall hear. ... that's good. I should have someone write that down.
Peter: Well, I would just have to ask who my God plans on placing in this day care.
God: Children, naturally.
Peter: Naturally.
God: Specifically children that have come home to My loving arms before their parents have. What's the earth word for that?
Peter: Babies.
God: Babies. That's adorable. Did Adam come up with that? But yes, babies are who I was planning on putting in the day care. Whom I was... whichever.
Peter: I see...
God: Buuuuuut.
Peter: Well it's just, we don't have a lot of babies in heaven God. You've probably noticed.
God: I had noticed. I always just assumed there was an unusually low infant mortality rate.
Peter: Not so much, no.
God: Well then where are they?
Peter: Limbo.
God: With the stick?
Peter: No, the void. Where they know contentment but never Your divine touch.
God: Well that's a crummy fate. What genius thought that up?
Peter: The Roman Catholic church.
God: Oy.
Peter: It is better than the original plan, my God.
God: And what was that?
Peter: Hell.
God: HELL?!?
Peter: St. Augustine assures us they suffer only the mildest condemnation.
God: HOLY *BLEEP*ING *BLEEP*!!
Peter: You're not pleased.
God: No Peter, I am the Lord Your God and I am Not Pleased!
Peter: If it's any consolation, it's only the unbaptized babies.
God: Oh, well why didn't you say so? I'm sure they had it coming then. You know, those darn babies and their commandment breaking. I just hope there's enough weeping and teeth gnashing to go around.
Peter: Was that-
God: Yes that was sarcasm. Who's Pope down there?
Peter: Benedict, my God.
God: Another Benedict? We've already got over a dozen up here.
Peter: Benedict XVI.
God: Good, get him on the Pope phone and tell him there's no more limbo for babies and certainly no more Hell. Babies go to heaven now. Got that? All babies. I mean, My Son, we let All Dogs up here, but not babies?? *Bleep* that. There's your 11th Commandment, *bleep* that.
Peter: Yes, my Lord.
God: I turn My back for one minute to work on 581 c and this is what happens. *sigh*

HA-HA. HA-...HA?

It turns out yesterday's "Sheryl Crow toilet paper revolution" was just a joke on her part. Ohhhh, that wily Sheryl Crow, what won't she think of next? I'm just glad she's not insane.

While I was chasing that story down like a journalistic jungle cat, Slacktivist reminded us that yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of Andrew Natsios, former director of the U.S. Agency of International Development, appearing on Nightline with Ted Koppel.

Slacktivist is nice enough to have the important part of the interview transcripted on his page, but you can watch the full interview here. Koppel and Natsios speak about the total cost for America in rebuilding Iraq from the 2:15 mark until about 3:20. Natsios is adamant that it will cost American tax payers only $1.7 billion. If he were any more adamant Wolverine's claws would be made out of him.

Before serving as the director of the AID, Natsios was also manager of Boston's Big Dig. The Big Dig is remembered by many (or at least myself) as not only having a cool rhyming name, but for also going well over budget. Wikipedia, for what it's worth, states that the project was original budgeted to cost $2.8 billion but by 2006 had cost over $14.6 billion. So, knowing that Natsios had a hand in the Big Dig it should not come as a huge surprise that his estimating skills are a little off. To err is human, as the saying goes.

But to err is one thing, to be off by (so far) over $400,000,000,000 is something else. That's $5.67 per American versus $1,333.34 per American. If I buy something at $10 and I get a bill for $15 I'm ticked enough. That's five dollars. This is an itsy-bitsy bit more.

I'm all for democratic elections. I'm all for catching the people that masterminded 9/11 and seeing them tried in a global court. I'm all for getting Saddam out of power (not the same thing as number two). I'm all for supporting our troops. But what I am not all for is this operation being running by a bunch of people that appear to have just stepped out of their bubble worlds yesterday. Cor. At least Sheryl Crow's horrible miscalculation of real life was an intentional joke. The same can't be said for this.

