WAY UP NORTH

I'm going to be out of the country for the next couple of days, so don't be concerned when there's no new Worzala's Wednesday Word tomorrow. I'll be in lovely, scenic, freezing Canada for a wedding. At least I hope to be. Apparently in some sort of "stay away" gesture, the highway we're taking from Minnesota up into Canada (motto: We play more Hockey by 8 a.m. Then You Do All Day) runs right along Lake Superior in a spot lovingly known as "The Ridge". Nothing like driving along the largest of the Great Lakes in the middle of winter. Looking on the plus side, if anything DOES go wrong, the Walruses will probably eat us before we drown/die of exposure. (Just kidding of course, everyone knows it's Walri)

So I'll be in Thunder Bay from Wednesday through Friday. Then it's a weekend filled with my girlfriend's birthday, New Years celebrations and the Wisconsin Badgers absolutely manhandling the Arkansas Razorbacks.

I just want to say to all of you thank you very much for reading this compilation of columns and rants over the last 11 months and for *ahem* clicking on the ads. Coming up on my writing docket I've got two pieces prepared for our theatre's One Act Festival (formally known as The One Act Scrapheap... which apparently didn't appeal to people. Junkyards must hold more of a negative connotation than we originally thought) and chances appear good that I'll also have something in the '07/'08 theater season. Now I just have to figure out what. Right now I've got... well we'll keep the musicals out of the figuring, and we'll limit myself to just one western, so I have five different ideas. And they're all genius, at least in my head. At the same time, they're all complete crap that pack the exciting one-two punch of being boring and difficult to stage. How the heck do you do a Western on stage? Can Horses be trained to hit entrance cues?

On the third hand, who would have thought we could pull off an earthquake? So there's nothing that can't be done. (maybe peanut butter would work)

It's 10 hours to Thunder Bay and 10 hours back, plenty of time to start hacking out a first scene or two. Time to grab the old shovel and start flinging things against the wall until they stick. Unless my girlfriend wants to do something crazy like, I don't know, carry on a conversation or something.

Happy New Year to all of you, the loyal readers, who help make this worthwhile. Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate and for those of you who don't, I hope you had very enjoyable time swapping Solstice logs and potato pancakes. Mmmm... potato pancakes. I wonder if Canada has those...

PSA

During this time of year it is often easy for people to get caught up in the rush of the holidays. Aside from your normal daily activities, people now have to contend with the additional time commitments of gift shopping, holiday parties and family get-togethers. This, coupled with the cold weather, the lack of sunlight, and the ending of the year can add up to cases of severe depression and anxiety in people. Sometimes there seems like no way out and you might, like this gentleman consider the ultimate escape: soak yourself in gasoline and attempt to light yourself on fire to burn down your building.

I know this is a sensitive subject. The exact number of people who every year soak themselves in gasoline and light themselves on fire to burn down their apartment complex is unknown as this sort of activity is still clouded in shame. Often times family members will go to great lengths to hide the true cause of death, using such weak excuses as "grease fire gone horribly wrong", "spontanious apartment combustion" and even "Lybians angry they recieved fancy pinball parts instead of a promised plutonium bomb". People are just not able to accept that someone that they loved and cared for was able to strip themselves naked, soak themselves in gasoline, proceed to their neighbor's apartment and then begin threatening to light themselves on fire.

That is why we, the good people here at Star Worz, encourage you to talk to your loved ones about stripping naked, soaking themselves in gasoline and then lighting themselves on fire. Remember, talking to someone about soaking themselves in gasoline and then lighting themselves on fire will not actually make someone go out and light themselves on fire after being soaked in gasoline. That is a common misconception which prevents people from speaking to others about this situation. We have all had thoughts of soaking ourselves in gasoline, going into the neighboring apartment and lighting ourselvse on fire, both to win an argument and to burn the building to the ground. This is not an unnatural feeling. But it is important that this matter is discussed openly and frankly, so that if someone should continue to feel like being soaked in a flammable liquid, walking around completely naked, breaking into a neighboring apartment and then lighting themselves aflame is their only option, they will feel comfortable talking to you about these feelings.

For more information, there is a wonderful website on the internet at
www.soyourethinkingofsoakingyourselfin gasolineandlightingyourselfonfire.org
It contains a flash PSA as well as a pretty comprehensive FAQ section as well as an address you can write to for more materials.

Remember, no matter how dark the day, there is a brightness just around the corner. Hopefully the brightness is not from your body, soaked in gasoline and lit on fire in someone else's apartment.

Please, think of the children.

Happy Holidays and God Bless,
S. Worz

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 12-20-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "You" as in "You have got to be kidding me Time Magazine for making 'You' the Person of the Year."

How long did the debate rage at the office before everyone agreed to this total cop out? Did everyone laugh out loud at the editor who suggested it until they realized that they were serious? How long did the awkward silence last after that? Ten minutes? Two hours? Did they start to cry? Was that it Time Magazine? Did you pick "You" because the editor started to cry? What sort of news magazine are you? You're Time! You're supposed to make people cry!

This is like in high school where the cool kids pick an unpopular kid for homecoming court, but then everyone votes for him "as a joke" and he winds up Homecoming King. And then it's too late to tell anyone that it's a joke and all you can do is sit back in horror and watch. Not that I'd know, I didn't go to Homecoming... ever. Not even when they elected me King.

Kim Jong Il continuing to play chicken with all of Asia: not worthy of Person of the Year.
Warren Buffet donating $9 Gazillion to Bill Gate's charity: not worthy of Person of the Year.
My Girlfriend for putting up with me: Not Worthy of Person of the Year.

Instead, "you" are the Person of the Year. Why? Because some tweens with too much time on their hands have flooded the internet with Black Eyed Pea music videos comprised of Final Fantasy XII screen shots. So "you" have revolutionized digital media. Because every 20-something who isn't happy that they aren't married yet swarms Craigslist. So "you" have changed the way the world looks at relationships and dating. Because every moron who can slap their hands down on a keyboard has a blog (myself excluded, I've won awards for my two fisted style of inter-nalism) So "you" have turned the world of reporting on it's frickin' head.

Riiiiiiight.

I have some questions for the good folks at Time magazine. If "you" are Person of the Year, how far does that extend? Are non-American's the Person of the Year? What about Osama Bin Laden? Is he Person of the Year? That takes some massive balls to give the guy behind 9/11 the title of Person of the Year. Especially 5 years after the fact. I ask you, the loyal reader, what kind of compliment is it to be Person of the Year if it means you're lumped in with terrorists, dictators, and Terrell Owens? Can you include it on your resume?

I can't wait for the next issue of Time magazine and the hard hitting expose entitled "Horses: Pretty or REALLY Pretty". That's the kind of product we can apparently expect from Time Magazine now that We have flipped the world on it's ear. Personally? I blame "you".

THE HALLS ARE DECKED WITH SOMETHING

It stinks in our hallways at work. It has stunk for the last 5 work days, and a full weekend. I don't know why.

It smells like bad feet. You know what I'm talking about, don't pretend like you don't. But this couldn't be any normal foot. The smell is bad enough that if I were to see the offending feet I would be disappointed if I couldn't actually see those colorful "stink waves" emanating from it. Sadly, despite what my nose is telling me, it is unlikely it actually is feet, as the smell fills all three levels of the building's hallways. Swamp foot (swampus stinkus podiatristist) while powerful, has a very limited range of attack. Someone would have to be holding a fan to their naked feet to be spreading this smell this far. Who has that kind of time? Also, to be honest, a lot of the staff here couldn't find a fan to use if we put one in a see-through bag labeled "Fan" and then shoved their head inside. There's always the possibility that Mighty Odius, God of Smelly Feet, has returned to this mortal plane to once again plague humanity. But since I'm a monotheist, I can't give too much weight to that one.