DIF'RENT STROKES

I love advice lists. I love them because I love science and these lists are the greatest evidence that life exists on other planets. You know the lists I'm talking about: "Save Money On Weddings" has such useful tips as "Don't rent a stretch Hummer" or "Serve Beluga Caviar as an appetizer rather than as a main course", "Save More Today" advises you to "eat at fancy restaurants only 3 days a week" or "try taking two 3 day cruises instead of one 6 day one". These people obviously do not inhabit the same reality that I do. Sheryl Crow's attempt to dispense environmental advice comes from this same Bizarro World.

Crow's two major brainstorms revolve around the conservation of toilet paper and paper napkins.

Says Crow

Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Two or three squares of toilet paper? Per use? Apparently Crow has never heard of cheese. Or Mexican food. Or maybe Crow only does Number One. I don't know. Lance might, but I don't.

Crow continues

I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product.

A clothing line designed by a celebrity? My, what a novel concept. I wonder if the world is ready for that? In Crow's world you apparently use napkins solely for wiping your mouth. Personally, I can do that in one napkin. I wouldn't need an entire sleeve for that. What I need an entire dispenser of napkins for is my hands. I don't know how effective it will be to walk into a restaurant looking like I'm carrying the Right Hand of Doom and walking out looking like I've just been elbow deep in someone's midsection.

I would suggest going back to the drawing board and brainstorming some ideas that actual people in this actual world can utilize. But, that's just my advice.

FRIDAY SP-OETRY #6

This Week's Sp-oetry post brought to you by: www.VentureScripts.com. That's www.VentureScripts.com, your one-stop shop for all the FREE plays, skits and monologues you could need.

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www.VentureScripts.com is something that I'm a part of with some fellow writers from Venture Theatre in De Pere, WI. We're just writers who have had our material produced on stage but are looking to have it produced elsewhere. The best way to do that? Give it Away! All plays are priced at an incredibly low price of $50 a performance and anything less than a full length play is no-strings-attached-free. So check it out, and tell your friends. It's free, so what can you lose? That's www.VentureScripts.com

"Winners circle"
You are paying too much
on infrared
Become a new man
Wireless Ian
Benefit from technology
Walk away a winner

"be happy with yourself"
Marlin Eller Barbarians Holt
Saving your money so you can live healthy
on basal
Feel good about your body
Middle criminal
course its
the best thing to happen in years

"Better man"
Chan
figured
about
Rupert

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 4-18-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "religious" as in "I'm not really religious, but I am spiritual. ...wait, what? Oh, that's what it means? Oh, okay, yeah, I'm religious not spiritual."

Religion is not a bad thing. It never has been. Religion, like Government and Girl Scout cookies, exists to help people. In a perfect world Religion exists to inspire people, to make their lives better and to worship a loving creator. Of course, this isn't a perfect world and things that are perfect in their abstract form quickly become tainted when mixed with reality. That's why we have zealots, graft and those Lemon cookies.

Less than 48 hours after the tragedy at Virgina Tech, some people are already blaming the separation of church and state for what happened. Oh, and abortion, can't forget abortion. If we all just believed the world was 6,000 years old and that dinosaurs existed at the same time as man in the Garden of Eden, these sort of things wouldn't happen. But because God didn't smite Charles Darwin and John Scopes when He had the chance, the world has been going to hell ever since. This is not over exaggeration on my part, I wish it was. Watch Jesus Camp sometime soon. These people exist, and they're having a lot of kids who they're teaching at home, far away from nasty science and question-asking peers.

Of course, a zealot's life is not all rainbow covenants and mana from heaven. There are disadvantages as well. 1) It makes you bit of a bore and a smidgen of a jerk that no one outside of your fellow zealot circle will want to associate with. 2) God might give you rabies.

WAIT, HE SAID WHAT?

In regards to Don Imus' statement about the Rutgers basketball team, I think John Rogers over at Kung Fu Monkey says it best in this post. It's a blog worth checking out, especially if you're, say, Peter of Nerdgasm! since Rogers is also the writer of the new Blue Beetle comic book for DC.

What I wonder about the whole situation is what Imus was thinking when he said "nappy-headed hos". He'd already called them, if I recall correctly, a rough looking bunch of girls with tattoos and cornrows. That should have been enough of a mental picture right there. But then to go on and call them nappy-headed? Who even says nappy-headed? I think I was out of college before I even knew that was a racial insult, that's how rare it is. Or maybe that's just my neck of the woods.