On the other hand, it could be something died in the building. I would not be surprised as it is a bit of a deathtrap. Between the wet floors in the bathroom, the freezing cold studios and the asbestos in our tiles, I'm surprised we don't lose more people than we do each year. The fact that the smell fills the entire building lends credence to the idea that something could have died in a vent and the smell is being pumped around the building. I don't know what would want to come into this building to die though. We're probably the only 100+ year old building that no ghost wants to be caught dead in. Yes, I realize there was a pun in there, I apologize for all of us.

Seriously, what is that smell? It's like someone made cookies, but used roofing tar instead of eggs, hate instead of flour and then baked them inside of an outhouse. And you can't open the windows because 1) it's winter and we'd all die of exposure before the smell left and 2) the windows don't open. They put in new "energy efficient" windows a few years ago and while they don't, you know, keep out the cold or anything, what they lack in energy efficiency they make up for in all around inefficiency. Did you ever read The Glass Menagerie? Neither did I, but it was probably better to be in that play than in this building.

I think the people that rent the building are trying to send us a message. We're moving onto our own property next summer and I think they found out too early about it. I know I'd be upset if my only renter was leaving, they can't pay people to stay in the floor above us, and after we're gone this place is going to need a complete overhaul to make it useful to anything but, I don't know, a slaughter house maybe. The carpet couldn't get any more stained. Since they know we're already leaving, what do they have to worry about? That we're going to get so angry we'll stay an extra 6 months just to show them? We can't move yet, the building's not done and I'm not answering phones out in a tent in January. We know this and our land lords know this. I wouldn't be surprised if they have the custodian up in the vents every night laying out new dead rats to keep the stench up. The only question would be whether or not there's a union mandate that gets him time and a half for that sort of thing.

This is bogus. I was all happy this weekend to finally be done with this cold, only to return to work to find my nose no longer protected from this rank smell. So much for the benefits of clear sinuses.

My boss has me hanging car air fresheners around the office until further notice to help break up the smell. There's a box of 500 "Real Pine" tree shaped air freshers staring me in the face as I write this. I'm so glad I went to college.

AN OPEN LETTER

To Whom It May Concern-

I would just like to issue an apology to whomever was driving behind me last night on that stretch of Highway 10. Maybe I didn't make it clear, but yes, I did notice you behind me.

I know you were in a hurry to get to where ever you were headed. I don't know if it was the scenic hamlet of Custard or the bustling metropolis of Winchester, but I know you were in a hurry. I can only assume it is my fault for buying a car with a trunk, a situation you were doing your best to rectify every couple of minutes during the drive. Believe me, if I could have gotten my car up to the 80+ mph you seemed to want to travel at, I would have, "Warning: Curve 35mph" sign be damned. However, the one flaw in your masterful plan was that I too was behind a car. A Buick from the mid 80's from the look of it. I do not know if this person realized the rush you were in, but try as I might I was unable to will them to move faster so that you might be less inconvenienced. Maybe they were related to a law enforcement official, perhaps they were novice drivers, but they were simply unwilling to go any faster than 65 in that 45 zone. The balls on them to do that to you. Even if it was a woman.

I know you drive a Ford Excursion and the horses under that hood need to be allowed to run free. I know and I understand. But I'm not with the county, and I'm not the one who decided there should be road construction barriers between the lanes for the next 20 miles. So if you could, and it's understandable if you can't, maybe not flash me with your brights next time as a not-so-subtle hint that I should speed up.

But it wasn't all bad times for the two of us, was it? Remember the time when you thought we'd come across a passing lane and you tried to come around my right side? Who knew that was just a short slot for turning at the corner? We both had a good laugh at how you had to suddenly swerve back behind me, didn't we? And let's not forget our final moments as construction finally cleared and you were able to finally, rightfully, pass me. I'll never forget the look you gave my car as your mighty metal steed took off with a roar down the highway. Truly, it felt as if I had been blessed just to be part of your journey down both life's metaphorical and literal highways.

Your faithful servant,
S. Worz

p.s. I'm sorry to sound so ignorant, but when we passed you ten minutes later, just how big was the ticket the police officer was writing you? Curiosity gnaws at my very fiber.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 12-13-06

Today's word is "rapture" as in "Wow, have you heard about The Rapture?"

I've recently come across a blog called Slacktivist. In it, Fred Clark is slowly but surely making his way through the popular premillennial dispensationalist fiction series Left Behind. He reads two or three pages at a time, then posts his opinions about the book. Even if you don't really care about religion, it's a fun site to read because apparently the Left Behind series is not only bad religiously, but it's also just poorly crafted as a story. This is just one of the many examples.

For those of you wondering what "premillennial dispensationalists" means but you're not in the mood to look it up, it's a section of Christianity that believes in The Rapture. The Rapture, in case you were wondering, is where Jesus is going to come back (though technically he won't ever set foot on the ground) and take all the True Believers (not in a Marvel Comics sort of way) up into Heaven with him. Then for seven years everyone outside of, I'm not making this up, about 200,000 people will suffer torments under the hands of the Antichrist before Jesus comes back and starts murdering everything around him. Seriously. I believe the phrase used is "until the blood runs as high as the bridal on a horse."

Fun Times huh?

Here's the thing, the Rapture isn't true.

The idea of the Rapture is based off of a dream a little girl had back at the turn of the 20th Century. It is never mentioned in the Bible. You can look, you will not find the word "rapture". The entire set of beliefs of Rapture-ists is based off of maybe 5 verses in the Bible that have to be both read both "literally" as well as severely creatively interpretted to come up with anything close to a Rapture event.

Read the blog, do yourself a favor. There are people out there in the world that believe this garbage is true.

"But Matt," you may say. "You're a religious type guy, and I already KNOW there's not a God. What makes you less an idiot than these people?" That's a good question and I'm glad I asked it for you. The difference, to me, is this. My faith is meant to inspire me to help others, to treat all people well, to try and stop poverty and hunger, and to care for this planet that God made for us. If I'm deluded, so be it, we should all be lucky to be so deluded if you ask me. And if I die and you die and it turns out we just rot in the ground... well I guess I won't really care, cause I'm dead. And it's pretty hard to convince a dead person that they're wrong.

On the other hand, there are premillenial dispensationalists who believe that since the world will be ending soon (it's supposed to end "any day now" since the late 1980's) there's no reason to care for the environment. They also believe that armed conflict in the Middle East is a good thing. Not so much to liberate people, but because it is a sign of the End Times. And the End Times, for the miniscule few who get a free pass to heaven, are going to be pretty rocking. Sucks to be everyone else, including the people we just liberated. They also believe that peace between Palestine and Israel is not only a bad thing, but an Un-Christian thing, as Israel is required to swell her borders to include not only parts of Iraq, but Syria as well, if the End Times are to happen.

How, in this day and age, can you be against peace in the Middle East? Oh, because you think it'll get you a free pass up to heaven and the chance for Jesus to come back and hand out those beatings everyone that's not you so richly deserves.

Riiiiiiight.

So read the blog, educate yourself, have a laugh and get a little scared. More than 10 million people read these books, it's up to the other 290 million people in the country to known enough that they can say "Hey, none of this is True or Right."

One last thing, just to again illuminate how silly this idea is. The Rapture will happen when Jesus pulls people off the planet. However, Jesus can not return until the Great Temple has been re-built and then destroyed. That will allow Jesus to come back. Look at that again. THE SON OF GOD (who, you may have heard, created the entire, you know, everything out of nothing) is powerless until humans stack some bricks on top of each other. Cor. You might as well say "Jesus can't come back until a young boy speaks the magic word of power, the magic word... SHAZAM!" It's no less believable.