I could rattle off, sadly without much trouble, a dozen racial slurs for blacks that I have heard, and nappy-headed would never have even crossed my mind. So I have to wonder what went through Imus' head. Did his brain actually go through a mental list of every bad name he could think of?

"Think brain, think. I need something provocative to say about these black women... No, can't say that, that's an automatic game over. Not that one... they just throw basketballs. Not that one either... can't prove they have porches at Rutgers. Nope that won't work either, even I like watermelon... Think brain, think, curse you...Well their hair is kind of nappy... nappy... nappy-headed? Is that still an insult? Genius brain, Genius! Say it mouth!"

Maybe he thought that if he said something that obscure it would fly under the radar, I don't know. But the sheer work he probably went through to come up with that phrase means to me that he did it on purpose. And that's not right.

I don't think anyone is going to argue that Imus was right to say what he did. What you can argue is should he have lost his job over it? I don't know, but I do know this: I know Michael Savage said "You should only get AIDS and die, you sodomite" to a caller who told him his teeth looked bad on his MSNBC television show in 2003. He lost his TV show but continues to have a successful career with his radio talk show. Are the statements equally offensive? I guess that's a matter of opinion.

TANI'S TALES PART 2 (of 2)

Hello Star Worz-iors,
Sorry about the lack of activity lately, I was in Oregon (State Motto: As Green As Ireland But 40% Less Drunk!) Wednesday through Sunday. As I continue to unpack, Tani has been kind enough to have another horrible day that she wants to share with all of you.

Enjoy.

Friday Morning:
2:00 a.m. – I go to bed.

4:00 a.m. – I awaken to noise. Tick…tick…tick…

4:01 a.m. – I go back to sleep

4:02 a.m. - I awaken to noise. Tick.Tick.Tick.Tick. I wonder briefly if someone has planted a bomb in my room.

4:03 a.m. - I decide not and go back to sleep

4:04 a.m. - I awaken to noise. TICKTICKTICKTICK

4:05 a.m. – I decide to take a whiz while I am up.

4:06 a.m. – my feet hit the ground. Instead of a thump, I hear a splash. This is definitely not good.

4:06 a.m. – I turn on light.

4:06 a.m. – I conclude, using analytical skills derived from Evidence class, that my waterbed has sprung an enormous leak and is flooding the bedroom.

4:07 a.m. – I let loose a string of unladylike words, punctuated with even worse unladylike words.

4:08 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. – I frantically try to drain my waterbed by pushing a garbage can down into the middle of the bed, catching as much loose water as I can, and then running to the bathroom to dump it in tub.

7:31 a.m. - I make a mental note that my mother was WRONG, that there ARE indeed occasions that a single female might need to own fourteen towels, and I was JUSTIFIED in spending the money on them.

7:32 a.m. – I thank the stars that I am a camping buff – as I am only in town another 4 months and can thus use my camping air mattress to sleep on until I move.

7:34 a.m. – I root out aforementioned air mattress, rev up the pump and fill mattress up.

7:45 a.m. – I pull pump out of filled air mattress, and discover that I have no idea where the mattress cap is.

7:46 a.m. – I watch in dismay as all the air whooshes right back out of aforementioned mattress.

7:47 a.m. – I repeat the string of unladylike words.

7:48 a.m. – I post ad in the furniture for sale section on craigslist.com to sell waterbed. I explain that I have had the bed for three years and it is CURSED because I could not get laid to save my life in the entire time I owned it; suggest it might be perfect for parents to purchase for a young daughter just moving out on her own, as either my mother hexed the bed when she bought it for me, or else the bed came WITH a force field that prevented men from coming near said bed. Offer to throw in a free mattress repair kit and hose.

8:03 a.m. – I check inbox. I have 15 new messages replying to my ad on Craigslist.

8:04 a.m. – I discover NOT ONE OF THE 15 MESSAGES was an offer to purchase the bed. FOURTEEN of them were bona fide offers to come over and help me break the "curse" on the bed, followed by assorted icons of idiotic winking smiley faces. The other one was just writing to tell me my ad was funny.

8:05 a.m. – I curse God.

8:06 a.m. – God retaliates by smiting me immediately with a runny nose that will last all day.