THE WISEST THING YOU WILL HEAR TODAY

I just had an H-bomb of wisdom dropped on me by one of our news staff here at work.

"Goats is goats."

Think about that for a moment. Pause to reflect on what that mean for you in your life.

He went on to explain further, which I will paraphrase. Don't ever be mad when goats do goat things. To expect goats to a) not do goat things or b) do things that goats don't do is only going to leave you frustrated and angry. Don't get upset at goats for being goats.

That may be the most profound thing I have heard since Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted "Theodore" Logan told the society of the future to "Be Excellent To Each Other."

And I mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

YO ROCKY!

Dear Rocky Balboa trailer,

Why do you do this to me? There I was, sitting in the theater, waiting for Casino Royale to start. (Which was, by the way, a very enjoyable film. If you enjoy James Bond, go see it. It's very good.) And then you come on. Who do you think you're kidding, huh? Rocky Balboa is just an artsy fartsy way of saying Rocky VI. There has been one good "blank" VI and that was Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country. You are not, my good sir, Star Trek.

I don't blame Sylvester Stallone for trying once again to cash in on the Rocky name. It is, after all, the movie that made him famous and the original is one of the greatest movies of all time. I've already told you what the movie's ending does to me. And the franchise has had some good moments, Mr. T as Clubber Lange, "Eye of the Tiger" and the famous closing speech in Rocky IV. But c'mon, it's been 30 years since the original and 16 years since V stunk up the place. Couldn't you have made a Get Carter sequel? ...cor... forget I even suggested that.

You are old, your character is old, and the idea of a human punching bag rising above adversity and a more skilled opponent because of his heart is O-L-D.

I don't understand why this project was even allowed to see the light of day. I didn't realize Stallone still had this kind of pull in Hollywood, since not only is he writer, he's also the director. Rumor has it they still weren't going to let him do it until he showed up with his own camera and light rig.

This movie is not going to be good. It might not even be laughably bad. There might not be a single redeemable thing about this film.

So someone please explain to me why I have watched the trailer 4 times already today.

... 5 times.

"Time to build some hurting bombs!" WHOOOOOOOO!!

Why Rocky Balboa, why do you have to take my $8?

...6 times.

A NEW CHRISTMAS TRADITION

Forget It's a Wonderful Life.

Throw away Miracle on 34th Street.

Do away with A Christmas Story.

There is one movie you need to watch this holiday season, and it will instantly become your favorite Christmas movie of all time. Even if you're an atheist. Even if you're blind. Even if you're a blind atheist, which is what you get for not believing in my God.

The movie is Santa's Slay, it stars former WCW and WWE wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg, and it is an amazing cinematic feat.

Have you ever wanted to see Fran Drescher die? This movie is for you.
Have you ever wanted to see Chris Kattan murdered? This movie is for you.
Have you ever wanted to see someone get killed with a turkey drumstick? This movie is for you!

And get this... that's the first ten minutes. Santa's Slay murders more people before the opening credits than the entire Friday the 13th franchise combined.

You have to see this movie, your life is not complete until you have witnessed this event in film history. Grandpa has a bunker hidden behind a map of the world. Tommy "Tiny" (ZEUS!!) Lister is a gas station attendent with two lines and 15 seconds of screen time, who seems to only be in the movie because he wasn't doing anything else during that 15 seconds. The police chief's name is Cauk, just so the joke: "He sucks." "Cauk?" can be used.

I have never spent a more blissful 78 minutes in my life. Every death is delectable. Every "joke" is gut-bustingly bad. The soundtrack features the greatest Christmas rap since "Santa Went to Hollis" by Run DMC. Santa drives a sled pulled by a bison. A. Giant. White. Bison.

Did I mention there's an entire sequence animated in the style of the old Ruldoph the Red Nosed Reindeer cartoon? AND that two of the major plot points are curling and drunken skeet shooting at night on Christmas??