8:07 a.m. – I take quick shower before class.

8:22 a.m. – I realize my beloved flip flops were under the bed and are now soaking wet.

8:30 a.m. – I get in car, wet hair, runny nose, sopping shoes and all.

8:55 a.m. – I go through drive-thru at Starbucks and get my coffee, which was clearly prepared by a passive-aggressive inbred who has no concept of FILL LINES.

8:56 a.m.- I take sip out of coffee and try to shift gears simultaneously, causing coffee to make a break for freedom.

9:07 a.m. – My coffee-soaked lap, sopping shoes, runny nose and I arrive at school.

9:10 a.m. – I head for class. Perky female student walking by says to me, "SMILE!"

…Get Bent.

AREA MAN RAPIDLY GROWING ANGRY WITH INANIMATE OBJECT

Wisconsin-
Citing a doctor's appointment across town in 10 minutes, Greg Gerard, 31, Oconomowoc, has been rapidly growing angry with his work station's printer.

"Why won't you work you [expletive deleted] piece of [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]?! [expletive deleted]!" Gerard was quoted as saying to the Hewlett Packard Laserjet 4100 that he shares with three other members of the Ramp Storage team. "This happens every flippin' time. Like [expletive deleted] clockwork. No wonder no one can get any work done here. [expletive deleted] happens all the time."

Gerard added, "Great, I'm supposed to be there by now" before furiously turning the printer off and on several times in rapid succession.

None of Gerard's co-workers were willing to comment on the incident while "[Gerard] was in ear shot" but one passerby, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said "It's probably low on paper. He should check the tray. You know, instead of banging away at it like a monkey on crack."

This is the second inanimate object to go out of its way to "[expletive deleted] ruin [Gerard's] day" this week. On Monday the vending machine in the break room refused to vend a bag of Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles to Gerard despite his depositing of the required $0.70. Fifteen minutes of slamming on the Plexiglas front of the machine, coupled with open palm thrusts to the inanimate object's side failed to yield the chips.

Several inquiries have been left with the Laserjet for comment, but none have been answered as of yet.

A BRICK WALL?

"Hey Dick, what's this I hear about Iraq and Al-Qaida?"
It's true, I tell you. They were there. Saddam knew.
"Knew what?"
That they were there.
"Um. Well, there's documents out now saying he didn't know."
Lies. Lies and propaganda.
"They're from the DoD, Dick."
There's three kinds of lies. Lies, damn lies and DoD lies.
"That... is a theory."
If Saddam didn't have a hand in planning September 11th, why was he allowing Al-Qaida to operate in the country?
"Isn't part of being an underground terrorist organization being able to operate in countries without anyone knowing?"
Bullcocky.
"Bullco-"
They were there.
"It's just, Saddam, um, says they weren't."
You're going to trust Saddam? He also said that they didn't have weapons of mass destruction. And look at that!
"Yeah... look at that."
They're there! We just need a little more time to find them. They're in Syria.
"Okay. I'll take your word for it on that one. But this Al-Qaida and Iraq thing-"
Are you calling Pentagon chief Douglas Feith a liar?
"I'm not calling him anything. The CIA on the other hand..."
What do they know about intelligence?
"It is the second word in their title."
They killed Kennedy you know. What do you think about your precious CIA now? If you love them so much, why don't you just marry them?
"I- what does that have to do with- even if it was true how would that possibly-"
Look, if you want to coddle terrorists and undermine America that's your decision. But we know what we know and we know that Al-Qaida was in Iraq before September 11th and that Saddam knew they were there and that they were working together.
"Even though the CIA says that's not true."
Even though.
"And even though the Department of Defense says that's true."
Even though.
"You know, maybe I'd have an easier time believing this if I had... I don't know, like a picture of them shaking hands with Saddam in, say, 1983."
Impossible.
"Why's that impossible?"
Because Saddam was a good guy back then. He'd never conspire with terrorists in the '80's.
"Just in the 00's?"
And for a spell there in the 90's.
"Gotcha."
Glad I could clear that up for you.

SP-OETRY #5

"Try our casino games"
Table games
I always double my money here
Double or nothing

"subject debate"
Get confident, stupid
hate Mike
We treat you right
Second to none

"The best medications"
TV
Remote

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 4-4-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "American" as in "Just because you're from Spain doesn't mean you can't be a True American."