I shouldn't have to say anymore. If you are a citizen of this planet, you owe it to yourself to go see this movie.

Go. Go now.

Go!

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 12-6-06

Today's Wednesday Word is "greeting" as in "Enjoy your custom tailored Wal-Mart holiday greeting."

I was talking my friend Jamayla on the phone last week and she was kind enough to inform me of a rather interesting development involving the Wal-marts in Ohio. Wal-mart (Motto: The Only Thing Lower Than Our Prices Is Our Wages) has decided that they do not want to fall victim to last year's "War On Christmas" by wishing shoppers "Happy Holidays." As you may remember, last year Christmas barely survived the sudden, unprecedented onslaught of secularism, as crazed atheists and agnostics tore down the streets in their flex-fuel cars, chainsawing nativity scenes in half and replacing them with upside down, burning "holiday" trees. Not since homosexuality assaulted the sacred shores of holy matrimony have good, honest, normal people had their fragile beliefs so close to being irrevocably shattered. So as to not add more pagan fuel to this fire of intolerance, Wal-mart has come up with a genius plan.

What Wal-mart is proposing its greeters do is this; when you see someone entering or leaving the store, you will not wish them "Happy Holidays" for fear they will become offended. No, instead you will guess their religious affiliation and issue them the appropriate greeting instead.

That's right, Wal-Mart, store of the future, has just leap-frogged over racial profiling to land square on Religious Profiling. My friend was actually good enough to get me a copy of the memo authorizing this new procedure and sent it to me. Here's part of it for your enjoyment.

"Now, it has already come to out attention that many of you will not be able to tell what religion a customer is right away. That is understandable and is something that we at Wal-mart feel will come with time and practice. To avoid embarrassing misteps at first consider using some of the following guidelines.

Apparel-
Is the customer wearing any sort of religion identify item of clothing or jewelery? For example a Cross, Bush 2004 button, #8 NASCAR hat or JESUS baseball cap would all indicate a Christian. Proceed with "Merry Christmas". Anyone wearing a Star of David, a Yarmulka, thick glasses or a Kerry 2004 button is probably Jewish. Say "Happy Hanukkah." Reminder, try not to add "You must have enjoyed saving all that money." If they are wearing an African tri-color scarf, a tri-color hat, or a Black Power Fist necklace they are probably black. Double check. If they are indeed black, they are most likely Muslim. However, many blacks are also Christian. The best way to check is to use this test phrase:

TEST PHRASE:
"Jesus, it sure is cold out."

If the customer responds with "Amen" they are a Christian. Wish them a Merry Christmas. If they simply nod or reply "That's how The Man wants it to be" they are Muslim. Wish them a "Holy Ramadan" and then inform security so they may run a register check on what was recently purchased from the store...."

Wal-Mart, keeping prices low and standards even lower!

A QUICK STATEMENT

There is a girl named Heather out there in the world who reads this blog from time to time. Normally I'd take this up with her on her Myspace page, but the good people in upper management here have decided to shut down Myspace access for all employees. This has hit me especially hard as I now need to find another way to convince 15 year old girls to run off to Europe with me. But, I am nothing if not resourceful, so I will rise above my lack of Myspace, and let Heather know my true feelings here instead.

Heather: The Redskins suck. And you suck for liking them.

In the thirteen weeks of this NFL season the Washington Redskins have done nothing but screw me over. If I pick them to win, they lose. If I pick them to lose, they win. If I pick up one of their players, he gets hurt. If I trade one of their players, he goes on to set a team record the next week. Without sounding paranoid, I am convinced the Redskins have dedicated this entire season specifically to the pursuit of making my fantasy football life miserable.

I hope the entire team falls in a well, and then the well starts on fire. And then, just as they're putting the fire out, an earthquake hits and the well collapses on itself. That would almost be fitting punishment for their crimes against Star Worz-amanity.

*cough* *cough* I also blame them for this cold I've had for the last two weeks. *cough* Stupid Redskins.