America is known for it's "can-do attitude". We are the first country to successfully secede from it's mother country. We built a railroad that spanned the entire country. We were the first to take flight and the first to walk on the moon. If it's possible to achieve, we as Americans will do it. Even if it looks impossible, we will find a way.

That's why we here at Star Worz salute this man for his can-do spirit that can only be defined as American-esque.

This man was confronted by the police in Lisbon for failing to have his dog muzzled and leashed. What did he do? He had his dog attack the policemen. But when his dog, an obvious NON-American, turned tail and fled, what did he do? Did he surrender? No. He used American ingenuity and decided if his dog wasn't going to bit the police officers, He Would.

Crazy, police biting man, we at Star Worz salute you. Because if that ain't American, Star Worz-iors, I don't know what is.

TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE

After a long hiatus, I have finally gotten my old computer up and running. Well, my girlfriend got it up and running, but I let her into the house and let her drink some of my juice, so I'd call us 50-50 partners in the endeavor.

Once it was up and running, my girlfriend was dismayed to realize that I lacked any sort of virus protection software. I tried to explain to her that I went to college in the good old days where no one made viruses for computers as sorting that many punch cards was just too much work. She was insistent however, and quickly downloaded a copy of a major company's virus protection software. We'll call them Morton. Wait, that's a salt company, don't want to hurt any feelings there. We'll call them N. Orton. Perfect, that's much better.

Two days after having N. Orton installed on my computer I came home to find a message stating that my account had expired. Noticing that I was receiving this message some 363 days early, I called up my girlfriend and she went to work trying to fix it. First thing she did was try to get the computer to realize it was being stupid. The computer countered with the classic "I know you are, but what am I?" defense.

Seeing no other option, my girlfriend uninstalled N. Orton from my computer and then attempted to reinstall it. "Hold up," said my computer. "You can't triple stamp a double stamp." "I'm not triple stamping anything," replied my girlfriend. "I'm reinstalling an uninstalled program." "Yeah....," said the computer. "About that... N. Orton is still on my hard drive. It's tucked way, way, waaaaaaay back here. Good luck getting that out."

After a handful of attempts, my girlfriend realized it would be best to call in a professional and turned to the N. Orton help page. Logging on she was informed she was 198 in queue and that she would be gotten to in the next 15 minutes. For those of you who don't know, "in queue" is English for "in line" and "15 minutes" is English for "hour".

"15 minutes" later my girlfriend finally got to chat with someone about the uninstalling/reinstalling situation. After 10 minutes of confirming that we were who we claimed to be, our representative, Candy, helpfully informed us that we had what the N. Orton people like to call a "technical problem" and that she would be unable to help us. So Candy helpfully directed us to a new queue. Candy then sent us a "Was this person helpful" survey. I do not believe Candy will be getting a raise based off of my girlfriend's survey answers.

So she waited in queue for another half hour before Nadjir came to the rescue. Nadjir, for those of you playing at home, was Indian. Because, you know, when you're confused by a complex technical issue, the best person to handle it is someone who doesn't speak your language. It'd be like me trying to fix transmissions in Belgium. Only I'd be doing it via internet.

In Nadjir's defense, he was trying his best to be helpful, at least that's what I assume he was doing during the two minute gaps between each conversation. Unfortunately the problem was more complex than he could handle.

Nadjir- Okay, what you will have to do is make sure N. Orton is removed from your computer.
GF- I did that.
...wait...
Nadjir- Okay, now it should work.
GF- No.
...wait...
Nadjir- Now make sure it is removed from your temporary folder.
GF- I did that.
...wait...
Nadjir- Now it should work.
GF- No.
...wait...
Nadjir- Okay, it should work now.
GF- Yes, but it's not.
...wait...
...wait...
Nadjir- Did you remove it from your temporary folder?
GF- Yes.
...wait...
Nadjir- Good. Now it should work.
GF- *sigh*

Four hours after starting the whole ordeal my girlfriend finally decided to bail, cancelling the subscription and filing for a refund. I should have it in 5-7 business days. You know, just as soon as Candy and Nadjir get around to it.

*sigh*